"They just won't listen to my advice!" Check yourself (Part 1)

friend of mine related an interesting quote: "Advice doesn't work because those who need to heed it, can't hear it."

"So how? How do we help them realize they need to change?"

Straightforward question; not-so-straightforward answer.

The reality is, giving advice (and that obviously includes da'wah) is like selling stuff: if the person you're selling to, isn't convince that he needs it - he just won't buy it

When it comes to advice, the golden rule is - if you love something, don't be selfish: share it with others. And if you don't love good advice, you need to check yourself

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him said) "None of you has faith until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself" (Al-Bukhari)

You can't love someone if you don't love that he/she becomes a better person.

If you want to examine the effectiveness of your sales (i.e. advice/da'wah), you can break it down to 3 aspects:

• the salesperson - the one giving advice
• the product - the advice
• the prospect buyer - customer - the advised person

Instead of blaming the customers' stubbonrness, let's focus on one aspect we do have direct control of : ourselves, i.e. the salesperson - after all, "Allah will not change the state of a people until they change what is in themselves" (Ar-Ra'd 13:11) - stop the finger pointing (he's too stubborn, etc); let's focus on our main circle of influence:

1) The salesperson - YOU; people sometimes fail to realize is that sometimes the root cause of the unsuccessful transaction really has to do with the adviser him/herself. Here's a quick checklist of things you should ask yourself

• Do YOU have confidence in your own product? - if you're still 50-50 about your product, don't shoot yourself in the foot. A silence in recognition of ignorance is much wiser than empty rambles of falsehood. If Tobacco lobyists can have it their way, making billion-dollar promotional transactions with world-class confidence, knowing that their product is perhaps the #1 artificial cause of cancer - isn't your good advice worthy of a bit more confidence, and credible evidence to support your cause? go do your homework.

• Do YOU really understand & know your product? - as Steven Covey put, "seek to understand, then to be understood" . Don't fire blanks: go do your homework. Don't get yourselves into sticky situations which decrease your credibility. 'Goreng' is not an option - especially if you're talking to someone who respects you (parents & ustazs, take note). The most learned companions of the Prophet - people who stood by him and witnessed him as the Revelation of God was brought down to him - when confronted with difficult questions, always answered with an honest and humble "Allah and His Messenger Know best" - so let's put things into perspective: if the people who had the best license to 'goreng' didn't do so, we definitely don't have that right! And this holds especially true for the ones who relate false and/or weak narrations, and/or baseless unfounded opinions of individuals. (*this needs to have a moderate approach - we cannot use "tak cukup ilmu"/ "not enough knowledge" as an excuse to not give advice.. the point is we should strive to continuously improve ourselves)

• Do YOU know why you are selling that product in the first place? - Often we steer the 'advice' session to a series of mental and emotional haymakers and uppercuts, losing goal of what we are really trying to achieve. The whole goal of advice is to improve the person, not destroy him/her. The whole goal of da'wah is to make him/her closer to the Creator, and to inspire him to improve his relationship with his creator - put this in mind before you activate those defense mechanisms or project your ego.

• Do you know why they need the product? This should be covered in Pt2 (if i somehow find the time to write it) - but basically, empathy is an essential aspect of advice. "Give people what they need, in the way of what they want", Yawar Baig once advised. Sure, the Prophet said "if the people knew the reward of praying Fajr/Subuh and Isya' in congregation (at the masjids), they would present themselves there even if they had to crawl" (Al-Bukhari) - but IF the reality and confidence of this reward isn't in someone's heart, how can he/she be convinced he/she needs to do it? Reword your da'wah and advice to make them believe they need to do it.

• Do YOU actually use the product? - Oh, this is a big problem: O People! Please, WALK THE TALK! Allah says "O you who believe! Why do you say that which you do not do?! Most Hated by Allah is that you say that which you do not do!" (As-Saff:2-3). Note to Parents who send their children to religious schools hoping that the teachers would do some miracles to transform their children - and abandon their prayers & have great lunch feasts in Ramadhan: Be consistent with yourself: YOU ARE NOT CREDIBLE IF YOU DON'T WALK THE TALK. "Do you Enjoin righteousness on the people and yet you yourselves forget, while you recite the Scripture! Have you then no sense?!" (Al-Baqarah 2:44)

• Are you NICE? - The Prophet said "i have been sent to perfect good manners", and that "i guarantee the highest place in Paradise for the person with the best of character" - let's live by this standard. Period. They say "you can only sell to friends" (Yawar Baig) - have you earned their trust?

• Are you PROUD of your product? - This is another problem. When it comes to guarding their own principles (which they try to impose on others), in certain situtaions, suddenly people become very apologetic & compromising - getting back to point above, not having confidence in your own product. In the perspective of Muslims, sometimes they even feel disadvantaged that they are unable to do things like 'partying' or 'showing off their stuffs'. Are you kidding me?! O Muslims - You have been given guidance to uphold rules that guard you from corruption of yourself and your relationship with God - isn't this worth to feel honoured and give you that burning desire to HELP others?

• Do you utilize attractive packaging for your product? - "oh its dawah stuff, doesn't have to be so nice... it's the message the counts" - Please lah, fren. If people can invest ridiculous amounts of money to make super-bombastic and flashy BEER advertisements (& be successful at it), don't you think the Message of connecting people to God deserves a bit more QUALITY?! Bring on the humour, class and style - Quality is universally appreciated: put it into practice.

• How PRO are you - Do you treat the guy with respect? - the fact that we are in a position to give advice doesn't make us better than the person: it's important that we don't look down on him/her. The fact that Allah has bestowed His Favour upon you to know that bit of knowledge should keep you in check, not to feel proud and high over others. The Prophet said, "whomsoever has an atom's weight of arrogance in his heart equal to an atom's weight shall not enter Paradise - (that is), the arrogance to disregard the truth, and to look down upon others" (Muslim) Remember, Iblees, the Arch Enemy of Man, in Al-Baqarah 2:34, Allah describes the defining characteristic of Iblees' disbelief and rebellion to be arrogance. In Al-A'raf 7:12, Iblees tells Allah the reason of his refusal to obey Allah's commandment - "I am better than him, You created me from fire and him You created from clay". Don't fall into this trap of arrogance - to be deprived of paradise is to render your entire life to be in vain. Respect others, treat disagreements professionally, and abandon the argument when things get hairy - the Prophet said "i guarantee a home in the middle of Paradise for he who abandons an argument when he is in the right"

• Why give up so easily? - "i've tried advising her, but it just doesn't work - i throw in the towel". People don't change overnight - any ex-smoker will be able to tell you that. One advice rejected, and you give up. That either shows one of three things: either (a) you don't have strong perseverence, (b) you didn't really believe in the message after all, (c) you don't care for the person anymore.

• Do you firmly persevere through the nonsense? - any motivator will tell you that the true essence of any successful individual is one's adherence & integrity to his/her own principles. If you give up, you have indirectly sent a message that your product really wasn't that good after all. A little bit of hurt is just to test how firm you hold on to those principles. Prophet Nuh alaihissalam stayed among his people 950 years to advise his people to worship God Alone - and the scholars say that his followers didn't exceed 100. Question: Have you lived 950 years? Question 2: Have you GIVEN ADVICE for 950 years? If you haven't, then stop whining and get back on your feet. If you have, you can either (a) sign up for Ripley's Believe it or Not, or (b) go to your nearest Neurological Unit for a checkup.

• Are you proactive? - an airbag has no value to a dead person. People always make the mistake of waiting for accidents to happen - some calamity to strike, before they (egoistically) say "I knew it" - don't wait till the person drives to a wall before you give him the map. Set the standard before hand

• Do you "walk the talk"?! - For the love of Allah, i can't emphasize this enough. Lets sidetrack a little: Did you realize that most of the time in the Qur'an, you find that whenever Allah refers of His disapproval, He always refers to the depravation of His love, (e.g. Allah loves not the transgressors (2:190), Allah loves not the disbelievers, sinners (2:276), Allah loves not the Oppressors (3:140); Allah loves not the Wasters (7:31), Allah loves not those who trespass beyond bounds (7:55)) - why? Because to be deprived of the Love of Allah - the Love of Ar-Rahman, Ar-Raheem; is the most unfortunate thing that a living creature and experience

- but when it comes to not walking the talk, He declares that "Most Hateful it is with Allah that you say that which you do not do" (As Saff 61:3) - heavy words, my friend - something to ponder about!

Make Allah make our hearts firm, increase us i knowledge, increase our love to advise others, and improve the effectiveness & quality of our 'sales' - Ameen!

Phew! Glad i finally got that out of my system.

- why islam? Why NOT?!