Treating Children with “Respect”: Building the Foundations of Our Relationship

We love these cute AirAsia fridge magnets. But Muawiyah gets really annoyed when he sees them on the fridge. To him, these are toys – trucks and planes – and they should be on the floor, not hung up on the refrigerator. Whenever he sees them, he will take them all down and line them up with the rest of this toy cars, trucks and planes. Okay buddy, we understand.

Taking cues from the guidance per the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, the parenting approach we chose to take in our dealings with Muawiyah was, as much as practicable, to be, respectful and encouraging to our son. Our long-term goal is to create that loving mentoring figure who he is comfortable sharing his thoughts, feelings and struggles and will reach out to us in the time of need. Some might call this being your child’s “friend”, in a sense.

On the opposite end of the spectrum though, there is another school of thought with regards to this matter. I recall having been to an Islamic parenting course before and one of the speakers brought up that we should have a very rough and firm, no-nonsense approach; after all, it’s a harsh world out there and we need to make MEN out of these boys. In fact I very clearly remember the words along the lines of:

“no, as parents we should NOT befriend them. I am not your friend. I am your mother and you need to listen to me”.

Whoa. That was intense.

I can see where she was coming from, and while I respect and empathize with the approach and the reasoning behind them, I also see glaring flaws and potential undesirable long-term ramifications for such conduct.

For me, personally I would prefer to take a more coach-like approach built upon trust – and this begins with respect. These are the underlying thoughts why we consciously decide to take this approach:

1. The Need for Connection

The way I see it is, human beings need close personal connections and bonds. People need others they can talk to, to share their thoughts and feelings with in a safe environment without being rebuked. And if the parents aren’t going to step up to be those people to their child, then trust me, someone else will: at best, it would be a “best friend” with a good upbringing. At worst, it could be rebellious attention-seeking problem maker, or the “Mr. Nice Guy” sensitive boyfriend.

2. Lessons from Surah Yusuf: Interaction of little Yusuf and his father Ya’qub

There was an interesting life lesson I learnt during tafser class of Surah Yusuf. The story begins with Yusuf, who was 6 years old at the time, told his father about experiencing a very unusual dream. (Refer surah Yusuf, 12:4). Of all people in the world he knew, the one person he chose to share it with was his father. Kids, that age, when they come across something thrilling or mind-blowing, would usually share it with their friends, peers, or brothers – he had twelve of them, after all, and he could have told it to any one of them! But no – his father was his conversant of choice. This by itself shows the trusting relationship that Yusuf had with his father, indirectly signifying his father Ya’qub’s parenting approach to build that connection that led to that moment.

I recall also a lesson from Sajid Umar highlighting that the ayah begins with “iz” (meaning, “when”) – indicating that talking to his father is a habit that Yusuf always does – not a once-off. The response by his father Ya’qub in the preceding ayah signifies the genuine attentiveness he brings in his interactions with his young child – he never scoffed his child for telling him a ‘trivial tale’ or fantasy about his dreams. He listened attentively and provided genuine sincere advice. Though these points are more related to communication, it also is a showcase of the fruits resultant from an underlying two-way respect in a parent-child relationship.

3. Children need more than breadwinners

While growing up, I was very close friends with several individuals who were raised in very wealthy families. One of them, was raised in a very well-off household: his parents showered him with gifts, good provisions, and solid financial support all the way up to university, and they were decent, honest folks. In fact, I remember I was even somewhat envious of him when I first knew him back then.

But I remember very clearly him telling me about his upbringing:

“I would love to tell my parents that appreciate all these wonderful things. But at the end of the day, I want more than someone who pays my bills and gives me things. I want a friend. Someone who understands me. Someone to talk to”.

Although he had abundant physical nourishment and a very comfortable life, he always felt emotionally neglected. Those were really touching words, and though was 16 years ago since I heard these words, I remember telling myself: if I ever was going to be a parent someday, this is something I need to be mindful of, and avoid at all costs.

4. What was the Sunnah approach?

Most importantly, we need to refer it back directly to the best of examples – Prophet Muhammad ﷺ himself. A few weeks back I compiled an article titled “Mercy to the Little Ones: How The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ Treated Children”. Though it definitely wasn’t exhaustive – as I am certain that there are more narrations I have left out or am not aware of – it was very clear that the Prophet ﷺ treated children with mercy, kindness, optimism – even a little bit of silly playfulness – and more importantly: respect. And it is with these hadith that form the principles of how we chose to raise our Little Man, with the recognition that Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was the best example for mankind to follow in all his actions.

While kindness, playfulness and compassion is fairly common, the topic of “Respect” towards children has a special place of priority for us, as it is a thing of rarity and short supply in the typical Asian parenting culture.

Some would define this approach as “Respectful Parenting”, but we don’t box ourselves up to such definitions. If anything, I would prefer calling it “Sunnah parenting”, in reference to our core principles and values.

One hadith that brings this context is as follows:

عَنْ سَهْلِ بْنِ سَعْدٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم أُتِيَ بِشَرَابٍ، وَعَنْ يَمِينِهِ غُلاَمٌ وَعَنْ يَسَارِهِ أَشْيَاخٌ، فَقَالَ لِلْغُلاَمِ ‏ "‏ أَتَأْذَنُ لِي أَنْ أُعْطِيَ هَؤُلاَءِ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَقَالَ الْغُلاَمُ لاَ، وَاللَّهِ لاَ أُوثِرُ بِنَصِيبِي مِنْكَ أَحَدًا‏.‏ فَتَلَّهُ فِي يَدِهِ‏.

Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d: A drink (of milk and water) was brought to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) while a boy was sitting on his right side and old men were sitting on his left side. He asked the boy, "Will you allow me to give it to these (people)?" 
The boy said, "No, by Allah, I will not allow anyone to take my right from you! " 
Then the Prophet put the bowl in the boy's hand.

(Narrated by Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

There are so many amazing lessons in leadership here, but the thing that strikes me most is how much respect the Prophet ﷺ showed towards a child in the presence of elders: To inquire AND grant the child’s permission, even though it is against what the Prophet ﷺ himself wanted.

This is something almost completely unheard of in the society that many of us were raised in, where children are given very little respect. Most of the time children have no say in any matter and are just told to “get in line” and “stop whining”, and hence by our actions disallowing them of any form of autonomy.

If we pay extra attention to the details of his conduct, we can find that this respect has a lot more depth to it. At the most basic, one level of respect is that we at least communicate to them, let them talk it through, provide their feedback but eventually pep talk them into accepting the inevitability of the decision we’ve already made.

One higher level of respect is to actually give them a choice. And there are two sub-levels to this. The first, (arguably less ethical) is to give them the ‘illusion’ of choice – and talk to them as if they had a say, but manipulate and talk your way into ‘steering’ the fatalistic decision that you’ve already made your mind up in the first place. It may sound less ethical, but at least the child will have a feeling of respect that at least he is heard and that his point of view does indeed matter.

So notice this hadith here that the Prophet ﷺ is demonstrating an even higher level of respect: for a leader to delegate actual autonomy, be denied of your choice, and comply with what you want.

AND… to be denied by none other than a child!
Now of course, this autonomy is certainly not absolute; in the context of this hadith, it is simply a matter of table manners” (adab/etiquettes of eating). The principle here is that parents and educators need to exercise hikmah (wisdom) in addressing- but at least, try your level best, in the “less important” areas, empower them with some autonomy and decision-making where you are able to.

In future posts insha Allah we will share other examples on HOW exactly do we translate this “respectful approach” into practical action, especially during these infant years.

#frominfanttolittleman #parentingreflections #sunnah #raisingMuawiyah