What is the wisdom and lessons learnt when we get burned by others
who we genuinely attempted to help and aid?
What do you feel, and what do you do next, when you find out
an organization that you’ve provided charity for – turns out to be a scam or
part of a syndicate?
Or when a person you’ve been providing aid and assistance to
– perhaps one you might have considered to be a good friend at some point of
time – turns out to be a fraud or a liar, shows complete disregard for any form
of gratitude, or perhaps worse yet, bites the hand that fed him/her?
My dear generous friends out there, I’m pretty sure many of
you had experience in lending money to others have experienced exactly what I’m
talking about.
Understandably, many people’s reactions will feel
emotionally and mentally traumatized from the ordeal; perhaps to the point
where one might vow never to lend money, give charity, or perhaps even get into
a close relationship with other friends again. Some may even have a change in
attitude in skepticism and paranoia, perhaps even developing a pessimistic world
view, in an attempt to psychologically erect a defensive mechanism to protect themselves
from being burned, and to save themselves from the loss, humiliation,
disappointment, or embarrassment, of the experience.
And when these frauds exist in a community affecting others
as they abuse the trust of the good people, we can clearly see how these few
bad apples will have a ripple negative effect in society as the generous turn skeptic
and jaded – and eventually, depriving the ones who are genuinely in need in the
community.
But here’s the thing, right: if a bad experience and few bad
apples make us abandon doing good for others in the future, then we have to ask
ourselves, were we truly sincere?
This is the challenge to us: to take the high road. If we
were sincere, we would continue helping others and spend – from our money,
time, efforts and resources – for the path of Allah regardless of a few bad
experiences. Albeit with more wisdom.
Righteous deeds will still be righteous deeds. A few
scammers, frauds and bad apples will never change that. Scammers come, they go,
they die, and they get judged on the Day of Judgment.
But Allah – the One who rewards righteous deeds, the
All-Generous, All-Knowing, the Master and King of the Day of Judgment – is Ever
Living and will never let your deeds go to waste.
Let me explain. Here are some personal guidelines I adhere
to, in order to remind myself to be steadfast when being burned by these
terrible, oppressive people. In Summary:
1. No regrets: Allah will never allow your sincere deeds
to go to waste
2. Learn from mistakes: but be sure to extract the correct
lessons. Do not confuse “generosity” with “gullibility”/ “naïveté”
3. Warn others of the potential harm
4. Take it as a "character development" lesson
from Allah. Don't take it personally. Remember, the prophets - people better
than us - had to deal with people worse than these people we are dealing with!
5. Forgive but hold them accountable for their mistakes -
Take the example of Abu bakr
6. Sincerity: Not expecting others for their gratitude
7. Prove that you were sincere: Keep up your good deeds. The
devil tries to trick you into stopping good deeds.
Bismillah.
1. No
regrets: Allah will never allow your sincere deeds to go to waste
Whatever you spent of your wealth, time, or efforts – as long
as it was sincere (which you did to the best of your judgment based on the
information made available to you at the time), and upon the correct guidance
of the sunnah – then Allah will keep it into account nevertheless, for he is “الشَكُورٌ” (Ash-Shakur: the All-Appreciative and All-Grateful)
وَلَا نُضِيعُ أَجْرَ الْمُحْسِنِينَ
“And we will never allow the reward of those who sincerely do
good (al-Muhsinun) to go to waste” (Surah Yusuf, 12:56)
2. Learn
from mistakes: but be sure to extract the correct lessons. Do not confuse “generosity”
with “gullibility”
The Prophet ﷺ said:
لاَ يُلْدَغُ الْمُؤْمِنُ
مِنْ جُحْرٍ وَاحِدٍ مَرَّتَيْنِ
"A believer is not stung twice (by something) from the
same hole." (Narrated by Al-Bukhari and Muslim)
If we have indeed established clear proofs that a person or
organization is a fraud or a scammer, then we should indeed learn a lesson from
the incident not to be tricked again by that same fraud; and perhaps learn
lessons from this incident, on their modus operandi, on how to identify and
prevent similar schemes in the future.
What we shouldn’t do, though, is go overboard in our trauma
to the point where we stop our generosity altogether!
3. Warn
others of the potential harm
The Prophet ﷺ said,
وَمَنْ غَشَّنَا فَلَيْسَ مِنَّا
“And whomsoever cheats us, is not from among us” (Narrated
by Muslim)
If we have established clear evidence and proof with
certainty that a person or organization is committing fraud, then we have a social
responsibility to warn others to prevent them from being victims of their
oppressive schemes.
The Prophet ﷺ would also do this.
When Fatimah bint Qays was offered with a marriage proposal from three men:
Muawiyah bin Abi Sufyan, Abu Jahm and Usamah bin Zaid, she sought advice from
the Prophet ﷺ as to whose marriage proposal she should
accept. The Prophet ﷺ
said,
أَمَّا مُعَاوِيَةُ فَرَجُلٌ تَرِبٌ
لاَ مَالَ لَهُ وَأَمَّا أَبُو جَهْمٍ فَرَجُلٌ ضَرَّابٌ لِلنِّسَاءِ وَلَكِنْ أُسَامَةُ
بْنُ زَيْدٍ
"So far as Mu'awiya is concerned, he is a poor man
without any property. So far as Abu Jahm is concerned, he is a great beater of
women, but (you should marry) Usama b. Zaid"
(Narrated by Muslim)
The Prophet ﷺ warned Fatimah
against the negative characteristics of these two men, which could cause harm
and negatively impact her if taken as a husband.
Now bear in mind, the Prophet was speaking about his
companions here, people beloved and dear to him. But when it came to providing
testimonials for them for a formal relationship commitment, he gave a
transparent assessment.
This was not considered backbiting as it was to prevent a
greater harm. And so therefore, friends aside, call a spade a spade. But keep
it pro: don’t transgress the limits in backbiting and insulting their
character.
4. Take
it as a "character development" lesson from Allah. Don't take it
personally. Remember, the prophets - people better than us - had to deal with
people worse than these people we are dealing with!
The Prophet ﷺ said:
إِنَّ
الْمُسْلِمَ إِذَا كَانَ مُخَالِطًا النَّاسَ وَيَصْبِرُ عَلَى أَذَاهُمْ خَيْرٌ
مِنَ الْمُسْلِمِ الَّذِي لاَ يُخَالِطُ النَّاسَ وَلاَ يَصْبِرُ عَلَى أَذَاهُمْ
“Indeed when the Muslim mixes with the people and he is
patient with their harm, he is better than the Muslim who does not mix with the
people and is not patient with their harm.'"
(HR At-Tirmidzi, dinilai sahih oleh Al-Albani)
Whenever I deal with toxic people and difficult persons, I always
remind myself of this hadith as it puts into perspective that we learn more
about ourselves just as much as we learn about the scammer: How should we respond
when the person shows his/her true colors?
How can we take active efforts to take the high road, to
intelligently navigate through the schemes, strategically remove the oppression
and navigate ourselves to find a solution, and finally doing so without triggering
or inflicting any harm? Can we remain patient in spite of their intolerably bad
behavior, and put our trust in Allah for the best outcome throughout?
In my recent encounter with a friend-turned-scammer, when I was
verbally abused, I immediately reminded myself of a hadith, when the Prophet ﷺ
was verbally abused by a person who insolently accused the Prophet ﷺ
of not dealing with justice. His response was amazing. He ﷺ
said,
يَرْحَمُ اللَّهُ مُوسَى قَدْ أُوذِيَ
بِأَكْثَرَ مِنْ هَذَا فَصَبَرَ
“May Allah have mercy on (Prophet) Musa (Moses); he was abused
far worse than this but he remained patient.” (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)
I thought this was such an inspirational response! Indeed,
Prophet Musa faced some toxic people amongst his followers of the Children of
Israel. Just from Surah Al-Baqarah alone we can see their attitude: From questioning
Musa and Allah, from challenging his authority, giving silly excuses. This trained
Prophet ﷺ to be mentally prepared for handling these types of people which
he actively referenced in this hadith.
And imagine the kind of people the Prophet ﷺ
had to deal with! From bedouins in the desert who had zero respect or regard
and would demand ridiculous things of him ﷺ,
to his own family member Abu Lahab that betrayed him, to his own kin who used
to consider him “the truthful and trustworthy” and later on conspire to
assassinate and humiliate him. Bedouins would take advantage of his generosity
and gentleness. Yet none of this ever deterred his spirit in continuing those positive
traits.
The Prophet
ﷺ
said:
لَيْسَ الشَّدِيدُ بِالصُّرَعَةِ،
إِنَّمَا الشَّدِيدُ الَّذِي يَمْلِكُ نَفْسَهُ عِنْدَ الْغَضَبِ
“True strength is not the one who overcomes others by his
physical strength (i.e. wrestling others); true strength is the one who
controls himself when he is in anger”
(Narrated by Al-Bukhari)
This recent encounter really pushed my patience to the limit
in controlling my anger, as I was constantly provoked in my face and forced
myself to disperse it with calmness and optimism. By pushing me to these
limits, it was almost like a “strength test” and taught me that if I could
overcome that resistance and keep my emotions in check, I know I have expanded
my sabr just that little bit more.
This incident reminded me again why we should always proactively
learn from these examples from he seerah and the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ
as a “field manual” in dealing with toxic people, so that in the random event
we do encounter them, we can immediately apply them on the field, and improve
ourselves as we make mistakes along the way. Yes, we will make mistakes; the
point never was to be “perfect” – but to have the earnest desire to improve
ourselves despite the mistakes.
And I always find it a valuable tool, that whenever we are
stuck in a very difficult situation, I ask myself, “How would the Prophet ﷺ
respond in this situation?”
Whatever our response is, keep it professional and do not
take it to heart. A’isya described the mannerisms of her husband, the Prophet ﷺ
she said:
وَمَا انْتَقَمَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ
صلى الله عليه وسلم لِنَفْسِهِ إِلاَّ أَنْ تُنْتَهَكَ حُرْمَةُ اللَّهِ عَزَّ
وَجَلَّ
“The Messenger of Allah never would take revenge on account of
his own personal grievances, except the matters in which Allah, the Exalted and
Glorious, had made haram (prohibited)” (Narrated by Muslim)
Take a step back and assess ourselves with respect to the situation:
What are the valuable life lessons I can extract from this situation?
Instead of saying, “I wasted money on him/them”, turn the
ship around and plant yourself with the optimistic mindset that “I invested this
money for my personal growth and development in akhlaq – and despite being fooled,
nevertheless, I am hopeful Allah is still going to reward me for my earnest, good
intention anyway!”
In an incident called the incident of “ifk”, A’isyah, the
wife of the Prophet ﷺ was slandered and falsely accused with adultery. After the incident,
Allah reveals her innocence and then tells us that in fact, the whole incident
was a GOOD THING for them! Why? Because of the wisdom and lessons they learnt
from the entire ordeal.
إِنَّ الَّذِينَ جَاءُوا بِالْإِفْكِ
عُصْبَةٌ مِنْكُمْ ۚ لَا تَحْسَبُوهُ شَرًّا لَكُمْ ۖ بَلْ هُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ ۚ لِكُلِّ
امْرِئٍ مِنْهُمْ مَا اكْتَسَبَ مِنَ الْإِثْمِ ۚ وَالَّذِي تَوَلَّىٰ كِبْرَهُ مِنْهُمْ
لَهُ عَذَابٌ عَظِيمٌ
“Verily! Those who brought forth the slander (against A’isyah,
the wife of the Prophet ﷺ) are a group among you.
Consider it not a bad thing for you. No, it is good for you!
Unto every man among them will be paid that which he had
earned of the sin, and as for him among them who had the greater share therein,
his will be a great torment” (Surah An-Nur, 24:11)
5.
Forgive but hold them accountable for their mistakes - Take the example of Abu Bakr
Among those who spread the lies and slander against A’isyah was
the person by the name of Mistah, who was a family member of Abu Bakr (the father
of A’isyah), and whom Abu Bakr had been spending for and sponsoring his means
of livelihood. When he found out that Mistah betrayed him by spreading this
evil accusation:
أَبُو بَكْرٍ الصِّدِّيقُ ـ وَكَانَ
يُنْفِقُ عَلَى مِسْطَحٍ لِقَرَابَتِهِ مِنْهُ ـ وَاللَّهِ لاَ أُنْفِقُ عَلَى مِسْطَحٍ
شَيْئًا أَبَدًا، بَعْدَ الَّذِي قَالَ لِعَائِشَةَ. فَأَنْزَلَ اللَّهُ {وَلاَ
يَأْتَلِ أُولُو الْفَضْلِ مِنْكُمْ وَالسَّعَةِ أَنْ يُؤْتُوا أُولِي الْقُرْبَى}
الآيَةَ. قَالَ أَبُو بَكْرٍ بَلَى وَاللَّهِ إِنِّي لأُحِبُّ أَنْ يَغْفِرَ اللَّهُ
لِي. فَرَجَعَ إِلَى مِسْطَحٍ النَّفَقَةَ الَّتِي كَانَ يُنْفِقُ عَلَيْهِ وَقَالَ
وَاللَّهِ لاَ أَنْزِعُهَا عَنْهُ أَبَدًا
Abu Bakr As-Siddiq who used to provide for Mistah some
financial aid because of his relation to him, said, "By Allah, I will
never give anything (in charity) to Mistah, after what he has said about A’isyah"
Then Allah revealed:--
“And let not those among you who are good and are wealthy
swear not to give (any sort of help) to their kinsmen, Al-Masakin (the poor),
and those who left their homes for Allah's Cause. Let them pardon and forgive.
Do you not love that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most
Merciful.”
(Surah An-Nur 24.22)
Upon the revelation of that verse, Abu Bakr said, "Yes,
by Allah, I like that Allah should forgive me."
and then resumed giving Mistah the aid he used to give him
and said,
"By Allah! I will never withhold it from him."
(Narrated by Al-Bukhari)
Man, I get goosebumps and emotional every time I think of
this hadith. Imagine someone from your own family who you provided money for,
would accuse your own daughter – the wife of the Prophet ﷺ
- of adultery! The betrayal! But here, you forgive him. Not only that, but you
resume sponsoring his livelihood AND you swear an oath to Allah to NEVER Stop
providing for him! SubhanAllah, what an exemplary showcase of tolerance, forgiveness
and generosity!
Here's the important point: Abu Bakr did so (forgave
Mistah), on the grounds of expecting forgiveness from Allah. Remember the
principle: people come and go. But the Mercy of Allah is forever.
But in spite of forgiveness, Mistah was still held
accountable and was punished (lashed) for slandering Aisya.
Lesson: Forgive them for the personal offences they
committed against you, but hold them accountable.
It is worth noting that the crime of Mistah in this example was
not related to fraud; rather it was related to gossip and slander. Abu Bakr
giving money to him did not contribute to his wrongdoings (to cheat others). If
you have dealt with a conman fraud, or a deceitful syndicate, then to
"forgive" and continue giving money is an act of foolishness.
6. Sincerity:
Not expecting others for their gratitude
We should not get upset if people fail to show us gratitude for
the kindness we have given for them. When describing the people of “Al-Abrar” (the
Righteous), Allah tells us that they openly confess:
إِنَّمَا نُطْعِمُكُمْ لِوَجْهِ اللَّـهِ
لَا نُرِيدُ مِنْكُمْ جَزَاءً وَلَا شُكُورًا
"We feed you only seeking the Face of Allah;
We do not wish for any reward nor gratitude from you.”
(Surah Al-Insan, 76:9)
In fact, it is worth noting that Allah tells us that very
few of his slaves are grateful to Him (Refer to Surah Saba’ 34:13). And so, my
friend, if the majority of mankind are ungrateful to Allah for the great blessings
He granted them, then who are you or I to demand and expect gratitude from
others?!
Having said that, this is with respect to how WE deal with the
ingratitude of others. It still does not validate them as “right” or negate the
fact that being ungrateful for the kindness of others is indeed an oppressive
sin, which is so severe in the sight of Allah that it could be punishable with Hell.
The Prophet ﷺ described the
characteristics of women who were punished with the Hellfire –
"
يَكْفُرْنَ الْعَشِيرَ، وَيَكْفُرْنَ الإِحْسَانَ، لَوْ أَحْسَنْتَ إِلَى
إِحْدَاهُنَّ الدَّهْرَ ثُمَّ رَأَتْ مِنْكَ شَيْئًا قَالَتْ مَا رَأَيْتُ مِنْكَ
خَيْرًا قَطُّ
"They are ungrateful to their husbands and are
ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them.
Even though you have always been good (benevolent) to them,
when she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never
received any good from you."
(Narrated by Al-Bukhari)
7. Prove
that you were sincere: Keep up your good deeds. The devil tries to trick you
into stopping good deeds.
Let us not forget that those deeds – of helping others,
giving in charity – are hugely rewarding acts of worship which are greatly rewarded
by Allah. Do not allow the shaitan (devil) to whisper feelings of despair and
make us abandon these righteous deeds altogether. There are many more opportunities
The Prophet ﷺ said,
مَنْ نَفَّسَ عَنْ مُؤْمِنٍ
كُرْبَةً مِنْ كُرَبِ الدُّنْيَا نَفَّسَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ كُرْبَةً مِنْ كُرَبِ
يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ، وَمَنْ يَسَّرَ عَلَى مُعْسِرٍ، يَسَّرَ اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ
فِي الدُّنْيَا وَالْآخِرَةِ، وَمَنْ سَتَرَ مُسْلِما سَتَرَهُ اللهُ فِي
الدُّنْيَا وَالْآخِرَةِ ، وَاَللَّهُ فِي عَوْنِ الْعَبْدِ مَا كَانَ الْعَبْدُ
فِي عَوْنِ أَخِيهِ
“Whoever removes a worldly grief from a believer, Allah will
remove from him one of the griefs of the Day of Resurrection.
And whoever alleviates the need of a needy person, Allah
will alleviate his needs in this world and the Hereafter.
Whoever shields [or hides the faults of] a Muslim, Allah
will shield him in this world and the Hereafter.
And Allah will aid His slave so long as he aids his brother.”
(Narrated by Muslim)
May Allah make us amongst the sincere and those who are
steadfast upon righteous deeds, and protect our ummah from the oppressive
scammers, frauds and liars.
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