The Miracle Method to resolve conflicts and misunderstanding: Just Pick Up the phone and call

 

When was the last time you were involved in a Cold War? What did you do to resolve it?

You know what I’m talking about: the kind of “unseen” conflicts that we Malaysians get into almost all the time because we hate confrontation and avoid difficult conversations. The kind where we smile through our teeth as if everything is fine and we “redha je”, but in fact we are actually deeply unhappy inside, though unable to speak up out of fear or to live up to the ever-present need to not upset anyone and look like “the good guy”. 

The problem is, behind the scenes, this unhappiness manifests in the form of backbiting, politicking, name-calling, subconscious evasive manners when we meet the other party, and of course, the infamous PhD syndrome: envy, a.k.a. “perasaan-hasad-dengki”.

Perhaps more appropriately, we should call it the “cold shoulder” war.

There have been many incidents throughout my professional and personal life where I was inadvertently roped into these cold war conflicts without realizing it. Misunderstanding between family members, negative judgment against bosses, subordinates, fellow colleagues, other departments – sometimes admittedly because of my own shortcomings, but sometimes triggered from the silliest, most trivial causes but gets blown out of proportion: made even worse through social media. Unfortunately, it even happens between ustadzs and very educated and respected people.

And many times, I realized the solution is quite simple: all it takes is just for one person to pick up the phone and call. 

It’s so ridiculously simple and effective, yet few people do – because of the preconceived judgment we have of the other party. Because of our ego, we get locked into a prolonged stalemate of strained relationships.

You see my friends, when you take the first step to touch base and come to a mutual understanding of each party’s perception and needs, many times you will be pleasantly surprised and realize that they are actually very decent and reasonable people. We earn their trust as people who are genuinely seeking to find a resolution. And as human beings, it’s almost impossible not to reciprocate an act of personal honesty and integrity.

But this can only take place if you give the other party the benefit of doubt, put aside your misconceptions, swallow your ego and take the first step. 

One time I remember our team received a pretty lousy performance rating by our superior. As the whole team was disgruntled and demoralized, some beginning to harbor ill-thoughts of our boss, I just went up to his office, reached out to him face to face to initiate a casual conversation and neutrally asked, “is something wrong?” It turns out that he himself was struggling at his job, admitted that he made a mistake in setting “higher standards”, and did not have a solid strategy to defend our performance appraisals. 

That conversation turned from “we are frustrated” to a collaborative “how can we help?”. It opened up a productive conversation to iron things out and come up with strategies to improve.

The following year, our team was the highest performers in the department. All of it started with an ice-breaking conversation.  

Similar incidents happened in my own personal life: all it took to clear the air was a simple phone call. Many times, an uneasy situation of misunderstanding tends to create a negative perception towards the other party and therefore lock ourselves into this cognitive bias against them, blowing matters out of proportion in our heads – hence triggering the cold war. And as long as we don’t break the cycle and start to communicate, we tend to “spy on them” without empathy, therefore forming signs that create new “assumptions” to reinforce our negative judgment against them. This is basically the was-was of shaytan; that is why Allah tells us:

وَقُلْ لِعِبَادِي يَقُولُوا الَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ ۚ إِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ يَنْزَغُ بَيْنَهُمْ 

“And say to My slaves (i.e. the true believers of Islamic Monotheism) that they should (only) say those words that are the best. (Because) Shaitan (Satan) verily, sows disagreements among them.” (Surah Al-Isra, 17:53)

If you take the initiative, pick up the phone and call, will it be successful all the time? Not necessarily. Sometimes, the relationship might still be strained. In fact, sometimes, the other party might still just “pretend” to be nice, but continuing to harbor ill-feelings against you. Sometimes they might ignore you and continue the hostility altogether. 

But at least you’ve taken the high road and done your part; it isn’t your responsibility to judge what is in their hearts. And practically speaking, even if the hostility continues, you understand the minefield a little bit more: you can be just that little bit wiser to navigate the problem better in the future. Which is still a win! As they say, “there is no failure. Only feedback”. 

Have a difficult situation in your personal or professional life? 

Pick up the phone and personally call them. Better yet, video call them. I dare you.