Surprisingly, my favorite non-Islamic book in 2020 was about a topic which I thought I had absolutely zero interest in: Negotiation. “Never split the difference” was written by ex-FBI Chris Voss, detailing out tactics in negotiation, derives from his 20+ years experience in hostage negotiation in dealing with hostage-takers and terrorists, and his experience as a coach in negotiation since his retirement.
I enjoy the book for many reasons, but one of them is how practical and effective the techniques are in day-to-day application. One of the most surprising application of these techniques is an area I never expected: Parenting.
But it makes sense, though, when you think about the goals of negotiation: How do we influence other people to do things, without forcing, bribing or threatening them, but rather by encouraging genuine cooperation. And not only that, but ideally, when they DO comply, how can we provide a sense of empowerment that they are making the right choice without feeling like they are cheated or “suckered” in to making a choice they don’t want?
Wait a minute. This is exactly what we want to achieve in tarbiyah, as parents!
What I really like is how this book dispelled my pre-conceived negative perception about Negotiation. I always thought of negotiation as being about deception, manipulation and forcing others. But the author highlights, this isn’t effective negotiation at all. In fact, the core of negotiation is about something much more human: emotional intelligence!
Which is amazing because essentially, these are practical tips of how we can be more merciful and compassionate to our children: and get things done effectively in the process! The Prophet ﷺ said, "He is not one of us: the one who does not have mercy towards our young ones, and does not respect our elders" (Abu Daud, At-Tirmidzi)
Here is a summary of six negotiating techniques which I apply in my day-to-day conduct with our 3-years old son, Muawiyah – especially in getting him to do things he doesn’t like:
1. Keep it positive: in your facial appearance and your tone of your voice
Quote: “Put a smile on your face. When people are in a positive frame of mind, they think more quickly, and are more likely to collaborate and problem-solve (instead of fight and resist). Positivity creates mental agility in both you and your counterpart”. In addition to our facial expressions, the author also emphasizes that in our communication, we should always put the “positive/playful voice” as the default voice of an easy-going, good-natured person to be light and encouraging.
Now, let’s put these writings into context. This is advice derived from the author’s FBI experience in hostage negotiation with terrorists! Criminals, crooks!
So, how much more important would this be for children we love?
Tone of voice plays such a huge impact in any negotiation; in the same way positivity creates encouragement, angry vibes create resistance and defensiveness. It can get stressful when they throw tantrums at us in times we want them to do something (though certainly not as stressful as negotiating armed terrorists!), but as long as we hold the fort and keep it optimistic, this sets the tone for a positive collaboration.
2. “How am I supposed to do that?” The Art of saying no without saying “no”.
Coming from a Malaysian (or is it generally, Asian?) culture of habitually saying “No”, “don’t” and “jangan” all the time, I was convinced there was a better way. I have always believed that in parenting, saying “No” has a tendency of having an antagonizing effect, which can often invite resistance and rebellion.
Yet on the other hand, it is the experience of every single parent to confront lots of unreasonable or ridiculous requests every day. So, how do you turn them down?
In the friendliest, most innocent manner, you ask a variation of “How am I supposed to do that?”
In practice, this would sound something like “Oh that’s a nice toy! But it’s so expensive… How is Abah going to find money to buy that?” or “I want to have ice cream too! But if I eat too much, it’s going to spoil Abah’s teeth and Muawiyah’s teeth. I don’t want to spoil my teeth, then Abah will look ugly like a monster! What do you think we should do?”
This kind of phrase brings many great benefits. It instills a sense of respect to the child to comprehend “adult matters”, and most importantly that we hear them and aren’t denying them of their feelings or desires. An open-ended “how” invites cooperation, ideas, and conversation. And isn’t this what family is about? Instead of being a party pooper that turns them down, this question gets us to be collective problem solvers.
.. And every once in a while, you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the creative solutions and justifications our little ones come up with!
3. Active Listening: Mirroring, summarizing what they are saying.
Mirroring is to repeat the last three words said by the person. According to the author, this conversation technique is so amazingly effective – yet so simple in practice – that people think it is some sort of “Jedi mind trick” (a book that teaches you to be a Jedi. Need I say more?).
It works so well because it acknowledges that the speaker is being heard, and that you are an active listener who empathizes, thereby increasing your chances of genuine cooperation. This is exactly the kind of building blocks relationship that we want to establish like the one Prophet Yusuf had with his father Ya’qub (alayhimassalam)!
The author also teaches the technique of summarizing what they say by repeating, “it sounds to me that…”. For children, this will sound something like, "do you mean, (summarize their sentence)?"
When you combine these two techniques, it creates an encouraging atmosphere of trial and error, which I find especially important in speech development during a toddler’s age. Muawiyah loves expressing stories and telling, and summarizing helps him generate new vocabulary and correct his use of words.
4. Letting THEM say “No” as much as possible: Create an illusion of “Control”
This is an interesting and shockingly cool technique: Your goal in negotiations is to allow the other party to say “no” as much as possible, so that EVENTUALLY they say YES when it really matters.
Getting them to say “no” almost sounds counter-intuitive; but it makes sense in the context of things. Many times people feel suckered into saying “yes” when they don’t actually mean it (the author calls this “counterfeit yesses”), and one of the worst techniques used by less competent negotiators is to push customers to a wall and “force” to say “yes” (which is what we tend to do as parents!)
On the other hand, the ability of saying “no” gives you the empowering feeling that you are in control, so when you finally say “yes”, you know you aren’t suckered into the decision. When the other party has said their “nos”, they subconsciously develop the idea that you are a fair person, so it’s only fair to reciprocate the favor. In the long run, this generates genuine cooperation and collaboration!
Toddlers love saying “no” and opposing us. And as parents this tends to annoy us or get on our nerves. But instead, embrace it, play the long game and Let them have it! So that when the time comes for truly important things that do matter, it increases the chances of “yes” later on.
In fact, the author suggests us to purposely frame question that will FORCE a “no”, somehow. Likewise, reframe this into a mindset of a child, especially a toddler, who always wants to have things their way. Get them to make as many “no” choices as possible. In practice, for parents, this can include incredibly silly questions like “Muawiyah do you like avocado?”, “Can your remote control car fly like a helicopter?”, “Muawiyah, can Abah ride your bicycle?”
THEN… when it comes time to uncomfortable instructions like “let’s go take you bath”, the resistance lowers down.
5. Slow down + Be comfortable with silence and pauses.
During negotiations, when things start to get a bit awkward, what tends to happen is we tend to fill in the uncomfortable silence with empty chatter, and even appease to the other party if we feel worried that we are being “unreasonable” (hence fail in our negotiation).
The best thing to do is to slow things down (to subconsciously indicate you are in control) and let the pauses take place. Sometimes, the receiving end requires some time to process the information. Keeping silent allows them to think, while at the same time sending a signal that you are serious about your point of view.
This is true for children – especially toddlers!
Our mistake is that sometimes we tend to fill in the silences by repeating, nagging and pounding the message ("i told you so many times!" etc), which, instead of emphasizing the strength of our stance, only serves to invite more resistance. Just keep quiet, let them vent, while you, last but not least…
6. Be firm, but kind: Hold the fort, but be nice.
An effective negotiator knows what he/she wants and sticks to it. Don’t allow your personal emotions, or feelings towards them, cloud the endgame of what you are really trying to achieve. It can be tempting to back down on what we want, especially when things get heated up (i.e. when they throw a tantrum at us), as this can inadvertently teach them the wrong lesson of being an entitled brat: All they need to do to get what they want is to raise their voice!
We need to hold the fort, while at the same time maintaining our approachability and calm to set the pace. As long as we don’t lose our temper and lash back out to the other party (in this case, our emotional child), this always gives a sense that we are in control and that their outbursts will not change the outcome, at the same time, through our patience, retain a sense of trust by demonstrating we genuinely love them. Besides, just like hostage-takers, sometimes the child just wants to test our limits and patience threshold!
The author also suggests shifting your voice when things get heated up: but instead of raising your voice, you lower it, and put your “late-night radio DJ voice”. When we put up a calm, soothing tone, in encourages the heated party to relax, and eventually, they will subconsciously realize that it will not be sensible to continue lashing out at such a nice, cool fella. Who, from the perspective of the child, just so happens to be my mum or my dad. Wouldn’t that be nice!
I know this really helped my relationship with my cheeky little man, and I hope it will be useful to you too! Do share your thoughts!
May Allah make our children and family the coolness of our eyes
No comments:
Post a Comment