This picture was taken a split second before Muawiyah fell into the bushes down below, after swinging out his arms to make fun of me telling him to “be careful, Little Man!”.
How we respond to our child’s experiences in handling accidents, injuries and falls?
I noticed that whenever accidents happen, children instinctively turn to adults and observe the adult’s response. Before I became a parent myself, I often wondered, what is the best way to respond?
Making mistakes and falling are part and parcel of life, especially in the process of learning. Whether we realize it or not, our response in these unexpected incidents – of multiple incidents spread across the course of their childhood – plays a vital role in teaching them important life lessons in shaping their personalities and attitudes that carry well into their adulthood.
I realized that the typical response of parents is either one of three: attack, sympathize or ignore. So, which one works best?
Turns out that, all three responses have major flaws to them.
There is a fourth, option which works best (well, at least in my understanding): Listen & Encourage. Be present, investigate, listen, treat if necessary, and encourage them to get up like a champ.
Let’s break down the 4 approaches:
1. Attack – As the phrase “insult to injury”, this one adds salt to the wound by scolding the child for their mistake. This response can potentially leave them traumatized and emotionally scarred, shaping them to conceal their faults, fear asking for help, or worse yet, resort to “trying things out” (i.e. misbehaving) in our absence. They could be raised in their childhood thinking they are defective, menace, or a “problem child” that inflicts pain to their parents, teachers and guardians.
The consequences almost sound criminal, right? Unfortunately, many parents do this upon instinct in the heat of the moment, in our frustration when they don’t listen to us. We lecture them, reiterating statements such as “I told you…”, “why don’t you listen to me”, or the biggest offender of all: “what is wrong with you?!” or “why are you so naughty?!”
2. Sympathize – Upon accident, we immediately express concerns with deep sympathy and (often times) panic with exaggerated concerns or bombarding them with excessive questioning (e.g. “tell me where it hurts! Show me!”). Interestingly, this makes the child cry even more. I personally have witnessed many instances where children fall, look confused, but the second that mom starts panicking, the child bursts into tears!
Firstly, sometimes our panicked response itself creates a traumatizing sense of anxiety in the child. They aren’t crying because of the pain, but because of the flood of anxiety, confusion, and physical pain start mixing up, pushing them into tears.
Secondly, although on one hand, this response does clearly demonstrate our love and concern for their safety and well-being, our exaggerated response may also have the inadvertent negative consequences of depriving the child from developing grit and resilience: to keep trying if they fail, and that “it is okay to make mistakes”.
Ever heard the Malay expression that "tak nak mak ayah risau?" (I don't want Mom and Dad to be concerned)
Because our over-protective response of panic paints this as a tragedy that should be avoided, the emotionally sensitive child may not want to cause grief or worry to their parents, and therefore they may learn to avoid taking risks, so they don’t disappoint their parents, who they might care deeply for.
We have to be aware that Children are intelligent enough to adapt to fulfill their emotional needs, so our extra concern might shape their behavior in other subconscious ways: the child may use accidents as an opportunity to deliberately gain closeness to their parents. It feels good to be cared for, right? Perhaps, if I get hurt, I can get some sympathy and a free hug!
3. Ignore – nothing much to this one. Just turn away, as if nothing happened. Dismiss the pain, or tell them “it’s nothing” or that “it’s okay”. In a nasty turn of events, this is sometimes done in combo with option #1 above by attacking them, telling them to “suck it up”, “stop being such a cry baby” or that “boys shouldn’t cry”.
Needless to say, this kind of response would leave the child feeling unloved or not cared for. What it *can* potentially do, is allow the child to learn resilience by themselves. However, without the ‘safety net’ of emotional security in the form of loving attention from their parents, after multiple tragedies, the child may end up feeling abandoned and alone, and therefore the fear of isolation could suppress the child’s ability to develop resilience.
4. Listen & encourage – Be present, investigate, listen, treat if necessary, and encourage them to get up like a champ.
In this method, the parent plays close attention to the child, making it clear that we are there for them. Because we are unaware of the extent of the incident, or the injury, the parent pays close attention to the emotional and physical state of the child, if there are any pain signals that demand attention, or if they are just minor falls which are a part of the learning process.
Most of the time, my first verbal response would be to ask, in the most casual and friendly tone “you alright, Little Man?” and wait for his feedback. 90% of the time, he will pick himself back up, start smiling, and resume his adventures.
But if he still pauses, I follow up with another casual “does it hurt? Ada luka ke?”. If he cries, give him a hug until he calms down, before (or if it looks severe, hug him WHILE simultaneously) we look for any signs of injury.
And if everything is fine again, we keep moving forward with an encouraging “oh, that didn’t work” or “let’s try that again!”
We teach the child to learn the natural consequences of their actions, develop grit by learning from mistakes and, through our actions, subconsciously teach them that we love them and want what is best for them!
Our response in this usually-2-minute-scenario might seem like a “small matter” - but imagine how many times children make mistakes throughout their childhood (or even, in a day!).
So, what behavior are we shaping in our children?
What do you think? Disagree with anything I said above? Pls comment and share: Would love to hear from you!
No comments:
Post a Comment