Haven’t we been in such situations where we hear about others speaking ill of us? Especially when we hear heartbreaking news that our friends or acquaintances – people we trust – spread harsh, painful words about us that not only hurt, but could seriously harm our reputation, and perhaps even result in outright character assassination?
Even more hurtful knowing that those individuals don’t even have the decency to tell us in person.. 😞
It happens in circles of friends, different groups, family members, and ESPECIALLY at the workplace, and usually the heart of what leads to office politics.
I have been a victim and target of such situations at many points in my personal and professional life, and they resulted in a lot of stress and heartbreaking fallouts which are difficult to rectify once other people get involved and add fuel to the fire.
How do we handle ourselves, should similar scenarios happen to us again in the future?
Recently I came across this golden advice by our beloved Imam, Muhammad ibn Idris Ash-Shafi’ee. A life changing advice on the actions, attitudes and paradigm that we should have when we hear about our friends speaking ill of us, beautifully summing up the wisdom and akhlaq (character) of a Muslim.
It starts by getting closure: To have the courage to confront and clarify.
Imam Ash-Shafi’ee advised his student, Yunus ibn Abdul A’la:
"O Yunus, if you hear something about your friend that you hate, don't rush to become an enemy and sever your trust with him, just because of hear-say. If you do so, you will be like a person who had demolished certainty with doubt.
Instead, go up to confront him and say, "I was told such-and-such", and be careful NOT to inform who was the informant. If he denies it, tell him, "you are more truthful and more righteous", and stop right there, do nothing further.
If he admits to it, and you can see a reasonable excuse for him, then pardon him, and if you do not find and excuse, ask, "what did you intend with those words?"
If he gives a reasonable excuse, then accept it from him. And if you do not consider that a reasonable excuse for that and you are out of options and have proven to him that indeed, it is a misconduct, then you have a choice:
If you want, you can retaliate and avenge yourself, tit-for-tat, without adding more than that.
But if you want, you may forgive him. And forgiveness is closer to righteous, more generous in generosity, because Allah says:
وَجَزَاءُ سَيِّئَةٍ سَيِّئَةٌ مِثْلُهَا فَمَنْ عَفَا وَأَصْلَحَ فَأَجْرُهُ عَلَى اللَّهِ
"And the recompense of an evil is with evil, but whoever pardons and makes amends, his reward is with Allah". (Ash-Shura 42:40)
If your soul (i.e. ego) desires for a revenge, then mention the goodness about that person, and do not underestimate the rest of his previous goodness because of this few evil deeds; if you were to do so, then you are guilty of the same evil that he committed.
The righteous man used to say: 'May Allah have mercy on him who rewarded me for my sins (I.e. By backbiting about me and giving away his good deeds) without adding to my sins, and without diminishing my rights'
O Yunus, if you have a friend, HOLD ON TO HIM – tighten your grip with him!
Because finding a true friend is DIFFICULT and breaking up that friendship is easy.
The ease with which a person abandons a friend, is the likeness to a boy who throws a big stone into the well, and it is easy for him to throw it. Yet it is so difficult for someone to throw it out from that well.
This is my advice and peace be upon you."
(End quote. Reference: Sifat as-Safwah)
What brilliant, comprehensive advice ما شاء الله !
In addition to the above, I would add to that: this approach can also be a means towards Self-development.
Many times have I discovered that what people spoke about me behind my back, had some truth behind it and turned out to be valuable input to improve.
Perhaps, upon seeking clarification with those who spoke ill of us, we might learn something about ourself that we didn't realize all this while. Maybe some subconscious behaviors which people dislike, maybe even self-inflicted reputation killers we didn't notice all this while, and just the humbling wake up call we needed to hear to snap out of our heedlessness.
With the right attitude and mindset, once we get past the superficial harshness, putting aside ego and personal stakes, we might find gems of constructive criticism that can help improve us in the long run.
It doesn't validate what they did. Backbiting is still backbiting, and they are still sinful for their deeds - but this perspective allows us to take the high road and see the silver lining behind the ordeal.
May Allah make us amongst those who have the courage to speak honestly and give sincere advice to one another, and may He protect us from the ill-effects of negative thoughts, backbiting, and envy.
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