Do you dislike “networking”?
I know I sure did - in the past.
But these days, I learned to change my perception to see it differently, approach it in a more human and organic way, and kind of get better at it.
In the recent DEAS 2023 conference, I had the opportunity to meet many new awesome people from many different backgrounds. And I had a great time doing it (never thought I’d see the day).
So, why DO we dislike networking? We all know in our rational minds that building relationships is good for us, on many levels. Isn’t it just another form of relationship-building?
The truth is, looking back, I actually enjoy meeting people. What I didn’t particularly enjoy about the (perceived) notion of “networking”, boils down to 3 elements: insincerity, pretentiousness, and social anxiety.
I didn’t like the idea of it being a transactional exercise: getting to know people because you want something from them, or linking with people as a utility to serve a personal agenda, i.e. “What can I get from getting to know you?” - When people exchange business cards solely with the mindset of WIIFM: What’s in it for me?
What I disliked most about it was the discrimination that came with the WIIFM approach. To be selective of whom you interact with, on the basis of a utalitarian and materialistic mindset: ‘if you are a nobody, you aren't “worthy” of my card or my time’. In this same vein, I hated the narcissistic idea of people only initiate conversations with “famous” people just to get a selfie, post on their instagram, to use it to boost some likes.
Plus, I didn’t like (what I perceived to be) inauthentic facade. This idea that you have to pretend to be someone else, to blend in. It felt so inauthentic and disingenuous.
And of course, finally: the social anxiety. Growing up as an introvert, I used to get really anxious at the thought of mingling with strangers. What if I run out of things to say? What if people discover that I’m just this talentless, boring fella who they just “wasted” their business card and their time?
It’s just so much easier stay in my social comfort zone!
The key to overcoming the aversion and anxiety of networking is answering this: How can we build relationships without being manipulative, while remaining true to our authentic selves AND get over the anxiety?
For me, there are many, but it all basically boils down to two main strategies: Mindset shift, and conversational technique.
1. Mindset shift: Be a student.
Be someone who is genuinely interested to learn about others - Ditch the transactional WIIFM thought. Don’t seek “what I can gain from them”. Instead, ask “what i can learn?”
Your purpose of building connection is to learn and expand your knowledge of others. Not solely to obtain potential clients, future job potential, testimonials, or build “cables” to call in favors in the future.
The core mindset here is to acknowledge that everyone has fascinating stories to tell. Your job is to give them a platform to share so you can uncover those gems. Take an interest to know about them - what they do, where they’re from, what brought them here,
This reminds me of a beautiful piece of advice related by the legendary Muslim Tabi’ee scholar, Hasan Al-Basri about being humble:
“True Humility is for you to leave your home, and believe that every single Muslim that you see is BETTER than you” (Ref: Minhaj Al-Qasidin, ibn Al-Jawzi)
This mindset of humility allows us to stay grounded, because we genuinely believe that other people must have some quality that is better than us - perhaps we just don’t know it yet!
When you approach conversations with this mindset, you naturally become a better listener. You’re not just pretending to listen, you really do want to take an interest to learn more. Their stories open up new perspectives, and eventually become your stories, too.
With this mindset, you won't be discriminating who “deserves” your attention, or pretend to be something that you’re not.
In the occasional event that you DO establish relationships that unravel a great opportunity - such as an awesome client or your future career trajectory - then consider that a bonus, and not the main objective.
1. Conversational Strategy: Active Listening
To me, active listening is the superpower behind any interaction - especially when meeting new people.
The key behind first-time networking conversations is to shine the spotlight on them, let them be the star of the conversation. ‘Ataa bin Abi Rabah, another Muslim scholar from the tabi’ee used to say:
“A young man came to me to inform me something (of knowledge), therefore I kept silent and listened, being fully attentive, as if I have never heard of it before, even though I have actually known about that matter before this man was even born” (Siyar A’lam An-Nubula 5/86)
Because of point #1 (your genuine interest to learn), it should be reflected by your words an actions by displaying a keen interest and a sense of wonder - “wow”, “fascinating”, “that’s so interesting”, “tell me more”.
As they talk and reveal more stuff, pick up something you know a little bit about - or even at least have some degree of interest: a place, a subject, a hobby, children. Something you heard about, but you weren’t sure: Then hone in on that. Ask questions and allow them to correct you. Do these enough times, it eventually involves into a legit thrilling conversation and journey of discovery.
This achieves two things: Firstly, it takes of the mental pressure and anxiety for you to come up with things to say and risk sounding uninteresting. Secondly, by showing your interest, it removes THEIR anxiety, knowing they aren't just talking to themselves! This not only encourages them to share more, but generates a positive experience of your interaction.
But… what if they dominate the conversation? What if you wind up stuck with a conversational narcissist? “When do I get to say something?”
Well, if we applied the mindset in #1 above, it shouldnt matter. We are here to learn, after all!
What do you think? Do you still have an aversion and anxiety in networking? What are some strategies that you use?
No comments:
Post a Comment