Back in our high school days, I remember reading this chain email that said,
‘The sweetest three words one could hear is “I love you”. The most hurtful words are “I love you, but…”.’
In our recent Managerial Excellence training course, the training material emphasized that when we deliver feedback, we should actively avoid using the word “but”.
Why? What’s the big deal with saying “but”?
“But” has a tendency to cancel out everything before it.
The minute you say “but”, everything before that feels irrelevant. The same thing in Bahasa Malaysia. We tend to use the word “tapi”, or “cuma” -
And it can be incredibly frustrating when we are on the receiving end of these buts. We all know how it feels!
“I think this is a great initiative, but…”
“That’s a valid point, but..”
“Aku setuju, cuma..”
“Kerja kau bagus, tapi…”
Ugh.
What’s so interesting is that I remember reading the exact same communication pointers in a parenting book, “How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen” by Joanna Faber and Julie King. When our kids “misbehave”, the first step is to acknowledge their emotions (not necessarily their actions) - and the key to making this work is to avoid saying “but”.
The author writes:
It is so very tempting to follow up a perfectly lovely statement accepting a feeling with the word BUT. We worry that our kids will think we approve of their negative behavior when we acknowledge a negative feeling. So, we sabotage our good intentions by saying:
“I understand you are furious, BUT you cannot hit your sister!”
”I know you want to stay and play, BUT it’s time to pick up your brother”
“I know you’re in the mood for cookies, BUT we don’t have any at home!”
“But” takes away the gift you’ve just given (of acknowledging their feelings). It’s like saying, “I hear how you feel and now I am going to explain to you why that feeling is wrong”. Imagine someone say, “I am so sorry your mother passed away. But hey, she’s dead, you’re alive, tears won’t change it; let’s move on!” (End Quote)
When we objectively place all of these together, it becomes clear - this isn’t an issue about lovebirds, corporate feedback, or little children. It’s a HUMAN thing. Not only does “but” negate everything that came before it; it can also be used — and perceived — as a way to diminish or undercut the object of the sentence or the person being spoken to.
Having the emotional intelligence to recognize how the small nuances in the choice of our words can completely derail our good intentions, and moving forward: How to choose our words wisely so to deliver more effective constructive feedback.
The strategy here is to BUILD instead of negate. Use your EQ agility to pick words to express “AND”, instead of “but”.
Rather than using “but”, “tapi” or “cuma” to kill the momentum cancel out everything before it, use wordings that are constructive to build on that momentum.
Adding, rather than contradicting, helps people feel more open. It also makes them more receptive to feedback or requests, and more likely to respond positively.
Here are two practical methods to avoid the “but” trap in our conversations:
1. www.ebi
The ME training taught us with the www.ebi technique. No, it’s not a website; it’s a feedback framework that combined appreciative and constructive feedback in a forward momentum. Basically it goes like this - “what went well” (appreciative feedback), followed by “even better if”.
So instead of saying “but”, we say “even better if”, framing it as the icing on the cake. “That study report was great work. Even better if you could….”
We can use slight variations to this: “I like that idea. What we ALSO need to consider..”
“That presentation was solid stuff!
2. “The problem is”
What if something totally contradicts what you want? Like your child refusing to brush his teeth, or wanting to watch TV after bedtime?
Author Joanna Faber suggests: “if you feel a but bubbling up, you can replace it with this handy sentence starter: the problem is…”
“It can be irritating to have to deal with a baby when you’re trying to build a spaceship! The problem is, babies don’t understand about Legos.”
“How disappointing to find an empty box when you’re in the mood for cookies! The problem is, it’s too late to go shopping.”
“The problem is” suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings. (End Quote)
We can use this at the workplace too. “I can understand why you mentioned ‘this isn’t important’ to the management committee. The problem is, in their perspective,…”
Or, you can frame it into a “how” question to shift the conversation to being constructive.
“That idea does have its merits. How will we convince the partner’s concerns about…”
Not only does this avoid the trap of negating their feelings, but if used well & with the right tone of voice, it has the power to turn us into PARTNERS and COLLABORATORS, instead of critics.
Do you use “buts” very often? How do you feel & respond when people “but” your every idea? Any other alternatives?
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