Optimism, Play and Happiness: Our “Default” Conduct

#frominfanttolittleman  #raisingMuawiyah
#parentingreflections #sunnah

The companion `Abdullah b. al-Harith (radhiAllahu anhu) said:

عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ الْحَارِثِ بْنِ جَزْءٍ، قَالَ مَا رَأَيْتُ أَحَدًا أَكْثَرَ تَبَسُّمًا مِنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم
"I have never seen anyone more in the habit of smiling than Allah's Messenger (Prophet Muhammad ﷺ)"
(Narrated by at-Tirmidhi who graded it hasan)

Coming into parenting with raising our Muawiyah, I made a conscious decision to make “positive and happy” our default interaction approach. Aside from the obvious benefits of a cheerful environment, we also wanted to make it another form of indirect disciplining: when he does something we are unhappy with, we would just show our unhappiness and not smile, to subconsciously create an atmosphere of unfamiliarity and outside of their comfort zone. When children observe their usually-happy parents suddenly become upset with them, let them learn to put in the effort to restore the positive status quo – what is familiar and “comfortable”. Contrast that to a parent who’s always yelling and shouting, when the child does something wrong – you can scold them into submission, but this will be leading out of fear, not out of seeking affection.

And we adopt this approach from our understanding of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, especially in his constant cheerfulness dealing with little ones.  We could see this in the various authentic narrations on how he treated his grandchildren (Hasan/Husain), his daughter Fatimah, and even other children in public.

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ كُنْتُ مَعَ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فِي سُوقٍ مِنْ أَسْوَاقِ الْمَدِينَةِ فَانْصَرَفَ فَانْصَرَفْتُ فَقَالَ ‏"‏ أَيْنَ لُكَعُ ـ ثَلاَثًا ـ ادْعُ الْحَسَنَ بْنَ عَلِيٍّ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَقَامَ الْحَسَنُ بْنُ عَلِيٍّ يَمْشِي وَفِي عُنُقِهِ السِّخَابُ، فَقَالَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم بِيَدِهِ هَكَذَا، فَقَالَ الْحَسَنُ بِيَدِهِ، هَكَذَا فَالْتَزَمَهُ
Abu Hurairah narrated: I was with Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) in one of the Markets of Medina. He left (the market) and so did I. Then he asked thrice, "Where is the little one?"
Then he said, "Call Al-Hasan bin `Ali."
So Al-Hasan bin `Ali got up and started walking with a necklace (of beads) around his neck.
The Prophet (ﷺ) stretched his hand out like this, and Al-Hasan did the same. 

The Prophet (ﷺ) embraced him and then said,

فَقَالَ ‏"‏ اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أُحِبُّهُ، فَأَحِبَّهُ، وَأَحِبَّ مَنْ يُحِبُّهُ ‏"‏‏.‏ قَالَ أَبُو هُرَيْرَةَ فَمَا كَانَ أَحَدٌ أَحَبَّ إِلَىَّ مِنَ الْحَسَنِ بْنِ عَلِيٍّ بَعْدَ مَا قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم مَا قَالَ
"Oh Allah! l love him, so please love him and love those who love him."
Since Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said that, nothing has been more beloved to me (Abu Hurairah) than Al-Hasan.
(Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

He would jokingly blow out water at a child's face:

عَنْ مَحْمُودِ بْنِ الرَّبِيعِ، قَالَ عَقَلْتُ مِنَ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم مَجَّةً مَجَّهَا فِي وَجْهِي وَأَنَا ابْنُ خَمْسِ سِنِينَ مِنْ دَلْوٍ
Narrated Mahmud bin Rabi`a: When I was a boy of five years of age, I remember, the Prophet (ﷺ) took water from a bucket (used for getting water out of a well) with his mouth and blew it towards my face.
(Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

Learning from some effective Western methods, one of the more practical and interesting parenting strategies is integrating fun into getting them to perform mundane tasks - such as taking a bath. I remember an article suggesting that we turn it into a "race" to see who reaches the bathroom first. We have adopted this method and improvised to get him excited to go to the toilet: by bobbing up and down singing fun stuff like "Muawiyah bath tub Muawiyah bath tub" - he then follows our actions and eventually to the toilet. It's silly, fun, downright hilarious at times, but most of all: it is surprisingly effective!

We try to integrate this method into other mundane tasks and instructions, and we found it to work really well. Simple things like when we want him to getting ready to go out, i.e. to the Masjid – “Muawiyah, show abah how fast you can go!”, “Muawiyah, jom play with the kittens at masjid!”

When we brush his teeth, my wife devised a genius method to convince him by putting the phone camera on selfie mode while brushing, so he can see his teeth, and have a good laugh

At least for the formative early years of infancy, as much as we try to establish the principles and values, we try our very best to inculcate fun and joy in our child. We want him to feel that his parents are a "go to" source of happiness and positive feels.

Reflecting upon the upbringing of myself and others around me, what tends to happen quite often in this modern age, is when the children develop dependencies OUTSIDE of the home environment as references of "fun" and "joy", especially as they grow older. It's the kind of situation that subconsciously develops itself when mom and dad are so busy, only seemingly able to make time about us to become strict about our school work and the "dos and donts". As time goes by, the child starts finding references outside of the home to bring them joy, whether in the form of people or objects - friends, cartoons, games, food, activities, movies.

Simply put: Children need attention, respect, fun and love. If the parents aren't going to give it to them, they will look elsewhere. And the danger for us parents – especially as children grow older and well into their teenage years - in this undying thirst and pursuit of happiness, "right" or "wrong" can sometimes mean very little to the child who seeks self-validation.

And Allah Knows best. Allahumma barik