This is one tip I highly recommend, especially fellow parents handling multiple responsibilities at home, and/or those living with their parents: Have transparent, clarifying conversations to tell them what you consider important.
In her book "Mindset", Psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck writes about practicing a Growth Mindset in our relationships:
"Part of the low-effort belief is the idea that couples should be able to read each other's minds: We are like one. My partner should know what I think, feel, and need and I should know what y partner thinks, feels, and needs.
But this is impossible. Mind reading instead of communicating inevitably backfires"
And I think this is just so spot, especially in our oh-so-Malay culture of "faham faham lah" (and giving them the cold shoulder when they don't support us). Don’t just “assume” that “by right they should know how important it is to me” and to have that entitlement mindset that "they should support me" and just keep it bottled up.
This is especially true for “extra” activities which are not your day job. Some of them include:
- Seeking Knowledge / attending an online webinar or online course
- Exercise & Self-care
- Read a book, recite or memorize Qur'an
- Doing volunteering /charity work
- Time to relax, take an essential power nap to recharge
For me, that includes the weekly time I need to prepare for our weekly podcast at The Barakah Effect. I seek my wifey's support as I need the time to research, verify, script, rehearse (yes, we less-talented introverts need to do this), and time for the podcast itself.
That also includes times of the year when my work tasks start piling up and require some understanding why I am less "functional" at home.
Many of the tasks above can be considered as "high priority, low urgency", hence people in our household may not realize how important they are to you. They think it’s just an extra thing you do. So, tell them and be frank about it.
When you have these conversations, there will be a few possible outcomes. Either they will:
1. Understand, give you space, and even wholeheartedly SUPPORT you. In the long run, this is in fact, a win-win for both ends, especially for righteous deeds, as the Prophet ﷺ said, "The one who prepares the fighter, has indeed (received the same reward as the one who) fought (on the battlefield)!" (Al-Bukhari); or
2. Negotiate a trade-off so you also provide space and/or support to what is important to them. Tit for tat. Great! Now you understand the "permit requirements"; or
3. Refuse to support, get upset, or just begrudgingly accept. Maybe they might even start giving sarcastic remarks, or complain about how you always spend time there, not enough time at home.
Don’t despair; instead look at it from a Growth Mindset Perspective: This is good feedback! At least now you can have a conversation and more understanding of the relationship so that you can improve and have better negotiation leverage, moving forward. You know how your family members feel about it, and now they know how important these things are to you.
Be patient. Remember, raising our family is a team effort and a long-term relationship #tiljannah. Besides, "No" doesn't mean "Never". It just means "Not yet" or "No as of today", due to current circumstances.
And of course, this works both ways, so be the change you wish to see: you also support your family members for what's important to them!
Aim to play the long game: to collaborate and work together to help each other fulfill each other’s life goals, as a team! 😁
#TheBarakahEffect #CoolnessOfOurEyes #FamilyMan #Parenting #WorkFromHome
good tips, i should follow this
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