Modelling Honesty & integrity in our Children: Avoid False Reasoning!

Among the most important characteristics we need to instill in our child are traits of honesty and integrity. The Prophet ﷺ said, 

"Truth leads to righteousness (Al-Birr), and righteousness leads to Paradise. A man continues to persist speaking the truth until he is recorded with Allah as a truthful person. 

Lies leads to evil, and evil leads to the Hellfire. A man continues to lie until he is recorded with Allah as a great liar." (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

At a young age, integrity isn’t a concept which is familiar to our little ones. The only way we can teach honesty is to lead by example: Walk the talk. Model truthfulness for ourselves for our little observers to emulate.

A typical example of this that many people use is, “if someone calls the house, and then you tell your child to ‘tell him I am not at home’, then you are not modelling honesty”.

But I really dislike this example for a few reasons. Firstly, how often does that actually happen? Who still uses land line phones these days? Secondly, this advice is impractical for pre-verbal children such as infants and toddlers. Developing positive traits such as honesty must start way earlier than that!

Here is a simple day-to-day parenting tip to model honesty in our little ones: Avoid false justifications!

This is a common trap that many parents – including myself – fall into. When we want to prevent our children from something, we tend to use false reasoning to stop them. 

Some examples: When we want to deny the child from eating some junk food, chocolate or ice cream, we tell them “dah habis” / “it’s finished” when in fact it’s still there. When we want to prevent the little one from using our phones or gadgets, we say there’s “no battery”. When the child wants a toy, we tell him we “don’t have money”.

We do these in the heat of the moment, as an “easy” scapegoat answer to get them to keep quiet. 

It’s even worse when your child can easily expose your false justifications: if they can “see” the denied food in the fridge or cupboard, or if they see you playing with your gadget the minute you tell them there’s no battery. 

Think about it: How would you feel when someone in authority – your bosses, the politicians, etc – gave a lame excuse to avoid accountability, and you exposed their lies? 

So, why do the same to our children?

When our children expose our lies, we lose their trust, harm our relationship, and worse yet: model the behavior of lying as a “means” to an end. 

Here are five points I always remind myself: 

1. Be honest and upfront 

As a parent, we need to be clear on the boundaries we want to set. “What if they get angry and throw tantrums?” Well, that’s expected. They are children. Just train yourself to be patient! We are the adults, after all. We should take the high road to set an example in patience in putting up with their rebellious responses. Is it easy? Well, if we want to raise good human beings who contribute to society, it takes effort. Have faith that it is possible. The Prophet ﷺ said, “whoever TRIES to be patient, Allah will MAKE HIM patient” (Al-Bukhari) 

2. Take the time and effort to explain to them 

Treat them with respect, as human beings with the amazing capacity to learn and become a great person someday. When this is shown in your communication, they will eventually learn to appreciate this (even if it hurts in the moment). I get very angry when parents scoff away this idea of talking to toddlers or young children, thinking that “they are just kids, they don’t understand anyway”. It has an inherent element of arrogance, for looking down on others. 

The Prophet ﷺ said: “He will NOT ENTER PARADISE – those whose hearts have (even) an atom’s weight of arrogance/pride: to reject the truth, and to look down and scorn upon other people” (Muslim)

3. Avoid false justifications even if you don’t get exposed 

It’s not about covering your tracks. It’s about the IDENTITY that you want to model for your little ones. As they say, integrity is about “doing the right thing when no one is watching”. Raising honest children requires us to walk the talk!

4. Think Long term 

Remember, the child isn’t a child forever. As the child grows up, develops his faculties of speech and human reasoning, his observations might lead him to gradually learn, subconsciously, that the parents are liars – especially if the child has younger siblings which you continue to deploy this tactic in their eyes. 

5. The Habit of Lying 

As a human being, you do not want to get into the habit of lying, especially to your own children, whom, by right, as a believer in Allah and the Last Day, are the people that should be the people you are best towards them, as per the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ. Don’t think that you can just one day realize that when your children are older, you can just flick the switch and abandon the habit completely. Your child requires nurturing, but so do you.

May Allah make us amongst those who walk the talk in becoming walking examples of honesty and integrity, and inculcate positive akhlaq in our children