Perhaps due to our upbringing or nurturing from our external environment, many of us tend to keep to ourselves, sometimes even subconsciously blocking out other people, including our closest family members, from consoling us. We prefer hiding our internal suffering, and instead telling them we are “fine” and “okay”, unaware that this constantly erodes our mental and emotional health.
The Root cause we keep to ourselves is out of fear. Perhaps, we fear one or several of the following:
1. Betrayal: Being abused or taken advantage of - maybe we have been traumatized by past experiences of expressing ourselves to others, that we are a "loser", a "cry baby", or being laughed at. Maybe we have been betrayed by our loved ones or those we trust, and "learnt our lesson" – thus it is safer to keep it locked up inside.
2. Being perceived as weak - maybe we were nurtured or raised in an environment that tells us to "stop whining and shut up", or that we were being "ungrateful", or got scolded because the listening party claims that he "is going through worse!". Or perhaps we have defined ourselves by being perceived as "independent" or being a "Strong person" - and we fear our superficial image being shattered if we begin revealing what's really under the hood. We worry that if we open up to our children, we are no longer that “strong mum” or “cool dad”, or that no longer a “superman” to our wife.
“Because we want to be accepted, we mind our manners, try not to offend and conceal our flaws and weaknesses. Men usually try to convey an impression of competence while keeping a lid on how needy or possessive they can be. They might try to portray themselves as sensitive, but few will actually show their vulnerability; to do so would be to admit they can be hurt, and in their eyes that is equivalent to being weak. “
(Dr. Mark Goulston, "Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior")
3. Being a burden to others - instead of perceiving our expression as a means of reaching out and getting help, we look at it pessimistically thinking we are dragging other people down with our "sorry stories" and causing unnecessary pain to their lives.
4. Isolation - we fear that we are a "freak". It's much easier to dismiss it and claim that our issues are “private" and close the door (when in fact many others are going through the same, too!)
5. Hypocrisy & lack of remorse – maybe because we have been harsh to others for expressing their feelings in the past, or that we have been particularly insensitive about others’ suffering or mental illnesses. We made fun of them, and now that we might be going through what they are going through, we prefer to continue putting up the act as a defensive mechanism, so we don’t have to taste our own bitter medicine of embodying that very thing we made fun of.
6. Dishonor: Facing a "rude awakening" of uncomfortable truths - perhaps we fear that by accepting other people's gestures of kindness, we have to ‘face the fact’ that are now seen as a feeble old man, weak or incapable.
It is because of these fears that our relationships – even within our closest family members such as our parents, spouses or siblings – tend to be very superficial and emotionally unfulfilling, despite spending more time with them indoors throughout COVID lockdowns. Especially with the modern advent of gadgets to distract us or make us look like we are busy or occupied.
The truth is, much of these fears are exaggerated and a result of overthinking from our anxiety. Practically speaking, we may have to be selective WHO we begin with, as opening up to emotionally immature individuals can easily backfire. But trust me: Once we start emotionally connecting with others who reciprocate this gesture, its amazing!
Psst, here's a secret: allowing others to make us feel better, helps them as much as it helps us too.
But look, let’s get real here: Opening up isn’t going to be easy.
Taking the first baby step is going to be extremely uncomfortable, and a huge wall of fear to climb, especially for us MEN who always put on the tough guy act. It is going to take immense courage.
But as Nelson Mandela said, “I learned that courage isn’t the ABSENCE of fear – but rather, the TRIUMPH over it.”
Share this message if it could help a loved one, and help you be the person that he/she needs
“Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think. When we’re fueled by the fear of what other people think or that gremlin that’s constantly whispering “You’re not good enough” in our ear, it’s tough to show up.
We end up hustling for our worthiness rather than standing in it.”
(Brene Brown, author of “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead”)
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