Last year, I subscribed to a course on building mental/emotional resilience. In one of the exercises, we performed a classroom exercise called the “7-7 technique”, where we were paired up with a partner (someone we have never knew before) for 7 minutes each, to share our biggest frustrations, pains, and stresses.
Here's an interesting point - The facilitator highlighted, that key ingredient to making sure this exercise is successful is: "Don't become friends"
Wait, what?
The facilitator explained, "if we are 'friends', then we won't allow the other person to truly speak their hearts out. Every time they share something with us, we would tend to respond all the time, giving feedback after feedback, dishing out your own unsolicited "advice" and unwanted "opinions"."
It makes perfect sense. The point of the exercise was to train us to develop the skill of non-judgmental listening.
The biggest weakness we have that prevent us from becoming good listeners with our friends and family members is that we often like to interrupt then and provide our input with our rapid-fire shotgun responses. Either because:
1. We are inclined to immediately provide our input in the interest to 'protect' or 'console' our friends or loved ones;
2. We subconsciously judge them because of what we THINK we know about their personality, circumstances, and behavior, hence we tend to dismiss their feelings or provide immature judgment;
3. We interject with some jokes or elements of humor to elevate the situation (not knowing that it might have actually made it worse by making it seem like you are belittling or trivializing the matter);
4. We take things very personally and get overly defensive very quickly when they express themselves; or
5. We lack restraint and can't hold it in. Just like every good old-fashioned conversation about politics, we just have to share our opinions, personal experiences and "two cents".
Our shotgun feedbacks not only rob us of being effective listeners, but subconsciously prevent the speaker from expressing the full extent of their emotions and in fact risk creating an unsafe environment to share their thoughts - hence risk them bottling up their negativity and further eroding their emotional and mental health, while losing their trust in us as confidants.
What we learnt from this class exercise was that just sharing our feelings had a cathartic effect of immediate relief!
And this was the big takeaway I got from the session: In these times of anxiety and distress, we can all play our part in by reaching out, developing and practicing this skill of non-judgmental listening amongst our family, friends, and colleagues.
We might think that we lack in qualifications as a certified counsellor, but the truth is, simply being a “safe place” for others to vent out their frustrations, that by itself can be a huge feeling of relief.
In his book "Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior", Board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Mark Goulston writes:
“Talking it out EASES the sense of isolation; you feel more a part of the world instead of apart from it. In addition, expressing yourself is a way of purging emotions. A horrible event leaves a toxic residue, and the act of describing it to another person serves as a syringe to draw out the accumulated poison. If you don’t get rid of that poison, you will have to use defense mechanisms such as denial and repression to disconnect from the horror. The poison will accumulate until it pollutes your body, mind and soul, with potentially disastrous consequences.” (End Quote)
Here's the catch, though: Non-judgmental listening isn’t as easy as it sounds. This requires a lot of patience: especially if we start putting on our judgmental caps before our caps of empathy and compassion. Sometimes, what you are about to hear will make you upset, easy, or frustrated.
Be patient as well if you receive poor responsiveness. It may take some time before they really reveal what it inside. It can be daunting and very difficult to open up for those who are not used to speaking our hearts and minds, especially in an environment where we are just called off and told to “suck it up”, “just be grateful”, or “you think you had it tough?! I’m going through far worse!”
As human beings, sometimes we need to earn that emotional and psychological trust first – even if they are own closest family members. Besides, at times, even professional psychotherapists sometimes require multiple visits before their patient finally opens up.
Like all skills, non-judgmental listening requires repeated practice for you to develop and get better at it. The Prophet ﷺ said, “whoever tries to be patient, Allah will MAKE him patient” (Al-Bukhari)
Let’s all develop our listening skills and play our part to uplift those around us!
No comments:
Post a Comment