“How are you?” – The unseen, important impact of “small talk”

During 1-on-1 discussions of feedback exchange with the team for year-end performance review, one of the most surprising appreciative feedback I received from my team members is that he likes that I “start off conversations by taking time to ask ‘how are you?’ in meetings”

It was pleasantly surprising feedback, coming from one of the seniors in the team.

Curious, I asked him, “oh… that’s unexpected. Why is that even a thing, eh?”

He described that it helps mellow people down in very tense moments. Prior to technical meetings or potentially heated discussions, asking ‘how are you’ and initiating a casual conversation (especially in smaller, less intimidating meetings), helps flush out some of the tension, allowing meeting attendees to think clearly, which in turn paves the way for a “very effective” discussion ahead. Because he considered it so effective, he also began implementing it with his team members for their internal discussions. 

This was, in fact, a habit which I copied from my ex-boss, who implemented this very consistently in every meeting with his team members. 

Before the meat of the discussion takes place – before the boxing gloves come on – we connect as human beings. We establish a connection that subconsciously communicates and builds upon our trust and respect we have for one another, making it clear that any disagreements we may have throughout this discussion: is strictly professional and nothing personal. The key, of course, is to be thoughtfully present, and show genuine interest as a person.

It’s a small gesture, which, if implemented repeatedly as a habit over time, really builds genuine connection. As time passed by working with my ex-boss witnessing him implemented it, I observed that he began recalling and following up on specific things about my personal life which I shared in previous meetings. Things such as “has your dad completed his PhD?”, or “how is your studies going?”

There’s something profound about these little questions when someone has that touch of empathy to remember these little things. To have that feeling that he recognizes me as a person. Someone actually cares. My boss cares. That’s nice.  

It was a feeling that I hope to try to emulate, to the capacity I am able to. Sometimes, I do question myself, “should I ask this ‘how are you’ thing? Is it really necessary? It feels so awkward and sometimes feel like a distraction”. But I kept at it anyway. And this year-end feedback reminds me that yes, it was worth it. An unexpected appreciation of the things I didn’t realize had much impact at all.

And really, it’s not that difficult to do, at all. At most, this takes up 3-4 minutes of small talk. In a 1-hour meeting, that’s about 8% of the meeting time. Sounds like a waste of time? Here’s the way I see it: this is eight percent, which can make the remaining 92% more effective. If anything, that’s barakah (blessings): Small acts of kindness, done consistently. 

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

لاَ تَحْقِرَنَّ مِنَ الْمَعْرُوفِ شَيْئًا وَلَوْ أَنْ تَلْقَى أَخَاكَ بِوَجْهٍ طَلْقٍ

“Do not belittle, or consider any of your good deeds as insignificant, even if it is that you meet your brother with a cheerful face.” (Muslim)

وَأَنَّ أَحَبَّ الأَعْمَالِ أَدْوَمُهَا إِلَى اللَّهِ، وَإِنْ قَلَّ 

"The most beloved deeds to Allah are the ones done consistently, even if they are small" (Al-Bukhari)