Earlier this week I attended a meeting which I faced some pretty intense criticism.
It was tough, but it was a valuable learning experience that really got me to realize:
One of the most important life skills and aspects of professionalism we have to train ourselves is to develop the patience and resilience to handle professional criticism, tough judgment from the mob of netizens, and good 'Ol fashioned "bashing by the chairman"
The professional and business environment can be harsh, and even more so in social media. Therefore, if we don't learn the right mindsets and attitudes to confront these uncomfortable situations, it can be paralyzing when we take criticism too personally and dwell on it.
But how can we develop it? Especially us sensitive Malaysians?
Based on my learning and experience, here is sharing some personal guidelines, 9 tips and mindsets I try training myself on how to handle harsh criticisms and develop professional resilience:
1. Keep calm and "Procrastinate" your emotional response - If you feel emotionally compromised, due to anger, shame or hopelessness in the moment that can derail your rational mind from being objective, then just refrain yourself from saying anything. Don't allow your emotional self to act or blurt out things that you will regret, feel embarrassed or obliged to apologize later on. Just pretend to be patient and hold yourself together long enough, until you find the private space, to proceed to #2.
The Prophet said, "Whoever tries to be patient, Allah will make him patient" (Al-Bukhari)
"Do not say anything for which you will have to apologize for " (ibn Majah)
2. Embrace and process those hard emotions (it helps to have compassionate and supportive company by your side), take your time, but don't dwell on it too long. Then close that book, and move on for good.
Whatever undesirable outcome that happened, consider it as a closed chapter in your book that we learn and take lessons from, so don't carry grudges or emotional baggage. That situation was to educate us, so use it to be wiser, not bitter.
3. Nothing personal: Separate "me" from "my work" - This is important. Always Reframe the criticism to think of it as a critique against your work, and not you as a person. The criticism does not degrade the value your personal self worth. Neither is it a personal declaration of war or hostility against you.
This was, in fact, a reminder that even Allah consoled His Prophet, Muhammad ﷺ as he endured being mocked by his own tribesfolk throughout his lifetime:
قَدْ نَعْلَمُ إِنَّهُ لَيَحْزُنُكَ الَّذِي يَقُولُونَ فَإِنَّهُمْ لَا يُكَذِّبُونَكَ وَلَٰكِنَّ الظَّالِمِينَ بِآيَاتِ اللَّهِ يَجْحَدُونَ
We know indeed the grief which their words cause you (O Muhammad ﷺ ):
it is not YOU that they deny, rather, it is the Verses (the Quran) of Allah that the oppressors deny.
(Surah Al-An'aam 6:33)
After all, it's just judgment against your work, nothing more. Even the best world-class artists, performers, leaders, and scholars, even they were not spared from criticism, either.
4. Growth mindset - As you keep improving yourself, always consider yourself to be a "work in progress". Any criticism laid against you is only your current "phase". 5 years down the road, you're probably going to look back and consider this moment as a time when "I was young and less experienced" or "in my younger, foolish days"
5. If others showed you disrespect, arrogance, or hurled personal attacks against you, it's their loss, not yours. Don't retaliate or retort.
Don't give bullies the satisfaction of getting to your head or getting you upset.
As long as you don't fight back or react emotionally, the honor is yours (and people will see it, too)
Imam Ash-Shafi’ee once said, “Say what you wish in abuse of me, for my silence towards an ignorant foolish person, is indeed an answer. I am not at a loss for a response but rather, it does not befit the lion to answer dogs.”
خُذِ الْعَفْوَ وَأْمُرْ بِالْعُرْفِ وَأَعْرِضْ عَنِ الْجَاهِلِينَ
"Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the foolish" (Surah Al-A'raf, 7: 199)
وَعِبَادُ الرَّحْمَٰنِ الَّذِينَ يَمْشُونَ عَلَى الْأَرْضِ هَوْنًا وَإِذَا خَاطَبَهُمُ الْجَاهِلُونَ قَالُوا سَلَامًا
"And the slaves of Ar-Rahman (The Most Merciful) are those who walk on the earth in humility and sedateness, and when the foolish address them (with bad words) they reply back with mild words of gentleness." (Surah Al-Furqan 25:63)
Keeping the end (akhirah) in mind, any form of disrespect also means them donating their righteous deeds to you on Day of Judgment!
6. Hold the Fort, and keep the big picture in mind - when you receive harsh criticism, or ridiculous demands (e.g." I want this yesterday"), sometimes the convenient thing to do is to give in and just say "yes".
But remember, it's not about you. If you have a clear intention, stand your ground and don't just cave in under pressure.
The submissive "yes" might resolve the discomfort in the moment, but could result in a lot of problems down the road and compromise the bigger picture: your team, your project, or your goals.
And when things go sour later because we didn't put our foot down, ego starts to creep in: we will be tempted to play victim, blame others, throw others under the bus, or give some lame excuses
If you are unable to make the call, then clearly state it, and own up to the consequences.
7. Focus on SELF improvement - Drive yourself with the desire to be better, not to beat others. Bury the desire to "prove them wrong" - it has the dangerous risk of turning things personal and escalate into an unhealthy cycle of revenge.
The Prophet ﷺ said, "glad tidings to the person who busies himself in rectifying his own faults, instead of busying himself hunting the faults of others!" (al-Hakim)
8. Use humor - Here's what I recently try to adopt: Don't take yourself too seriously! Whenever you can remain composed and confident, strategically use humor wherever you can. But be mindful to use it in a sincere & humble self-deprecating kind of way, not the sarcastic, cynical "what-a-stupid-opinion" way.
From time to time, I try to slip in the casual "I know, right?", "oof, you got me there" or raise my hands and say "guilty as charged, your honor"
Not only does this defuse the situation and elevates the atmosphere, but subconsciously communicates a confidence that you are unphased, receptive and welcoming for others to speak up and share their thoughts.
This isn't easy, of course. I could never do this in my younger days. It requires training to get rid of ego, learn self-awareness and gaining empathy of our surroundings, and of course, trial and error. In fact, if you aren't totally calm and composed, or unsure of how they will react, best not to risk it, or else you may have it backfire completely if you sound pretentious or condescending.
9. Be nice - Wherever you can, show kindness and generosity to your critic. When the professional setting is finished and the boxing gloves are off, you can immediately have a coffee together and hit it off as friends. Demonstrate, by your actions, that you acknowledge that the criticism is nothing personal, and they got nothing to feel bad about. It's just work. And I'm a big boy.
So that's it! Ultimately, when we combine these elements, the end product and tip of the iceberg is to develop mental toughness, of which the Prophet ﷺ described:
"True strength isn't to overcome others through wrestling them with your physical strength. Rather, the truly strong person is the one who controls himself when he is in a state of anger" (Al-Bukhari)
Any others? Share your thoughts!
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