“No! I want to keep it!”
“But it's too small now. We don't need it anymore”, Ibu explains, referring to his favorite yellow lego shirt that he wore since he was 1-year old."
“No! I still want it!”
“.. But you’re a big boy now”
“.. Nooo!”
Clearly, this back-and-forth power struggle between 4-year old Muawiyah and his mom had reached a stalemate, as an unstoppable force meets with an immovable object.
At this point, it’s just so tempting to take the easy way out by flexing our authority muscles - “You listen to me. I'm your father”. Or back down and give in. Fight or flight.
I jump into the conversation. Here we go.
“Muawiyah, you like that Lego baju do you?”
“Yeap”
“Oh Yeah, I like it too! Why don't you try to wear it? Abah wants to see”
(Keeps quiet)
“Jom la. Open your baju, and wear the Lego one. I like to see you wear it. It's nice!”
(Keeps quiet. Starts smiling)
Abah: “Eh, why don't you want to wear it? Is it too small?”
Muawiyah: “Yup”
“Oh, you can fit it anymore, ke?”
“No”
“Oh okay, so do you still want to keep it or should we give it away?”
“Give lah!”
I'll never forget Wifey’s look of disbelief as she says: “How did you DO that?!” 😮
Human beings have a need to be listened to and respected. When we appeal to that need, we are in a better position to have a rational conversation and negotiate. And it’s not enough to just say “I hear you”. You have to show it through your actions: with respect and empathy. (Especially with toddlers!).
Sure, as parents, we might know what is “best” for them. But what we want to do is to let them take ownership of the choices that are best for them, and for them to take responsibility for their choices and their consequences, not just shove our instructions down their throats. We foster collaboration and trust. And if done correctly, we can achieve this through Active Listening.
In his book, “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended On It”, author Chris Voss writes:
“It all starts with the universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted. Psychotherapy research shows that when individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings. In addition, they tend to become less defensive and oppositional and more willing to listen to other points of view, which gets them to the calm and logical place where they can be good “Getting to Yes” problem solvers”.
We empathize with their emotions (i like that baju too) and show appreciation for them (I like to see you wear it).
Once they feel heard and respected then we show them another layer of respect: appeal to their intellect, without “suggesting” or steering their choices by going into problem solving mode: Should we still keep it if we can’t use it? If yes, “why? What do you want to do with it? Okay, but it’s going to take up space in your wardrobe. The we can’t buy anymore cool new Lego t-shirts”
Eventually he made the choice.
Honestly, I was just as surprised as his ibu was! I didn’t expect he would be convinced so quickly. It’s amazing how much difference you can make and achieve Win-Win when you practice Active Listening.
The same principle applies when dealing with people, including our colleagues at the workplace. The need to be heard isn't just for children; it applies for all human beings.
May Allah grant us sabr (patience) and rahmah (compassion) in practicing this throughout our parenting and leadership journey.
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