What is the common source of Conflict in Conversations? The role of our “stories”

Whenever people say and/or do anything in conversations, there is a little gap between what we perceive (see/hear), and how we respond.

That gap, is the “story” we tell ourselves: The lens and filters we apply to interpret the events happening around us, forming our perception. It fuels the emotions we feel from that exchange (anger, happiness, sadness, disappointment, inspiration), which in turn triggers our responses - ranging from silence, to verbal violence and everything in between.

This, my friends, is the tipping point of where all the drama takes place.

The story we tell ourselves is what makes us speculate intentions, biases, and forecasted outcomes. Sometimes, those stories work in healthy ways - when we perceive that someone cares for us, is a trustworthy person, one who acts for the greater good of the team.

But sometimes, they are responsible in creating some nasty feelings. Our stories are responsible in driving us conclude that “that guy has got a personal agenda”, “she doesn't care anyway”, “the boss is questioning my capability / doesn't trust me”, or ones that culminate after years of cumulative, bottled up resentment yang terpendam, e.g. “he never respects or listens to me anyway”. Stories are also responsible for surfacing any negative stereotypes or cultural biases we have - e.g. oh yeah, people of this race, that gender, or that “group” are always like that, including any negative labels we put on others - whether that person is a deviant, jerk, rebellious teen, troublemaker, toxic coworker, and so on.

Stories are formed so instinctively and quickly in our subconscious, that we might not even realize them. Much of them stem from our subconscious, and we “compose” them in a blink of an eye, and just as quickly, feel an emotion.

But here's the good news. Because our emotions are triggered from story, all we have to do is to take control of our stories. To filter out “fact” from “story”, and fine-tune our stories that enables us to steer our emotions - and subsequently our resulting actions. We can reinterpret our stories into positive actions that are productive, optimistic and even inspired by others.

Also, we can make more proactive conscious actions to prevent negative thoughts from entering people's minds.

This was one of my favorite practical lessons from Crucial Conversations, which clarifies so much about perceptions and how they impact our etiquettes.

With this in mind, here are five Islamic guidelines which help us take control of our stories to improve our Akhlaq (conduct) with others, especially in conversations:

1. Be mindful of Dzann (ظَنّ) i.e. Suspicions and speculation - especially bad ones which create evil thoughts. Separate “fact” from “story”, so you can form better thoughts
   
وَإِنَّ الظَّنَّ لَا يُغْنِي مِنَ الْحَقِّ شَيْئًا  
“Speculations can never take place  over the truth” (Surah An-Najm 28)
   
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اجْتَنِبُوا كَثِيرًا مِّنَ الظَّنِّ إِنَّ بَعْضَ الظَّنِّ إِثْمٌ
”O you who believe! Avoid much suspicions, indeed some suspicions are sins.” (Al-Hujarat,12)
   
Instead of instinctively responding, pause and give others the positive benefit of doubt. As the righteous predecessors used to say, “whenever you see something you don't like in your brother, try to come up with seventy excuses for him”
   
2. Don't speculate others’ intentions - only Allah knows what is in people's hearts!
   
When Usamah bin Zayd was on the battlefield, he chased down an enemy, pinned him down and on the very last second, the enemy said لَا إله إلا الله And embraced islam (thereby making it haram for him to be killed). But Usamah considered this merely a last ditch effort to save his life, so he killed him anyway. When he consulted the Prophet ﷺ and claimed that “he was not saying something that was truly in his heart”, the prophet rebuked him, emphasising that he has not been sent to “slice open people's hearts”. The Prophet repeatedly censured Usamah, making him feeling so guilty that Usamah wished “I had embraced Islam that day”! (Ref: Muslim)
   
3. Mind your words and our body language, put in the effort to say and do what is best. Shaytan has a knack for adding toxic thoughts into our stories and sow seeds of enmity and hatred with others.
   
   
وَقُل لِّعِبَادِي يَقُولُوا الَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ إِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ يَنزَغُ بَيْنَهُمْ إِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ كَانَ لِلْإِنسَانِ عَدُوًّا مُّبِينًا
And say to My slaves (i.e. the true believers of Islamic Monotheism) that they should (only) say those words that are the best. (Because) Shaitan (Satan) verily, sows disagreements among them. Surely, Shaitan (Satan) is to man a plain enemy. (Al-Isra, 53)
   
4. Be mindful of how our actions will be interpreted by others.
   
When the Prophet ﷺ was distributing the spoils of war, there was a person who insolently questioned the judgement of the Prophet and indirectly accused him ﷺ of being unjust - an act of open disobedience against the Messenger of Allah ﷺ.

During one incident, the hypocrite Abdullah bin Ubay had instigated a fight between the Muhajirin and the Ansar.
When a companion offered to “chop his head off”, the Prophet ﷺ, in his wisdom, knowing that Abdullah was outwardly perceived as a Muslim, he ﷺ said “no, do not do that. Or else, others will perceive that ‘Muhammad kills his companions’” (Ref: Muslim) 
   
5. Put a conscious effort to clarify any room from potential evil thoughts. Just because you have good intentions, doesn't mean everyone's stories will perceive it that way. Wait, why should I clarify, if THEY are the ones with the bad stories? Well, the focus is to work on what is in our control: ourselves.

Even the Prophet ﷺ himself - the best person in mankind - made efforts to clarify, and ward off evil thoughts. One time, he was walking at night with his wife Safiyyah. He saw a group of companions in a distance, who, when they saw the Prophet, they quickened their pace. The Prophet said to them, “Hold right there! This is my wife, Safiyyah!” Surprised, the companions responded, “Ya Rasulullah!” (implying that they would never think evil of him to be waking at night with a non-Mahram woman). To which the Prophet ﷺ responded, “Verily, Shaitan runs in the son of Adam (to feed evil thoughts), just as blood runs in his veins” (Al-Bukhari)
   
Master your stories, improve your relationships, take control of your conversations.

#crucialconversations