Today was Muawiyah’s first attempts at riding a bicycle without his training wheels. When the day first started, he kept on expressing his frustration about his lack of ability:
“Kenapa Muawiyah can’t cycle by myself like other big boys?”
And Abah kept convincing him, “yeah, you can insha Allah. Keep trying, you got this!”
I assisted him to get the bike moving before he paddled himself. And after a few quick attempts - which took no longer than a few minutes - he firmly said, “Abah, you don’t need to hold the bicycle. I will do it myself, ok?”
“Alright, Little Man!”
I had my doubts, but I gotta admit: I admire the confidence. Let’s see what you got.
To my pleasant surprise, he immediately hit it off like a champ. When we took him to the park later in the evening, he was speeding like a boss, as shown here - masha Allah, Allahumma barik.
I’ve observed that within this one year, throughout his time as a 4-year old, many major development milestones as he learnt to do more and more physical tasks independently by himself: Wearing his seatbelt in his car seat, archery, going to the toilet, completing a whole lego set, getting dressed, washing his hands before meals, brushing his teeth, and today: riding a bike.
And in all of these tasks, I’ve noticed a common pattern of steps in how we can support them in overcoming difficult challenges.
Here are the four general steps I’ve found that are applicable in pretty much all circumstances:
1. Help them get rid of self-doubt & Convince them to believe in themselves
2. Gradually wean off assistance until they can learn to be independent
3. Be patient with them as they fail & make mistakes
4. Celebrate the wins together
Generally speaking, I’d say these 4 steps are applicable in all spheres of leadership: including the workplace.
#1 HELP THEM GET RID OF SELF-DOUBT & CONVINCE THEM TO BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES
In the initial failed attempts, our minds are very susceptible and vulnerable from negative self-talk that convince us that we aren’t enough: that we’re not talented
Why do we do this? Ironically, it’s actually our brains trying to protect us: from shame. By convincing ourselves that we are not a certain character, we find a justifiable excuse not to even give it a try, so we don’t have to confront the painful frustration of unsuccessful attempts.
As mentors, parents, and leaders, we need to play our part to convince them - through our words and our actions - that they DO have what it takes. Provide them the emotional support and encouragement that they need.
#2: GRADUALLY WEAN OFF ASSISTANCE UNTIL THEY CAN LEARN TO BE INDEPENDENT
In the beginning phases, some hands on supervision - perhaps even spoonfeeding - might be necessary. But as they learn to get the hang of it, we learn to let go bit by bit - even if they might not like it or be comfortable with it. In fact, the more we gradually push them outside of their comfort zone, the more they grow and find their footing.
#3: BE PATIENT WITH THEM AS THEY FAIL & MAKE MISTAKES
This one is important. Complementing Step #1, we need to try to be their emotional pillar of support as they grow. Part of building that connection is by exercising patience as they make mistakes. Their brains are being re-wired here, so try to refrain ourselves from showing our frustration, anger or annoyance when they just “don’t get it”. Try our level best to maintain our cool, our composure, and to keep an encouraging tone of voice.
Remember: It’s hard enough on them as they doubt themselves; the last thing they need is for them to feel that they are letting you down!
If we’ve built a good connection with them, then chances are, they also have a subconscious desire to please us and keep us happy, as the parent or teacher. Showing frustration might give the wrong message that they are making us upset - and they might feel like giving up altogether, in an attempt to preserve that relationship because they hate seeing us in that negative emotional state.
#4: CELEBRATE THE WINS, TOGETHER
This one’s my favorite. When they finally get it, make sure you finish on a high: cap off that achievement with a satisfying emotional payoff with your little one. A high five, a fist bump, or my personal go-to war cry: An enthusiastic “Woohoo! That was awesome, little man!”
There are a few reasons behind this crucial finisher:
Firstly Practical. Celebrating wins is a brainhack towards Sustainable Habit building - “When you celebrate (habits), you create a positive feeling inside yourself on demand. This good feeling wires the new habit into your brain. By feeling good at the right moment, you can cause your brain to recognize and enode the sequence of behaviors you just performed.” (BJ Fogg, “Tiny Habits”)
Our brain is naturally wired to love good emotions. When we deliberately put in celebratory gestures or words that boost positive feels, it gives that extra motivational boost. And by doing so, it sets yourself up for future success, as it subconsciously teaches your brain that “the next time you’re about to attempt something difficult, remember, there’s an awesome waiting for you on the other side, once you get past that learning curve”
Secondly, emotional. By celebrating wins, we build memories, together - celebrating little wins is powerful enough by itself. But imagine the potential power if the PARENT is the one celebrating with them as they develop. We develop that bond, together. That “Abah was super happy” when he nailed that difficult challenge. “Ibu gave me an enthusiastic high five when I finished that Lego all by myself for the first time. As these memories stack up, we continue play a crucial role in their upbringing, as our presence always signifies great milestones.
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