Malaysians typically have a culture with Very High “power distance” – studies have shown we have one of the highest Power Distance Indexes (PDIs) in the world, indicating we collectively are a society that readily conforms to hierarchy and "accept and expect that power is distributed unequally", and hence have strong tendencies of autocratic and hierarchical methods of leadership.
This is very evident from the fact that we give a lot of weight to ranks and positions in society : Dato, Tan Sri, Tun, Tuan Haji, YB, YAB, DYMM, Dr., Prof, Sir, etc. : remnants from our old civilization.
As a result, those with ‘lower’ ranks have tendency to feel inferior, and vice versa – to the extent some people get offended when you do not address them accordingly.
Sometimes we deal with unnecessary stress having a hard time figuring out how or what to address people – event MC’s, I feel your pain.
A very practical solution to resolve this, taught to us over 1400 years ago : is simply to call people by their “kunya”.
In the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, the only ‘title’ that is confirmed is the usage of “kunya” : in which people give themselves or others a name with Abu (father of) so-and-so; or Umm (mother of) so-and-so. This is also used by some cultures across the world.
Calling others by Abu, “Father of” or "Mother of" so-and-so to someone – instead of their first name – is indirectly a gesture of respect and honor, indirectly signaling seniority/custodianship/authority/leadership over others, without going overboard in giving undue credit. It is a ‘title’ that we can assign to people of all ages, with no discrimination on race, wealth, or rank in society.
If we don’t know a person’s official kunya, just assign them by the name of their son/daughter. Khalas. Easy : don’t have to think – eh, is he Dato, do I spell is it Dato’ or Datuk, has he done hajj, has he completed his PhD, is he royalty, etc.
If the person doesn’t have children, ask them what is their kunya. If they don’t have one, assign one (with their permission if you want to be extra polite) – this is a confirmed sunnah.
Typically people assign kunya by the names of the firstborn child, just as Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was called Abu Al-Qasim (Father of Al-Qasim) or as Ali ibn Abi Talib was called Abul-Hassan (Father of Hassan), but this isn’t necessarily the case.
Sometimes it is assigned by others as a ‘nickname’ to indicate how attached a person is towards something – such as Abu Bakr (whose name was actually Abdullah ibn Abi Quhafah), but was given the name Abu Bakr (owner of the active young camel) because he used to love camels and play with them. Similarly with another very famous companion – one of the main narrators of hadith – whose name is Abdur Rahman ibn Sakhr : he used to love playing cats, and it was narrated he used to hide kittens in the sleeve of his clothes. So he was given the name “Abu Hurairah” (father of the female kitten) : which he is known by until this very day.
In fact in the sunnah of the Prophet, he would even assign little chilren with a kunya as a sign of respect and motivation. Anas ibn Malik narrated about his younger brother who was newly weaned (~2 years old): who used to play with his sparrow. But one day, the sparrow died – so the Prophet would go to him and say the famous words,
“يَا أَبَا عُمَيْرٍ مَا فَعَلَ النُّغَيْرُ”
“O Abu Umair (father of Umair), what has happened to the little sparrow?” (Narrated by Al-Bukhari and Muslim)
The Prophet didn’t call him ‘little boy’, or even ‘young man’. So imagine the feeling of a young boy who is called “Father of Umair” by your Shaikh and Leader of your country.
Or if anything, you can choose any name you want. The Great scholar Nu’man ibn Thabit was called “Abu Hanifah” – not because he had a child by the name of Hanifah or was he attributed with anything to do with the literal meaning of Hanifah : he simply liked the name.
Let’s start implementing this sunnah and break the Power Distance.
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