Parenting Goals in Raising Wholesome Future Leaders: 16 Essential Life Skills, Character Traits, and Mindsets to Cultivate

 

As our son Muawiyah turns 7, I reflect on our parenting journey: What kind of human beings are we raising? What role will they play in society when they're independent? What kind of parents or partners will they become? And most importantly, how are we actively shaping this?

I'm reminded of Prophet Yusuf's story. Separated from his family between ages 6 and 9, he faced decades of challenges alone – from being thrown into a well to becoming ruler of Egypt. His formative years with Prophet Ya'qub instilled the values and principles that prepared him for life's arduous journey. 

Our role as parents is similar: how well have we prepared our children for LIFE?

Raising children isn't just about grades or achievements; it's about building character – traits they'll carry through their studies, careers, and family lives. As parents, we are enablers, guides, facilitators, and, most importantly, role models in nurturing their character.

Here are 16 crucial character traits to cultivate in our children, empowering them to become wholesome individuals who lead and contribute to uplifting society.

1. Resourcefulness and independence 

2. Having High aspirations, and believe in their ability to achieve them. 

3. Grit and resilience 

4. Growth mindset 

5. Patience for Delayed Gratification 

6. Team player: Tolerance in putting up with others & to collaborate with others. 

7. A strong sense of self-Identity & moral values

8. Speaking up

9. Honesty and authenticity

10. Responsibility & taking accountability 

11. Discipline & willpower

12. Self confidence, self-esteem and self-compassion

13. Compassion & Generosity 

14. Emotional Intelligence (EQ) 

15. ⁠Gratitude

16. Righteousness & sincerity 

 رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنࣲ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

"Our Lord, grant our wives and children to be the comfort to our eyes, 

and make us leaders of the righteous."

Request Nicely, Don't Snatch

(old draft writeup in 2020 - reposted in 2024)

“Muawiyah, can you give Abah those Car Keys?”
“Thank you, Little Man!”

Extending the topic of “respect”, this is a little parenting tip which I’ve never heard or read anywhere else, so I thought I’d put it out there. When your little one starts grabbing or picking up things they are not supposed to (e.g. mobile phone, glass, spoonful of food, or in this case, car keys), don’t panic, don’t snatch, don’t scold, just keep composed ask them nicely to return it to us.

As parents we tend resort to the knee-jerk reaction of grabbing/snatching back the item from the baby, out of fear of danger or damage. But after giving it a lot of thought, I felt that if we do this repeatedly all the time, it starts subconsciously planting the idea that the child is prevented from feeding his/her curiosity and learning, perhaps even inadvertently grow up with the thoughts that their parents do not trust them to handle things with care, therefore damaging their self-esteem and sense of worth in the long run.

Rather, what we trained ourselves to do instead is to ask him back for it nicely. A typical script would be “Muawiyah, can you give that to Abah, please?” 

And once he gives it, we say a generous and cheerful “Thank you – you’re such a good boy!”.

Interestingly, in hindsight now that he is 2, we found that throughout his infant age we applied this practice, 95% of the time he gives it away without protest or second thoughts. The other 5% usually applies to things he has a serious curiosity or playful attachment to (which, most of the time, are harmless items such as his own toys).

This approach was a particularly “Eureka!” discovery for us, because aside from the momentary public interactions we have with other fellow parents, we have never really this method put into practice to infants this age. When Muawiyah could start physically gripping things about the age of 4 months old and when I first thought of this idea back then, I had no idea how effective it would be and how far it would work, given the baby’s underdeveloped communication skills at this age. I wondered, even if it did work, would it be a fluke? So we tried to practice this on a consistent basis.

Now, this takes a lot of repeated training and patience – sometimes it’s easier to snatch it away and remove the hazard altogether, immediately and just save ourselves the potential heart attack. And indeed, in the beginning it was met with mixed results, prompting us to think that perhaps it “might not work”. But here is where I need to remind myself: don't chicken out. Let’s double down on this and be patient. Parenting is about the “Long Game” here. Not quick wins and easy solutions.

Always consider restraining ourselves and taking the short term risk: sure, there may be times when some items might be damaged, but there is greater benefit in shaping their personality by reinforcing their self-esteem and showing, by our actions, our trust in them to do the right thing.

Are there exceptions to the rule? Definitely! Indeed, in situations where it involves clear imminent harm or serious hygiene issues, then a hard “no” is unavoidable: you can’t just sit and watch if the child starts swinging a knife. In public places or other people's homes, a potential broken glass would definitely prompt more seriousness! So this is where another consideration is to be very mindful not to allow dangerous/harmful objects to be within reach of the infant in the first place, so you don’t end up having exposed yourself to the dilemma. As a default, let the ‘snatching intervention’ be the exception, not the rule, and make a clear distinction in our reaction with the intention of educating them where you “draw the line” on what is non-negotiable or unacceptable. At the age of 1+ year, they won’t be able to discern right and wrong, or even “why” should one do the right thing in the first place. Rather, what they can pick up is our emotions and our reactions towards them.

Speaking of emotions, the cheerful “Thank you” at the end is one of the key components of this approach to “seal the deal”, as a means of positive reinforcement, PLUS also to inculcate the spirit of sharing and giving to others. One particularly interesting observation of our Muawiyah was that even at the young age of 6 months, saying “Thank you” will induce a big smile on his face (unfortunately, the smile reaction gradually went away as he grew up). This eventually developed into the habit of wanting to feed and share with us his food, which we entertain too.

Allahumma barik.

#frominfanttolittleman  #raisingMuawiyah
#parentingreflections #sunnah #respect

bgfc

9 Success Habits of Ahlul Jannah

One of the most important aspects of the Islamic identity is to redefine the paradigm - the perspective and frame of mind - of what is “success”. 

In the Qur’an, success is defined from two different perspectives: The Prize, and The Process

The Prize - the goal post, the endgame that we are all string for - is for the end result Hereafter: Success is defined as being saved from the Hellfire & entering Paradise

فَمَن زُحْزِحَ عَنِ النَّارِ وَأُدْخِلَ الْجَنَّةَ فَقَدْ فَازَ

“And whoever is saved from the Fire and admitted to Paradise, he indeed is successful” (Surah Aali Imran, 3:185)

لَا يَسْتَوِي أَصْحَابُ النَّارِ وَأَصْحَابُ الْجَنَّةِ أَصْحَابُ الْجَنَّةِ هُمُ الْفَائِزُونَ

“Not equal are the dwellers of the Fire and the dwellers of the Paradise. It is the dwellers of Paradise, they are the truly successful. (Surah Al-Hashr, 57:20)

The Process, on the other hand, are the success habits of those who attain that prize. Practically speaking, Allah also outlines the actions and habits of what these successful people do to achieve that ultimate prize. 

Here are 9 of those Success Habits of those who attained that Great Prize:

1. Taqwa: Being conscious of Allah in our actions 

وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ

“And have taqwa of Allah, in order that you may attain success” (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:189)

This is further emphasized in surah An-Naba’ 

إِنَّ لِلْمُتَّقِينَ مَفَازاً 

“Verily, for those who have Taqwa, they will be successful” (Surah An-Naba’ 78:31)

 

2. Obeying the Qur’an and Sunnah

وَمَن يُطِعِ اللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُ فَقَدْ فَازَ فَوْزًا عَظِيمًا

And whosoever obeys Allah and His Messenger (SAW) he has indeed achieved a great success (Surah Al-Ahzab, 33:71)

3. Purifying our souls from diseases of the heart such as envy, 

قَدْ أَفْلَحَ مَن تَزَكَّىٰ وَذَكَرَ اسْمَ رَبِّهِ فَصَلَّىٰ

“Indeed whosoever purifies himself, And remembers (glorifies) the Name of his Lord, and prays - he shall achieve success” (Surah Al-Ala, Verse 14-15)

4. Striving in His Cause - exerting your best efforts for His sake Alone

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَابْتَغُوا إِلَيْهِ الْوَسِيلَةَ وَجَاهِدُوا فِي سَبِيلِهِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ

O you who believe! Do your duty to Allah and fear Him. Seek the means of approach to Him, and strive hard in His Cause as much as you can, so that you may be successful.” (Surah Al-Maidah 5:35)

5. Avoiding the haram intoxicants and gambling

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا إِنَّمَا الْخَمْرُ وَالْمَيْسِرُ وَالْأَنصَابُ وَالْأَزْلَامُ رِجْسٌ مِّنْ عَمَلِ الشَّيْطَانِ فَاجْتَنِبُوهُ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ

O you who believe! Intoxicants (all kinds of alcoholic drinks), gambling, Al-Ansab, and Al-Azlam (arrows for seeking luck or decision) are an abomination of Shaitan's (Satan) handiwork. So avoid (strictly all) that (abomination) in order that you may be successful” (Surah Al-Maidah 5:90)

6. Remembering the favors of Allah

فَاذْكُرُوا آلَاءَ اللَّهِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ

“So remember the graces (bestowed upon you) from Allah, so that you may be successful." (Surah Al-Araf, 7:69)

7. Dzikr (Remembrance) of Allah

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا إِذَا لَقِيتُمْ فِئَةً فَاثْبُتُوا وَاذْكُرُوا اللَّهَ كَثِيرًا لَّعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ

O you who believe! When you meet (an enemy) force, take a firm stand against them and remember the Name of Allah much (both with tongue and mind), so that you may be successful.

(Al-Anfal, 8:45)

فَإِذَا قُضِيَتِ الصَّلَاةُ فَانتَشِرُوا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَابْتَغُوا مِن فَضْلِ اللَّهِ وَاذْكُرُوا اللَّهَ كَثِيرًا لَّعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ

Then when the (Jumu'ah) Salat (prayer) is finished, you may disperse through the land, and seek the Bounty of Allah (by working, etc.), and remember Allah much, that you may be successful.

(Al-Jumu'ah, 62:10)

8. Worshiping Allah 

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا ارْكَعُوا وَاسْجُدُوا وَاعْبُدُوا رَبَّكُمْ وَافْعَلُوا الْخَيْرَ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ

“O you who believe! Bow down, and prostrate yourselves, and worship your Lord and do good that you may be successful.” (Surah Al-Hajj, 22:77)

9. Repentance

 وَتُوبُوا إِلَى اللَّهِ جَمِيعًا أَيُّهَ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ

And repent to Allah, O believers, all of you, so that you may be successful. (An-Nur 24:31)