Request Nicely, Don't Snatch

(old draft writeup in 2020 - reposted in 2024)

“Muawiyah, can you give Abah those Car Keys?”
“Thank you, Little Man!”

Extending the topic of “respect”, this is a little parenting tip which I’ve never heard or read anywhere else, so I thought I’d put it out there. When your little one starts grabbing or picking up things they are not supposed to (e.g. mobile phone, glass, spoonful of food, or in this case, car keys), don’t panic, don’t snatch, don’t scold, just keep composed ask them nicely to return it to us.

As parents we tend resort to the knee-jerk reaction of grabbing/snatching back the item from the baby, out of fear of danger or damage. But after giving it a lot of thought, I felt that if we do this repeatedly all the time, it starts subconsciously planting the idea that the child is prevented from feeding his/her curiosity and learning, perhaps even inadvertently grow up with the thoughts that their parents do not trust them to handle things with care, therefore damaging their self-esteem and sense of worth in the long run.

Rather, what we trained ourselves to do instead is to ask him back for it nicely. A typical script would be “Muawiyah, can you give that to Abah, please?” 

And once he gives it, we say a generous and cheerful “Thank you – you’re such a good boy!”.

Interestingly, in hindsight now that he is 2, we found that throughout his infant age we applied this practice, 95% of the time he gives it away without protest or second thoughts. The other 5% usually applies to things he has a serious curiosity or playful attachment to (which, most of the time, are harmless items such as his own toys).

This approach was a particularly “Eureka!” discovery for us, because aside from the momentary public interactions we have with other fellow parents, we have never really this method put into practice to infants this age. When Muawiyah could start physically gripping things about the age of 4 months old and when I first thought of this idea back then, I had no idea how effective it would be and how far it would work, given the baby’s underdeveloped communication skills at this age. I wondered, even if it did work, would it be a fluke? So we tried to practice this on a consistent basis.

Now, this takes a lot of repeated training and patience – sometimes it’s easier to snatch it away and remove the hazard altogether, immediately and just save ourselves the potential heart attack. And indeed, in the beginning it was met with mixed results, prompting us to think that perhaps it “might not work”. But here is where I need to remind myself: don't chicken out. Let’s double down on this and be patient. Parenting is about the “Long Game” here. Not quick wins and easy solutions.

Always consider restraining ourselves and taking the short term risk: sure, there may be times when some items might be damaged, but there is greater benefit in shaping their personality by reinforcing their self-esteem and showing, by our actions, our trust in them to do the right thing.

Are there exceptions to the rule? Definitely! Indeed, in situations where it involves clear imminent harm or serious hygiene issues, then a hard “no” is unavoidable: you can’t just sit and watch if the child starts swinging a knife. In public places or other people's homes, a potential broken glass would definitely prompt more seriousness! So this is where another consideration is to be very mindful not to allow dangerous/harmful objects to be within reach of the infant in the first place, so you don’t end up having exposed yourself to the dilemma. As a default, let the ‘snatching intervention’ be the exception, not the rule, and make a clear distinction in our reaction with the intention of educating them where you “draw the line” on what is non-negotiable or unacceptable. At the age of 1+ year, they won’t be able to discern right and wrong, or even “why” should one do the right thing in the first place. Rather, what they can pick up is our emotions and our reactions towards them.

Speaking of emotions, the cheerful “Thank you” at the end is one of the key components of this approach to “seal the deal”, as a means of positive reinforcement, PLUS also to inculcate the spirit of sharing and giving to others. One particularly interesting observation of our Muawiyah was that even at the young age of 6 months, saying “Thank you” will induce a big smile on his face (unfortunately, the smile reaction gradually went away as he grew up). This eventually developed into the habit of wanting to feed and share with us his food, which we entertain too.

Allahumma barik.

#frominfanttolittleman  #raisingMuawiyah
#parentingreflections #sunnah #respect

bgfc

📚Family book picnic day with Tadika Astana @tadikaastanamiri @ Esplanade Luak Beach, Miri

Today Abah did a storytelling for Muawiyah and his J2 class friends, reading from the lovely book, The Rainbow Fish 🌈🐠. 

Admittedly I was feeling very nervous, having done this the first time with other kids. I wonder how it felt like for them, seeing this huge bearded uncle tell a story about a beautiful lonely fish who wanted friends 😅. 

Alhamdulillah am happy to have had a chance to interact with Muawiyah and his friends. There's nothing quite like that warm fuzzy feeling of satisfaction in bringing happiness to kids 😊😍. (Well, at least I hope I did 😂)

Storytelling to kids: that was in fact one of my action plans to improve my public speaking skills. 

I remember when I was emceeing for the first Straight Path TSP Convention in 2015, Sheikh Abdul Rahim Green told me backstage:

"You should be a speaker. Here's a tip you can practice to further improve your public speaking: conduct storytelling with children."

Oh? Why children, Sheikh?

"You see, conducting a halaqah is easy. Adults have the discipline, attention span and maturity, especially if they want to learn. 

Children have low attention span, and give immediate, honest feedback (zoning out when they're bored)!" 

So, if can excel at keeping children engaged and sustain their attention, and keep yourself motivated when they zone out, then you know youre doing something right 😄

Hope I did okay for my first time, and here's hoping for more opportunities in the future. Allahumma barik 🤲🏼

🛡️ Family: The Fortified Shield - Weekend Seminar by The Straight Path (TSP) #thestraightpathconvention 25-26 November 2023, The Club, Bukit Utama

💎INSPIRING GEMS & HIGHLIGHTS

Course Goals : to ignite communities that benefit humanity

🔭 Building the Righteous Family the Ideal Way. Where do we begin? What’s the first step to building a house? 

Most people would say the first thing is to lay the foundations. Some might talk about raising the pillars. But the first step starts before that: we need a blueprint. What kind of house do you want to build? 

Likewise: You need a VISION that inspires you!

Starting a family begins with having a picture in your head of the world you wish to see, on the day you are on your deathbed.

💖 Marriage is barakah - but it needs a society that raises mature boys and girls

🎯 5 Core Objectives of Raising a Righteous Family 

1. Follow Allah’s command (an ibadah)

2. Following the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ

3. Having Children - as a sadaqatul jariah (continuous charity) to benefit the ummah and humanity in the long term

4. To help us stay away from Haram: Marriage is the means to protect our honor and chastity

5. Assisting One Another: work together and one another upon goodness and righteousness. 

🛠️ It all boils down to one simple objective: Building Jannah, TOGETHER. Always keep this Goal in mind!

🏫 The first educational institution a human being will go through is their PARENTS. Listen up, young people: your parents aren’t old school, they are ORIGINAL school 

👂🏼Practice more LISTENING in the household: Acknowledge each other’s feelings, and provide that psychological safety.

A tightly knit family is one that enjoys emotional security inside, to one another. 

🎁 Appreciation and Gratitude - put in the effort to express gestures of genuine gratitude to one another. You may not recognize this but it has a HUGE impact.

🔥 Resolving conflicts - Some pointers:

1. YOU need to take the first step. Put ego aside! Remember your purpose in life: You are reconciling for the Sake of Pleasing Allah - not for the sake of that person. 

2. Conflict demands patience, wisdom and emotional maturity - Be methodical, be systematic. Use that prefrontal cortex, don’t allow your emotions to compromise your good judgment

3. Focus on the core of the problem, not just attacking the symptoms

4. Don’t forget the role that SHAITAN plays, behind the scenes: planting seeds of hatred and enmity, and induces waswas - overthinking, exaggeration, to paralyze you from taking action

🪜 Raising a righteous family might seem like a steep hill to climb. Focus on PROGRESS, not perfection. Allah wants to see you taking those baby steps. When you put in a little bit of effort, Allah will open doors of barakah (blessings) for you!

Optimism, Play and Happiness: Our “Default” Conduct

#frominfanttolittleman  #raisingMuawiyah
#parentingreflections #sunnah

The companion `Abdullah b. al-Harith (radhiAllahu anhu) said:

عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ الْحَارِثِ بْنِ جَزْءٍ، قَالَ مَا رَأَيْتُ أَحَدًا أَكْثَرَ تَبَسُّمًا مِنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم
"I have never seen anyone more in the habit of smiling than Allah's Messenger (Prophet Muhammad ﷺ)"
(Narrated by at-Tirmidhi who graded it hasan)

Coming into parenting with raising our Muawiyah, I made a conscious decision to make “positive and happy” our default interaction approach. Aside from the obvious benefits of a cheerful environment, we also wanted to make it another form of indirect disciplining: when he does something we are unhappy with, we would just show our unhappiness and not smile, to subconsciously create an atmosphere of unfamiliarity and outside of their comfort zone. When children observe their usually-happy parents suddenly become upset with them, let them learn to put in the effort to restore the positive status quo – what is familiar and “comfortable”. Contrast that to a parent who’s always yelling and shouting, when the child does something wrong – you can scold them into submission, but this will be leading out of fear, not out of seeking affection.

And we adopt this approach from our understanding of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, especially in his constant cheerfulness dealing with little ones.  We could see this in the various authentic narrations on how he treated his grandchildren (Hasan/Husain), his daughter Fatimah, and even other children in public.

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ كُنْتُ مَعَ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فِي سُوقٍ مِنْ أَسْوَاقِ الْمَدِينَةِ فَانْصَرَفَ فَانْصَرَفْتُ فَقَالَ ‏"‏ أَيْنَ لُكَعُ ـ ثَلاَثًا ـ ادْعُ الْحَسَنَ بْنَ عَلِيٍّ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَقَامَ الْحَسَنُ بْنُ عَلِيٍّ يَمْشِي وَفِي عُنُقِهِ السِّخَابُ، فَقَالَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم بِيَدِهِ هَكَذَا، فَقَالَ الْحَسَنُ بِيَدِهِ، هَكَذَا فَالْتَزَمَهُ
Abu Hurairah narrated: I was with Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) in one of the Markets of Medina. He left (the market) and so did I. Then he asked thrice, "Where is the little one?"
Then he said, "Call Al-Hasan bin `Ali."
So Al-Hasan bin `Ali got up and started walking with a necklace (of beads) around his neck.
The Prophet (ﷺ) stretched his hand out like this, and Al-Hasan did the same. 

The Prophet (ﷺ) embraced him and then said,

فَقَالَ ‏"‏ اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أُحِبُّهُ، فَأَحِبَّهُ، وَأَحِبَّ مَنْ يُحِبُّهُ ‏"‏‏.‏ قَالَ أَبُو هُرَيْرَةَ فَمَا كَانَ أَحَدٌ أَحَبَّ إِلَىَّ مِنَ الْحَسَنِ بْنِ عَلِيٍّ بَعْدَ مَا قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم مَا قَالَ
"Oh Allah! l love him, so please love him and love those who love him."
Since Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said that, nothing has been more beloved to me (Abu Hurairah) than Al-Hasan.
(Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

He would jokingly blow out water at a child's face:

عَنْ مَحْمُودِ بْنِ الرَّبِيعِ، قَالَ عَقَلْتُ مِنَ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم مَجَّةً مَجَّهَا فِي وَجْهِي وَأَنَا ابْنُ خَمْسِ سِنِينَ مِنْ دَلْوٍ
Narrated Mahmud bin Rabi`a: When I was a boy of five years of age, I remember, the Prophet (ﷺ) took water from a bucket (used for getting water out of a well) with his mouth and blew it towards my face.
(Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

Learning from some effective Western methods, one of the more practical and interesting parenting strategies is integrating fun into getting them to perform mundane tasks - such as taking a bath. I remember an article suggesting that we turn it into a "race" to see who reaches the bathroom first. We have adopted this method and improvised to get him excited to go to the toilet: by bobbing up and down singing fun stuff like "Muawiyah bath tub Muawiyah bath tub" - he then follows our actions and eventually to the toilet. It's silly, fun, downright hilarious at times, but most of all: it is surprisingly effective!

We try to integrate this method into other mundane tasks and instructions, and we found it to work really well. Simple things like when we want him to getting ready to go out, i.e. to the Masjid – “Muawiyah, show abah how fast you can go!”, “Muawiyah, jom play with the kittens at masjid!”

When we brush his teeth, my wife devised a genius method to convince him by putting the phone camera on selfie mode while brushing, so he can see his teeth, and have a good laugh

At least for the formative early years of infancy, as much as we try to establish the principles and values, we try our very best to inculcate fun and joy in our child. We want him to feel that his parents are a "go to" source of happiness and positive feels.

Reflecting upon the upbringing of myself and others around me, what tends to happen quite often in this modern age, is when the children develop dependencies OUTSIDE of the home environment as references of "fun" and "joy", especially as they grow older. It's the kind of situation that subconsciously develops itself when mom and dad are so busy, only seemingly able to make time about us to become strict about our school work and the "dos and donts". As time goes by, the child starts finding references outside of the home to bring them joy, whether in the form of people or objects - friends, cartoons, games, food, activities, movies.

Simply put: Children need attention, respect, fun and love. If the parents aren't going to give it to them, they will look elsewhere. And the danger for us parents – especially as children grow older and well into their teenage years - in this undying thirst and pursuit of happiness, "right" or "wrong" can sometimes mean very little to the child who seeks self-validation.

And Allah Knows best. Allahumma barik 

“Cat Lover Boi”: towards EQ development in children

Among one of the conscious decisions we made as a parent was to allow and encourage our baby Muawiyah to grow up playing with pets: and our pets of choice was cats. 

The reasons I deliberately chose this are twofold: personal reason and parenting reasons. 

Personal: Not gonna lie, I have always loved cats. But at the same time, my childhood was kind of deprived of it because we grew up living an apartment most of my childhood and regulations prohibiting to keep cats. But I really enjoyed playing with cats at my cousins’ place when we would visit them growing up, and when my wife and I finally had the opportunity to rent landed property in Miri, we finally had the chance in 2015 when a cute little stray kitten suddenly arrived at our doorstep. We’ve been keeping a few cats since then and our lives have been so much more fun with them around. 

Initially we had a lot of concerns on hygiene and health of cats’ interaction with babies, and therefore just before baby Muawiyah was born, our first course of action was to move our kittens to live outside of the house (with a heavy heart 😥). 

After doing some research, we started gradually allowing more interaction, starting with short and quick play times when he was about 8 months old and strict handwashing rules post-playtime. By the time he was 1 year old, he and our 2-year old cat Talhah had become best friends. Well, sort of. 

Parenting goals: In extracting practical life lessons from the sirah of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, the intent behind enabling opportunities to take care of pets is to develop his EQ (emotional quotient) – in the aspects of Mercy and Kindness, as well as developing restraint. 

The Prophet ﷺ said,  
عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏"‏ مَا بَعَثَ اللَّهُ نَبِيًّا إِلاَّ رَعَى الْغَنَمَ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَقَالَ أَصْحَابُهُ وَأَنْتَ فَقَالَ ‏"‏ نَعَمْ كُنْتُ أَرْعَاهَا عَلَى قَرَارِيطَ لأَهْلِ مَكَّةَ ‏"‏‏.
"Allah did not send any prophet, except that they had become shepherds of sheep." His companions asked him, "Did you do the same?" 
The Prophet (ﷺ) replied, "Yes, I used to shepherd the sheep of the people of Mecca for some Qirats (as payment)" 
(Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

Why shepherd of sheep? Every single prophet: What is the significance?

I remember attending a course and listening to several lectures regarding this specific topics, and there were many wisdoms behind why Allah chose this specific career choice for his Prophets, and how this contributed into shaping and developing his competency and personality into the role that Allah had destined for them: and in the context of Prophet Muhammad: a leader, teacher, mentor, mufti, parent, and friend.

There were at least 15 major lessons – some specific to sheep instead of shepherding other animals – but in the context of today’s modern city life, several of those points of benefits can also be obtained by simply training your children with taking care of pets (and in our context, cats). But here we wanted to focus on two:

1. To Develop a Sense of Mercy and Responsibility. 

Sheep are actually very fragile and soft creatures. They aren’t argumentative, comparatively may not be as intelligent as other animals such as camels or horses, and because of their shorter stature being unable to see long distances, they are not very effective in defending themselves from harm. Also, the job of the shepherd – taking the “amanah” (trust) of caring for sheep which do not belong to them – indirectly instills a sense of responsibility to get the job done effectively: if a sheep dies on the shepherd’s watch, the shepherd can’t simply blame the sheep’s stubbornness or shortage of intelligence. 

These characteristics indirectly “shape” the personality of the shepherd to be caring and loving towards these furry fellas, in contrast to camel herders who tend to be rougher in nature to keep up with the more typically arrogant personality of the camel. 

Cats also harbor similar characteristics in this regard. Despite being domesticated with human civilizations for centuries, cats also require a lot of tender love and care, especially being prone to diseases, imminent harm and high mortality rates in urban environments. So this is where we found a potential opportunity (though perhaps to a lesser extent) to inculcate these characteristics.

Having “Love” isn’t just an absolute quotient, i.e. “either you have it or don’t have it”. If one thinks of EQ like IQ (intelligence quotient) – something that can be developed – then in the same way, you can definitely develop mercy. 

Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said:
الرَّاحِمُونَ يَرْحَمُهُمُ الرَّحْمَنُ ارْحَمُوا أَهْلَ الأَرْضِ يَرْحَمْكُمْ مَنْ فِي السَّمَاءِ

"Those who are Merciful and Compassionate: Ar-Rahman (The Most Compassionate One) will have mercy on them. 
Show mercy to the inhabitants of the earth, He Who is in the heaven will show mercy to you."
(Narrated by Abu Daud, graded Sahih by Al-Albani)

One of the big parenting concerns about raising children in this gadget age of 21st century, is how can we actively play a role to develop their EQ to be effective communicators, leaders, or functional contributing members of society when they grow up. At the core of every good, empathetic, and kind heart is sincerity, and the driver being is love/mercy.

When we teach our children to take care of pets, we can teach him/her to learn that these creatures can be helpless without us, and therefore instill a sense of responsibility, a benefit which you do not get with gadgets and video games. And look, I'm not picking on gamers or gadget heads here, in fact I speak from my own personal experience: I myself was an avid video gamer growing up. 
Now, unlike video games – where you can recklessly trial and error or even inflict virtual harm without any real consequences – in the case of handling living creatures, if you fail to take care of them or you treat them badly and reach "Game Over", there will be tangible harmful consequences than a mere title screen and "restart at latest checkpoint". 
But if you do well, and they live happily, you can take pride knowing that you played a part towards improving the life of other creatures of Allah. How about that 😁. 

Perhaps, as Muawiyah grows older and if we still have the opportunity to have cats around the house, we may start to increase our child’s responsibilities of feeding, disposing their litter, and maybe even giving them a shower every once in a while. 

2. Developing Restraint and Gentleness

As children (especially boys) grow up, they begin discovering their physical abilities, and so the lessons we wanted to teach him was to restrain himself: that just because you can physically overcome, defeat and bully them, doesn’t mean you “have to” do it. It is better to be kind and friendly towards them and be their “big bro companion”. 

And we can see that as Muawiyah grew up playing with our cat Talhah and gradually developed his physical strengths and abilities, he started becoming more dominant towards the cat and sometimes found thrill in bullying him. Alhamdulillah Talhah doesn’t normally retaliate, but we did feel sorry for the poor fella as he gets bullied. But this is where we keep educating Muawiyah to “be gentle” and “be nice” with him, stroking him gently and tickling him softly to keep him happy. 

But as they say, boys will be boys – and Muawiyah continued bullying his best friend. So we keep telling the same thing to Muawiyah, again and again. And again. 

And this was a reminder to us too, that just as we wish to instill gentleness in him, we ourselves too need to be gentle and patient in educating him (as long as there is no imminent harm that can result from his behavior), bearing in mind at all times that parenting is all about "the long game", not quick gains. 

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said,

إِنَّ اللَّهَ رَفِيقٌ يُحِبُّ الرِّفْقَ وَيُعْطِي عَلَيْهِ مَا لاَ يُعْطِي عَلَى الْعُنْفِ
"Allah is gentle, He Loves gentleness, 
and Gives for gentleness what he does not give for harshness." 
(Narrated by Ibnu Majah and Abu Daud, graded Sahih by Al-Albani) 

مَنْ أُعْطِيَ حَظَّهُ مِنَ الرِّفْقِ فَقَدْ أُعْطِيَ حَظَّهُ مِنَ الْخَيْرِ وَمَنْ حُرِمَ حَظَّهُ مِنَ الرِّفْقِ فَقَدْ حُرِمَ حَظَّهُ مِنَ الْخَيْرِ
"Whoever was given his share of gentleness, then he has been given a share of good. And whoever has been prevented from his share of gentleness, then he has been prevented from his share of good."
(Narrated by At-Tirmidhi) 

In another Hadith, the Prophet ﷺ said to his wife A'isyah, 

يَا عَائِشَةُ ارْفُقِي فَإِنَّ الرِّفْقَ لَمْ يَكُنْ فِي شَىْءٍ قَطُّ إِلاَّ زَانَهُ وَلاَ نُزِعَ مِنْ شَىْءٍ قَطُّ إِلاَّ شَانَهُ
"O Aisha.. Be gentle!
For if gentleness is found in anything, it beautifies it, 
and when it is removed from anything it damages it."
(Narrated by Abu Daud, graded Sahih by Al-Albani)

Coming back to the point of communication, our words to a 1-year old boy may not seem to have much of an effect. 
At first. As the months passed by, Muawiyah’s love for playing with cats started to be further ingrained into his personality, as he gets excited seeing any random cat at any masjid, restaurant, or public place we encounter (much to the discomfort of the mother). What we discovered was that interestingly, he is always gentle and careful in dealing with cats he is not familiar with, and he only shows his tough love to the cats that he knows at home.

Turns out, those repeated messages of gentleness did indeed get to him. He only bullies Talhah because he knows Talhah is his “friend” – in the same way that he bullies me and his mom – for fun. That was really his acknowledgement of being in his safe zone, that he can be comfortable enough to show his more active play side. 

3. No small matter 

It is worth noting that Islam places some serious emphasis towards the kind treatment of other creations of Allah, including animals. 

In fact, to put it simply, treatment of animals can mean the difference between Heaven and Hell. Consider the following two authentic Hadith: 

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:
بَيْنَمَا رَجُلٌ يَمْشِي بِطَرِيقٍ اشْتَدَّ عَلَيْهِ الْعَطَشُ، فَوَجَدَ بِئْرًا فَنَزَلَ فِيهَا فَشَرِبَ ثُمَّ خَرَجَ، فَإِذَا كَلْبٌ يَلْهَثُ يَأْكُلُ الثَّرَى مِنَ الْعَطَشِ فَقَالَ الرَّجُلُ لَقَدْ بَلَغَ هَذَا الْكَلْبَ مِنَ الْعَطَشِ مِثْلُ الَّذِي كَانَ بَلَغَ بِي، فَنَزَلَ الْبِئْرَ فَمَلأَ خُفَّهُ، ثُمَّ أَمْسَكَهُ بِفِيهِ، فَسَقَى الْكَلْبَ، فَشَكَرَ اللَّهُ لَهُ فَغَفَرَ لَهُ ‏"‏‏.‏ قَالُوا يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ وَإِنَّ لَنَا فِي الْبَهَائِمِ أَجْرًا‏.‏ فَقَالَ ‏"‏ فِي كُلِّ ذَاتِ كَبِدٍ رَطْبَةٍ أَجْرٌ
 "While a man was walking on a road. he became very thirsty. Then he came across a well, got down into it, drank (of its water) and then came out. Meanwhile he saw a dog panting and licking mud because of excessive thirst. The man said to himself "This dog is suffering from the same state of thirst as I did." So he went down the well (again) and filled his shoe (with water) and held it in his mouth and watered the dog. Allah thanked him for that deed and forgave him." The people asked, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! Is there a reward for us in serving the animals?" He said, "(Yes) There is a reward for serving any animate (living being) ."
(Narrated by Al-Bukhari and Muslim) 

In another narration also narrated by Imam Al-Bukhari and Muslim, a prostitute from Bani Israel also did the same - and Allah appreciated her efforts so much that she was forgiven for that deed. Imagine here, that even a person of *that* profession, can be forgiven out of mercy and kindness to a dog. 

And in another narration, he stated the opposite example. He ﷺ said:

دَخَلَتِ امْرَأَةٌ النَّارَ مِنْ جَرَّاءِ هِرَّةٍ لَهَا - أَوْ هِرٍّ - رَبَطَتْهَا فَلاَ هِيَ أَطْعَمَتْهَا وَلاَ هِيَ أَرْسَلَتْهَا تُرَمِّمُ مِنْ خَشَاشِ الأَرْضِ حَتَّى مَاتَتْ هَزْلاً
"A woman was thrown into Hell-Fire because of a cat whom she had tied (oppressively in captivity), and thus it could not eat, and she did not let it free so that it could devour the vermin of the earth, until (the cat) died."
(Narrated by Al-Bukhari and Muslim) 

And so if we have a means to train and nurture these traits in the household, why not? 
Plus, I get to satisfy the cat lover boi in me too, so why not? 

Closing thoughts.. 

It’s too early to tell the results so far, but his personality has certainly developed a strong affinity and liking towards cats. At 2 years old, restraint isn’t an easy thing to teach, and so we are still on the learning curve towards this path. But we enjoy seeing him play with these little guys and we look forward to seeing how this will pan out in years to come, insha Allah.. 

May Allah grant continue to nurture mercy, gentleness, and maturity in Muawiyah, our youth and to the rest of the ummah.

Screen Time during the Infant Years: What We Learnt

One of the most important lessons learnt experience is regarding screen time and its effect on our son.

In his early infant ages, we would put on DVD's of Islamic lectures (such as Sajid Umar, as shown here). As he got older and learnt names of objects and creatures, we started putting on DVD's of BBC documentaries, such as "Planet Earth", "Human Planet" and "Natures Great Events". Initially, though he was quite engaged by the colorful and interesting visuals, he did not pay that much attention.

Over time, however, perhaps from the development of his senses, we did notice that he would get more and more engaged and gradually more hooked on to it. As time went by, he began requesting for it: saying "Fishy" while pointing towards the TV ("fishy" implying documentary about fish).

We gradually started to expand our content to include several types of non-music nashid, and some videos on YouTube that compiled cartoon visuals but helpfully paired it with Quran Recitation (obviously created for parental distraction purposes - by parents, for parents, perhaps?) and as time went by, it was clear that he was really engaged and enjoying the content. This worked well for us, it seems, at it easily bought us an hour of time. And as any parent can tell you, time is such a valuable and scarce commodity indeed.

But as the weeks passed by, we realized that things weren't going toward a positive direction. He would get increasingly hooked, demanding "fishy" and "batasa" (as in, the "alif ba ta tha" nashid) on a daily basis, and while it was adorable and exciting to see him slowly learning the words and tunes, we observed gradually unpleasant behaviors being developed over time. He would throw up uncompromising tantrums and would only stop if the screen was on. He didn't want to play with the cat, his toy cars, the swimming pool, the balls, nothing - he just wanted the screen.

At that point, we could not really tell if this behavior was a result of the screen time, or a “natural progression” of the development of “cheeky boys” behavior as they grow up.

We found out later that apparently, studies have revealed that screen time can have a negative impact on brain and mental development for infants under 2. While the long term effects of this development have yet to be established, the short term effects were apparent and was really scary: our cheerful, playful and cheeky son had slowly turned into an obnoxious, unpleasant and demanding screen junkie.

We decided to take immediate drastic measures to remove the TV entirely, and (at least for the time being), never use our phones in front of him, except for cases of necessity. 

We knew this would not be easy. We were expecting some tough withdrawal tantrums. Let's be honest: even us parents would also struggle at the thought of withdrawal from our phones! (Gasp 😱)

And with the screens away, this meant that keeping him occupied would require a lot more time, effort, creativity and patience. That limited "me-time" was about to get even more limited.

But we knew what we wanted, and we were willing to endure the short term pain for our son's long term development. 

Remember, parenting is all about the “Long Game”, so fundamentally we always have to reshape our paradigm: This is not “sacrifice”, this is investment.

Brace for impact. Bismillah. 🙈

One night, when he was asleep, I removed the TV and replaced it with his DIY-made race track playing mat for him… as we did in this photo. 

Initially, he was demanding for his TV. But he was also somewhat confused and disoriented. Wait, something was here, right?

To our utmost delight and surprise, something amazing happened. Although there were slight symptoms of initial withdrawal tantrums, it didn't take very long for him to readjust - and just the very next day, by the afternoon, he was back to playing with his toy cars and trucks, annoying our cat with his antics, playing cheeky hide and seek games with Ibu and Abah, climbing places he knows he's not supposed to, and his creative funny side suddenly revealed itself back once again.

And as he did that, we stared at each other in amazement and utter disbelief: our Muawiyah was back. 

The amazing thing is that we also noticed that Muawiyah had a significant, consistent positive change in his mood. It was much happier and healthier - no more demanding millennial.

Apparently, when the screen was present, Muawiyah went on vacation.

But wait a minute... Don’t hold your breath just yet. Is this a “once off” fluke? Could the screen addiction relapse again when he remembers the joy of colorful cartoons enlightening his senses?

Nope. Two, three, four days later. Until today, Alhamdulillah: no more screen junkie. Muawiyah was indeed back!

Lessons learnt: As long as you don't expose the object of desire, the desire won't be present.

This was a very important trial-and-error lesson for us in our parenting journey. Not everything that is categorically "halal" and can potentially bring good, is inherently "good" in every circumstance. Educational Nashid and Qur'an Recitation videos are indeed good in a sense, and served its purpose in a given context, but we have to view the impact in totality, and exercise wisdom in how and when we apply certain things. Educational Nashid and Quran videos will never replace the effectiveness of the human touch of sitting down to read and recite with our children, especially in these formative years, when they interact primarily with emotion rather than language.

As the months passed by, we also learnt a remarkable thing about his personality: because he isn’t raised being engrossed in gadgets and TV’s and not always having his sensory being assaulted with content after content, he can get easily engaged with the simplest of things. He enjoys looking at boats, airplanes (even static pictures in a book or on stickers), he loves playing with the same toy trains and police cars he played with when he was 6 months old, he finds creative little ways to play with us (more on that in another article, “Creative Little Fella”). And even until this day, he enjoys playing with the simple cardboard-crafted stuff that we make for him – with the added bonus of “we time” through the crafting process together, a benefit you won’t get were you to purchase a Transformers action figure at Toys R Us.

All in all, this was a challenging lesson for us, but Alhamdulillah we are glad we learnt it in and performed our “course correction” intervention in time, and we hope that may this be a beneficial lesson to others as well.

BarakAllahu fikum

#frominfanttolittleman  #raisingMuawiyah
#parentingreflections

Treating Children with “Respect”: Building the Foundations of Our Relationship

We love these cute AirAsia fridge magnets. But Muawiyah gets really annoyed when he sees them on the fridge. To him, these are toys – trucks and planes – and they should be on the floor, not hung up on the refrigerator. Whenever he sees them, he will take them all down and line them up with the rest of this toy cars, trucks and planes. Okay buddy, we understand.

Taking cues from the guidance per the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, the parenting approach we chose to take in our dealings with Muawiyah was, as much as practicable, to be, respectful and encouraging to our son. Our long-term goal is to create that loving mentoring figure who he is comfortable sharing his thoughts, feelings and struggles and will reach out to us in the time of need. Some might call this being your child’s “friend”, in a sense.

On the opposite end of the spectrum though, there is another school of thought with regards to this matter. I recall having been to an Islamic parenting course before and one of the speakers brought up that we should have a very rough and firm, no-nonsense approach; after all, it’s a harsh world out there and we need to make MEN out of these boys. In fact I very clearly remember the words along the lines of:

“no, as parents we should NOT befriend them. I am not your friend. I am your mother and you need to listen to me”.

Whoa. That was intense.

I can see where she was coming from, and while I respect and empathize with the approach and the reasoning behind them, I also see glaring flaws and potential undesirable long-term ramifications for such conduct.

For me, personally I would prefer to take a more coach-like approach built upon trust – and this begins with respect. These are the underlying thoughts why we consciously decide to take this approach:

1. The Need for Connection

The way I see it is, human beings need close personal connections and bonds. People need others they can talk to, to share their thoughts and feelings with in a safe environment without being rebuked. And if the parents aren’t going to step up to be those people to their child, then trust me, someone else will: at best, it would be a “best friend” with a good upbringing. At worst, it could be rebellious attention-seeking problem maker, or the “Mr. Nice Guy” sensitive boyfriend.

2. Lessons from Surah Yusuf: Interaction of little Yusuf and his father Ya’qub

There was an interesting life lesson I learnt during tafser class of Surah Yusuf. The story begins with Yusuf, who was 6 years old at the time, told his father about experiencing a very unusual dream. (Refer surah Yusuf, 12:4). Of all people in the world he knew, the one person he chose to share it with was his father. Kids, that age, when they come across something thrilling or mind-blowing, would usually share it with their friends, peers, or brothers – he had twelve of them, after all, and he could have told it to any one of them! But no – his father was his conversant of choice. This by itself shows the trusting relationship that Yusuf had with his father, indirectly signifying his father Ya’qub’s parenting approach to build that connection that led to that moment.

I recall also a lesson from Sajid Umar highlighting that the ayah begins with “iz” (meaning, “when”) – indicating that talking to his father is a habit that Yusuf always does – not a once-off. The response by his father Ya’qub in the preceding ayah signifies the genuine attentiveness he brings in his interactions with his young child – he never scoffed his child for telling him a ‘trivial tale’ or fantasy about his dreams. He listened attentively and provided genuine sincere advice. Though these points are more related to communication, it also is a showcase of the fruits resultant from an underlying two-way respect in a parent-child relationship.

3. Children need more than breadwinners

While growing up, I was very close friends with several individuals who were raised in very wealthy families. One of them, was raised in a very well-off household: his parents showered him with gifts, good provisions, and solid financial support all the way up to university, and they were decent, honest folks. In fact, I remember I was even somewhat envious of him when I first knew him back then.

But I remember very clearly him telling me about his upbringing:

“I would love to tell my parents that appreciate all these wonderful things. But at the end of the day, I want more than someone who pays my bills and gives me things. I want a friend. Someone who understands me. Someone to talk to”.

Although he had abundant physical nourishment and a very comfortable life, he always felt emotionally neglected. Those were really touching words, and though was 16 years ago since I heard these words, I remember telling myself: if I ever was going to be a parent someday, this is something I need to be mindful of, and avoid at all costs.

4. What was the Sunnah approach?

Most importantly, we need to refer it back directly to the best of examples – Prophet Muhammad ﷺ himself. A few weeks back I compiled an article titled “Mercy to the Little Ones: How The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ Treated Children”. Though it definitely wasn’t exhaustive – as I am certain that there are more narrations I have left out or am not aware of – it was very clear that the Prophet ﷺ treated children with mercy, kindness, optimism – even a little bit of silly playfulness – and more importantly: respect. And it is with these hadith that form the principles of how we chose to raise our Little Man, with the recognition that Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was the best example for mankind to follow in all his actions.

While kindness, playfulness and compassion is fairly common, the topic of “Respect” towards children has a special place of priority for us, as it is a thing of rarity and short supply in the typical Asian parenting culture.

Some would define this approach as “Respectful Parenting”, but we don’t box ourselves up to such definitions. If anything, I would prefer calling it “Sunnah parenting”, in reference to our core principles and values.

One hadith that brings this context is as follows:

عَنْ سَهْلِ بْنِ سَعْدٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم أُتِيَ بِشَرَابٍ، وَعَنْ يَمِينِهِ غُلاَمٌ وَعَنْ يَسَارِهِ أَشْيَاخٌ، فَقَالَ لِلْغُلاَمِ ‏ "‏ أَتَأْذَنُ لِي أَنْ أُعْطِيَ هَؤُلاَءِ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَقَالَ الْغُلاَمُ لاَ، وَاللَّهِ لاَ أُوثِرُ بِنَصِيبِي مِنْكَ أَحَدًا‏.‏ فَتَلَّهُ فِي يَدِهِ‏.

Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d: A drink (of milk and water) was brought to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) while a boy was sitting on his right side and old men were sitting on his left side. He asked the boy, "Will you allow me to give it to these (people)?" 
The boy said, "No, by Allah, I will not allow anyone to take my right from you! " 
Then the Prophet put the bowl in the boy's hand.

(Narrated by Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

There are so many amazing lessons in leadership here, but the thing that strikes me most is how much respect the Prophet ﷺ showed towards a child in the presence of elders: To inquire AND grant the child’s permission, even though it is against what the Prophet ﷺ himself wanted.

This is something almost completely unheard of in the society that many of us were raised in, where children are given very little respect. Most of the time children have no say in any matter and are just told to “get in line” and “stop whining”, and hence by our actions disallowing them of any form of autonomy.

If we pay extra attention to the details of his conduct, we can find that this respect has a lot more depth to it. At the most basic, one level of respect is that we at least communicate to them, let them talk it through, provide their feedback but eventually pep talk them into accepting the inevitability of the decision we’ve already made.

One higher level of respect is to actually give them a choice. And there are two sub-levels to this. The first, (arguably less ethical) is to give them the ‘illusion’ of choice – and talk to them as if they had a say, but manipulate and talk your way into ‘steering’ the fatalistic decision that you’ve already made your mind up in the first place. It may sound less ethical, but at least the child will have a feeling of respect that at least he is heard and that his point of view does indeed matter.

So notice this hadith here that the Prophet ﷺ is demonstrating an even higher level of respect: for a leader to delegate actual autonomy, be denied of your choice, and comply with what you want.

AND… to be denied by none other than a child!
Now of course, this autonomy is certainly not absolute; in the context of this hadith, it is simply a matter of table manners” (adab/etiquettes of eating). The principle here is that parents and educators need to exercise hikmah (wisdom) in addressing- but at least, try your level best, in the “less important” areas, empower them with some autonomy and decision-making where you are able to.

In future posts insha Allah we will share other examples on HOW exactly do we translate this “respectful approach” into practical action, especially during these infant years.

#frominfanttolittleman #parentingreflections #sunnah #raisingMuawiyah

From Infant to Little Man: Reflections and Sharing of Raising Muawiyah

This February 2020, our little Muawiyah turns 2 years old. Alhamdulillah it has been such a great blessing from Allah and a wonderful learning experience raising and caring for this beautiful gift which Allah bestowed upon us after 8 years of marriage. In “graduating” from this infant phase, we decided to write and compile a few articles to share our reflections and experiences – and some advance plans – in raising the Little Man throughout these 2 years.

Our intention of putting this stuff out there twofold: firstly, as students and first-timers (i.e. noobs) in this field of parenting, we still have a lot to learn from other, more experienced parents out there, so we would love to hear any insights, suggestions, feedback, or second views from others – especially as we move into his toddler phase. 

Secondly, as these articles represent first-hand experience applying the theoretical parenting knowledge we have been learning from Islamic and contemporary Western sources, we would like to share them in hopes that others will find benefit in them, perhaps even enhance them and take it many steps further (and if so, we’d love to hear from you too!).
Some of the articles we had in mind are as follows:

1. Treating our Child with Respect
2. Our Approach to Prohibitions, Restrictions, and Rejections
3. Muawiyah, Masjid, and Me - Experience in our Daily Masjid Excursions
4. “Creative Little Fella”
5. Nurturing good habits
6. Constant Love and Affection (But Avoid Spoiling Them!)
7. Cat-Lover Boi: Developing EQ
8. Addressing “How to Develop A Passion towards the Quran? The Sunnah? The Deen?”
9. Screen Time: What We Learnt
10. “Be A Man”: the Crucial Role of the Husband, especially in the early months
11. “You will Raise Your Child in the same way you were raised?”: identifying Cultural Blind Spots
12. Life In Miri
13. “I Am Going To Miss This”: Enjoying the moments (and everything in between)
14. “Going Through A Phase” – A continuous work in progress
15. Handling the Feelings of ‘guilt’ and inadequacy as a parent

Looking forward to it! 


رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
“Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes (Qurratu A’yun), 
and make us leaders to the Muttaqun (those who have consciousness and fear of Allah)” (Al-Furqan 25:74)

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ made the following du'aa for Muawiyah (bin Abi Sufyan):

اللَّهُمَّ اجْعَلْهُ هَادِيًا مَهْدِيًّا وَاهْدِ بِهِ
"O Allah, make him a person who guides (others), 
one who is guided, 
and guide (others) by him!" 
(Narrated by At-Tirmidzi)

Great Husband - a 'forgotten' sunnah..?

Reading into the seerah (history) of the Prophet Muhammad (sallAllahu alayhi wasallam), we see an exemplary role model throughout all facets of life. He was a great teacher, a great leader, a beloved friend and companion, an honest and skillfull businessman, a great student, etc; but above all, what really proved his genuineness, was that above all that:

He was the best of husbands.

How unfortunate that these days, many amongst the men, when it comes to the word “sunnah” and “marriage”, the only thing they talk about is about “more than 1” – forsaking the greater sunnah : being a GREAT HUSBAND in the first place.

How much have we forgotten the following sunnah of being a husband –

- Doing the house chores and serving the family at home (Sahih Al-Bukhari Vol. 1, Book 11, Hadith 644)

- Consult and LISTEN to your wife’s advice (Al-Bukhari, Book #50, Hadith 891)

- If your wife didn’t cook, then don’t complain, just fast (Sahih Muslim, Book 6, Hadith 2574). In fact, never criticize ANY food for that matter (Al-Bukhari, Vol. 7, Book 65, Hadith 320)

- He was so loving that he would kiss his wives just before he left the house to go for prayers (Sunan At-Tirmidzi, Vol. 1, Book 1, Hadith 86, graded hasan) even while in a state of fasting (Muslim, Book 6, Hadith 2446),

- He would openly express his love for his wife, even amongst his friends (Al-Bukhari, Vol. 5, Book 57, Hadith 14)

And many more! We’re only scratching the surface of some examples on how the Prophet was an exemplary husband – this on top of him being a cheerful, loving, caring, and patient. How he was with his companions, he was even better with his own family – especially to the wife.

And he gave the criteria of those who are the best of mankind:

أكمل المؤمنين إيماناً أحسنهم خلقاً وخياركم خياركم لنسائهم

“The most perfect man in his faith among the believers is the one whose behaviour is most excellent;

and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives." (Narrated by At-Tirmidzi, Vol. 1, Book 7, Hadith 1162, graded hasan)

“خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِي”

"The best of you is the one who is best to his wife (family), and I am the best of you to my wives."

(Sunan ibn Majah Vol. 3, Book 9, Hadith 1977, graded hasan)

My dear brothers, the Prophet gave the benchmark of being the “best” as how well we treat our wives – because our character in private, is a true representation of who we really are.

We can fool everyone with our public appearance, but we can’t fool the wife.

On the Day (of Judgment) when people will be blaming other for their shortcomings, how well have you treated the one who knows you the most?

Because seriously, if you’re lousy with one, then don’t be lousy with two. Or three. Have mercy on our sisters.

A reminder for myself and to you – Let’s endeavour to follow the Sunnah of the Prophet holistically towards becoming the best of husbands.

Remember: The best of men was the best to his wives.