Nurturing Grit and Resilience in our children

 

This video was taken while Little Man was sliding down a very steep hill at our local park yesterday (without the mother, of course. Save her the heart attack 🤣)

This was actually his second attempt going down the hill. The first attempt, he fell down his bike because he panicked and wobbled the handles when he was cruising at high speed. But after the fall, he picked himself up and immediately was craving for round 2. Like a boss. 

Reflecting back 

1. Trust in his abilities - 

Put ourselves in our child's shoes: How would you feel when others insist that "you won't make it"? 

When he FIRST expressed his intention to glide downhill and said "Muawiyah nak go FAST!" I'll be honest.. I didn't think he could do it. It looked very risky and could hurt himself if he fell. But I also wanted him to challenge his comfort zone. So I asked, in the most casual tone, "are you sure? That looks so dangerous!" but he insisted. Weighing it out, I thought that this would be a great learning opportunity either way, for him to own up to his own decisions and discover the natural consequences of his choices. And because we weren't too far from home, we knew we could quickly get help if we needed it. So Bismillah, let's give it a go. 

I projected in a similar theoretical scenario in the future: how would we react when he makes a major life decision? About marriage, studies, career?

How would we feel when we are told, "you won't make it", "you're not good enough" 

2. Minimize verbal instructions - 

In my opinion, nagging can be the single most counter-productive thing you can do for your child at the playground. Excessive instructions can overwhelm the child, bring a lot of psychological stress, induce unnecessary fear or cause the child to doubt in his abilities. 

Throughout his downhill cruise, I was actually very worried throughout.. But I tried to keep it cool while remaining mindful in case something happens. 

Best case, they succeed and you celebrate with them! Worst case, they fall. And when they do.. 

3. When they fall: Support and encourage, don't scold or sympathize - and NEVER laugh at them. 

When kids suffer difficult situations like falling down, they immediately looked to the supervising adult and observe our reactions. 

Our reaction in that split second can determine how our child will respond in moments of Adversity. Do we want to make them feel battered, traumatised, or humiliated? 

Or do we want them to pick themselves up and try again? 

Hint: it isn't by giving them another "I-told-you-so" lecture. 

When Muawiyah fell down on his first try, another uncle passing by just stared at Muawiyah, with a shocked look of concern on his face. 

Based on past experience, I knew, that in that moment, if I was to show excessive concern or sympathy, he could cry and feel demotivated from trying again. 

My response was to walk up to him, sit down beside him, assess the damage, and calmly ask, "wow, that was really fast. Did it hurt? Are you okay?" 

For a moment, he was a bit confused, then searched his body for any signs of injury. We cleaned the dirt and grass from his hands, feet and clothes, and said "jom kita baca doa (let's make du'aa), you'll feel better insha Allah then we can try again okay?"

Then I put my hand where it hurt, and recited:

بسم الله الذي لا يضر مع اسمه شيء في الأرض ولا في السماء وهو السميع العليم 

Half-way Through reading it, he continued reciting and completing the du'aa himself, with a subtle visible smile coming back to his face. 

(At that moment, I knew he was okay 😁)

Then he rushed to get up, said "feel better!", then picked up his bike in eagerness to try again, like a boss. 

After the first failed attempt, I was hesitant to allow him.. But reminding myself on point #1, he believed in himself, and as a father, I need to believe in him! 

4. Teach them when they are calm - during the moments when their emotional sides are flaring up when they are crying or emotional, their rational minds pretty much shut down from receiving information or learning new things. What we want to do is teach them when they feel better again. While Muawiyah was pushing his bike up the hill in preparation for round 2, we talked about what happened and debriefed the first attempt.. "tadi Muawiyah fell down" Then he began curiously asking "Kenapa Muawiyah falll down?" 

Then I described "when Muawiyah was scared, Muawiyah turn left and right macam tu, then Muawiyah fall down". 

Then the solution: "next time, when Muawiyah feel scared, Muawiyah don't turn left and right okay. Just put your feet down and brake slowly okay, like this" (demonstrate) 

This video was that second attempt, as he effectively applies his "brakes" this time around! 

5. Be present, in mind and soul - I noticed that the moment I begin focusing on my phone while he is playing, I immediately sense him feeling disinterested from trying again, sometimes even "bored" and wanting to go home.

Children can feel when we aren't "with them". It's important we provide them with the psychological comfort that they feel that they are supported and we got their back.  

6. Nurturing Trust - As a parent, the most satisfying part is when they grow in our presence. Not to solve their problems for them. But instead, to give them the confidence and assurance that we can be a trustworthy pillar of support to be there for them, as they challenge their limits and grow. 

You can apply that same principle in any sphere of coaching: Leadership, teaching, mentoring. 

The key to developing grit and a growth mindset in our organizations isn't to "dumb things down" or deliberately make things easy. But rather, it is done by creating an atmosphere that others feel psychologically safe environment to try out new things and challenge their limits, knowing that they are supported, and are not being penalized or traumatized if they don't (yet) succeed in their attempts.

"Abah dah kena COVID19!"

 

Muawiyah threw this ball at me and said,

"Abah dah kena COVID19" 🤣

Apparently, watching the covid news reports every day with the virus molecule in the background had planted the idea that "this is what COVID-19 looks like".

If this was the effect of a 2-minute report over dinner, imagine what else our children subconsciously pick up through our interactions with them every day.

Teaching our children hifz (memorization) of the Qur'an: what we have learnt (so far)

 

One of the things we made a clear intention to focus on our child was to instill a practice of memorizing Qur’an, even in infancy. We were deeply inspired by many others who achieved great feats at such a young age, and we wanted to try for ourselves. 

Our challenge was, aside from the general encouragement and theoretical resources available, there were very few practical guides out there how to do so for toddlers below the age of 5 who could not yet read alphabets.

So here is a summary of 6 main lessons of what we have implemented and learnt so far in our Hifz journey, based on our efforts with our 3-year old little man, Muawiyah.

Feel free to share (and suggest more!) if you find this beneficial.

1. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Then repeat again.

My wife insisted that we keep reciting to him, even while he was 1-year old and could not comprehend speech. For the longest time, I didn’t think that we had much effect. Until one fine day when he was just before the age of 2, while he was playing with his toys in his bathtub by himself, he suddenly said out of nowhere:

 تَبَّتْ يَدَا أَبِي لَهَبٍ وَتَبَّ

We couldn’t believe our ears! Of all the things we recite, he recites that one first. It was then we realized it with our own ears: Children’s minds absorb like a sponge - even if it doesn't seem like it! They are always learning, subconsciously. 

Caveat: Just like a sponge, they can absorb a lot, very quickly. But just as a sponge doesn't hold water for very long, they can lose their memorization very quickly too!

The Prophet ﷺ said, “the parable of one who knows the Qur'an by heart is as the parable of an owner of hobbled camel. If he remains vigilant, he will retain it; and if he neglects it, it will go away." (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

If this was true for us adults, how much more important is it to repeat for our dear little ones, who do not yet appreciate the importance and beauty of the Qur’an!

At the end of the day, there is no secret sauce. The key to memorization is repetition. Again, and again, and again.  

As 3-year olds cannot read yet, their learning is almost entirely seeing and listening. So, make sure they really get a healthy dose of Qur'an in their daily life! 

2. Make it fun and satisfying! 

I remember coming across a study about habits, that the key to habits isn’t JUST about repetition. The key is the emotion behind the repetitions: that’s what makes it stick (or repelled!)

When we train our toddlers to memorize Qur’an, we need to try and associate that with positive emotions and feelings. 

After all, even for us adults, part of the reason people sometimes shy away from learning Qur'an is that the experience is often associated with "spotting mistakes" or “being punished”, which makes people very uncomfortable. 

At a toddler's age, we cannot afford to allow them to associate negative emotions with Qur’an. 

In practice, this means: do not make quran "a chore". Show enjoyment as you Recite together.

As much as possible, I try to prioritize positive reinforcement over accuracy. “Catch them doing things right”, as some parenting coaches would say. Celebrate the little wins: Whenever they recite a new ayah, they got a Qalqalah right, finished a surah, seal it with positive vibes like “yay!”, “well done!”, high fives and visible happiness. 

As toddlers still in development of their speech faculties, we need to bear with patience as they make mistakes in pronunciation. We don’t have to keep correcting them (as this sometimes also creates negative experience of frustration), just keep repeating as they mature their speech – eventually they begin figuring out the nuances in our makhraj, and as they grow emotionally mature, we can learn correcting them more directly bit by bit. 

Also, as we steer them away from music and need to fill in that void of our natural fitrah to love listening to beautiful sounds, try to also recite with nice melody, and get children used to listening to some beautiful Recitations from famous Qari. 

Let’s get them to love Mishary, Sudais, Al-Hudhaifi and Al-Ghamidi instead of K-Pop!

3. Create memorable moments and memories of their memorization with us

Contrary to popular perception, memorizing Qur’an doesn’t have to be like sitting down in front of the mushaf, facing the Qiblah, etc. In fact, as far as I can recall, I have never memorized in that manner with Muawiyah. We will always recite together while doing an activity, mostly everyday stuff.

About twice a week, I will take him out for a walk immediately after he wakes up, while repeating the same surahs. The intent here is to raise him with notable memories that he would recite Qur'an with his father while talking a morning walk. 

But beyond that, we recite Qur'an while he plays his trucks, airplanes, Lego and other toys to create a positive association of happy childhood memories with the sounds of the book of Allah. 

It’s interesting to observe that sometimes it might seem like they aren’t playing attention amidst their imaginative dialogue, rumbling and tumbling – but you will be surprised at how active their subconscious memories are, that it still actively registers things even without them putting mindful effort into it. Many times we were caught by surprise by some random ayah that he just recites out of nowhere – turns out he WAS listening to us!

4. Focus on efforts, not results 

Will Muawiyah remember these moments when he grows up? Will he still retain these memorization when he is 7 years old? 

I have no idea. This isn't our place to judge. Our place is to put in the work. 

The beautiful thing is, as Muslims we know that none of our efforts will be wasted, if we do our best (ref: surah Al-Kahf, ayah 30). Even if we don't see the reward here, we will surely see it in the Hereafter!

So, don’t get caught up about KPI's (“must memorize so-and-so juz by so-and-so age) or peer pressure of other children achieving such. It’s not about showing off your children’s achievements as a trophy for other parents; rather, it’s about earning the pleasure of Allah and leaving behind a positive legacy even after we die, insha Allah!

Just keep teaching, repeating. Trust the process, and insha Allah the results will come. 

And for the record: Yes, it can feel mundane, repeating the same basic surah again and again. But let's not forget that firstly, the Prophet ﷺ said, "Allah will not get tired until you get tired" (Al-Bukhari)

Secondly, you will receive ten rewards of every letter recited, anyway! 

5. Make it satisfying for us too! 

To supplement our own connection with the book of Allah, what we can do is to learn the Tafsir for these basic surah so that as you repeat them, you can do tadabbur (reflection) as your are repeating it with your child. The more you recite, the more meaningful it can get!

6. Nurturing Love of the Qur'an starts with the parents 

Parents often wonder: “How do we build the love for Qur’an in our children?”

The way I see it, it always boils down to this: If we want to instill in our children the Love for anything, WE need to love it first. 

There is no secret backdoor. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, it all comes back to the tried and true clichés: Lead by example. Actions speak louder than words. 

Let your passion for the Qur’an be infectious. 

There is nothing quite as satisfying and beautiful as witnessing our child recite Qur’an. The most heartwarming moments of our daily life are those moments that whenever Muawiyah is sitting by himself in a good mood, he murmurs passages of the Qur'an. 

He doesn't sing nursery rhymes, children's songs, or some theme and tagline from a random cartoon. 

Quran is his nursery rhyme. 

I expect it will not be easy to sustain as he grows up and gets more and more exposed to other stuff in different environments (one word: cartoons), but if these recent develops are any indication, we take a lot of comfort and assurance from Allah, knowing that it is indeed achievable, if we put in the conscious effort to sustain, and improve upon it – insha Allah.

That’s it from us! Hope these tips will be helpful. 

Please share your experience and your tips! 

And if you have any advice for us in the years to come.

May Allah make us and our children amongst the People of Qur’an

Allahumma barik

Sustainability Mindset: Continuous improvement, not disrespect

 

We should always plant the sincere intention to improve and do BETTER than the environment that we were in. And this applies in any social context: parenting, organizations, teams, even friendships.

And we do so, not out of disrespect to the previous generations, our parents, "forefathers", teachers or leadership. Rather, we do so out of the desire to improve.

Sometimes, the tendency is to view "rectification" as taboo, as it inherently means we are subconsciously highlighting their mistakes and therefore disrespecting them. It would be easier to "respect tradition" and continue on the same thing… even if they are obviously wrong or outdated.

But instead, we should change our outlook: We approach it with the positive thoughts that our predecessors were merely doing their best, given the limitations that they had and what was relevant during their era. They make mistakes, just as we do. 

In fact, our intention is to improve and build upon the work they have done, by respecting and complementing any great contributions, actively acknowledging we are prone to making mistakes too!

For example, if we see company documents, guidelines or current ways of working are outdated or have glaring errors, we don't have to judge or disrespect them for being negligent, incompetent or “a failure”. Just be professional about it: Objectively identify the shortcomings, rectify whatever we can and move on! 

If we are in a position to set the tone in our environment, seize the opportunity to be the change that we want to see. Don’t fall into the trap of intending tit-for-tat and repeating the “doom loop” out of a sense of revenge. When will the organization ever change?

Besides, if we are sincere, wouldn't we want our succeeding generations to have a mindset of rectification and sustainability? Wouldn't we eventually be "forefathers" too? And when we do, wouldn’t we love to see our contributions blossom into something greater?

I would want to create a great working environment, with the hopes that when my colleagues become leaders, they could make it even better.

Even in parenting: I want to give my son the best childhood that he can get, but at the same time, I also know I'm not perfect, so who am I trying to fool? So, respectfully, if there are areas you can do better when you become a husband and father someday, yes please do - tafaddhol, Muawiyah! 

And if we speak about organizations - or even families, as a small piece of a larger picture of the community - we should think big picture: It's not about us. It's about supporting something and advancing a cause bigger than ourselves.

And that mindset the Qur'an teaches us:

"Verily! Allah will not change the state of a people, until they first change what is in themselves" (Surah Ar-Ra'd 13:11)

Our #Parenting Response to Injuries and Accidents

This picture was taken a split second before Muawiyah fell into the bushes down below, after swinging out his arms to make fun of me telling him to “be careful, Little Man!”.

How we respond to our child’s experiences in handling accidents, injuries and falls? 

I noticed that whenever accidents happen, children instinctively turn to adults and observe the adult’s response. Before I became a parent myself, I often wondered, what is the best way to respond?

Making mistakes and falling are part and parcel of life, especially in the process of learning. Whether we realize it or not, our response in these unexpected incidents – of multiple incidents spread across the course of their childhood – plays a vital role in teaching them important life lessons in shaping their personalities and attitudes that carry well into their adulthood.

I realized that the typical response of parents is either one of three: attack, sympathize or ignore. So, which one works best?

Turns out that, all three responses have major flaws to them. 

There is a fourth, option which works best (well, at least in my understanding): Listen & Encourage. Be present, investigate, listen, treat if necessary, and encourage them to get up like a champ.

Let’s break down the 4 approaches:

1. Attack – As the phrase “insult to injury”, this one adds salt to the wound by scolding the child for their mistake. This response can potentially leave them traumatized and emotionally scarred, shaping them to conceal their faults, fear asking for help, or worse yet, resort to “trying things out” (i.e. misbehaving) in our absence. They could be raised in their childhood thinking they are defective, menace, or a “problem child” that inflicts pain to their parents, teachers and guardians. 

The consequences almost sound criminal, right? Unfortunately, many parents do this upon instinct in the heat of the moment, in our frustration when they don’t listen to us. We lecture them, reiterating statements such as “I told you…”, “why don’t you listen to me”, or the biggest offender of all: “what is wrong with you?!” or “why are you so naughty?!”

2. Sympathize – Upon accident, we immediately express concerns with deep sympathy and (often times) panic with exaggerated concerns or bombarding them with excessive questioning (e.g. “tell me where it hurts! Show me!”). Interestingly, this makes the child cry even more. I personally have witnessed many instances where children fall, look confused, but the second that mom starts panicking, the child bursts into tears!

Firstly, sometimes our panicked response itself creates a traumatizing sense of anxiety in the child. They aren’t crying because of the pain, but because of the flood of anxiety, confusion, and physical pain start mixing up, pushing them into tears.

Secondly, although on one hand, this response does clearly demonstrate our love and concern for their safety and well-being, our exaggerated response may also have the inadvertent negative consequences of depriving the child from developing grit and resilience: to keep trying if they fail, and that “it is okay to make mistakes”.

Ever heard the Malay expression that "tak nak mak ayah risau?" (I don't want Mom and Dad to be concerned)

Because our over-protective response of panic paints this as a tragedy that should be avoided, the emotionally sensitive child may not want to cause grief or worry to their parents, and therefore they may learn to avoid taking risks, so they don’t disappoint their parents, who they might care deeply for.

We have to be aware that Children are intelligent enough to adapt to fulfill their emotional needs, so our extra concern might shape their behavior in other subconscious ways: the child may use accidents as an opportunity to deliberately gain closeness to their parents. It feels good to be cared for, right? Perhaps, if I get hurt, I can get some sympathy and a free hug!

3. Ignore – nothing much to this one. Just turn away, as if nothing happened. Dismiss the pain, or tell them “it’s nothing” or that “it’s okay”. In a nasty turn of events, this is sometimes done in combo with option #1 above by attacking them, telling them to “suck it up”, “stop being such a cry baby” or that “boys shouldn’t cry”. 

Needless to say, this kind of response would leave the child feeling unloved or not cared for. What it *can* potentially do, is allow the child to learn resilience by themselves. However, without the ‘safety net’ of emotional security in the form of loving attention from their parents, after multiple tragedies, the child may end up feeling abandoned and alone, and therefore the fear of isolation could suppress the child’s ability to develop resilience. 

4. Listen & encourage – Be present, investigate, listen, treat if necessary, and encourage them to get up like a champ. 

In this method, the parent plays close attention to the child, making it clear that we are there for them. Because we are unaware of the extent of the incident, or the injury, the parent pays close attention to the emotional and physical state of the child, if there are any pain signals that demand attention, or if they are just minor falls which are a part of the learning process.

Most of the time, my first verbal response would be to ask, in the most casual and friendly tone “you alright, Little Man?” and wait for his feedback. 90% of the time, he will pick himself back up, start smiling, and resume his adventures.

But if he still pauses, I follow up with another casual “does it hurt? Ada luka ke?”. If he cries, give him a hug until he calms down, before (or if it looks severe, hug him WHILE simultaneously) we look for any signs of injury.

And if everything is fine again, we keep moving forward with an encouraging “oh, that didn’t work” or “let’s try that again!”

We teach the child to learn the natural consequences of their actions, develop grit by learning from mistakes and, through our actions, subconsciously teach them that we love them and want what is best for them!

Our response in this usually-2-minute-scenario might seem like a “small matter” - but imagine how many times children make mistakes throughout their childhood (or even, in a day!).

So, what behavior are we shaping in our children?

What do you think? Disagree with anything I said above? Pls comment and share: Would love to hear from you!

"Abah tak boleh main toys Muawiyah!" - A parenting reflection: Pick Your Battles

While our 3-year-old Muawiyah was playing with his toy cars and monster trucks, narrating his imaginary stories, I decided to sit down with him and play with him. I held one of his monster trucks and started moving it along as he played.

Suddenly, he screamed and yelled at me, "Abah tak boleh main Muawiyah punya car!" and immediately burst out crying. 

I froze in disbelief. What just happened? 

In that moment, his response left me shocked and annoyed at the seemingly "ungrateful" response of his father genuinely attempting to spend quality time with him. 

But Alhamdulillah, before my fight-or-flight defensive mechanism kicks in, the voice in my head again reminded me: 

"Stay calm. Remember your training". 

This was it. Another defining parenting moment. What do you want from this situation? What do we want our child to learn? What kind of father do you want to be? 

My response: Apologize and hug. 

"I am sorry, Muawiyah. Abah didn't know that abah cannot play with that car". 

He continued crying for a while, then I stretched out my arms to offer a consoling hug. 

He eventually hugged me, cried it out, and calmed down. 

After those turbulent few minutes (that felt like hours!), we then resumed playing and having fun. 

Here are five major lessons I learnt from this one, seemingly simple day-to-day parenting struggle:

1. Respecting their boundaries, so they can learn to respect ours 

2. Pick your battles: you don't have to win all of them 

3. Apologizing: modelling behavior 

4. It's okay for children to cry

5. Demonstrate Unconditional love through your actions

1. Respect their boundaries, so they can learn to respect ours

In his world and perception, Muawiyah has defined his own set of rules. When I touched his monster truck, it upset the storyline and pre-defined rules of his game. (In my defence, I wasn’t aware of the rules… but really, this wasn’t the time and place to bring that up 🤣)

Letting them win arguments - giving them the freedom to say "no" - instills them with self-confidence, and builds trust knowing that their opinions matter to us. 

In the book "Raising Good Humans", author Hunter Clarke-Fields writes:

"Because your child will learn that she can trust you to treat her with respect and consideration, so she will authentically want to cooperate with you.

From infancy, we are teaching our children how to treat others by the way we treat them. How we respond to our children on a moment-to-moment basis creates a pattern that our children may follow for a lifetime. Therefore, the onus is on us to behave the way we want our children to behave. 

You may have seen a parent yelling at a child to be quiet (or you may have had such a moment yourself). Our kids see right through this hypocrisy. If we want our children to learn to be kind and respectful to others (including us), then we must demonstrate kindness and respect. If we want our kids to consider others’ needs, then we must show them that we truly consider their needs. If we want them to be polite, then we have to consider our own use of courteous words with our children. We must treat our children how we ourselves want to be treated. We should behave as we want them to behave. 

It’s so simple — and NOT easy at all!"

2. Pick your battles: you don't have to win all of them!

I realized that by describing this, I may come off to some parents as "weak" and to allow him to "get away with disrespect". 

Empathizing with the child's perspective, he didn't mean to disrespect me. Just upset because my actions didn't follow his "rules". 

There is a difference in apologizing or turning away because we "surrender", and apologizing with the conscious intention to achieve a greater good. 

One thing I have learnt, is that parenting is like a long negotiation process. The key to effective parenting that invites genuine cooperation - without resorting to punishment, bribes, or forcing them down their throat by flexing your muscles of authority - is INFLUENCE. And sometimes, to create a perception of fairness, this means allowing them to “win” every once in a while.

In the long journey of parenting, there are two categories of disagreements: trivial battles which we don't have to win, or the non-negotiable ones which we cannot compromise.

So which category does "his world of toys" falls in? 

Let them have it! 

Let the child win the battles that don't matter, so they are more willing to cooperate in the battles that do matter most. 

3. Apologizing: modelling positive behavior 

Ever come across those co-workers or bosses who refuse to apologize, even when there are actions which are clearly flat-out mistakes? 

Among the clear parenting decisions that we made raising Muawiyah is that we would like to model the habit of owning up and taking responsibilities for our mistakes. And that would include mindfully saying "sorry" and making amends.

What we also want to lead by example is that as parents is a key component of the Growth Mindset: we are not perfect or infallible. We are also trying to figure it out. We make mistakes, just as they do. And we want to improve, just as we want them too!

Here is an interesting excerpt from the book "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen:

"Have you ever noticed how forgiving children are when we are willing to apologize? Have you ever said you were sorry to a child? If so, how did that child respond? I ask this question during lectures all over the world, and the response is universal. When adults sincerely apologize, children almost always say, “That’s okay, Mom” (or Dad, or Teacher). Children can be feeling angry and resentful in response to disrespectful behavior one minute (and adults probably deserve it) and switch to total forgiveness as soon as the adult says, “I am sorry.”

When adults take responsibility for what they did to create a conflict (and any conflict takes at least two), children are usually willing to follow this modeling and take responsibility for their part. Children learn accountability when they have models of accountability."

4. It's okay for children to cry

The first few years of a child's life are the most crucial phase of emotional growth. To allow them to have an emotionally healthy childhood and upbringing, we need to allow them the room to express themselves - and that includes bearing some uncomfortably loud outbursts from time to time.

As a rule, I never tell Muawiyah to stop crying. At best, I would force myself to bear patiently with the noise; at worst, I would peacefully walk away so I don't explode.

I'm not going to sugar coat here - Muawiyah cries a lot, as I expect toddlers would. But as parents, we have the emotional upper hand. We can shape ourselves to be the source of their comfort in their times of need, instead of someone else (remember this as they become teenagers!)

"As parents we need to expect and accept children’s difficult emotions. Just like adults, when kids block and repress emotions, those feelings pop out in potentially destructive ways.

Don’t tell children not to cry. Crying is a cathartic release for all children, and when they are done, they feel better. Phrases aimed toward boys like “Don’t be a mama’s boy” or “Be a man” may seem relatively harmless, but such words tell boys that they can’t show their feelings." ("Raising Good Humans")

5. Demonstrate Unconditional love through your actions

When I stretched out my arms to offer him a hug, I realize I was taking a vulnerable, emotional risk: I wasn't sure that he would embrace, reject, or outright hit me in the face!

At the moment he screamed at me, I realized that I could have just walked away peacefully. And that probably wouldn't have harmed his childhood because I would do so out of the sincere intention to teach him that his father has a sense of self-respect and that he needs to learn to self-regulate - to "cool it off" - if he wants his father's affection again. 

But I thought about how this emotionally immature 3-year old would have processed and misinterpreted that reaction.. Had I left him alone in this moment of intense expression, he might feel abandoned and alone. He might subconsciously learn that he isn't worth his father's patience. 

What if I took an even higher ground: to display unconditional love? What if, I could, through my actions, demonstrate that he can always count on someone - at least, his father - to be his emotional pillar of support to openly express his emotions and provide him with compassion in his moments of need, even if his father was the victim of his outburst? 

What if I could lead by example and model forgiveness?

It was a risk worth taking.. and it paid off!

6. Patience & Emotional Resilience

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, "The strong person is not the one who overcomes others with his physical strength; rather, the truly strong person is the one who controls himself when he is angry" (Al-Bukhari) 

The entire process can break down the moment we lose our cool and become emotionally compromised. 

From an emotional regulation standpoint as parents, in situations like these, the "easy" path would have been to shout back and flex our muscles of authority (e.g. "because I am your mother", or "look, I am your father! #StarWarsReference"). But doing so would turn the situation into a power struggle and teach the child that "your voice does not matter".

Imagine the impact of doing so repeatedly throughout their childhood. How will that impact their self-esteem to make a positive difference to the world? 

It would have been easy to dismiss their feelings or laugh at them for being upset at (what appears to us to be) such a trivial matter. 

But any of these would, by our actions, model disrespect.

As parents, we have the emotional high ground to decide how we want to shape our children’s thoughts and behaviors. 

So, what are you modelling with your little ones when confronting their difficult behavior?

Share your thoughts!

Spilled juice - A Defining parenting moment

 

Recently, while our 3-year old boy Muawiyah got excited in his storytelling and happily waved his hands, he clumsily knocked over his glass of juice, spilling the floor. 

At the moment it happened, I was upset and let out a grunt of frustration.

Then Muawiyah looked me in the eye… waiting in anticipation, what his Abah will do next and how he will respond. I could see there was a whole mix of emotions in his eyes - curiosity, guilt, regret, fear, anxiety.

Then, in that split second, I thought to myself: This was a defining "parenting moment" - what outcome would I want from this? What kind of father do I want to be? 

I felt there was almost an imaginary mentor on my shoulder, telling me - "remember your training". Control your emotions. Don’t let your flight-or-flight response trigger the "easiest" way out.  Remember what you read about in those parenting books. 

Situations like these present excellent opportunities for both parties - the child and the parents - to learn and develop together. 

When our child spills something on the floor, our immediate "automatic" impulse would have been to scold the child and clean the mess ourselves. But this would deprive them from owning up to the consequences of their actions, and at the same time harm their self-esteem by demonstrating intolerance for mistakes. 

But.. what about the other alternative? Just let them off the hook? Do we have to just accept that we are punching bags that have to clean up the aftermath of all their mistakes?

Turns out, there is a better, lesser known, third way: Lovingly teach them to own up the consequences. 

Remembering techniques I learnt from the book "Positive Discipline", I responded, "Oh no.. You spilt the juice Muawiyah! It’s a mess! Now we have to clean up!" 

I then went to get some tissue and cloth for him to clean it up.

Sounds simple enough, right? But there are a few details to make this effective: 

1. Resist the urge to swoop in to “save” them - The idea here is to teach the child responsibility, so this requires your patience more so than theirs! Inevitably, they will do a sloppy job. This guy was wasting tissues and doing such a slow job. It's tempting to just declare "ah it's okay, I'll do it" and clean up the mess ourselves; but doing so would have robbed our child of the opportunity to learn and grow, especially in rectifying problems. 

2. Sit down with him while he does it - As parents, sometimes, when we get upset, we give instructions, then we leave them and go do something else. This creates a lot of frustration and regret. Instead, employ the "be firm but kind" approach - sit down with them. Let them see that we aren’t upset with them and we are together with them to teach them. 

We can choose to do it together too, but do it in such a way that shows that we are doing it because we are helping the child, not because we are taking away the responsibility. 

3. Keep it friendly – After the first grunt of frustration, I made sure that I kept a friendly conversational tone throughout our interaction, making it clear I wasn’t angry or upset with him personally. 

At the end of the day, if we want to instill grit and a growth mindset, what we want to teach the child is, "it's okay to make mistakes. We just have to clean up sometimes. And that's not so bad. In fact, it can be quite fun." 

It was tempting to lecture and nag him for these silly mistakes. Yet if we do that, it will only cause him stress which won’t rectify the problem anyway. We might lose the big picture of the lesson: To build that trusting, loving two-way relationship as we teach discipline to our child.

4. Finish the job - Because of his overall sloppiness and inefficiency of the cleanup, after a few boring and mundane minutes, he quickly declared "I'm done! Nak main toys!". Again, I have to hold the fort, and playfully say, "oh, you're not done, Muawiyah! You still have to clean up that part. Would you like Abah to help you do it together?"

After a while resuming his cleaning, again he declared "Nak main toys!", which annoyed me a bit, because it seemed that he was purposely doing a lousy job to drive me to frustration to get his quick ticket out. Hold the fort, Abah, remember your training. We stuck to it, and eventually, I took a different negotiating strategy: 

"yeah Abah pun nak main toys with Muawiyah. Okay, I’ll tell you what: After we finish cleaning then we go play toys together okay?"

“Okay!” 

Then we kept at it until we were done. 

This seems like an unnecessarily long writeup about a typical parenting challenge in a day - what can I say, I am an Engineer by profession - but this one scenario taught me a lot as a father and educator: To be firm, but kind. To teach discipline, with love and respect. To teach responsibility while building trust.

What looks like "simple" actions on the surface, and theoretically "easy" on paper, is actually a lot more challenging in practice, and demands a lot of patience up to the end. 

As the parent, we have the upper hand to set the classroom tone and environment for our children in the school of life. So, what environment are you creating? 

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, "Ar-Rahman (The Most Merciful) showers his rahmah (Love and mercy) to those who act with rahmah. 

Have love and mercy for those on the Earth, and the One in the heaven will have love and Mercy for you" (At-Tirmidzi)

Quran is a Cure: “Yet why am I not feeling the effects?”

 

وَنُنَزِّلُ مِنَ الْقُرْءَانِ مَا هُوَ شِفَآءٌ وَرَحْمَةٌ لِّلْمُؤْمِنِينَ وَلاَ يَزِيدُ الظَّـلِمِينَ إَلاَّ خَسَارًا 

“And We Reveal the Qur'an that which is a cure and a mercy to the believers; but it increases the wrongdoers in nothing but loss.” (Surah Al-Isra’ 17:82)

The word used by Allah is “Shifa” (شِفَآءٌ) meaning a CURE; Allah did not describe at as medicine (دواء  / dawa’). Why?

Because if it is a medicine, if you take it, there is a chance that you will be cured or not be cured. But by describing it as a cure, Allah gives us assurance that it will definitely have a curing effect, if we apply it correctly. 

What does it cure against? Ibn Kathir mentioned in his tafsir, “meaning that it takes away whatever is in their hearts of doubt, hypocrisy, Shirk, confusion and inclination towards falsehood. The Qur'an cures all of that.”

But beyond spiritual diseases, the Qur’an is also an effective cure for other diseases of the heart such as laziness, arrogance, ostentation (riyaa), envy, fear, anxiety, sadness, cowardice, anger, and obsession for the dunya; in fact, the Qur’an is also a cure for some physical diseases, as indicated authentic hadith of the Prophet ﷺ.

And so, this ayah reminds us that, whenever we recite the Qur’an, in addition to the intention for blessings or seeking knowledge, we should also make a clear intention and du’aa to Allah that the recitation becomes a means of spiritual, emotional and physical healing for us!

Now, one might ask, “why is it when I recite the Qur’an and I am not experiencing the effects? Why am I nowhere closer to being cured?” 

Just as some of the most effective medicines, the reason why sometimes they don’t have an effect on us, are either one of four things: 

Either they are not the “correct” medicine for us; the dosage is insufficient; the medicine isn’t taken correctly in methods as prescribed; or that we are impatient – the healing has yet to take effect in a way that we can observe. 

1. They are not the “correct” medicine for us?

The effectiveness of certain medicines will depend on the specific conditions of a patient. Allah provides guarantee that the Qur’an works as a cure لِّلْمُؤْمِنِينَ  for believers – those with iman. 

And so for those who have iman, if the Qur’an doesn’t have an effect on us, then perhaps it is a reminder from Allah to view it from a Growth Mindset perspective to re-examine our deeds: Perhaps it could be our sins that are holding back? This ayah is a reminder for us to check ourselves, turn to Him in repentance, increase in our good deeds, and abandon sinful behaviors to allow the Qur’an to take root in our hearts to improve its effectiveness.

Also, there is another, important detail in this ayah: وَلاَ يَزِيدُ الظَّـلِمِينَ إَلاَّ خَسَارًا – for the disbeliever or skeptics who attack or doubt the Qur’an, it will not be a mercy or a cure, but in fact only make them more arrogant in their disbelief. 

Ibn Kathir says, “This is only for those who believe in it and accept it as truthful, it is a cure and a mercy only for such people. As for the disbeliever who is wronging himself by his disbelief, when he hears the Qur'an, it only makes him further from the truth and increases him in his disbelief. The problem lies with the disbeliever himself, not with the Qur'an"

“And whenever there comes down a Surah, some of them (hypocrites) say: "Which of you has had his faith increased by it'' As for those who believe, it has increased their faith, and they rejoice. But as for those in whose hearts is a disease, it will add suspicion and doubt to their suspicion, disbelief and doubt; and they die while they are disbelievers.” (Surah At-Taubah 9:124-125)

2. Insufficient dosage

The Qur’an isn’t just a once-off vaccine jab; it’s a constant companion and reference to be guiding us throughout our lives! Just as we cannot expect to flick a switch to get rid of all the diseases of the heart, likewise, applying the Qur’an as a cure is a lifetime commitment. 

There is an interesting authentic narration in sunan At-Tirmidzi, whereby a person suffered a stomach ailment, and the Prophet ﷺ prescribed honey. When he consumed the honey, he came back and complained that it got worse. Then the Prophet once again described honey. Then he came back and complained again: and again, the Prophet prescribed more honey. THEN he was cured! Scholars commented this hadith saying that the man was not consuming the sufficient dose – and only on the third time when he took more, did he get cured. 

Also, it is worth noting that different people have different “triggers” on which verses or surah from the Qur’an that deeply impacts them, personally. The same was true even for the righteous predecessors and companions of the Prophet ﷺ; for example, one companion loved surah Al-Ikhas (Qul huwAllahu Ahad) so much that he recited it in every rakaah. In one narration, the opening verses of surah Ta-Ha had softened and affected the heart of Umar ibn Al-Khattab so much that he embraced Islam. And Fudhail bin Iyad, the highway robber criminal who once had an intention to commit zina with a woman, until he heard the recitation of a verse from Surah Al-Hadid:  "Has the time not come for those who have believed that their hearts should become humbly submissive at the remembrance of Allah...". This immediately made him rethink his life, repent completely and change to be the scholar we have come to know and love. 

Perhaps we are still in need of putting more effort to learn and discover our own personal gems!

3. The medicine isn’t taken correctly in methods as prescribed 

Maybe we are not upholding or adhering to the commandments of those verses we are reciting. Perhaps we are still falling short of implementing the rulings of tajwid in our recitation.

Or, perhaps we are still lacking in knowledge and understanding of the recitation for the lessons to have an impact to our hearts and mind; hence perhaps that is why the recitation feels like a mechanical, lifeless ritual which we feel is “boring” and that we only practice in Ramadhan. 

We need to put in effort to build a relationship with the Qur'an, in order to cultivate the Love for it in our hearts. The righteous predecessors of the past used to Love the Qur’an – they would recite it in Night Prayers with such deep reflection and engagement to the extent that they wouldn’t even realize that they were hurt while being hit with an arrow. A level of engagement that even hardcore gamers don’t attain!

4. We are impatient and hasty – the healing has yet to take effect in a way that we can observe.

Just like any health and fitness program, it may take time and a continuous application before you observe any results, you need to be patient, remain steadfast and trust the process. In fact, many of the times, the results will already be there; it’s just that we have been looking in the wrong places and having the wrong expectations of what it should actually be (e.g. over-reliance on measuring “weight” only!)

Since much of our diseases are a cumulative effect of what we have seen, heard and experienced throughout our lives – including that which we watch on television and the internet – then we need to allow the cumulative effect of Qur’an to take place to cleanse away the toxic effects of our past sins. 

Just keep building your relationship with the Qur’an, and put your Trust in Allah, الشَّافِي Ash-Shafi – Who Assured the Qur’an as a Cure!

Caring for Our Mental Health: Practice Empathy with our leaders and those above us, too!

 

In the recent Leadership townhall, one of the striking highlights of the Leadership Team (LT) conversation was the President’s own personal experience among the LT. After emphasizing  the need to care for the mental health of our team, someone in the leadership team – among the must “unexpected”, manlier ones – personally talked to the President and asked him,
“Tengku, are you okay? Was that a cry for help?”

And he remarked much it meant to him and how appreciative he was for the gesture.

It was striking to me that he shared to us that #bromance interaction. In our constant barking that our leaders “need to have more empathy”, we forget that they are human beings with emotions too.
Perhaps, our leaders themselves, they too, are struggling and stressed out to find the best way to navigate these tough and uncertain times, in addition to their already heavy responsibility of those under their care.
Perhaps, it is even MORE difficult on them, to be vulnerable and reach out to seek for help, as their credibility might be on the line?
How would you feel, when you are struggling and simultaneously receive endless barrage of insensitive criticism? 

In the same way that we hate for gratitude to be weaponized against us when others yell “you should be grateful!”, in that same way too we shouldn’t just weaponize “they need to have empathy” and then we ourselves not practice empathy for them!
This isn’t only an entitlement mindset, but also borderline hypocrisy.

“Do you command righteousness of other people and yet you yourselves forget, while you recite the Scripture?
Do you not think?” (Al-Baqarah 2:44)

I can’t help but feel the same way about our leaders when people relentlessly chanting out #KerajaanGagal. It’s easy for us to point out someone’s flaws when we are not in their seats to endure the consequences of their actions (or inaction). It’s easy for us to spew out words of hate and justify it with self-righteous claims that we are criticizing “for the benefit of our children” / “our nation’s future”.

But what if people were to say those same hurtful personal attacks of hate to your own father? Your wife? Your daughter?
Well, who are our leaders, except that they are a father to someone. A husband to someone. A daughter to someone.

There is a huge difference between sincere naseehah and hate speech.

If we want to play our part in making the world a better, more caring and empathetic place, then our empathy has to be applied at all levels, including to those above us, while keeping a clean intention of Naseehah, without allowing it to cloud our objectivity and professional judgment.

One of the best examples of empathy towards their leader is that of the companions – the sahabah – with their leader, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ.
As they witness with their own eyes how their beloved leader is suffering, it trains them to be hopeful and resilient in facing the challenges in their own lives, when they see how their leader copes with his stressful life!
His life was filled with challenges after challenges. The impending threat of War from the Quraysh, Romans, and malicious surrounding tribes; the internal threat of hypocrites and treacherous Jewish tribes.

Even on a personal level, he constantly faced emotionally difficult times. All of his children – except for Fatimah – died in his lifetime, with all his sons dying in infancy or as little children. Can you imagine the sadness of burying your own child? Well, the Prophet did that with his own hands, many times throughout his adult life.
On top of that, living through periods of intense hunger, to the extent of tying stones to his blessed stomach ﷺ to hold off his hunger in spite of being their leader.

And these are only mentioning things on the surface. What makes the aspect of empathy so special about the Prophet ﷺ, is that Allah Himself – the Knower of the Unseen – Reveals the inner feelings and emotions of his beloved Prophet ﷺ.

When he was criticized by the Quraysh, Allah reveals these comforting words: “We know indeed the grief which their words cause you – it is not you they deny, but it is the verses of Allah that the Dzalimun deny” (Al-An’am 6:33)

He had so much compassion and eagerness for people to receive guidance of the truth, to be saved from the Hellfire, that this emotional pain would have caused him to die out of grief: “Perhaps you will destroy yourself out of grief following after them because they did not believe in this speech (i.e. this Qur’an)” (Al-Kahf 18:6)

He would describe that “if you know that which I know, you would be crying a lot and laugh very little." (Al-Bukhari)

YET, in spite of these intense feelings and the constant hardship, the companions would describe that they have never seen anyone smile more than the Prophet ﷺ! Whenever they would see him, he would smile at them: he ﷺ was a walking beacon of optimism to them!
“If this person, in spite of these difficulties, can remain calm AND continue inspiring and motivating others, who am I to complain?” 
It was this recognition – empathy – of his life challenges that was a constant inspiration of loyalty among the companions.

It also brings us a profound lesson to us today: If even a Prophet of Allah could feel hurt by others’ words, and feel so disturbed at his concern for others, then how about us today? How about our leaders? Our bosses? Our Parents?

Aren’t they all in need of a bit of empathy, too?

Caring for Our Mental Health: Practicing Empathy with those under our care

 

In our recent company engagement, I noticed a recurring theme that kept coming up time and time again: is for all leaders to practice EMPATHY and genuinely care for their mental well-being for their staff – a message that was strongly resonated by others in the organization.

I was pleasantly surprised by this dramatic shift in the right direction. The topic of “empathy and caring for those under us” was a message which was rarely ever heard of in the corporate world, prior to the pandemic.

We can all play a major part in shaping a caring, compassionate environment for those under our care to thrive and be at their best! The same too can be applied to our role as parents: leaders in our household.

So, what does “empathy” truly mean, in practice?

After giving it much thought, here are three components on what practicing empathy looks like, to me:

1. Non-judgmental Listening – Leaders need to allow safe space to speak up and LISTEN more; to consciously resist the urge to judge, get defensive, or play the blaming game when people open up.

One of the biggest grievances of self-expression and speaking up is that when people express their frustration, they get told “you just have to manage” (implying that they are incompetent in managing stress); or to have “gratitude” and “patience” weaponized against them (e.g. “You should be thankful!”, “this is the problem with millennials... so impatient”); or when they are confronted with a defensive counter-attack (“You think YOU’RE stressed? What about ME!”); or simply have their feelings trivialized, dismissed or looked down upon. (Parents, take note!)

Sometimes, just being able to express ourselves without being judged, that by itself can be a huge source of relief. Never underestimate the power of active listening!

2. Provide ACTUAL solutions – One principal engineer in our team once complained, “we don’t need people to talk to. We need to resolve this problem of being overworked!”
A little harsh, but to be fair, I do see where she is coming from. I in several past engagements, providing my feedback, getting a neutral, “thanks for the feedback”. Then nothing.

Empathy to listen is one thing (which isn’t easy either – even that alone can require a mountain of patience!) – but the BEST thing leaders can do is to go one step further, and provide tangible solutions: Whether it is to delegate workload, shift deadlines, negotiate flexible working hours in consideration of working parents, work re-distribution to share or reduce workload, add resources. It’s easier said than done, to be sure, but it can make a whole world of difference in staff morale and work motivation.

3. Peel off the Layers – Leaders need to create opportunities to get to know each other better on a personal level, as human beings: Make an effort to understand what motivates us, what we are passionate about. Build in regular communication sessions that allow us to actively develop a healthy, trusting and collaborative working environment for each other as a team, not merely a collective of isolated individuals “with KPIs to meet”. When done right, this by itself can be a huge morale driver that can boost productivity AND team chemistry to collaboratively achieve more. Win-win for the personnel AND the organization!

In my experience, this can also come in handy during professional conflicts. Next time, when we challenge each other professionally, or have to respectfully say “no”, we understand where we are coming from – purely business – recognizing it’s nothing personal. Without solid relationships, it can be difficult to differentiate if people are giving tough love or just being a jerk, especially in a virtual working environment!

Let’s all play our part to practice empathy. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said,
“Those who do not show mercy and compassion, will not be shown mercy and compassion (by Allah)!” (Al-Bukhari)

“The merciful ones: it is they who are shown mercy by Ar-Rahman (The All-Merciful).
Have mercy and compassion to those on Earth, and you will be shown mercy from Who is above the heavens!” (At-Tirmidzi) #whiteflag

"Panjang umur" - Nikmat atau azab? 🤔 #Birthday

 

Antara doa yang selalu diungkapkan di kalangan orang Melayu adalah "semoga panjang umur dan murah rezeki" - doa feveret untuk pengantin, gitew.

Masha Allah, cantik doa ni kan? Fitrah manusia memang sukakan harta dan kesenangan, serta hidup yang lama untuk menikmatinya. Bahkan, bapa kita Nabi Adam pun inginkan hidup abadi, dan mengetahui demikian, Iblis menggunakan ilmu tersebut untuk menarik perhatian Adam untuk scam beliau makan daripada "Pokok abadi" (shajaratul khuld شَجَرَةِ الْخُلْدِ) seperti dalam surah Ta-Ha, ayat 120.

Akan tetapi Islam memberikan perspektif yang lebih berhikmah dan mendalam tentang realiti umur dan harta.
Seorang lelaki bertanya kepada Rasulullah ﷺ, “wahai Rasulullah! Siapakah sebaik-baik manusia?”
Baginda ﷺ bersabda, “Mereka yang umurnya panjang dan amalannya baik”
Dia bertanya lagi, “maka siapakah seburuk-buruk manusia?”
Baginda bersabda, “Mereka yang umurnya panjang dan buruk (jahat) amalannya” (HR Al-Hakim dan At-Tirmizi yang menilainya hasan sahih)

Wow.. seburuk-buruk manusia pun panjang umur gak!? 😱

Iya.. Ini disebut "istidraj" - di mana untuk seorang fasiq yang selalu berdosa dan bermaksiat kepada Allah, maka Allah memberikannya tempoh lebih untuk membuat pilihan untuk mengumpul dosanya di dunia, sebagai hujjah di akhirat kelak. na'udzubillah.

Umur yang panjang hanya akan mendatangkan keberkatan dan kebaikan menjadi sebaik-baik manusia jika digunakan modal "umur" ini - yakni, tempoh hidup di dunia - untuk beramal soleh dan sentiasa perbaiki dirinya.

Bila kita sedar Allah memberi kita tempoh lagi untuk perbaiki amalan kita, sepatutnya memberi kesedaran untuk tepuk dada dan bertanya iman, persoalkan diri kita, "adakah ini petanda Allah sayang aku kerana inginkan aku perbaiki amal solehku? Atau petanda istidraj?

"Hari Jadi" bukanlah satu peristiwa untuk diraikan; bahkan satu lagi peringatan untuk kita mengingatkan matlamat dan hala tuju hidup kita, memperbaiki amal kita. Dan peringatan bahawasanya kematian itu otw: berkurangnya satu tahun lagi tempoh hidup di dunia.

Alang2 dah cerita tentang doa feveret orang Melayu, nak cerita sket pasal "murah rezeki". Hikmah yang sama di atas boleh guna untuk harta, kekayaan, dan semua nikmat Allah yang lain juga, seperti anak. Renungan: Bukankah Fir'aun dan Qarun kaya raya? Malah nama Qarun siap integrate dalam Bahasa Melayu standard, ada simpulan bahasa ada petik namanya lagi bagi kekayaan yang tidak dikenali.. "harta Qarun" katanya, LOL 🤣
Tetapi apakah kesudahan Qarun di dalam Al-Qur'an?

Bukankah Rasulullah ﷺ, manusia yang Allah paling cintai, beliau hidup dalam kondisi hidup yang sangat simple. Aisya menceritakan kadangkala berbulan-bulan api tidak dinyalakan di rumah, langsung tiada masakan, dan mereka hidup hanya dengan kurma dan air. Satu hari, apabila dilihat oleh Umar, Umar menangis melihat tempat kediamannya kerana sedih melihatkan keadaan Nabi Allah, sedangkan pembesar Romawi dan Farsi memiliki kekayaan yang melimpah ruah. Maka beliau berkata kepada Umar, "wahai Umar, tidakkah kau bergembira dan berpuas hati... kerana kenikmatan tersebut adalah untuk mereka di dunia, manakala ianya untuk KITA di akhirat kelak?"
(Masha Allah. Kalaulah wujud microphone pada zaman tersebut, inilah drop-the-mic moment)

Jelas sekali, kekayaan atau panjangnya umur seseorang itu bukanlah semestinya menjadi petanda kebaikan atau sayangnya Allah kepada kita. Yang penting adalah apa yang kita lakukan dengan umur dan harta yang Allah kurniakan kepada kita.

Tapi sat geng... nak cerita best ni, bagi semangat.
Lihat hadith berikut: satu tahun amal soleh adalah lebih tinggi nilainya daripada mati syahid, subhanAllah!

Talhah bin Ubaidullah meriwayatkan: Dua orang telah masuk Islam bersama; tetapi salah seorang itu lebih bersemangat dalam ibadah. Sahabat yang lebih bersemangat itu telah pergi berjihad dan mati syahid. Manakala sahabat lagi seorang, telah meninggal dunia satu tahun selepas sahabatnya tadi mati syahid.
Talhah meriwayatkan: "Aku telah lihat dalam satu mimpi bahawasanya aku di pintu Syurga dan aku melihat kedua mereka. Seorang pengumum telah mengatakan, sahabat yang mati kemudian masuk ke syurga mendahulukan sahabat yang mati syahid itu.”

Kemudian, Talhah menceritakan pengalaman mimpinya itu dan manusia berasa kagum. Berita tersebut sampai kepada Rasulullah yang bertanya, "Mengapa kalian semua kagum?"
Para sahabat berkata, "Wahai Rasulullah ﷺ, sahabat pertama yang lebih bersemangat dan mati syahid, tapi ternyata sahabat kedua yang mati kemudian, dia masuk syurga terlebih dahulu!"

Rasulullah ﷺ bersabda,
أَلَيْسَ قَدْ مَكَثَ هَذَا بَعْدَهُ سَنَةً ‏"‏ ‏.‏ قَالُوا بَلَى ‏.‏ قَالَ ‏"‏ وَأَدْرَكَ رَمَضَانَ فَصَامَهُ وَصَلَّى كَذَا وَكَذَا مِنْ سَجْدَةٍ فِي السَّنَةِ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ قَالُوا بَلَى قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ ‏"‏ فَمَا بَيْنَهُمَا أَبْعَدُ مِمَّا بَيْنَ السَّمَاءِ وَالأَرْضِ ‏
"Bukankah dia menetap di dunia ini setahun lebih daripada sahabatnya?
Bukankah beliau telah melalui satu bulan Ramadhan, berpuasa dalamnya, menunaikan solat sekian dan sedemikian pada tahun tersebut?
Perbezaan antara mereka berdua adalah lebih besar daripada langit dan Bumi!" (HR Ibnu Majah, Ahmad)

Umur yang panjang, kalau digunakan dengan baik, maka boleh menjadi nikmat yang sangat hebat.

Gunakanlah waktu yang terhad anda di dunia ini dengan sebaik-baiknya.

Lihatlah di sekeliling kita, tazkirah HARIAN yang diberikan oleh Allah.. betapa ramainya orang meninggal dunia disebabkan #COVID19 dan lain-lain, sedangkan Allah menangguhkan lagi waktu kita. Mereka dah hilang peluang untuk beramal soleh dan melaburkan akhirat mereka. Peringatan untuk diri saya dan kita semua yang masih lalai lagi: Nak tunggu sentap macam mana lagi, bro?

BarakAllahu fikum.

Faisal أبو معاوية 👣

p/s Saya tak sambut Hari Jadi. Tak payah wish k 🙂

Caring for our Mental Health: Discovering Passion & Purpose

 

In recent meetings #WorkingFromHome, there was a striking observation about how some colleagues responded to do some urgent work at night and over weekends. 

The common response I hear is “Sure! MCO Lockdown: There's nothing to do anyway", “bukan boleh buat apa pun PKP”.

On one hand, it's great to hear colleagues having the team-player ownership to be readily cooperative without hesitation. 

But on the other hand, the side remark - "nothing to do anyway" – could also perhaps signify a worrying trend in declining mental health: emptiness in our lives.

Are people beginning to be devoid of personal goals, passionate hobbies and meaningful relationships, and have nothing in life. As a result, over-compensating with their jobs? 

Has work become a form of escapism to distract them from the emptiness of their lives, in the same way that some binge watch Netflix to drown them away from the sorrows of COVID-19 or to numb away the pain of meaninglessness?

How much further has this impacted our anxiety, knowing how fragile our jobs are in these times of economic turbulence? 

Another worrying sign is that people aren't taking leave, on the grounds that "there is nowhere to go".

You don’t HAVE to “go somewhere” to have a great time. Why are we so over-dependent on external factors to make us happy?

How about taking leave to find joy through the little things in life: spend time with our loved ones, to finally read that book, to challenge our limits with that satisfying home workout, or to catch up with the ones we care about - even if it is only virtually. Why not, just a simple day off in the remembrance of Allah - to recite some Qur'an, to do more dzikir, to seek a bit of knowledge?

We need to allow our work to be a means of something greater, for us to get in touch with our humanity: To put in the active effort discover purpose & passion in our lives. Learn a new skill. Get involved in activity groups. Pick up a new hobby. Do something awesome. Inspire & help others. Set ambitious goals to leave a mark – a legacy – on humanity.

 

Let's work to live, not the other way around. 

Caring for our Mental Health: Open up to someone you trust, and most importantly… ALLOW others to help and console us #whiteflag

 

Perhaps due to our upbringing or nurturing from our external environment, many of us tend to keep to ourselves, sometimes even subconsciously blocking out other people, including our closest family members, from consoling us. We prefer hiding our internal suffering, and instead telling them we are “fine” and “okay”, unaware that this constantly erodes our mental and emotional health. 

The Root cause we keep to ourselves is out of fear. Perhaps, we fear one or several of the following:

1. Betrayal: Being abused or taken advantage of - maybe we have been traumatized by past experiences of expressing ourselves to others, that we are a "loser", a "cry baby", or being laughed at. Maybe we have been betrayed by our loved ones or those we trust, and "learnt our lesson" – thus it is safer to keep it locked up inside.

2. Being perceived as weak - maybe we were nurtured or raised in an environment that tells us to "stop whining and shut up", or that we were being "ungrateful", or got scolded because the listening party claims that he "is going through worse!". Or perhaps we have defined ourselves by being perceived as "independent" or being a "Strong person" - and we fear our superficial image being shattered if we begin revealing what's really under the hood. We worry that if we open up to our children, we are no longer that “strong mum” or “cool dad”,  or that no longer a “superman” to our wife.

“Because we want to be accepted, we mind our manners, try not to offend and conceal our flaws and weaknesses. Men usually try to convey an impression of competence while keeping a lid on how needy or possessive they can be. They might try to portray themselves as sensitive, but few will actually show their vulnerability; to do so would be to admit they can be hurt, and in their eyes that is equivalent to being weak. “ 

(Dr. Mark Goulston, "Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior")

3. Being a burden to others - instead of perceiving our expression as a means of reaching out and getting help, we look at it pessimistically thinking we are dragging other people down with our "sorry stories" and causing unnecessary pain to their lives. 

4. Isolation - we fear that we are a "freak". It's much easier to dismiss it and claim that our issues are “private" and close the door (when in fact many others are going through the same, too!) 

5. Hypocrisy & lack of remorse – maybe because we have been harsh to others for expressing their feelings in the past, or that we have been particularly insensitive about others’ suffering or mental illnesses. We made fun of them, and now that we might be going through what they are going through, we prefer to continue putting up the act as a defensive mechanism, so we don’t have to taste our own bitter medicine of embodying that very thing we made fun of.

6. Dishonor: Facing a "rude awakening" of uncomfortable truths - perhaps we fear that by accepting other people's gestures of kindness, we have to ‘face the fact’ that are now seen as a feeble old man, weak or incapable. 

It is because of these fears that our relationships – even within our closest family members such as our parents, spouses or siblings – tend to be very superficial and emotionally unfulfilling, despite spending more time with them indoors throughout COVID lockdowns. Especially with the modern advent of gadgets to distract us or make us look like we are busy or occupied. 

The truth is, much of these fears are exaggerated and a result of overthinking from our anxiety. Practically speaking, we may have to be selective WHO we begin with, as opening up to emotionally immature individuals can easily backfire. But trust me: Once we start emotionally connecting with others who reciprocate this gesture, its amazing! 

Psst, here's a secret: allowing others to make us feel better, helps them as much as it helps us too. 

But look, let’s get real here: Opening up isn’t going to be easy. 

Taking the first baby step is going to be extremely uncomfortable, and a huge wall of fear to climb, especially for us MEN who always put on the tough guy act. It is going to take immense courage. 

But as Nelson Mandela said, “I learned that courage isn’t the ABSENCE of fear – but rather, the TRIUMPH over it.”

Share this message if it could help a loved one, and help you be the person that he/she needs

“Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think. When we’re fueled by the fear of what other people think or that gremlin that’s constantly whispering “You’re not good enough” in our ear, it’s tough to show up. 

We end up hustling for our worthiness rather than standing in it.”

(Brene Brown, author of “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead”) 

Non-judgmental listening: A life-changing skill we can develop to aiding the mental health of people around us

 

Last year, I subscribed to a course on building mental/emotional resilience. In one of the exercises, we performed a classroom exercise called the “7-7 technique”, where we were paired up with a partner (someone we have never knew before) for 7 minutes each, to share our biggest frustrations, pains, and stresses.

Here's an interesting point - The facilitator highlighted, that key ingredient to making sure this exercise is successful is: "Don't become friends"

Wait, what?

The facilitator explained, "if we are 'friends', then we won't allow the other person to truly speak their hearts out. Every time they share something with us, we would tend to respond all the time, giving feedback after feedback, dishing out your own unsolicited "advice" and unwanted "opinions"."

It makes perfect sense. The point of the exercise was to train us to develop the skill of non-judgmental listening. 

The biggest weakness we have that prevent us from becoming good listeners with our friends and family members is that we often like to interrupt then and provide our input with our rapid-fire shotgun responses. Either because:

1. We are inclined to immediately provide our input in the interest to 'protect' or 'console' our friends or loved ones;

2. We subconsciously judge them because of what we THINK we know about their personality, circumstances, and behavior, hence we tend to dismiss their feelings or provide immature judgment; 

3. We interject with some jokes or elements of humor to elevate the situation (not knowing that it might have actually made it worse by making it seem like you are belittling or trivializing the matter); 

4. We take things very personally and get overly defensive very quickly when they express themselves; or 

5. We lack restraint and can't hold it in. Just like every good old-fashioned conversation about politics, we just have to share our opinions, personal experiences and "two cents". 

Our shotgun feedbacks not only rob us of being effective listeners, but subconsciously prevent the speaker from expressing the full extent of their emotions and in fact risk creating an unsafe environment to share their thoughts - hence risk them bottling up their negativity and further eroding their emotional and mental health, while losing their trust in us as confidants. 

What we learnt from this class exercise was that just sharing our feelings had a cathartic effect of immediate relief!

And this was the big takeaway I got from the session: In these times of anxiety and distress, we can all play our part in by reaching out, developing and practicing this skill of non-judgmental listening amongst our family, friends, and colleagues. 

We might think that we lack in qualifications as a certified counsellor, but the truth is, simply being a “safe place” for others to vent out their frustrations, that by itself can be a huge feeling of relief.

In his book "Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior", Board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Mark Goulston writes:

“Talking it out EASES the sense of isolation; you feel more a part of the world instead of apart from it. In addition, expressing yourself is a way of purging emotions. A horrible event leaves a toxic residue, and the act of describing it to another person serves as a syringe to draw out the accumulated poison. If you don’t get rid of that poison, you will have to use defense mechanisms such as denial and repression to disconnect from the horror. The poison will accumulate until it pollutes your body, mind and soul, with potentially disastrous consequences.” (End Quote)

Here's the catch, though: Non-judgmental listening isn’t as easy as it sounds. This requires a lot of patience: especially if we start putting on our judgmental caps before our caps of empathy and compassion. Sometimes, what you are about to hear will make you upset, easy, or frustrated. 

Be patient as well if you receive poor responsiveness. It may take some time before they really reveal what it inside. It can be daunting and very difficult to open up for those who are not used to speaking our hearts and minds, especially in an environment where we are just called off and told to “suck it up”, “just be grateful”, or “you think you had it tough?! I’m going through far worse!”

As human beings, sometimes we need to earn that emotional and psychological trust first – even if they are own closest family members. Besides, at times, even professional psychotherapists sometimes require multiple visits before their patient finally opens up.

Like all skills, non-judgmental listening requires repeated practice for you to develop and get better at it. The Prophet ﷺ said, “whoever tries to be patient, Allah will MAKE him patient” (Al-Bukhari)

Let’s all develop our listening skills and play our part to uplift those around us!

"Satisfying": Five Reflections of Our Hajj Journey @ 2015 (1436AH)

Alhamdulillah - all Praises and Thanks to Allah - Who enabled for us to compete our Hajj when we were 31 years of age.

For many years I have been withholding a lot of these thoughts, as I wanted to keep them secret between us and Allah - and I feared I would fall into riyaa or arrogance (kibr). 

Yet now, in hindsight, looking back 6 years later, reading up my personal journal entries and thoughts, these are things which I wish previous pilgrims (hujjaj) would have shared to inspire us. I would have loved for some personal advice and thoughts from "abang2 & kakak2" who were privileged with performing hajj early. 

Here is my chance to BE that person. 

In the spirit of naseehah and loving for others what I would love for myself, I decided to share these thoughts with the hopes that it can help others in the future. May Allah keep me sincere in my intentions and free from riyaa.

Without exaggeration or hesitation, our Hajj trip was the single best experience of our lives. 

If there was one word I can use to describe Hajj, it would be: SATISFYING. 

Satisfying in every, holistic sense of the word. And here are five thoughts that I would like to share why I chose that word:

1. Fulfilling our fifth pillar in Islam

Our Hajj journey actually started way back in 2012: when we signed up for a hajj package, but only received our Hajj visas at the last minute and hence didn’t make it to Makkah in time. In 2013 and 2014, we signed up but again didn’t get a chance. After three years of confronting disappointment and discouragement, it was only in 2015 (1436 AH) when, QaddarAllah, Allah had opened the way for us to perform our Hajj.

And I will never forget that immensely satisfying relief on the calm walk back to Makkah from Mina on the 13th of Dzulhijjah that year, as we completed the Hajj rituals: 

We have just completed our fifth pillar in Islam. Life can finally START. 

Rasululllah ﷺ said: 

مَنْ حَجَّ لِلَّهِ فَلَمْ يَرْفُثْ وَلَمْ يَفْسُقْ رَجَعَ كَيَوْمِ وَلَدَتْهُ أُمُّهُ

“Whoever performs Hajj for Allah's pleasure and does not have sexual relations with his wife, and does not do evil or sins then he returns from Hajj as pure and free from sins as on the day on which his mother gave birth to him." (Al-Bukhari)

I remember listening to a lecture about Hajj, wherein the speaker Ismail Davids said, “that very state that you are in: wearing two humble pieces of cloth, being shaved as if it were your own Aqiqah”, you are having a firsthand experience of what it is to be a newborn baby. Masha Allah what an amazing thought!

And this was an interesting paradigm, because it contradicts how our culture typically perceives Hajj. As we discussed the recent episode of The Barakah Effect podcast, people typically associate Hajj with “old age”. That they will perform hajj when they are old, repent, and khalas: wait for death.

But when you perform hajj when you’re young, it has a different, impactful spiritual effect: Now you want to make sure you maintain steadfast so you don’t let all of that good work go to waste!

2. A worthy investment 

I remember a valuable advice shared by my mother. She once shared that when she went for Hajj in 2001, she was embarrassed to admit to her colleague that she took the most expensive hajj package at the time. When she finally told him, he said,

“Zai, if you are going to save money for something, it might as well be for your hajj”.

Simple, yet profound life advice: If you’re going to save up to spend, it might as well be for the sake of Allah. 

That advice stuck to me, after all these years.

For years, I resisted the urge to succumb to peer pressure to buy a house, purchase a flashy new car on loan, or even start in any financial investment. Hajj in my youth was priority number one. I remember taking out huge chunks of my monthly paycheck into my Tabung Haji account for many months. We wanted to invest in a comfortable hajj package that would enable us to have total peace of mind in our worship. 

يُرِيدُ اللَّـهُ بِكُمُ الْيُسْرَ وَلَا يُرِيدُ بِكُمُ الْعُسْرَ

“Allah wants ease for you, and He does not want difficulty for you” (Al-Baqarah 2:185)

After all, let’s be honest… who were we kidding: We were city people who aren’t used to hardships. 

Besides, as many people would tell you: no matter how expensive or luxurious your hajj package is, you will always have to endure some form of hardship, one way or another. 

And look, we’ll be honest. It wasn't cheap. The package that we selected, combined with mandatory Tabung Haji costs, logistics, etc cost us roughly around RM80,000. 

But Alhamdulillah, in hindsight, the fact that Allah kept “postponing” our Hajj trip for four years enabled me to save up more money for a considerably comfortable package, without having to borrow a single cent from anyone.

And although on one hand, it was “expensive”, when all is said and done, I felt an immense feeling of satisfaction that I could spend a huge chunk of my savings for something other than material fulfillment or my own personal pleasure. Instead, I had flushed out my savings for the sake of Allah to fulfill my fifth pillar ofIslam.

It always seems heavy before the act. But looking back, it was the best 80,000 I have ever spent. 

When I returned home to Malaysia, I remember thinking to myself:

NOW I can think about buying that house. 

3. Healthy young man

Although we were physically healthy* and among the youngest in our Hajj group, I have to admit, Hajj was very physically demanding. 

*Okay, I used the term “healthy” very loosely as I was overweight at the time, with a BMI of 30+, and had problems with frequent gout attacks. “Somewhat healthy” lah 🤣. 

There were days in which my daily step count totalled 40,000 steps. There were situations in which I experienced intense moments of physical pain, emotional drain and mental fatigue which I felt like passing out and almost getting trampled over. 

Yet at the same time, I felt immensely satisfied that I got through these situations while Allah had given me the youthful strength to endure them.

The Prophet ﷺ said,

"The feet of the son of Adam shall not move from before his Lord on the Day of Judgement, until he is questioned about five things: About his life and what he did with it, about his youth and what he wore it out in, about his wealth and how he earned it, and spent it upon, and what he did with what he knew." (At-Tirmidzi)

4. The Sunnah the better

Now at this point, perhaps you might be wondering: why is this guy going through so much hardship? How do those 60-, 70-, 80-year old uncles and aunties do it? Is this Faisal fella so weak?

Fair enough.

The reason is, we made some choices throughout our hajj that made it slightly more difficult, because of our insistence in following the sunnah. And for good reason. The Prophet ﷺ said,

خذوا عني مناسككم

“Take from me, your rituals for hajj” (Al-Baihaqi)

I remember thinking, because this hajj might be the one and only shot we will ever have, we are going to go all out following the sunnah, as close as we can. 

If an act was wajib, we were going to put in the extra mile to make it happen in the best way! In fact, even if an act of hajj is “just sunnah”, we are not going to skip it: we were going to find a way to get it done. What this meant, in practice, was that our hajj plan didn’t necessarily go in accordance with the rest of the pilgrims in our hajj package, which we opted to take separate paths. 

And this undoubtedly made our hajj more challenging, which pushed us to our limits - and in many ways, a lot of our experience may differ with what other Malaysian jamaah typically go through.

At the time, some of these choices may have got us into a lot of difficulties which, in theory, we could have avoided to make it much easier. We walked past the same roads that, only 2-3 hours after us, would experience a brutal stampede that resulted in the death of more than 700 pilgrims.

But now, six years later in hindsight, it was the best choice we could have done, and for that, I am happy that we made those choices. I am 100% satisfied that we exhausted all of our efforts to fulfill every aspect of sunnah in hajj. 

5. Better relationship with my BFF wifey

Umar ibn Al-Khattab said, you don’t truly know a person until you have travelled with them, done business with them, or experience living with them as a neighbor. 

Shared hardship tends to expose the best (or worst) out of us, and indeed Hajj is one of those experiences. And as my mother shared with me, numerous indeed are stories of actual couples who got divorced after being together in hajj - subhanAllah!

But that was not the case for us, Alhamdulillah. 

One of the best outcomes of the hajj was how it strengthened the relationship with the wifey. It was she who did a ton of research to help plan our Hajj route; she was the one who would fill my ears with words of encouragement and reassurance, lifting my spirits when things got challenging.

I feel that the shared hardship strengthened our relationship, and simultaneously cultivating another important aspect: trust. It was an outcome far better and meaningful than your typical honeymoon! 

I remember making a conscious decision with the wifey: Let’s go to Hajj while we are still young, and don’t yet have children. Little would we have known that, in spite of being delayed 3 years from our initial intent of hajj, we still were not granted with children by 2015. 

Little would we know that it would be 2018 - eight years after our marriage - when we would have our first child, Muawiyah.

And I would like optimistically think that, perhaps, it was those shared moments together in 2015 that trained us to be better parents.

CLOSING THOUGHTS: WAS OUR HAJJ ACCEPTED?

When all is said and done, this will perhaps be the greatest concern of them all: Was our hajj accepted?

On one hand, we will never know, until we meet Allah. On the other hand, this is a concern that every believer should have, regardless of their deeds. When Prophet Ibrahim was constructing the ka’bah with his son, Prophet Ismail, the du’aa they made was:

رَبَّنَا تَقَبَّلْ مِنَّا ۖ إِنَّكَ أَنْتَ السَّمِيعُ الْعَلِيمُ

“O Our Lord! Accept from us! Verily, you are the All-Hearing, All-Knowing!” (Al-Baqarah 2:127)

Even though they were doing one of the greatest acts of worship of constructing the ka’bah. And mind you, this was not just ANY house of worship, mind you: but the place of worship that millions of pilgrims would visit every year, until the day of judgment. An OBVIOUS act of righteousness. Yet they too feared that perhaps their deed would not be accepted, hence they made this du’aa.

When A’isya recited the verse from surah al-mu’minun, وَالَّذِينَ يُؤْتُونَ مَآ ءاتَواْ وَّقُلُوبُهُمْ (And those who give that which they give with their hearts full of fear), her curiosity led her to wonder: “why were they so scared?” Hence she asked the Prophet,

“Are these the ones who (commit sins such as) theft, commit Zina and drink alcohol?”

The Prophet replied, “No, O daughter of As-Siddiq, they are the ones who pray and fast and give in charity, while fearing that it will not be accepted from them: It is those who hasten in the good deeds!” (At-Tirmidzi)

The constant worry and fear that our deeds will not be accepted: that is what should keep us away from complacency, motivate us to keep moving forward and keep trying our best.

Reflecting back on our hajj: One one hand, we are grateful to Allah to have given us the capability to have fulfilled many of the physical “sunnah” acts of Hajj, but on the other hand, I know for a fact that there were so many things that I wish I could have done better or done things differently. 

But that is all behind us, and we only ask that Allah accept all of our deeds and keep it purely for His Sake. 

May Allah open up the doors for our ummah to perform hajj once again and grant you all a Hajj Mabrur.