Apakah sikap anda dalam hutang, atau bila pinjam duit? Nasihat kepada penghutang

 

Pernahkah anda alami - sahabat baik anda, selama ni member ok je. Tapi saat mereka berhutang dengan kita, tiba2 perangai jadi lain macam. Seolah-olah persahabatan kita selama ni semua dah ke laut.

Sedih, melihat fenomena dan masalah sikap ini makin kerap terjadi di kalangan sahabat2 dan ahli keluarga.

Umar ibn Al-Khattab pernah berkata, antara cara kita dapat nilai dan kenal karakter sebenar seseorang dalam sikapnya apabila kita mengendalikan bisnes dengannya. Terutama sekali bila berhutang.

Antaranya karakter yang akan terbongkar adalah sikap menipu. Rasulullah ﷺ bersabda,

إِنَّ الرَّجُلَ إِذَا غَرِمَ حَدَّثَ فَكَذَبَ وَوَعَدَ فَأَخْلَفَ
“Sesungguhnya, apabila seseorang berhutang, tatkala dia berkata-kata, dia berkata bohong, dan apabila dia berjanji, dia mungkiri janjinya” (Al-Bukhari)

Dan ini kita dapat lihat.. Macam2 alasan kreatif yang dapat dihasilkan bila berhutang.
Manusia, tatkala terdesak, bila takut kena marah, takut dipertanggungjawabkan, akan timbulbya temptation untuk mencari jalan keluar... Reka la alasan supaya terlepas.

Yang menyedihkan, apa yang berlaku juga, ada di antara mereka yang ada “entitlement mindset”.

“elehh.. dia ada duit. Kita orang susah kot. Sedekah je lah. Kan dapat pahala kalau bagi tangguhan. Kan dapat pahala kalau ampunkan hutang. Tak nak pahala ke?”

Ada kes2 di mana si penghutang sound balik & maki hamun lagi sahabat pemiutang. Double zalim.

Lagi parah kalau si penghutang mula ada tabiat transfer hutang: yakni, seseorang mula mengambil pinjaman untuk bayar pinjaman terdahulu. Kemudian pinjaman yang ketiga untuk bayar pinjaman kedua, dan sebagainya. Rantaian yang berterusan. Macam ponzi scheme pun ada.

Tapi simtom yang paling kerap yang saya alami, penghutang mengelak daripada bersemuka. Kononnya, atas alasan malu atau segan. Padahal, apabila mengelak, ia membuat si pemiutang lebih rasa marah. Sekurang-kurangnya, kalau si penghutang ada keberanian untuk berterus-terang, nampak dedikasi dan sikap mereka. Kadangkala si pemiutang ni, diorang ni reasonable je, boleh je nak nego. I okay je nak bagi extension. Tujuan kita bagi pinjaman pun atas dasar ihsan dan tolong menolong.

Tapi kalau you dah unfriend I dan buat tak tahu, ini kezaliman.

Kalau anda kenal orang yang bersikap sedemikian, atau anda sendiri ada sikap macam ni, maka eloklah di sini kita beri pesanan ikhlas kepada mereka yang suka menipu, mengelat dan/atau ghosting ni:

Beramal lah dengan integriti dalam memenuhi amanah anda kepada sahabat anda yang membantu anda. Take responsibility untuk hutang anda. Dapat setel atau tidak, terus terang sahaja dengan sang pemiutang - jangan mengelat. Bawak bincang. Gentleman. Member pun, Kadang2 ok je nak bagi extend. Dia pun insha Allah ikhlas je nak tolong. Bagi lah dia peluang untuk "kasi chance" lagi dan buat pahala.
Kalau kena sound pun, sabar sahaja. Dia bagi pinjam pun atas ihsan dia demi Allah untuk tolong.

Dengarlah wahai sahabatku yang beriman dengan Allah dan Hari Akhir, kalau anda hilangkan diri dan bersembunyi pun, sebenarnya takde guna juga - sebab anda takkan boleh bersembunyi daripada Allah. Macam mana keadaan kita pun akan mengadap dan menjawab kepada Allah juga. Dan, tak kira amal soleh anda, kalau anda mati dengan hutang, anda terhalang daripada masuk syurga. Beliau ﷺ bersabda:

يُغْفَرُ لِلشَّهِيدِ كُلُّ ذَنْبٍ إِلاَّ الدَّيْنَ

“Semua dosa seseorang yang mati syahid akan diampunkan, kecuali hutang” (HR Muslim)

Malah, Nabi ﷺ dah sound dengan tegas: walaupun mati syahid, hidup kembali, kemudian mati syahid lagi sekali, kalau ada hutang: tak dapat, jack..

وَالَّذِي نَفْسِي بِيَدِهِ لَوْ أَنَّ رَجُلاً قُتِلَ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ثُمَّ أُحْيِيَ ثُمَّ قُتِلَ ثُمَّ أُحْيِيَ ثُمَّ قُتِلَ وَعَلَيْهِ دَيْنٌ مَا دَخَلَ الْجَنَّةَ حَتَّى يُقْضَى عَنْهُ دَيْنُهُ

“Aku bersumpah demi Dzat yang jiwaku di tangan-Nya, sesungguhnya kalaulah seseorang itu mati syahid terbunuh di jalan Allah, kemudian dihidupkan semula dan mati syahid lagi sekali - tetapi dia mati dalam keadaan berhutang, dia tidak akan masuk syurga sehinggalah hutangnya dilangsaikan” (HR An-Nasa’i, #4684)

Jadi, apabila seorang penghutang mukmin mengambil sikap acuh tak acuh terhadap hutang mereka, realiti adalah, mereka juga mengambil sikap acuh tak acuh terhadap akhirat mereka.

Kalau you tak serious untuk bayar hutang, you tak serious masuk syurga.
Kalau dia mati, macam mana?

Islam mengambil berat isu hutang ni, yang patut menjadi satu pedoman dan amaran bagi mereka yang beriman kepada Allah dan Hari Akhir. 

Sebaliknya, pada masa yang sama juga, saya amat respect mereka yang serious dalam bayar hutang. Nabi ﷺ menyebut:

خَيْرُكُمْ أَحْسَنُكُمْ قَضَاءً

“Yang terbaik di kalangan kamu adalah mereka yang terbaik dalam melangsaikan hutangnya” (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

Saya pernah alami sendiri, masha Allah, individu2 yang sangat hebat, sangat inspiring dalam sikap positif mereka dalam hutang: mereka yang susah, gaji tak seberapa, tetapi tetap konsisten dalam jelaskan hutang mereka. Sikit, demi sikit, demi sikit.. lama2 settle juga. Walaupun bertahun lamanya, tetapi sampai juga destinasi. Bagi saya, ini menunjukkan mereka ambik serious hal akhirat mereka. Orang macam ni… ini memang legend.

Akhlak macam ni lah yang kita sayang demi Allah. Saya lagi cenderung untuk “maafkan” hutang orang-orang macam ni. Kalau mereka mati on the way pun, at least mereka ada hujjah dengan Allah: aku dah cuba, ya Allah, tapi tak sempat nak settle.

Kemudahan memberi pinjaman adalah satu amal ihsan dan sadaqah yang agama kita tuntut agar mereka yang ada kelapangan dapat membantu sahabat-sahabat kita yang memerlukan. Kalau semua umat Islam ada attitude yang bagus dalam melangsaikan hutang, maka lagi ramailah mereka yang lebih terbuka dan senang hati untuk membantu sahabat2 yang benar2 memerlukan. Tapi kalau lagi banyak kaki kelentong dan kaki mengelat, atau mereka yang suka take mengambil kesempatan, maka mereka2 yang ikhlas akan hilang kepercayaan… no more trust.. maka rugilah mereka yang benar2 memerlukan.

Terus terang sahaja. Settle sekarang di dunia. Senang. Nanti di akhirat, susah bang.

Semoga Allah melindungi kita daripada bebanan hutang, daripada penipuan, kezaliman, dan memudahkan umat kita untuk terus bersedekah dan membantu mereka yang benar2 memerlukan.. 🤲🏽

"JazakAllah khairan" card for Abah

 For the first time, Muawiyah made me this "JazakAllah khairan" card and slipped it in into my laptop, Masha Allah.. allahumma barik ❤️

He got the idea from a book, "Dad is always working" by author Hafsah Dabiri. 

In the book, the main character Abdullah always felt sad that his father always seemed to be busy at work. At almost every situation, Abdullah seemed to express with sadness, “Dad is always working” - something I think Muawiyah can relate to 😢.

One day at school, Abdullah received a homework assignment: As a gesture of gratitude, write a “jazakAllah Khairan” card (i.e. the Islamic equivalent of a “thank you card”). At first, Abdullah wanted to write a card for his mum, because of all the nice things he sees that she does for him.

But then his mother convinced him, that in fact his father had been busy contributing to the family in many ways Abdullah didn’t see, behind the scenes. So Abdullah wrote a card for his dad.

This touching gesture of gratitude reminds me how important it is to choose the right kind of books for our children. It’s not just about being mindful of the “negative” influences, but also being deliberate about choosing some genuinely good ones. Some of the messages in these books can really go a long way towards inspiring positive change. One one hand, this book provided some actionable acts with which our kids can implement immediately. 

But beyond that, this book also gave an important reminder about gratitude: sometimes there are acts of kindness people do for us which we simply do not see or aren’t aware of. Especially from our parents. We might have no idea of the kind of sacrifices and efforts they have made for us - but Allah is All-Aware, All-Knowing, All-Grateful, Best of Providers. And therefore the least we can do is we make du’aa. Although there is much we don’t know, Allah knows best, and with that Knowledge, we make du’aa that Allah repays them. 

May Allah reward our parents with jannatul firdaus 🤲🏼

The Prophet ﷺ said. "If someone has done an act of kindnesss, say to that person:

جَزَاكِ اَللَّهُ خَيْراً

(May Allah reward you with good) - and therefore he has fully expressed his appreciation."

(At-Tirmidzi)

15 years in PETRONAS: 15 Career-Defining Events that have significantly impacted and influenced my life

 

As of 18th February 2023, this would be my 15th year since I reported duty in PETRONAS in this building here in Lutong, Miri, Sarawak.

Feels like only yesterday that I was this overweight, heavy-smoking, metalhead, videogamer who just reported for duty - and yet, QaddarAllah, 15 years later, in spite of all the re-organizations and internal changes that took place, somehow, I am still here .

Alhamdulillah, it has been a wonderful experience, and I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to be working in this organization, to collaborate with some of the most amazing professionals in the world, and grow through some of the best life experiences together.

In conjunction with this occasion, I decided to share a list of what I consider to be 15 of the most impactful events and experiences throughout my career. These are events that have had a significant influence and impact in my professional life, many of which also influenced my personality and personal life outside the workplace, too.

In hindsight, I used to wonder what is all the fuss about “years of experience”. When I re-read my own list below, I can see why: it’s through these experiences - good and bad - that we learn valuable life lessons that shape us into better people. As a young graduate, I would have loved to know these “real experiences”, so feel free to share if you find this beneficial - especially to our generations who will enter the workforce.

I excluded experiences from the past 3 years in order to avoid recency bias, to retain a level of anonymity so that it won't be immediately obvious who I am referring to, as well as factoring in the yet-to-be-proven uncertainty of how ‘impactful’ recent events will turn out in the long run.

Here are the summary list of 15 career-defining events:

1. “Akak takde masa!” - When my senior yelled at me, just because I asked her for help while i was struggling to do my first assignment. It was an important early lesson of what NOT to do as a senior, and how NOT to treat other people.

(Side note to my colleagues: she already resigned OK, so don't bother looking her up or guessing who )

2. Uninvited - When our host project team (from the same company) treated us like outcasts with unprofessional hostility. This hostile environment taught me to develop resourcefulness to find alternative means to get work done, effective negotiation, and professionally navigating office politics without burning bridges, and personal resilience to not to allow our emotions - especially toxic co-workers - to get to our heads.

3. Rejected & unwanted: When another department requested a process engineer from our team to be attached full-time to their project, our boss initially refused to release anyone. In the end, after a series of arguments and justifications, they finally agreed. But to cut their losses, they decided to send away the worst-performing process engineer.
That person was me.
Unflattering as it may be, what started off as a throwaway assignment eventually became one the starting point to some of my favorite years of my experience: the privilege to work with a great leader (one whom I consider to be the best boss I've ever had, hands down), collaborate with excellent team members, my first-ever good performance rating, the opportunity to lead projects in spite being a junior engineer, and opened the path to attain my certification as a project management professional (PMP). Not bad for an unwanted, underperforming reject.

4. When Faisal almost resigned - 

At one point of time in my career, I felt I just wasn't made for this oil & gas engineering stuff. I decided I wanted to resign and instead pursue a career in teaching. But I gave myself some time, so I can "beef up my CV", collect professional certifications and end on a high. Turns out that having this sense of urgency supercharged my career and professional development in every area imaginable - and fueled me the much-needed passion I needed for the job that was lacking all these years. That's when I I could make a conscious decision to stay. 

5. Weekend mentorship: 

One time, our senior engineer spent a whole day over the weekend to coach and teach me to prepare for my technical assessment. The one day of coaching was so effective, that it helped me attain the best assessment score in my entire career, immediately got a promotion, and taught me the building blocks on subjects which I eventually became passionate about in teaching others. A little coaching goes a long way.

6. The Garbage Project - 

When my manager assigned me with a waste handling project, and placed so much emphasis that I should “drop everything else and focus on this”, only to have it rejected by the end of the year and completely erased from my year end performance writeup because it was “controversial”. It was an extremely frustrating experience, making me feel that my efforts were a total waste of time. It taught me a leadership lesson on the importance of consistent expectations, being decisive, & being transparent without playing politics.

7. “No, he is competent!”: 

When our partners expressed their lack of confidence in me, my boss put his foot down, yelled at them and shouted "No, he is competent! He is experienced!" It was the first time in my career I felt that my boss believed in me, and I felt inspired with a genuine sense of ownership to live up to high expectations.

8. Discovering my niche: 

Being certified HAZOP Leader - After about 10 years into my career, I managed to obtain a certification in Leading HAZOP (Hazards and Operability Study). I was the first person among the team to obtain this, and because this wasn't our core job, initially I was quite stressed out by the additional burden to my core responsibilities. But - surprise - it turns out that I actually really enjoy it! And being the only one certified, it opened up opportunities to interact with and learn through many different project teams, engineers, SME's and contractors, which eventually gave me a major edge over my peers.

9. “Now you’ve just confused everyone”: After completing a lengthy engineering study, I sent out a long e-mail which detailed out all the necessary technical details for decision-making, feeling pretty proud of myself. In a surprising twist of events, my boss wasn't impressed, and simply said, "now, you've just confused everyone". This set in motion a whole chain of events that forced me to improve my communication and presentation, and eventually became one of my strengths.

A little feedback goes a long way.

10. Crisis! - Being appointed as SME (subject matter expert) member of an investigation team. 

Initially I was really annoyed with this assignment, because of unprofessional behavior: the actual persons in charge couldn't bother to renew his/her offshore safety passport, so I was "forced" to take up this task because I was the only senior who had a valid offshore passport. Unexpectedly, this simple eventually developed into one of the most exciting, thrilling assignments which not only taught me many unique technical knowledge, but also an assignment that put to the test my attitude of collaboration, integrity, and professionalism; especially when I was eventually confronted by leaders who refused to accept my findings because this might result in "making our KPI red".

11. “I am here to develop others” - 

When our boss drove a project to completion, refused to take any credit, and instead push his subordinates to take the awards and the limelight. When his subordinate said that the boss also deserves the credit, he simply replied with a private WhatsApp message: “I’m here to develop others.” How a simple whatsapp message became some of the most inspiring leadership words I've heard in my career - a masterclass of genuine sincerity and humility.

12. The Dream Team - 

Early on in my career, I was assigned to lead a small team of young engineers, some of the most intelligent, energetic and passionate guys. Our boss called us the "Dream Team" - as cheesy as it sounds, we were determined to live up to it. Everyone pulled in their weight to make sure we facilitated the highest level of collaboration, professionalism, cohesiveness. During the year end performance review discussions, one of our team members said, "for the first time in my career, I was actually excited and looking forward to go to work, when I wake up in the morning". It was this strong relationship that motivated us to be a high-performing team who were willing to go the extra mile for each other, and eventually nailed targets we all thought were impossible. Until today, this small team continues to be my personal benchmark of great teamwork and what we can achieve together.

13. Fed up: How we turned the tides of a demoralized team - In one of the years, our team collectively suffered mediocre performances, which resulted in many team members feeling demoralized, and were frustrated with our boss. But I chose to take a risk and something different: walk up to his office, give him feedback directly to his face, which was honest, direct, and more importantly: respectful.l. The conversation turned into one of finding solutions to help build the team. As a result, the tables were turned completely and our team did very well after that.

A little conversation goes a long way.

14. Majlis Tilawah Al-Qur’an (MTAQ): Taking the first step. When I tried to just to "try my luck", I won. When I tried out the Murattal category in 2017, I won first place - totally defying any expectations.

Lesson: You never know what you're capable of, until you try.

15. Contract administrator - 

A task that began as a lengthy, draggy, frustrating assignment early in my career, which I considered as an unappreciated burden. But it turned out to be one of the most valuable long-term experiences in my career, which offered me contracting experience that most of my other process engineering peers didn’t have (and turned out to be immensely helpful when I was a manager), and opened up many opportunities to expand my networking and get to build relationships with teams from other regions. It taught me never to belittle any task assigned to me or jump to negative conclusions too early: you never know how useful and important it will in the future.

(End List)

What you will observe from the above is that the 15 incidents aren’t all necessarily a pleasant experience. In fact, some of them are actually pretty painful. But in hindsight, this is what life is about: all the ups, downs, and everything in between - that’s what shape us into who we are.

It’s not the experience, themselves, that define us: it’s the choices we make, when we are confronted with them. It’s the attitude we adopt to turn these situations into opportunities and valuable learning lessons. From adversity to advantage. It’s those times we are challenged outside of our comfort zone, that’s when we experience the most growth and learning.

These experiences taught me to keep a positive attitude, keep moving when we encounter failures, mistakes and setbacks. Don't get easily disheartened or traumatized just because a few setbacks come our way. Our first few attempts will fail, and that’s okay. Mistakes are never final.

Sometimes, it takes a few failed attempts, a few bad experiences, a few “wrong” people in our path, to finally arrive at a successful outcome. It might take a few lousy seniors before we truly appreciate the gems of great teachers. And sometimes, these bad experiences allow us to appreciate the good experiences when we finally do get to face them down the road.

And in growing stronger from our past setbacks, it gives us the courage to try: to make mistakes, get back up again, try harder, and break new ground.

What I’ve also learnt over the years is the maturity to forgive and let go. When we look back at our experiences, there is no need to hold a grudge or to wait for the opportune moment to strike back. Take the high road and learn to forgive. Yes, they wronged you, and yes, they need to be held accountable for their misconduct - but we don’t need to perpetuate the cycle. Be the change we need. Try to practice empathy to those who have wronged us. Perhaps they have weaknesses and shortcomings of their own. Perhaps they, too, have unresolved issues and demons they’re struggling with. Have empathy, forgive them, move on, and learn from their mistakes: integrate this learnt wisdom when tackling similar situations in the future.

It's also worth noting that this is only a snapshot from my individual experience. They don't necessarily represent the organization as a whole.

In the coming weeks, I hope to be sharing more about these 15 events and shedding more light about the specific, unique lessons I attained from all of them.

My hopes is that this simple sharing has been beneficial to you, and can help you build more resilience, and approach the challenges with more maturity and optimism throughout the course of your career.

May Allah grant us the sabr to continuously improve and learn from our mistake, to endure the challenges of our lives with ikhlas, ihsan, and istiqamah, and allow these experiences to make us amongst the people of hikmah.

The difficult task of Conveying performance ratings

 

When I first took on the role as a manager, my predecessor once advised,

"evaluating performance ratings is the most difficult part of the job"

He's right. 

Of the entire cycle - from evaluation, to deliberation, to justifying proposals - the final step is perhaps the most difficult of them all: conveying their performance ratings. 

I recall a time earlier on in my career, when I asked my manager directly about my ratings. At the time, I was still struggling with my job, constantly facing a stream of mediocre ratings without really knowing or understanding why. When the final performance ratings were out, I went to him and asked, 

"I would like to know my performance rating. And I also want to seek your feedback and advise, how can I improve?"

His legendary response:

"Just wait for the letter."

Frustrated and unhappy at the answer, I insisted, "okay, well can you at least tell me your feedback? I want to know how I can achieve good performance."

"Just wait for the letter."

Then the letter came, and surprise, surprise: another mediocre performance rating. Which, I got to know later, I was among the bottom-ranked people in the team. The letter didn't state any feedback, description or explanation: Just one measly number to cause long term traumatic disappointment and demotivation. 

As expected, my manager never bothered to even speak to me about it. I have no idea what went wrong, why I received this. Why didn't he have the decency to just talk to me or have a conversation? Why treat me like some nuisance that you're obviously trying to avoid? 

This heartbreaking, traumatic incident taught me one important lesson: How NOT to convey this news to your staff. I told myself that if I were to manage people one day, I would never do it like this like a chicken, hiding behind letters to avoid difficult conversations. 

It serves as a reminder to myself and my fellow leaders out there: We need to add the human touch AND treat people like human beings. Be transparent. Own up to your decisions. Bite the bullet.

Of course, it's easier said than done.  

Now I'm in that position of shouldering this responsibility, I can understand and empathize why people avoid it altogether. We tend to avoid difficult conversations. 

It's never easy to convey the news, particularly when people don't quite get the ratings they believe they deserve and fall short of their expectations. Frustration, anger, disappoitment... sometimes you will get attacked and blamed at for their plight.

Instead of avoiding it or whining about a system we can't control, the most mature & professional thing to do is to accept this painful reality for what it is, and to execute our duties to the best that we can within our control: with ihsan and sincerity. 

Here's what I learnt about how we can beat deal with this:

1. Have the Courage to confront difficult conversations 

One of the crucial leadership skills we must develop is the courage to face and endure difficult conversations. Yes, they will express themselves. Yes, it is unpleasant. 

But that's the job. That's why they pay you for the role. Own up to the responsibility and do it well: have the humanity to hold a decent conversation. 

If you avoid these conversations, you will only build in resentment, bitterness, frustration, demoralization, and potentially trigger a cycle of seeking revenge.

2. Keep it straight: Be honest and transparent 

If the staff underperformed, or failed to meet expectations, or what they can learn from others, just be frank about it and say it out. 

Don't come up with lame excuses or vague blanket scapegoats to blame the boogeyman, e.g. "management" gave you this rating. 

3. Be kind

Unpleasant conversations don't have to be confrontational. Keep the tone kind and encouraging, with the commitment to help each other improve. You can't change the feeling of disappointment, but you can show your 

4. Don't drag the conversation 

As much as possible, keep it brief. Don't need to over-explain yourself, come up with long-winded excuses, or be overly apologetic. If they seek clarification, clarify what you can. But after you've conveyed the key points, just end the session, to respectfully Give them time to think and process their emotions. 

5. Patience

At the core of all of these is to remain patient. Be strong, for "the strong person isn't one who overcomes others with his physical strength; rather, the strong person is one who controls himself when he is angry" (Al-Bukhari) 

Share this message to those who may be struggling with this matter. 

May Allah grant us the Sabr to conduct our responsibilities with Sabr, integrity and ihsan. 

Parenting and Mentoring: The 4-step solution in helping your little ones overcome difficult challenges

 

Today was Muawiyah’s first attempts at riding a bicycle without his training wheels. When the day first started, he kept on expressing his frustration about his lack of ability: 

“Kenapa Muawiyah can’t cycle by myself like other big boys?”

And Abah kept convincing him, “yeah, you can insha Allah. Keep trying, you got this!”

I assisted him to get the bike moving before he paddled himself. And after a few quick attempts - which took no longer than a few minutes - he firmly said, “Abah, you don’t need to hold the bicycle. I will do it myself, ok?”

“Alright, Little Man!” 

I had my doubts, but I gotta admit: I admire the confidence. Let’s see what you got.

To my pleasant surprise, he immediately hit it off like a champ. When we took him to the park later in the evening, he was speeding like a boss, as shown here - masha Allah, Allahumma barik. 

I’ve observed that within this one year, throughout his time as a 4-year old, many major development milestones as he learnt to do more and more physical tasks independently by himself: Wearing his seatbelt in his car seat, archery, going to the toilet, completing a whole lego set, getting dressed, washing his hands before meals, brushing his teeth, and today: riding a bike. 

And in all of these tasks, I’ve noticed a common pattern of steps in how we can support them in overcoming difficult challenges. 

Here are the four general steps I’ve found that are applicable in pretty much all circumstances:

1. Help them get rid of self-doubt & Convince them to believe in themselves

2. Gradually wean off assistance until they can learn to be independent

3. Be patient with them as they fail & make mistakes

4. Celebrate the wins together

Generally speaking, I’d say these 4 steps are applicable in all spheres of leadership: including the workplace.

#1 HELP THEM GET RID OF SELF-DOUBT & CONVINCE THEM TO BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES

In the initial failed attempts, our minds are very susceptible and vulnerable from negative self-talk that convince us that we aren’t enough: that we’re not talented

Why do we do this? Ironically, it’s actually our brains trying to protect us: from shame. By convincing ourselves that we are not a certain character, we find a justifiable excuse not to even give it a try, so we don’t have to confront the painful frustration of unsuccessful attempts. 

As mentors, parents, and leaders, we need to play our part to convince them - through our words and our actions - that they DO have what it takes. Provide them the emotional support and encouragement that they need. 

#2: GRADUALLY WEAN OFF ASSISTANCE UNTIL THEY CAN LEARN TO BE INDEPENDENT

In the beginning phases, some hands on supervision - perhaps even spoonfeeding - might be necessary. But as they learn to get the hang of it, we learn to let go bit by bit - even if they might not like it or be comfortable with it. In fact, the more we gradually push them outside of their comfort zone, the more they grow and find their footing.

#3: BE PATIENT WITH THEM AS THEY FAIL & MAKE MISTAKES

This one is important. Complementing Step #1, we need to try to be their emotional pillar of support as they grow. Part of building that connection is by exercising patience as they make mistakes. Their brains are being re-wired here, so try to refrain ourselves from showing our frustration, anger or annoyance when they just “don’t get it”. Try our level best to maintain our cool, our composure, and to keep an encouraging tone of voice. 

Remember: It’s hard enough on them as they doubt themselves; the last thing they need is for them to feel that they are letting you down!

If we’ve built a good connection with them, then chances are, they also have a subconscious desire to please us and keep us happy, as the parent or teacher. Showing frustration might give the wrong message that they are making us upset - and they might feel like giving up altogether, in an attempt to preserve that relationship because they hate seeing us in that negative emotional state. 

#4: CELEBRATE THE WINS, TOGETHER

This one’s my favorite. When they finally get it, make sure you finish on a high: cap off that achievement with a satisfying emotional payoff with your little one. A high five, a fist bump, or my personal go-to war cry: An enthusiastic “Woohoo! That was awesome, little man!”

There are a few reasons behind this crucial finisher: 

Firstly Practical. Celebrating wins is a brainhack towards Sustainable Habit building - “When you celebrate (habits), you create a positive feeling inside yourself on demand. This good feeling wires the new habit into your brain. By feeling good at the right moment, you can cause your brain to recognize and enode the sequence of behaviors you just performed.” (BJ Fogg, “Tiny Habits”)

Our brain is naturally wired to love good emotions. When we deliberately put in celebratory gestures or words that boost positive feels, it gives that extra motivational boost. And by doing so, it sets yourself up for future success, as it subconsciously teaches your brain that “the next time you’re about to attempt something difficult, remember, there’s an awesome waiting for you on the other side, once you get past that learning curve”

Secondly, emotional. By celebrating wins, we build memories, together - celebrating little wins is powerful enough by itself. But imagine the potential power if the PARENT is the one celebrating with them as they develop. We develop that bond, together. That “Abah was super happy” when he nailed that difficult challenge. “Ibu gave me an enthusiastic high five when I finished that Lego all by myself for the first time. As these memories stack up, we continue play a crucial role in their upbringing, as our presence always signifies great milestones.

Overcoming the self-defeating mindset: “Don’t start because you won’t be consistent”

 

Do you have these kind of thoughts plaguing your mind, from time to time? 

In a recent course, a sister asked a question, “Someone told me that I shouldn’t start wearing hijab, because if I do, then I won’t be consistent. Then I would take it off. And then put it back on. It’s as if I’m not taking religion seriously. If you want to do it, do it consistently. Or else, don’t even bother”

Sometimes, we tell this to ourselves, too - “I’d rather not start (insert good habit), because if I’m worried that I won’t be consistent.”

This can be anything, from starting to work out, starting to memorize Qur’an, reading a book, enrolling for a course, publishing content on social media, eating healthy, etc. 

Where does it come from? 

Firstly, perfectionism. “If you aren’t going to be consistent, don’t bother.” 

In that unhealthy striving for perfectionism, we become paralyzed from even taking the first step. In many cases, the root cause of this perfectionism comes down to our own ego: Our need to feel embody the persona that “I am a consistent person”, and to protect ourselves from shame of being a "quitter", “I don’t want to be the kind of ‘hangat-hangat taik ayam’ person who starts something and just gives up”.

It’s an indirect form of “fear of failure” in that we hate to confront the potential reality that we might fail to live up to our own expectations. All of it ultimately leads to the same thing: In our fear of being "inconsistent", we self-sabotage. We use "fear of inconsistency" as an excuse to never even start.

It's one of the traps that Shaitan whispers into our subconscious minds to fool us from taking action.

So, how can we overcome it? 

Firstly, stop giving - and listening to - bad advice. Especially those which discourage you from taking action. 

Secondly, shift our mindset to one that focuses on encouraging progress, not perfection: imperfect is better than zero. In fact, ANYTHING is better than zero.

As author Ismail Kamdar once said, “writing 2 pages of crap is better than not writing anything at all”. 

It’s okay to slip and make mistakes. Just keep moving on. Think of ourselves as babies learning to walk. We will fail, sometimes even fall flat on our face. yes, it hurts. But we stand up, we try again. We learn from past attempts. We improve. We try to be more consistent. 

Sure, we may start something and fall off the rails. Maybe we start our workout routine, or memorizing half a page, or pray tahajjud, start an online course, only to find ourselves quitting after the third session. 

My response to that is, well, at least you’ve done two sessions. Since when has zero sessions been better than two? 

Fine, you’ve stopped reading after page 15. Isn’t 15 pages better than no pages at all?

Get rid of this idea that we must be perfect. (It’s perfectly okay to NOT finish reading a book!)

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step”.

HONOURING, NOT DISRESPECT: The “continuous improvement” paradigm of correcting mistakes

 

As my father was growing up, his grandmother used to teach him and the family to recite “Bismillah, Masha Allah” seven times every day.

However, in recent years, as he went to hadith class, he learnt that this practice was based on a baril (i.e. fabricated / false) hadith, and it had no authentic basis in the shari’ah.

His response?

“Well, that was what she knew at the time. In those days, knowledge was limited. Malays didn’t know Arabic. Most of us don’t even know what hadith is. Whatever books that we had, that was it. Buku Kuning (’the yellow book’) - that was everything to us.

Now, as we grow older, with more people studying abroad and with the accessibility of the internet, more authentic knowledge is made available… we learn, we improve lah.”

Masha Allah, what a wonderful mindset!

Instead of getting defensive about his Opah’s teachings, my dad had a perfectly objective explanation, whilst at the same time one that showed her love and respect, while focusing on improvement.

It’s a common challenge we all face, not only in religion, but also at the workplace: When we attain knowledge of something, we finally know what is the “right” thing to do (i.e. what the “standards”, regulations and guidelines say, what the Qur’an and authentic hadith instruct), or that we learn that certain practices that we have been doing might not be correct, when we try to convey that to others, we face a lot of backlash and pushback. Sometimes even hate.

The common perception is that when we try to share constructive feedback to correct certain practices, it is often seen as a form of disrespect.
“Are you saying that all this time, I am wrong? Are you saying your predecessors and forefathers are wrong? Who do you think you are?”

Naturally, when faced with this kind of defensive backlash, our knee-jerk reaction tendency is to fight back. Counter defensiveness with more defensiveness. Fight fire with fire.

… But when has that ever solved anything? We’re only perpetuating the cycle of hate and widening the gap, instead of getting them to listen and bridge our understanding to improve.

Learning from my father’s approach, I learn this important rule: If we want to bring about change, what we should try to convey are words that empathy and wisdom. Be firm, but kind. Above all, exercise patience.

Dear uncle, dear aunty, dear management team: We aren’t disrespecting the decisions that you made, neither are we saying that our predecessors are “wrong”. 

Whatever our predecessors and forefathers knew, implemented, and taught back then - that was all the knowledge that was available to them. Perhaps, back then, back then, resources were limited. They did it to the best of their ability. And just like us today, they might also make mistakes in their day. And if they were sincere, they would want their successors - their future generations like you and I - to build upon the foundations that they have built and improve them further. Let’s honour their work by enhancing it.

It’s okay to be wrong. Just correct ourselves and move on.

Besides, eventually, I will also be a predecessor to the generations after me. I know for a fact that I make mistakes - and I don’t just want them to copy-paste my mistakes. Lessons never learnt?

At the workplace, this is the negotiation strategy we try to inculcate when we bring ideas that seem a little out of the box that might expose certain practices and get challenged. And from what I’ve observed so far, when we explain it in this way, people are very accepting and receptive.

And if they reject us?

Well, our job is only to convey. So let's convey it in the best way possible: with ihsan. Leave the rest to Allah.

“It takes a Village” - Nurturing Jamaah and Building Communities

Just dropped off wifey & the kids here. Honestly, I’m super happy that these sisters are organizing such an awesome event. 

If you type in Google, “it takes a village”, google will automatically finish the sentence for you:

“to raise a child”

As Wikipedia will tell you, "it takes a village to raise a child" is a proverb that means that an entire community of people must provide for and interact positively with children for those children to experience and grow in a safe and healthy environment.

I love the subtle pretext behind how the organizers placed the big-picture intention of the event: “Let’s help each other raise our children together”. It’s not just a one-off gathering, but the long-term goals of building a future, together. 

As parents concerned about raising righteous children, we always worry about their future: How can we raise our children in the context of this modern world with all the problematic modernisms fitan around us? How can we shield them from the negative influence of those nightmare -isms that pollute the minds of our youth, like secularism, aethism, and liberalism, in addition to abundant, easily accessible nightmares in society such as pornography, zina, and drugs? How can we effectively raise polite, kind, compassionate, generous, honest children amidst a society that is moving farther and farther away from these values? What options do we have to provide our children with entertainment that is halal, fun, exciting, and educationally, boosts their personal development, without having to depend on gadgets all the time? How can we provide religious education to our children without having to be forceful and overbearing? 

The good news is, we don’t have to tackle these issues alone. Collectively, we can complement each other to be the solution our ummah needs. 

We can leverage our strengths, unique talents and abilities to help others - just as they, too, might provide their niche skills to contribute to our families, and perhaps make up for our own personal individual shortcomings. 

Through my wifey, I learned that this group of sisters did a lot of great stuff together. Through these little gatherings and simple activities, they stuck together. One of the mums there, started off as a casual participant and eventually became one of the speakers for the event.

In this group, they can provide homeschooling sessions for each other’s children (each leveraging from their own areas of expertise), share suggestions on fun places and activities to take the kids, recommendations on books, even ideas for the mommies on self-care and good courses for personal development. Even though we live in Miri, I still felt the “tempias” benefits of her associating themselves with them. 

All of this culminates in one important objective: building a jamaah. A community of like-minded individuals, based on shared principles and values, actively collaborating to heed the call of Allah: 

وَتَعَاوَنُوا۟ عَلَى ٱلْبِرِّ وَٱلتَّقْوَىٰ 

“Cooperate with one another in goodness and righteousness” (Al-Maidah 5:2)

Personally, I have always believed that this is the solution for providing sustainable positive changes in the ummah: Building relationships and forming communities, and help provide solutions for each other for the common struggles we all face. This was our intent when we started off The Barakah Effect - and continues to be our long-term goal.

As you build this relationship over time, through those relationships, many great outcomes can come out of it. 

We get to know each other. Develop. Learn from each other. Help keep each other on track, when one of our comrades slip off the rails. Feel a sense of belonging when we know others struggle just as we do; and simultaneously get inspiration and ideas from others who have found some solutions. 

Not gonna lie, as a parent, I’m thinking long-term. I do often wonder: How are my children going to find a good person to marry and raise a family together? I feel that, as we build communities, friends we trust, those who we are confident that they put in the effort to raise their children in the best upbringing, this gives us peace of mind to help “nominate” good candidates for our little ones. 

These days, with the advent of technology & modern transportation, we can revive the spirit of “neighborhood” without necessarily being physically close to each other. 

I have witnessed firsthand how powerful these relationships are. Especially when organizers of ilm classes and courses put in the active effort for the students and volunteers to mingle - many of those relationships blossom into great things. On the other hand, just like corporate organizations, those that fail to foster collaborative relationships and only focus on individualism will suffer in the long run. As human beings, we are all fragile. We drift apart. 

For context, our entire team at The Barakah Effect got to know each other purely through networking form Islamic classes. I didn’t know any of them through school, university, or work - we were total strangers who met through islamic circles of knowledge, courses and conferences. All of us bonded on the same premise: We were regular laypersons, each with our own personal history we aren’t proud of, but are now focusing on the common ground, purpose and values, to live by principles of the Qur’an and Sunnah and attain success in the Hereafter. By getting to know each other, by fostering that relationship and trust, we built a podcast together. It is through this, we develop a learning platform to force each other to learn, connect with other amazing like-minded individuals and organizations, while simultaneously add value and help others along the way.

APPLYING THIS WHERE YOU ARE

Generally, we can replicate this sort of jamaah initiative and constant work wherever we are. Start small. Just a few families - simple programs like storytelling, sharing what we learnt in class. Gather to to recite or memorize portions of the Qur’an. Potluck and bring your food. Spend time doing activities together. 

We hear people talk about networking for business or career opportunities. How about we switch things up and instead, we set our intentions and goals to be actively networking in order to build communities for our future generations. 

Here’s hoping events like these continue. 

May Allah grant us the strength to play our roles to contribute to building communities of righteous believers who help each other attain success in dunya and akhirah

Perkongsian: Pengaruh housemate “geng masjid” saya

 

Rasulullah ﷺ bersabda, salah satu antara 7 golongan yang akan mendapat naungan pada Hari Kiamat adalah

وَرَجُلٌ قَلْبُهُ مُعَلَّقٌ فِي الْمَسَاجِدِ

“Seorang yang hatinya selalu terikat pada masjid” (HR Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

Saya pernah jumpa orang macam ni. Ok lah.. at least, saya rasa lah, dia orang macam ni.

Orang tersebut adalah ex-housemate saya (nama dirahsiakan. Untuk penulisan ni, kita panggil dia “abang Jep”). Sewaktu mula-mula sekali start bekerja di Miri pada tahun 2008, kami menyewa rumah bersama.

Waktu tu, saya lain. Masih merokok. Janggut belum ada lagi. Solat pun masih tunggang langgang. Tak reti pegi masjid kecuali solat jumaat, terawih dan solat raya. Tapi kawan ni, housemate saya abang Jep - sangat rajin pergi masjid setiap hari, walaupun pada waktu tersebut, dia tiada kereta sendiri. Subuh, Maghrib, Isha: setiap hari beliau akan pinjam kereta housemate; kalau takde kereta, dia tetap juga akan jalan dari rumah ke masjid, jarak dalam 1km.
Ya, walaupun waktu subuh 😱.

Lama-kelamaan dia start pinjam kereta saya untuk ke masjid, walaupun saya sendiri tak pegi. Lawak gak, masa tu saya rasa seronok dan agak bangga, sebab kononnya housemate guna kereta saya untuk tujuan ibadah. Padahal sendiri tak pegi 😆. Dah tahu fadilat solat jemaah 27x ganda, housemet dah pegi masjid bawak kereta aku, tapi still jugak solat sorang2 kat bilik. Fail.

Satu hari, masa tengah main videogame Xbox saya - rasanya pada waktu maghrib - Abang Jep cakap, “eh.. jom la bro. Ikut i pegi masjid. Nanti balik karang u sambung la main”

Betul jugak. Pegi kejap je, pastu sambung.

Ok lah. Jom.

Rasa2nya, tulah first time saya solat fardhu di masjid di luar Ramadan. Rasa macam.. best pulak. Takde la susah sangat. Sempoi je. Solat 5 minit, pastu balik. Setel. Balik tu, main lah game puas2.

Tapi semenjak hari tersebut, tercetuslah rasa semangat untuk teruskan tabiat ini setiap hari. Satu tabiat harian yang  saya cuba kekalkan dengan istiqamah sehingga hari ini: Hampir 15 tahun kemudian. Dan saya harap, terus kekal sehingga nafas terakhir. 

Saya doakan semoga Allah mengurniakan juga pahala kepadanya setiap kali saya pergi solat fardu di masjid, kerana Nabi ﷺ bersabda,

مَنْ دَعَا إِلَى هُدًى، كَانَ لَهُ مِنَ الْأَجْرِ مِثْلُ أُجُورِ مَنْ تَبِعَهُ، لَا يَنْقُصُ ذَلِكَ مِنْ أُجُورِهِمْ شَيْئًا

“Barangsiapa yang menyeru (seseorang) kepada hidayah, baginya ganjaran sepertimana ganjaran orang yang mengikutinya tanpa mengurangi sedikitpun daripada ganjaran mereka (yang melakukan).” [HR Muslim (2674)]

WALAUPUN TRAVEL…

Yang saya rasa amat kagum dengan sikap dia.. Dia akan tetap istiqamah untuk solat di masjid walaupun musafir untuk business travel. Saya pernah ikut dia travel. Dia sanggup pilih hotel murah - hotel 3 bintang yang buruk - asalkan walking distance dengan masjid. Kalau ikut kita lah… 1,001 alasan. “Rilek ah bro.. musafir baa”. Tapi dia, tetap nak juga solat subuh di masjid. Masha Allah.. Ini betul2 real cinta masjid, bang. First time saya jumpa orang macam ni.

Disebabkan pengaruh beliau ini juga, skarang, semua tempat saya musafir, saya akan usaha cari masjid. Dah jadi macam adventure, bila holiday, kita test masjid di negeri2 lain. Ini semua berkat pengaruh abang Jep.

CINTA QUR’AN

Dia jugalah antara orang pertama saya jumpa yang cintakan Al-Qur’an. Saya ingat first time saya ikut dia solat subuh pada hari Jumaat. Muka dia sangat happy dan excited bawak saya. dia kata, “masjid ni special bro. Tiap2 minggu hari jumaat, dia akan baca surah sajadah dan al-insan.. ikut sunnah Nabi. Memang best”.

Masa tu, saya tak faham.. “tu yang best? Surah panjang2 ni?” Masa tu, tak appreciate. Kita suka imam yang baca Al-Kauthar dengan Al-Ikhlas. Tak erti rasa kemanisan ikut Sunnah Nabi ﷺ (Kalau tak ikut, memang tak rasa la kan). 

Bertahun2 kemudian, selepas dah hafal dan belajar tafsir surah2 tersebut.. baru saya rasa.. wow.. memang best. Dan Abang Jep lah antara orang pertama saya jumpa yang menonjolkan perasaan cinta nya. Legend. 

ASAL USUL CINTA MASJID?

Lepas kami dah mula jadi geng masjid sebumbung, saya pernah interview dia.. nak belajar sikit “origin story” dia.. mana asal usul semangat istiqamah dia untuk solat di masjid? Adakah ilham datang dari diri sendiri? Atau ada ahli keluarga yang didik dia?

Dia kata, sejak dia kecil, bapa dia yang rajin bawa dia pergi ke surau untuk setiap solat fardhu. Jadi, bila dah besar - masa universiti, masa dah kerja, umur 30-an, dah ada anak 3 orang - habit dah lekat. Dah jadi kebiasaan. Mesti solat kat masjid. Kalau tak pegi masjid, rasa lain macam.

Wow.. ini lah kesan tarbiyah seorang bapa. Dan disebabkan beliaulah, saya rasa semangat dan tergerak hati untuk bawa anak saya Muawiyah ke masjid setiap hari sejak umurnya 2 tahun. Dan saya berharap juga, kalaulah Muawiyah rajin solat di masjid selepas dia baligh, moga2 abang Jep & bapanya juga dapat pahala free.

KAWAN BAIK

Sahabat2 sekalian. Ini lah kesan pengaruh bila kita ada sahabat yang baik. Nabi ﷺ bersabda,

مَثَلُ الجَلِيسِ الصَّالِحِ وَالسَّوْءِ، كَحَامِلِ المِسْكِ وَنَافِخِ الكِيرِ، فَحَامِلُ المِسْكِ: إِمَّا أَنْ يُحْذِيَكَ، وَإِمَّا أَنْ تَبْتَاعَ مِنْهُ، وَإِمَّا أَنْ تَجِدَ مِنْهُ رِيحًا طَيِّبَةً، وَنَافِخُ الكِيرِ: إِمَّا أَنْ يُحْرِقَ ثِيَابَكَ، وَإِمَّا أَنْ تَجِدَ رِيحًا خَبِيثَةً

“Perumpamaan teman yang baik dan teman yang buruk adalah seperti seorang penjual minyak wangi dan seorang tukang besi. Adapun penjual minyak wangi, mungkin akan memberi kamu (minyak wangi tersebut), atau kamu membeli daripadanya, atau kamu mendapat bau yang harum daripadanya - sekadar berada di sekelilingnya.

Sedangkan tukang besi pula, boleh jadi akan membakar bajumu. Atau paling kurang, kamu mendapatkan bau yang busuk bila berada dengannya.”

(HR Al-Bukhari (5534) dan Muslim (2628))

Saya amat bersyukur kerana Allah takdirkan saya stay dengan abang Jep. Antara semua manusia di dunia ni, Allah takdirkan kami report duty pada hari yang sama, di tempat berjauhan dari keluarga, dan tinggal satu rumah bersama. Walaupun kami housemate untuk jangkamasa kurang dari setahun, tapi terasa impak dan kesian besar dalam hidup saya. Allahumma barik. 

Jujur saya cakap, ada juga rasa jeles demi Allah.. bestnya, dia dapat pahala free free je, setiap kali saya pegi masjid. Alangkah baiknya kalau aku pun dapat bagi pengaruh yang baik yang berkekalan untuk sahabat2ku! Tapi yalah.. jangan angan2 je. Nak pahala, kena la usaha. Ajak je kawan kita. Kalau diorg buat tak tahu, ajak lagi. Kadang2 kita ni cepat sangat putus asa. Saya bersyukur la abang Jep tak putus asa dengan saya.

Kita semua ada sahabat2 yang perlukan dorongan. Jadi lah seorang sahabat seperti abang Jep.

Imam Syafi'ee pernah berkata:
“Jika engkau mempunyai teman yang selalu membantumu dalam rangka ketaatan kepada Allah, maka peganglah dia erat-erat, jangan pernah kau lepaskannya. Kerana mencari teman yang baik itu susah, tetapi melepaskannya sangat mudah sekali…”
(Ruj: Sifat As-Safwah)

Semoga menjadi contoh teladan yang baik agar dijadikan ibrah untuk kita semua, dan semoga Allah jadikan kita semua istiqamah dalam beribadah kepada-Nya dengan cara yang Dia paling Cintai.. 🤲🏽

One of my favorite Parenting Advice: How to Deal with Emotional outbursts & tantrums

 

One of the most practical parenting tip I learnt was something I learnt from the book "The Montessori Toddler: A parent's guide to raising a curious and responsible human being", by Simone Davies - about learning and to deal with tantrums and any emotional outbursts such as intense pain or waking up from a nightmare:

"The first thing to do is to help them calm down."

That's it. When they are in emo mode, "all the reasoning in the world or explanations will fall on deaf ears. We need to first help them close the lid by giving them support to calm down."

Sounds, so basic, right? 

It’s so simple but so effective. 

And so, so difficult to implement. Much easier said than done.

In our recent airplane ride, while Muawiyah was sleeping beside me, he suddenly woke up started shouting in pain.

As any parent would have experienced, having our children cry out loud in an airplane is an incredibly awkward and vulnerable situation to be in. Not only did he wake me up from my sleep, he was disturbing other passengers. So much internal dialogue going on in our heads as we feel more and more conscious of ourselves: 

"what's going on?! What can I do? It’s just us, and unlike the home which we have the flexibility to change our environment, here in the plane boxed up in this congested tight space. I got nowhere to go, with so many passengers. What will they think?"

Putting into practice what I’ve learnt from the book, I simply gave him a gentle hug and pat him on the back, trying to control myself: No telling him to keep quiet, no bombarding him with excessive questions like "what's wrong" or "where does it hurt?"

Trust the process. 

After a couple of intense, long minutes, he eventually calmed himself and explained that he felt “ticklish” at his feet. He was experiencing numbness in his feet, because of his awkward sleeping position.

Now, if you’ve experienced numbness before, you know what’s coming next: the second phase - the ticklish phase - that’s a lot more shocking, annoying and difficult to handle. 

Boom. 2nd wave kicks in. 

He screamed at the top of his lungs and started thrashing around in pain, almost like a scene of a possessed little girl in a Hollywood horror movie. 

At this point, my patience was tested to the limit. At that moment, I felt like telling him to keep quiet, or try to shut his mouth. But I have to keep reminding myself, "be patient, stay calm, he needs you now. This will be over in 3 minutes. Trust the process."

True enough: after some of the longest 3 minutes of my life, he eventually started to calm down. Gradually, his tone of voice changed. He started initiating conversations, talking about random fun stuff, and before long, he was cracking jokes and back to his usual, cheeky self. In fact, even happier than he was before. 

On a human level, we can see why this simple approach works, even for adults. If we keep yelling at someone who just remains calm and unphased, eventually our rational selves will be wondering, "what's wrong with me?"

Quote:

"We are saying it’s okay for them to melt down. Rather than trying to get the tantrum to stop as soon as possible, allow them to express all their feelings safely until they are calm, and show that we are there to help if they need us. And, once they are calm, we can help them make amends if needed." 

This approach - calming them down - is different from the standard "Biar je" technique of ignoring them and letting them cool down by themselves. But that will just leave them feeling abandoned. Maybe even betrayed. 

How would you feel when you wanted to complain or express yourself to your loved ones, but they just turned away and ignored you? 

Quoting the book:

"Ignoring the tantrum directs our child’s feelings at us instead of at the problem that upset them. It creates a conflict just when they need connection. Calm and kind acceptance encourages them to express their feelings.

Over time, they will find healthier forms of expression, but they will not be scared to share their feelings with us because they will know that we are capable of being kind and calm even when they have feelings that are big and scary." 

And that's what I love about this "help them calm down" approach: not only does it help resolve emotional outbursts in a healthy way, but handled well, it turns in an opportunity for building trust and connection. 

This has been my go-to approach for every tantrum and outburst for the past 3 years, and it has never failed me. If it did ever fail, it's because I was the one who lost my cool and yelled at him, and escalated the situation into a power struggle. Bad move. Can't fight fire with fire. Or, flex my parenting authority to impose it upon him. These approaches It might have worked at the time as a quick fix, but it has negative long term ramifications for the child. What we want to develop is a sense of cooperation and trust, as we grow up together. 

But the key to getting this help-them-calm-down approach to work, is being patient at the first strike: when the tantrum hits. This is the most difficult time when emotions are at its peak and we most overwhelmed - this is when we need to remain calm & stand our ground. This is why the Prophet ﷺ said:

إِنَّمَا الصَّبْرُ عِنْدَ الصَّدْمَةِ الأُولَى ‏

"Verily, true patience is at the first strike of a calamity." (Al-Bukhari, Muslim) 

May Allah grant us Sabr to handle our children and raise them to be the coolness of our eyes, in dunya and akhirah