⚽ Nurturing the "team player” competency in our children

 

During one of our recent Raya gatherings, a cousin of mine told me he was very keen to send his son to proper football training academy. 

The interesting thing here is his intention and goals behind it: To develop the “team player” skillset. He wants his son to learn what it is to depend on each other, to complement each others’ strengths, and compensate for each others’ weaknesses, what to do when you let the team down, how to uplift each other, and to develop the patience to put up with each other’s antics, and differences in personalities, opinions, and backgrounds. More importantly, learn, through action, what it’s like to work together towards a shared goal: That it's not just about personal glory or being the “star player”. 

In essence, they learn to develop sabr in dealing with each other. Which is particularly interesting when we look at it from the perspective of a statement of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ: “the believer who mixes with people and bears their annoyance with patience, is better and will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and does not put up with their annoyance.” (Narrated by Ibn Majah / At-Tirmidzi). The more they train, the more they develop their EQ to put up with each other. 

Why football? 

He said, most of the other common sports - bowling, tennis, squash, badminton, sprinting, archery, swimming, sprinting - are largely grounded in individual (solo) performance. While tournaments and competition do try to incorporate team-based concepts by grouping and teams, the individual nature still relies on our solo performance, and the moment-to-moment activity doesn’t directly inculcate this team spirit. Though doubles for tennis/badminton might have some degree of teamwork, it isn’t quite as full-on team experience as football, or other sports such as hockey or basketball. 

I thought that was a brilliant goal: Nurture the “teamplayer” competency in our children, through team-based sports! Sports provides a platform to achieve a common goal, and have fun in the process.

Growing up, I never saw it from this perspective. Probably because I was “kaki bangku” and consistently terrible at football while growing up and never really had that “feeling” of teamwork. Because i was so lousy that people don’t pass me the ball to give me a chance to improve. Fair enough 🤣.

After 15+ years of working in the professional environment and volunteering for various different organizations, I have come to realize more and more that this spirit of collaboration and being a great team player is such an important skill to have - especially at the workplace and in volunteering. It’s one of those capabilities that can make or break your career, and even an organizations. Yet unfortunately, it’s rarely ever emphasized or taught in our formal education, and as a result, is kind of random: it totally depends on everyone’s individual upbringing and/or personalities. 

There are many people who excel as “high flyer” individual performers, but are terrible when it comes to collaborating with others in a team environment. Sometimes, because they know they are skilled, they have an arrogance about them which makes them difficult to work with. And because they haven’t developed the emotional intelligence to put up with others’ flaws, some of them become temperamental, even toxic co-workers, and have a harmful effect on the team’s morale. Yes, they may be intelligent or brilliant at what they do, but when you factor in all the other intangible damage that they cause, the costs are greater than the benefits they bring individually.

On the other hand, great team players have a tendency of uplifting the morale of the people around them, including their bosses and subordinates. They have the potential to instill trust, loyalty, and bring about a passionate enthusiasm that makes people want to go above and beyond the call of duty. They make the individuals produce more than the sum of their parts. Who wouldn't love to have a great team player onboard?

Islamically speaking, at its core, it’s ultimately about heeding the call to “help one another towards righteousness and piety” as Allah commands us in Surah Al-Maidah, ayah #2. 

I believe all of us need to play our part to place more emphasis in nurturing and developing this skill amongst our teams and our families. 

What are your thoughts on collaboration? Any other suggestions how we can develop and nurture the team spirit? What sports or activities are suitable towards developing this “team player” spirit?

This is what "Courage to Act" looks like to me

To me, our organization's cultural belief that resonates with me most – the common undercurrent that drives all of the other cultural beliefs – is the Courage to Act.

Think about it: When you need to be Customer Focused, to have the patience to endure constructive feedback, and listen patiently tough demands: You need courage.

When you aspire to embrace Innovate Now – to push boundaries, learn from your mistakes, endure the criticisms, fight off the self-doubts, learn from our past attempts, and rise stronger than ever: You need courage.

When you aspire to Be Enterprising – to pursue opportunities and embrace new norms beyond your comfort zone: You need courage

When you need to Speak Up against a clear-cut non-compliance, when you feel your reputation or your goodwill is on the line: You need courage.

 

And finally, what about leadership? You will always be tested with moments that the organization needs the leader in you to step up.

Sometimes, you cannot escape from making difficult decisions, some of which will get you disliked and unpopular. Sometimes, others depend on you in moments you have no idea what you’re doing! Sometimes, inculcating psychological safety requires us to be vulnerable, endure difficult conversations, and regulate your emotions.

All of these require courage.

Is it easy? No! But it’s necessary. Is it scary? Absolutely – in fact, at times, it’s downright terrifying!

But as Nelson Mandela said,

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. 

The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."

Mike Tyson’s Coach, Cus D’Amato had an interesting take on courage:

“What is the difference between a hero and a coward?

They both feel the same: Fear.

They both fear dying and getting hurt. The coward refuses to face up to what he's got to face.

The hero is more disciplined, and he fights those feelings off, and he does what he has to do.”

It’s in those moments of fear, our true character is tested: do we rise to the occasion and embrace the tough challenges, or do we cower away and give excuses?

As we embrace the uncertain future, the organization needs YOU and me – all of us – with the courage to step up. Let’s be the change that we want to see! 

Muawiyah's First Hospitalization Experience - 1st to 5th May 2023

 

وَإِذَا مَرِضْتُ فَهُوَ يَشْفِينِ ٨٠

"And when I am Ill, it is He (Allah - the Lord of the Worlds) who Cures me" (Surah Ash-Shu'ara, 26:80)

Alhamdulillah, discharged today - Muawiyah is back home with his beloved tois. Thank you uncles and aunties for your du'aa and well wishes, barakAllahu fikum ❤️🤲🏼. 

Muawiyah's first ever hospitalization experience came hot on the heels of our Raya holidays after returning to Miri. Since his ibu needed to care for baby adik Rumaysa at home, and we were in Miri by ourselves, I needed to take a few days off from work to accompany and care for him. 

 

Gotta admit, initially, the thought did cross my mind.. “sayang nya” have to take leave, 2+ days gone.. but then I remind myself: Well, what’s the point of 'work', and 'time off', anyway? It can't just be for vacations and holidays: Here’s your chance to step up, be present for your son and provide the quality time and affection in times he needs the most.

Alhamdulillah, as a father, I actually feel glad that he has gone through it, confronted his phobia of doctors and fear of hospitals, and that I was able to be there for him. 

Special thanks to Uncle Syahmi, Aunty Najla, Kakak Amrah & family for sharing those gifts, especially the awesome books (his favorite is “Meet Chase, the Police-Bot”) and the thoughtful greeting cards by Yaasir, and cousins Nuh and Ibrahim - Jazakumullahu khayran! 😊

May Allah continue to grant all of us Al-Afiyah in dunya and akhirah

When The Messenger of Allah was asked, what is the best du'aa, he replied, 

سَلِ اللَّهَ الْعَفْوَ وَالْعَافِيَةَ فِي الدُّنْيَا وَالْآخِرَةِ، فَإِذَا أُعْطِيتَ الْعَافِيَةَ فِي الدُّنْيَا وَالْآخِرَةِ فَقَدْ أَفْلَحْتَ‏.‏

"Ask Allah for forgiveness and well-being in this world and the Hereafter. 

When you are given well-being in this world and the Next, then you have achieved true success."

(Narrated by Adab Al-Mufrad of Al-Bukhari, #637)

IV insertion: Reflections

 

This was the first time Muawiyah had an IV insertion to his palm. Inserting the IV catheter is a very painful experience - even for us adults - the Paediatrician Doctor forewarned that children are expected to shout, cry, and fight back. 

Brace yourself 🙈

It went as expected - and I'm glad the doctor gave this heads up. By flushing it out early, at least we can set up our  expectations and be prepared. 

Oof.. It was difficult. Even looking at his response was painful. Throughout the entire time, I could see it in his eyes that he was crying for help, yet there was nothing I could do, except be present, hold his hand and say comforting words.  

Alhamdulillah, Muawiyah has been recovering well since then; but oh boy, was it a touching experience for a parent - One made even more profound as I am immediately reminded of the following verses in surah Al-Waqi'ah #83-85, where Allah describes the experience we go through when we witness other people people in their last moments on the deathbed: 

فَلَوْلاَ إِذَا بَلَغَتِ الْحُلْقُومَ - وَأَنتُمْ حِينَئِذٍ تَنظُرُونَ - وَنَحْنُ أَقْرَبُ إِلَيْهِ مِنكُمْ وَلَـكِن لاَّ تُبْصِرُونَ 

"Then - while you are seeing in the moment - why do you not (intervene) when (the dying soal) reaches the throat? 

But We are closer to him than you, but you do not see.."

We will all go through a similar experience. In the final moments of our life in this world, when the Angel of Death comes to greet us to take our souls. Perhaps we will be surrounded by the ones we love - those who would care for us, comfort us, yet they can't do anything to ease the experience: All they can do is look at us. 

For the righteous among us, Allah will send beautiful angels, will pleasant appearance and fragrances, comforting our souls to meet a Lord who is Pleased. 

As scary as it will be, it will be a journey of hope and optimism, accompanied by beautiful friends with beautiful words, with a firm promise, that the best is yet to come. 

These angels will be telling us "don't fear, don't be sad - receive the happy news of Paradise, that has been Promised. We were your friends in this world - though you do not see - and so would we be in the Hereafter, and there in Paradise you will have all you desire, as an entertainment from the All-Forgiving, All-Merciful (Surah Fussilat 41:30-32). 

But for the sinners and disbelievers, it will be a terrifying experience, made even more terrifying by the thought that the worse is yet to come.

May Allah grant us all a good ending (husnul khatimah)

🤒 When our children fall sick #ParentingThoughts

It’s a real test to the parents when our children fall ill - They might refuse anything we give them, maybe even totally reject any of our attempts to comfort them. In their emotional state of pain, they may even yell hurtful things at us, or even get physically violent. 

It’s not easy or a pleasant experience and in times like these, I always remind myself of the following: 

1. WE need to be the rock -  In moments of pain and suffering, human beings tend to be emotionally compromised & lose capacity of rational thought, especially children who haven’t fully developed their emotional intelligence.Therefore, whatever nasty things they say or respond to us, don’t take it personally. In siuations like this, as the parent, we need to hold ourselves steady as the emotional pillar for them to lean on, in order for us to be in the best position to help. As much as it seems they don’t want or need us, they don’t really mean it: this is when they are at their most vulnerable and it’s in these times they need us the most.

2. Be firm, gentle AND kind - Of course, times like this, many kids tend to refuse treatment or seeing medical professional; these are times when we need to put our “kesian” thoughts (i.e. feelings of pity) aside and make firm decisions on what’s best for them. And at all times, maintain the approach of kindness and gentleness. The Prophet ﷺ said,

 

يَا عَائِشَةُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ رَفِيقٌ يُحِبُّ الرِّفْقَ وَيُعْطِي عَلَى الرِّفْقِ مَا لاَ يُعْطِي عَلَى الْعُنْفِ وَمَا لاَ يُعْطِي عَلَى مَا سِوَاهُ ‏"‏ ‏.‏

'O A'isha, verily Allah is kind and He loves kindness and gives upon kindness which he does not give upon harshness, and does not give anything quite like He does as he does in gentleness” (Muslim)

3. Remember: Every second of your patience will be rewarded by Allah - Even though the physical pain might be felt by them, but as parents, we too also experience some degree of psychological and emotional pain and anxiety going through the ordeal. All of these will be rewarded by Allah. The Prophet ﷺ said,

مَا يُصِيبُ الْمُسْلِمَ مِنْ نَصَبٍ وَلاَ وَصَبٍ وَلاَ هَمٍّ وَلاَ حُزْنٍ وَلاَ أَذًى وَلاَ غَمٍّ حَتَّى الشَّوْكَةِ يُشَاكُهَا، إِلاَّ كَفَّرَ اللَّهُ بِهَا مِنْ خَطَايَاهُ ‏

“No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, except that Allah forgives some of his sins for that." (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

4. Think long term: Lastly, I always remind myself to think of the big picture  - to Lead by Example. Perhaps, when they become parents, they will subconsciously apply the same humanity and compassion to their children too. And Allah will reward you for that legacy, too.

May Allah grant us the patience to care for our little ones with compassion and mercy.

Muawiyah’s Ramadan Goals

 

This year we tried something new for Little Man, adopted from an idea suggested by bro Aziz in our podcast .

Define his Ramadan goals, make this DIY tracking sheet together, and paste it up a wall in a very visible location he passes by all the time. Every time he meets a goal, he gets to put up a sticker of his choice. For every row he gets a 10, he gets a present. 

What this exercise also thought us is to improve our goal-setting and defining our targets. For instance, we realized that we over-estimated our boy’s ability for fasting. 5-year olds get HANGRY, man. After 4-5 hours, we start to witness some very visible behavior changes. Time to readjust the goals. 

Overall, the results were very encouraging, masha Allah, especially for solat, reciting morning+evening Zikir, as well as reciting/memorizing Qur'an. Things 5-year olds do for toys 😆

When progress tracking is visible and rewards are tangible, it creates a self-motivating mechanism to push ourselves to do more. We are thinking of ways to adopt this approach for long-term goals, beyond Ramadan. 

Any ideas and suggestions? Would love to hear your success stories 😊

Apakah sikap anda dalam hutang, atau bila pinjam duit? Nasihat kepada penghutang

 

Pernahkah anda alami - sahabat baik anda, selama ni member ok je. Tapi saat mereka berhutang dengan kita, tiba2 perangai jadi lain macam. Seolah-olah persahabatan kita selama ni semua dah ke laut.

Sedih, melihat fenomena dan masalah sikap ini makin kerap terjadi di kalangan sahabat2 dan ahli keluarga.

Umar ibn Al-Khattab pernah berkata, antara cara kita dapat nilai dan kenal karakter sebenar seseorang dalam sikapnya apabila kita mengendalikan bisnes dengannya. Terutama sekali bila berhutang.

Antaranya karakter yang akan terbongkar adalah sikap menipu. Rasulullah ﷺ bersabda,

إِنَّ الرَّجُلَ إِذَا غَرِمَ حَدَّثَ فَكَذَبَ وَوَعَدَ فَأَخْلَفَ
“Sesungguhnya, apabila seseorang berhutang, tatkala dia berkata-kata, dia berkata bohong, dan apabila dia berjanji, dia mungkiri janjinya” (Al-Bukhari)

Dan ini kita dapat lihat.. Macam2 alasan kreatif yang dapat dihasilkan bila berhutang.
Manusia, tatkala terdesak, bila takut kena marah, takut dipertanggungjawabkan, akan timbulbya temptation untuk mencari jalan keluar... Reka la alasan supaya terlepas.

Yang menyedihkan, apa yang berlaku juga, ada di antara mereka yang ada “entitlement mindset”.

“elehh.. dia ada duit. Kita orang susah kot. Sedekah je lah. Kan dapat pahala kalau bagi tangguhan. Kan dapat pahala kalau ampunkan hutang. Tak nak pahala ke?”

Ada kes2 di mana si penghutang sound balik & maki hamun lagi sahabat pemiutang. Double zalim.

Lagi parah kalau si penghutang mula ada tabiat transfer hutang: yakni, seseorang mula mengambil pinjaman untuk bayar pinjaman terdahulu. Kemudian pinjaman yang ketiga untuk bayar pinjaman kedua, dan sebagainya. Rantaian yang berterusan. Macam ponzi scheme pun ada.

Tapi simtom yang paling kerap yang saya alami, penghutang mengelak daripada bersemuka. Kononnya, atas alasan malu atau segan. Padahal, apabila mengelak, ia membuat si pemiutang lebih rasa marah. Sekurang-kurangnya, kalau si penghutang ada keberanian untuk berterus-terang, nampak dedikasi dan sikap mereka. Kadangkala si pemiutang ni, diorang ni reasonable je, boleh je nak nego. I okay je nak bagi extension. Tujuan kita bagi pinjaman pun atas dasar ihsan dan tolong menolong.

Tapi kalau you dah unfriend I dan buat tak tahu, ini kezaliman.

Kalau anda kenal orang yang bersikap sedemikian, atau anda sendiri ada sikap macam ni, maka eloklah di sini kita beri pesanan ikhlas kepada mereka yang suka menipu, mengelat dan/atau ghosting ni:

Beramal lah dengan integriti dalam memenuhi amanah anda kepada sahabat anda yang membantu anda. Take responsibility untuk hutang anda. Dapat setel atau tidak, terus terang sahaja dengan sang pemiutang - jangan mengelat. Bawak bincang. Gentleman. Member pun, Kadang2 ok je nak bagi extend. Dia pun insha Allah ikhlas je nak tolong. Bagi lah dia peluang untuk "kasi chance" lagi dan buat pahala.
Kalau kena sound pun, sabar sahaja. Dia bagi pinjam pun atas ihsan dia demi Allah untuk tolong.

Dengarlah wahai sahabatku yang beriman dengan Allah dan Hari Akhir, kalau anda hilangkan diri dan bersembunyi pun, sebenarnya takde guna juga - sebab anda takkan boleh bersembunyi daripada Allah. Macam mana keadaan kita pun akan mengadap dan menjawab kepada Allah juga. Dan, tak kira amal soleh anda, kalau anda mati dengan hutang, anda terhalang daripada masuk syurga. Beliau ﷺ bersabda:

يُغْفَرُ لِلشَّهِيدِ كُلُّ ذَنْبٍ إِلاَّ الدَّيْنَ

“Semua dosa seseorang yang mati syahid akan diampunkan, kecuali hutang” (HR Muslim)

Malah, Nabi ﷺ dah sound dengan tegas: walaupun mati syahid, hidup kembali, kemudian mati syahid lagi sekali, kalau ada hutang: tak dapat, jack..

وَالَّذِي نَفْسِي بِيَدِهِ لَوْ أَنَّ رَجُلاً قُتِلَ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ثُمَّ أُحْيِيَ ثُمَّ قُتِلَ ثُمَّ أُحْيِيَ ثُمَّ قُتِلَ وَعَلَيْهِ دَيْنٌ مَا دَخَلَ الْجَنَّةَ حَتَّى يُقْضَى عَنْهُ دَيْنُهُ

“Aku bersumpah demi Dzat yang jiwaku di tangan-Nya, sesungguhnya kalaulah seseorang itu mati syahid terbunuh di jalan Allah, kemudian dihidupkan semula dan mati syahid lagi sekali - tetapi dia mati dalam keadaan berhutang, dia tidak akan masuk syurga sehinggalah hutangnya dilangsaikan” (HR An-Nasa’i, #4684)

Jadi, apabila seorang penghutang mukmin mengambil sikap acuh tak acuh terhadap hutang mereka, realiti adalah, mereka juga mengambil sikap acuh tak acuh terhadap akhirat mereka.

Kalau you tak serious untuk bayar hutang, you tak serious masuk syurga.
Kalau dia mati, macam mana?

Islam mengambil berat isu hutang ni, yang patut menjadi satu pedoman dan amaran bagi mereka yang beriman kepada Allah dan Hari Akhir. 

Sebaliknya, pada masa yang sama juga, saya amat respect mereka yang serious dalam bayar hutang. Nabi ﷺ menyebut:

خَيْرُكُمْ أَحْسَنُكُمْ قَضَاءً

“Yang terbaik di kalangan kamu adalah mereka yang terbaik dalam melangsaikan hutangnya” (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

Saya pernah alami sendiri, masha Allah, individu2 yang sangat hebat, sangat inspiring dalam sikap positif mereka dalam hutang: mereka yang susah, gaji tak seberapa, tetapi tetap konsisten dalam jelaskan hutang mereka. Sikit, demi sikit, demi sikit.. lama2 settle juga. Walaupun bertahun lamanya, tetapi sampai juga destinasi. Bagi saya, ini menunjukkan mereka ambik serious hal akhirat mereka. Orang macam ni… ini memang legend.

Akhlak macam ni lah yang kita sayang demi Allah. Saya lagi cenderung untuk “maafkan” hutang orang-orang macam ni. Kalau mereka mati on the way pun, at least mereka ada hujjah dengan Allah: aku dah cuba, ya Allah, tapi tak sempat nak settle.

Kemudahan memberi pinjaman adalah satu amal ihsan dan sadaqah yang agama kita tuntut agar mereka yang ada kelapangan dapat membantu sahabat-sahabat kita yang memerlukan. Kalau semua umat Islam ada attitude yang bagus dalam melangsaikan hutang, maka lagi ramailah mereka yang lebih terbuka dan senang hati untuk membantu sahabat2 yang benar2 memerlukan. Tapi kalau lagi banyak kaki kelentong dan kaki mengelat, atau mereka yang suka take mengambil kesempatan, maka mereka2 yang ikhlas akan hilang kepercayaan… no more trust.. maka rugilah mereka yang benar2 memerlukan.

Terus terang sahaja. Settle sekarang di dunia. Senang. Nanti di akhirat, susah bang.

Semoga Allah melindungi kita daripada bebanan hutang, daripada penipuan, kezaliman, dan memudahkan umat kita untuk terus bersedekah dan membantu mereka yang benar2 memerlukan.. 🤲🏽

"JazakAllah khairan" card for Abah

 For the first time, Muawiyah made me this "JazakAllah khairan" card and slipped it in into my laptop, Masha Allah.. allahumma barik ❤️

He got the idea from a book, "Dad is always working" by author Hafsah Dabiri. 

In the book, the main character Abdullah always felt sad that his father always seemed to be busy at work. At almost every situation, Abdullah seemed to express with sadness, “Dad is always working” - something I think Muawiyah can relate to 😢.

One day at school, Abdullah received a homework assignment: As a gesture of gratitude, write a “jazakAllah Khairan” card (i.e. the Islamic equivalent of a “thank you card”). At first, Abdullah wanted to write a card for his mum, because of all the nice things he sees that she does for him.

But then his mother convinced him, that in fact his father had been busy contributing to the family in many ways Abdullah didn’t see, behind the scenes. So Abdullah wrote a card for his dad.

This touching gesture of gratitude reminds me how important it is to choose the right kind of books for our children. It’s not just about being mindful of the “negative” influences, but also being deliberate about choosing some genuinely good ones. Some of the messages in these books can really go a long way towards inspiring positive change. One one hand, this book provided some actionable acts with which our kids can implement immediately. 

But beyond that, this book also gave an important reminder about gratitude: sometimes there are acts of kindness people do for us which we simply do not see or aren’t aware of. Especially from our parents. We might have no idea of the kind of sacrifices and efforts they have made for us - but Allah is All-Aware, All-Knowing, All-Grateful, Best of Providers. And therefore the least we can do is we make du’aa. Although there is much we don’t know, Allah knows best, and with that Knowledge, we make du’aa that Allah repays them. 

May Allah reward our parents with jannatul firdaus 🤲🏼

The Prophet ﷺ said. "If someone has done an act of kindnesss, say to that person:

جَزَاكِ اَللَّهُ خَيْراً

(May Allah reward you with good) - and therefore he has fully expressed his appreciation."

(At-Tirmidzi)

15 years in PETRONAS: 15 Career-Defining Events that have significantly impacted and influenced my life

 

As of 18th February 2023, this would be my 15th year since I reported duty in PETRONAS in this building here in Lutong, Miri, Sarawak.

Feels like only yesterday that I was this overweight, heavy-smoking, metalhead, videogamer who just reported for duty - and yet, QaddarAllah, 15 years later, in spite of all the re-organizations and internal changes that took place, somehow, I am still here .

Alhamdulillah, it has been a wonderful experience, and I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to be working in this organization, to collaborate with some of the most amazing professionals in the world, and grow through some of the best life experiences together.

In conjunction with this occasion, I decided to share a list of what I consider to be 15 of the most impactful events and experiences throughout my career. These are events that have had a significant influence and impact in my professional life, many of which also influenced my personality and personal life outside the workplace, too.

In hindsight, I used to wonder what is all the fuss about “years of experience”. When I re-read my own list below, I can see why: it’s through these experiences - good and bad - that we learn valuable life lessons that shape us into better people. As a young graduate, I would have loved to know these “real experiences”, so feel free to share if you find this beneficial - especially to our generations who will enter the workforce.

I excluded experiences from the past 3 years in order to avoid recency bias, to retain a level of anonymity so that it won't be immediately obvious who I am referring to, as well as factoring in the yet-to-be-proven uncertainty of how ‘impactful’ recent events will turn out in the long run.

Here are the summary list of 15 career-defining events:

1. “Akak takde masa!” - When my senior yelled at me, just because I asked her for help while i was struggling to do my first assignment. It was an important early lesson of what NOT to do as a senior, and how NOT to treat other people.

(Side note to my colleagues: she already resigned OK, so don't bother looking her up or guessing who )

2. Uninvited - When our host project team (from the same company) treated us like outcasts with unprofessional hostility. This hostile environment taught me to develop resourcefulness to find alternative means to get work done, effective negotiation, and professionally navigating office politics without burning bridges, and personal resilience to not to allow our emotions - especially toxic co-workers - to get to our heads.

3. Rejected & unwanted: When another department requested a process engineer from our team to be attached full-time to their project, our boss initially refused to release anyone. In the end, after a series of arguments and justifications, they finally agreed. But to cut their losses, they decided to send away the worst-performing process engineer.
That person was me.
Unflattering as it may be, what started off as a throwaway assignment eventually became one the starting point to some of my favorite years of my experience: the privilege to work with a great leader (one whom I consider to be the best boss I've ever had, hands down), collaborate with excellent team members, my first-ever good performance rating, the opportunity to lead projects in spite being a junior engineer, and opened the path to attain my certification as a project management professional (PMP). Not bad for an unwanted, underperforming reject.

4. When Faisal almost resigned - 

At one point of time in my career, I felt I just wasn't made for this oil & gas engineering stuff. I decided I wanted to resign and instead pursue a career in teaching. But I gave myself some time, so I can "beef up my CV", collect professional certifications and end on a high. Turns out that having this sense of urgency supercharged my career and professional development in every area imaginable - and fueled me the much-needed passion I needed for the job that was lacking all these years. That's when I I could make a conscious decision to stay. 

5. Weekend mentorship: 

One time, our senior engineer spent a whole day over the weekend to coach and teach me to prepare for my technical assessment. The one day of coaching was so effective, that it helped me attain the best assessment score in my entire career, immediately got a promotion, and taught me the building blocks on subjects which I eventually became passionate about in teaching others. A little coaching goes a long way.

6. The Garbage Project - 

When my manager assigned me with a waste handling project, and placed so much emphasis that I should “drop everything else and focus on this”, only to have it rejected by the end of the year and completely erased from my year end performance writeup because it was “controversial”. It was an extremely frustrating experience, making me feel that my efforts were a total waste of time. It taught me a leadership lesson on the importance of consistent expectations, being decisive, & being transparent without playing politics.

7. “No, he is competent!”: 

When our partners expressed their lack of confidence in me, my boss put his foot down, yelled at them and shouted "No, he is competent! He is experienced!" It was the first time in my career I felt that my boss believed in me, and I felt inspired with a genuine sense of ownership to live up to high expectations.

8. Discovering my niche: 

Being certified HAZOP Leader - After about 10 years into my career, I managed to obtain a certification in Leading HAZOP (Hazards and Operability Study). I was the first person among the team to obtain this, and because this wasn't our core job, initially I was quite stressed out by the additional burden to my core responsibilities. But - surprise - it turns out that I actually really enjoy it! And being the only one certified, it opened up opportunities to interact with and learn through many different project teams, engineers, SME's and contractors, which eventually gave me a major edge over my peers.

9. “Now you’ve just confused everyone”: After completing a lengthy engineering study, I sent out a long e-mail which detailed out all the necessary technical details for decision-making, feeling pretty proud of myself. In a surprising twist of events, my boss wasn't impressed, and simply said, "now, you've just confused everyone". This set in motion a whole chain of events that forced me to improve my communication and presentation, and eventually became one of my strengths.

A little feedback goes a long way.

10. Crisis! - Being appointed as SME (subject matter expert) member of an investigation team. 

Initially I was really annoyed with this assignment, because of unprofessional behavior: the actual persons in charge couldn't bother to renew his/her offshore safety passport, so I was "forced" to take up this task because I was the only senior who had a valid offshore passport. Unexpectedly, this simple eventually developed into one of the most exciting, thrilling assignments which not only taught me many unique technical knowledge, but also an assignment that put to the test my attitude of collaboration, integrity, and professionalism; especially when I was eventually confronted by leaders who refused to accept my findings because this might result in "making our KPI red".

11. “I am here to develop others” - 

When our boss drove a project to completion, refused to take any credit, and instead push his subordinates to take the awards and the limelight. When his subordinate said that the boss also deserves the credit, he simply replied with a private WhatsApp message: “I’m here to develop others.” How a simple whatsapp message became some of the most inspiring leadership words I've heard in my career - a masterclass of genuine sincerity and humility.

12. The Dream Team - 

Early on in my career, I was assigned to lead a small team of young engineers, some of the most intelligent, energetic and passionate guys. Our boss called us the "Dream Team" - as cheesy as it sounds, we were determined to live up to it. Everyone pulled in their weight to make sure we facilitated the highest level of collaboration, professionalism, cohesiveness. During the year end performance review discussions, one of our team members said, "for the first time in my career, I was actually excited and looking forward to go to work, when I wake up in the morning". It was this strong relationship that motivated us to be a high-performing team who were willing to go the extra mile for each other, and eventually nailed targets we all thought were impossible. Until today, this small team continues to be my personal benchmark of great teamwork and what we can achieve together.

13. Fed up: How we turned the tides of a demoralized team - In one of the years, our team collectively suffered mediocre performances, which resulted in many team members feeling demoralized, and were frustrated with our boss. But I chose to take a risk and something different: walk up to his office, give him feedback directly to his face, which was honest, direct, and more importantly: respectful.l. The conversation turned into one of finding solutions to help build the team. As a result, the tables were turned completely and our team did very well after that.

A little conversation goes a long way.

14. Majlis Tilawah Al-Qur’an (MTAQ): Taking the first step. When I tried to just to "try my luck", I won. When I tried out the Murattal category in 2017, I won first place - totally defying any expectations.

Lesson: You never know what you're capable of, until you try.

15. Contract administrator - 

A task that began as a lengthy, draggy, frustrating assignment early in my career, which I considered as an unappreciated burden. But it turned out to be one of the most valuable long-term experiences in my career, which offered me contracting experience that most of my other process engineering peers didn’t have (and turned out to be immensely helpful when I was a manager), and opened up many opportunities to expand my networking and get to build relationships with teams from other regions. It taught me never to belittle any task assigned to me or jump to negative conclusions too early: you never know how useful and important it will in the future.

(End List)

What you will observe from the above is that the 15 incidents aren’t all necessarily a pleasant experience. In fact, some of them are actually pretty painful. But in hindsight, this is what life is about: all the ups, downs, and everything in between - that’s what shape us into who we are.

It’s not the experience, themselves, that define us: it’s the choices we make, when we are confronted with them. It’s the attitude we adopt to turn these situations into opportunities and valuable learning lessons. From adversity to advantage. It’s those times we are challenged outside of our comfort zone, that’s when we experience the most growth and learning.

These experiences taught me to keep a positive attitude, keep moving when we encounter failures, mistakes and setbacks. Don't get easily disheartened or traumatized just because a few setbacks come our way. Our first few attempts will fail, and that’s okay. Mistakes are never final.

Sometimes, it takes a few failed attempts, a few bad experiences, a few “wrong” people in our path, to finally arrive at a successful outcome. It might take a few lousy seniors before we truly appreciate the gems of great teachers. And sometimes, these bad experiences allow us to appreciate the good experiences when we finally do get to face them down the road.

And in growing stronger from our past setbacks, it gives us the courage to try: to make mistakes, get back up again, try harder, and break new ground.

What I’ve also learnt over the years is the maturity to forgive and let go. When we look back at our experiences, there is no need to hold a grudge or to wait for the opportune moment to strike back. Take the high road and learn to forgive. Yes, they wronged you, and yes, they need to be held accountable for their misconduct - but we don’t need to perpetuate the cycle. Be the change we need. Try to practice empathy to those who have wronged us. Perhaps they have weaknesses and shortcomings of their own. Perhaps they, too, have unresolved issues and demons they’re struggling with. Have empathy, forgive them, move on, and learn from their mistakes: integrate this learnt wisdom when tackling similar situations in the future.

It's also worth noting that this is only a snapshot from my individual experience. They don't necessarily represent the organization as a whole.

In the coming weeks, I hope to be sharing more about these 15 events and shedding more light about the specific, unique lessons I attained from all of them.

My hopes is that this simple sharing has been beneficial to you, and can help you build more resilience, and approach the challenges with more maturity and optimism throughout the course of your career.

May Allah grant us the sabr to continuously improve and learn from our mistake, to endure the challenges of our lives with ikhlas, ihsan, and istiqamah, and allow these experiences to make us amongst the people of hikmah.

The difficult task of Conveying performance ratings

 

When I first took on the role as a manager, my predecessor once advised,

"evaluating performance ratings is the most difficult part of the job"

He's right. 

Of the entire cycle - from evaluation, to deliberation, to justifying proposals - the final step is perhaps the most difficult of them all: conveying their performance ratings. 

I recall a time earlier on in my career, when I asked my manager directly about my ratings. At the time, I was still struggling with my job, constantly facing a stream of mediocre ratings without really knowing or understanding why. When the final performance ratings were out, I went to him and asked, 

"I would like to know my performance rating. And I also want to seek your feedback and advise, how can I improve?"

His legendary response:

"Just wait for the letter."

Frustrated and unhappy at the answer, I insisted, "okay, well can you at least tell me your feedback? I want to know how I can achieve good performance."

"Just wait for the letter."

Then the letter came, and surprise, surprise: another mediocre performance rating. Which, I got to know later, I was among the bottom-ranked people in the team. The letter didn't state any feedback, description or explanation: Just one measly number to cause long term traumatic disappointment and demotivation. 

As expected, my manager never bothered to even speak to me about it. I have no idea what went wrong, why I received this. Why didn't he have the decency to just talk to me or have a conversation? Why treat me like some nuisance that you're obviously trying to avoid? 

This heartbreaking, traumatic incident taught me one important lesson: How NOT to convey this news to your staff. I told myself that if I were to manage people one day, I would never do it like this like a chicken, hiding behind letters to avoid difficult conversations. 

It serves as a reminder to myself and my fellow leaders out there: We need to add the human touch AND treat people like human beings. Be transparent. Own up to your decisions. Bite the bullet.

Of course, it's easier said than done.  

Now I'm in that position of shouldering this responsibility, I can understand and empathize why people avoid it altogether. We tend to avoid difficult conversations. 

It's never easy to convey the news, particularly when people don't quite get the ratings they believe they deserve and fall short of their expectations. Frustration, anger, disappoitment... sometimes you will get attacked and blamed at for their plight.

Instead of avoiding it or whining about a system we can't control, the most mature & professional thing to do is to accept this painful reality for what it is, and to execute our duties to the best that we can within our control: with ihsan and sincerity. 

Here's what I learnt about how we can beat deal with this:

1. Have the Courage to confront difficult conversations 

One of the crucial leadership skills we must develop is the courage to face and endure difficult conversations. Yes, they will express themselves. Yes, it is unpleasant. 

But that's the job. That's why they pay you for the role. Own up to the responsibility and do it well: have the humanity to hold a decent conversation. 

If you avoid these conversations, you will only build in resentment, bitterness, frustration, demoralization, and potentially trigger a cycle of seeking revenge.

2. Keep it straight: Be honest and transparent 

If the staff underperformed, or failed to meet expectations, or what they can learn from others, just be frank about it and say it out. 

Don't come up with lame excuses or vague blanket scapegoats to blame the boogeyman, e.g. "management" gave you this rating. 

3. Be kind

Unpleasant conversations don't have to be confrontational. Keep the tone kind and encouraging, with the commitment to help each other improve. You can't change the feeling of disappointment, but you can show your 

4. Don't drag the conversation 

As much as possible, keep it brief. Don't need to over-explain yourself, come up with long-winded excuses, or be overly apologetic. If they seek clarification, clarify what you can. But after you've conveyed the key points, just end the session, to respectfully Give them time to think and process their emotions. 

5. Patience

At the core of all of these is to remain patient. Be strong, for "the strong person isn't one who overcomes others with his physical strength; rather, the strong person is one who controls himself when he is angry" (Al-Bukhari) 

Share this message to those who may be struggling with this matter. 

May Allah grant us the Sabr to conduct our responsibilities with Sabr, integrity and ihsan. 

Parenting and Mentoring: The 4-step solution in helping your little ones overcome difficult challenges

 

Today was Muawiyah’s first attempts at riding a bicycle without his training wheels. When the day first started, he kept on expressing his frustration about his lack of ability: 

“Kenapa Muawiyah can’t cycle by myself like other big boys?”

And Abah kept convincing him, “yeah, you can insha Allah. Keep trying, you got this!”

I assisted him to get the bike moving before he paddled himself. And after a few quick attempts - which took no longer than a few minutes - he firmly said, “Abah, you don’t need to hold the bicycle. I will do it myself, ok?”

“Alright, Little Man!” 

I had my doubts, but I gotta admit: I admire the confidence. Let’s see what you got.

To my pleasant surprise, he immediately hit it off like a champ. When we took him to the park later in the evening, he was speeding like a boss, as shown here - masha Allah, Allahumma barik. 

I’ve observed that within this one year, throughout his time as a 4-year old, many major development milestones as he learnt to do more and more physical tasks independently by himself: Wearing his seatbelt in his car seat, archery, going to the toilet, completing a whole lego set, getting dressed, washing his hands before meals, brushing his teeth, and today: riding a bike. 

And in all of these tasks, I’ve noticed a common pattern of steps in how we can support them in overcoming difficult challenges. 

Here are the four general steps I’ve found that are applicable in pretty much all circumstances:

1. Help them get rid of self-doubt & Convince them to believe in themselves

2. Gradually wean off assistance until they can learn to be independent

3. Be patient with them as they fail & make mistakes

4. Celebrate the wins together

Generally speaking, I’d say these 4 steps are applicable in all spheres of leadership: including the workplace.

#1 HELP THEM GET RID OF SELF-DOUBT & CONVINCE THEM TO BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES

In the initial failed attempts, our minds are very susceptible and vulnerable from negative self-talk that convince us that we aren’t enough: that we’re not talented

Why do we do this? Ironically, it’s actually our brains trying to protect us: from shame. By convincing ourselves that we are not a certain character, we find a justifiable excuse not to even give it a try, so we don’t have to confront the painful frustration of unsuccessful attempts. 

As mentors, parents, and leaders, we need to play our part to convince them - through our words and our actions - that they DO have what it takes. Provide them the emotional support and encouragement that they need. 

#2: GRADUALLY WEAN OFF ASSISTANCE UNTIL THEY CAN LEARN TO BE INDEPENDENT

In the beginning phases, some hands on supervision - perhaps even spoonfeeding - might be necessary. But as they learn to get the hang of it, we learn to let go bit by bit - even if they might not like it or be comfortable with it. In fact, the more we gradually push them outside of their comfort zone, the more they grow and find their footing.

#3: BE PATIENT WITH THEM AS THEY FAIL & MAKE MISTAKES

This one is important. Complementing Step #1, we need to try to be their emotional pillar of support as they grow. Part of building that connection is by exercising patience as they make mistakes. Their brains are being re-wired here, so try to refrain ourselves from showing our frustration, anger or annoyance when they just “don’t get it”. Try our level best to maintain our cool, our composure, and to keep an encouraging tone of voice. 

Remember: It’s hard enough on them as they doubt themselves; the last thing they need is for them to feel that they are letting you down!

If we’ve built a good connection with them, then chances are, they also have a subconscious desire to please us and keep us happy, as the parent or teacher. Showing frustration might give the wrong message that they are making us upset - and they might feel like giving up altogether, in an attempt to preserve that relationship because they hate seeing us in that negative emotional state. 

#4: CELEBRATE THE WINS, TOGETHER

This one’s my favorite. When they finally get it, make sure you finish on a high: cap off that achievement with a satisfying emotional payoff with your little one. A high five, a fist bump, or my personal go-to war cry: An enthusiastic “Woohoo! That was awesome, little man!”

There are a few reasons behind this crucial finisher: 

Firstly Practical. Celebrating wins is a brainhack towards Sustainable Habit building - “When you celebrate (habits), you create a positive feeling inside yourself on demand. This good feeling wires the new habit into your brain. By feeling good at the right moment, you can cause your brain to recognize and enode the sequence of behaviors you just performed.” (BJ Fogg, “Tiny Habits”)

Our brain is naturally wired to love good emotions. When we deliberately put in celebratory gestures or words that boost positive feels, it gives that extra motivational boost. And by doing so, it sets yourself up for future success, as it subconsciously teaches your brain that “the next time you’re about to attempt something difficult, remember, there’s an awesome waiting for you on the other side, once you get past that learning curve”

Secondly, emotional. By celebrating wins, we build memories, together - celebrating little wins is powerful enough by itself. But imagine the potential power if the PARENT is the one celebrating with them as they develop. We develop that bond, together. That “Abah was super happy” when he nailed that difficult challenge. “Ibu gave me an enthusiastic high five when I finished that Lego all by myself for the first time. As these memories stack up, we continue play a crucial role in their upbringing, as our presence always signifies great milestones.

Overcoming the self-defeating mindset: “Don’t start because you won’t be consistent”

 

Do you have these kind of thoughts plaguing your mind, from time to time? 

In a recent course, a sister asked a question, “Someone told me that I shouldn’t start wearing hijab, because if I do, then I won’t be consistent. Then I would take it off. And then put it back on. It’s as if I’m not taking religion seriously. If you want to do it, do it consistently. Or else, don’t even bother”

Sometimes, we tell this to ourselves, too - “I’d rather not start (insert good habit), because if I’m worried that I won’t be consistent.”

This can be anything, from starting to work out, starting to memorize Qur’an, reading a book, enrolling for a course, publishing content on social media, eating healthy, etc. 

Where does it come from? 

Firstly, perfectionism. “If you aren’t going to be consistent, don’t bother.” 

In that unhealthy striving for perfectionism, we become paralyzed from even taking the first step. In many cases, the root cause of this perfectionism comes down to our own ego: Our need to feel embody the persona that “I am a consistent person”, and to protect ourselves from shame of being a "quitter", “I don’t want to be the kind of ‘hangat-hangat taik ayam’ person who starts something and just gives up”.

It’s an indirect form of “fear of failure” in that we hate to confront the potential reality that we might fail to live up to our own expectations. All of it ultimately leads to the same thing: In our fear of being "inconsistent", we self-sabotage. We use "fear of inconsistency" as an excuse to never even start.

It's one of the traps that Shaitan whispers into our subconscious minds to fool us from taking action.

So, how can we overcome it? 

Firstly, stop giving - and listening to - bad advice. Especially those which discourage you from taking action. 

Secondly, shift our mindset to one that focuses on encouraging progress, not perfection: imperfect is better than zero. In fact, ANYTHING is better than zero.

As author Ismail Kamdar once said, “writing 2 pages of crap is better than not writing anything at all”. 

It’s okay to slip and make mistakes. Just keep moving on. Think of ourselves as babies learning to walk. We will fail, sometimes even fall flat on our face. yes, it hurts. But we stand up, we try again. We learn from past attempts. We improve. We try to be more consistent. 

Sure, we may start something and fall off the rails. Maybe we start our workout routine, or memorizing half a page, or pray tahajjud, start an online course, only to find ourselves quitting after the third session. 

My response to that is, well, at least you’ve done two sessions. Since when has zero sessions been better than two? 

Fine, you’ve stopped reading after page 15. Isn’t 15 pages better than no pages at all?

Get rid of this idea that we must be perfect. (It’s perfectly okay to NOT finish reading a book!)

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step”.

HONOURING, NOT DISRESPECT: The “continuous improvement” paradigm of correcting mistakes

 

As my father was growing up, his grandmother used to teach him and the family to recite “Bismillah, Masha Allah” seven times every day.

However, in recent years, as he went to hadith class, he learnt that this practice was based on a baril (i.e. fabricated / false) hadith, and it had no authentic basis in the shari’ah.

His response?

“Well, that was what she knew at the time. In those days, knowledge was limited. Malays didn’t know Arabic. Most of us don’t even know what hadith is. Whatever books that we had, that was it. Buku Kuning (’the yellow book’) - that was everything to us.

Now, as we grow older, with more people studying abroad and with the accessibility of the internet, more authentic knowledge is made available… we learn, we improve lah.”

Masha Allah, what a wonderful mindset!

Instead of getting defensive about his Opah’s teachings, my dad had a perfectly objective explanation, whilst at the same time one that showed her love and respect, while focusing on improvement.

It’s a common challenge we all face, not only in religion, but also at the workplace: When we attain knowledge of something, we finally know what is the “right” thing to do (i.e. what the “standards”, regulations and guidelines say, what the Qur’an and authentic hadith instruct), or that we learn that certain practices that we have been doing might not be correct, when we try to convey that to others, we face a lot of backlash and pushback. Sometimes even hate.

The common perception is that when we try to share constructive feedback to correct certain practices, it is often seen as a form of disrespect.
“Are you saying that all this time, I am wrong? Are you saying your predecessors and forefathers are wrong? Who do you think you are?”

Naturally, when faced with this kind of defensive backlash, our knee-jerk reaction tendency is to fight back. Counter defensiveness with more defensiveness. Fight fire with fire.

… But when has that ever solved anything? We’re only perpetuating the cycle of hate and widening the gap, instead of getting them to listen and bridge our understanding to improve.

Learning from my father’s approach, I learn this important rule: If we want to bring about change, what we should try to convey are words that empathy and wisdom. Be firm, but kind. Above all, exercise patience.

Dear uncle, dear aunty, dear management team: We aren’t disrespecting the decisions that you made, neither are we saying that our predecessors are “wrong”. 

Whatever our predecessors and forefathers knew, implemented, and taught back then - that was all the knowledge that was available to them. Perhaps, back then, back then, resources were limited. They did it to the best of their ability. And just like us today, they might also make mistakes in their day. And if they were sincere, they would want their successors - their future generations like you and I - to build upon the foundations that they have built and improve them further. Let’s honour their work by enhancing it.

It’s okay to be wrong. Just correct ourselves and move on.

Besides, eventually, I will also be a predecessor to the generations after me. I know for a fact that I make mistakes - and I don’t just want them to copy-paste my mistakes. Lessons never learnt?

At the workplace, this is the negotiation strategy we try to inculcate when we bring ideas that seem a little out of the box that might expose certain practices and get challenged. And from what I’ve observed so far, when we explain it in this way, people are very accepting and receptive.

And if they reject us?

Well, our job is only to convey. So let's convey it in the best way possible: with ihsan. Leave the rest to Allah.