It’s not often people mention this, but it’s a life-saving tip that can really make a difference to make our marriages happier and more meaningful. Or at least save ourselves from a whole ton of drama.
Getting married will mean you will spend the most private hours of your lives together – and that usually means uncovering a skeleton or two on the true nature of your spouse’s “bad habits” or “bad character traits” – habits which you’d never would have known before tying the knot.
And many a times, these ‘habits’ can be quite a shocker as you “never expected him/her to be like that”
Sometimes, these habits are just annoying, but sometimes they can lead to serious clashes and rifts between the spouse, as they learn to live and cope with the newfound misalignment.
So here are some quick tips which can help :
1. It’s starts with you. You’re not perfect either.
As much as you are discovering the other side of your spouse’s nature, so is your own true nature being unlocked - And you’re no angel, either. So use this as a means to take the firm resolve to change for the better, for the greater good. So don’t startup a shooting range, and if you get feedback, don’t get defensive, don’t get argumentative or antagonizing.
2. Invest in your relationship
The Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said,
“خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِي”
"The best of you is the one who is best to his family (especially to his wives), and I am the best of you to my family." (Sunan ibn Majah, graded hasan)
Make the conscious effort to be the best buddy to your spouse. As the saying goes, “you can only sell to friends” – and a “sincere well-wishing friend” is far more effective, trusted, and beloved than a “nagging spouse”.
Best buddies always accommodate each other, and their feedback will always be appreciated.
A nagging spouse… ehhh…
3. For Allah’s sake, don’t tell others*
Take those gossip temptations and chuck it out the window. Making fun of your spouse or exposing their personal faults is no joke. Likewise, concealing your spouse’s faults is a great deed.
The Prophet said,
" كُلُّ أُمَّتِي مُعَافًى إِلاَّ الْمُجَاهِرِينَ
"All the sins of my followers will be forgiven except those of the Mujahirin (those who commit a sin openly or disclose their sins to the people).” (Narrated by Al-Bukhari)
" لاَ يَسْتُرُ عَبْدٌ
عَبْدًا فِي الدُّنْيَا إِلاَّ سَتَرَهُ اللَّهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ "
“The servant (who conceals) the faults of others in this world, Allah would conceal his faults on the Day of Resurrection.” (Narrated by Muslim)*exceptions may apply, e.g. getting sincere advice
4. Differentiate the habit type
Some habits are haram (e.g. cursing, smoking, revealing clothing, being ‘easy’ with others from opposite gender, pornography), but some are plain annoying or makruh (e.g. perpetually browsing through facebook, whatsapp or the all-important smart phone, not cleaning up the dishes after meals, spending hours on entertainment), and some might be undesirable/unlikeable personal traits which might lead to worse things – e.g. bad temper, procrastinating habit, impunctuality, insensitivity.
Prioritize which ones are the more serious areas of concern, and focus on those. Marriage is a long-term commitment : so work it out systematically, one step at a time, and don’t amp up the drama more than necessary.
5. Don’t be so drama: Be Patient…
They are called “habits”, after all. Change takes time, use wisdom and gentleness. Allah commanded Prophet Moses to speak to Fir’awn (Pharaoh) in a gentle and soft manner (Chapter Ta Ha 20: Verse 43-44).
So if the worst tyrant in the history of mankind should be advised with kindness and gentleness, how about your lifetime partner?
(FYI: no, your spouse is not worse than Fir’awn. Don’t be so drama.)
So speak to each other in the best of manners and with wisdom.
The Prophet ﷺ said
" إِنَّ الرِّفْقَ لاَ
يَكُونُ فِي شَىْءٍ إِلاَّ زَانَهُ وَلاَ يُنْزَعُ مِنْ شَىْءٍ إِلاَّ شَانَهُ "
“Whenever gentleness is added to something, it beautifies it; and whenever it (gentleness) is removed from something, it makes it defective” " مَنْ يُحْرَمِ الرِّفْقَ يُحْرَمِ الْخَيْرَ "
“He who is deprived of forebearance and gentleness is, in fact, deprived of all good” (Sahih Muslim)
" إِنَّ اللَّهَ رَفِيقٌ
يُحِبُّ الرِّفْقَ وَيُعْطِي عَلَيْهِ مَا لاَ يُعْطِي عَلَى الْعُنْفِ "
“Allah is gentle, likes gentleness, and gives for gentleness what he does not give for harshness.” (Narrated by Abu Dawud, classified sahih by Al-Albani)6. .. but at the same time, don’t be negligent
If your spouse (or yourself) has serious negative habits, then don’t shrug it off in the name of “keeping the relationship” – if a bad habit needs fixing, fix it. Sure, do it with wisdom, kindness, gentleness, take your time, etc – but fix it, and don’t get yourself “numb” to non-conformances.
Always remember that it is better to acknowledge our mistakes rather than find justifications to make it “okay”. At least acknowledgement will give us the drive to improve.
If you are articulate enough, you can justify anything - but it doesn't necessarily make it correct.
7. Develop together
Getting back to the first point: Work to fix YOUR own weaknesses and shortcomings first, and stay dedicated and focused towards it. It will induce – perhaps even inspire – your spouse to change for the better, and make him/her realize the need for change. And if it doesn’t – at least YOU are now a better husband/father/wife/mother – and if one major player in the management team improves, that’s already a great achievement.
Remember : “Allah will not change the state of a nation until they (first) change what is in themselves” (Chapter ar-Ra’d 13: verse 11) and, that "Whoever starts a good tradition which is followed, then for him is a reward, and the likes of their rewards of whoever follows him, there being nothing diminished from their rewards" (Narrated by At-Tirmidzi, graded sahih)
Marriage is a partnership, a tag-team, a management team that will be the centralized leadership when the little ones will come some day. It requires both parties have that same resolve to work towards righteousness. When Allah commands the nation as a whole to “وَتَعَاوَنُوا عَلَى الْبِرِّ وَالتَّقْوَىٰ ۖ”- “Help each other towards righteousness” (Chapter Al-Maidah 5: verse 2), it starts with the building blocks of society : the parents.
And that is why, in the first place, as advised by the Prophet, the basis of our marriage compatibility, should be on the basis of our “deen” (our religion and way of life): our values – simply put, if we “answer to the same boss” or “are trying to Please the same One”, that will allow us to focus on the big picture solution and our place in this world.
Hope others will find this useful and spread the word.
May Allah make us amongst those who are best towards their spouse, amin..
