Modelling Honesty & integrity in our Children: Avoid False Reasoning!

Among the most important characteristics we need to instill in our child are traits of honesty and integrity. The Prophet ﷺ said, 

"Truth leads to righteousness (Al-Birr), and righteousness leads to Paradise. A man continues to persist speaking the truth until he is recorded with Allah as a truthful person. 

Lies leads to evil, and evil leads to the Hellfire. A man continues to lie until he is recorded with Allah as a great liar." (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

At a young age, integrity isn’t a concept which is familiar to our little ones. The only way we can teach honesty is to lead by example: Walk the talk. Model truthfulness for ourselves for our little observers to emulate.

A typical example of this that many people use is, “if someone calls the house, and then you tell your child to ‘tell him I am not at home’, then you are not modelling honesty”.

But I really dislike this example for a few reasons. Firstly, how often does that actually happen? Who still uses land line phones these days? Secondly, this advice is impractical for pre-verbal children such as infants and toddlers. Developing positive traits such as honesty must start way earlier than that!

Here is a simple day-to-day parenting tip to model honesty in our little ones: Avoid false justifications!

This is a common trap that many parents – including myself – fall into. When we want to prevent our children from something, we tend to use false reasoning to stop them. 

Some examples: When we want to deny the child from eating some junk food, chocolate or ice cream, we tell them “dah habis” / “it’s finished” when in fact it’s still there. When we want to prevent the little one from using our phones or gadgets, we say there’s “no battery”. When the child wants a toy, we tell him we “don’t have money”.

We do these in the heat of the moment, as an “easy” scapegoat answer to get them to keep quiet. 

It’s even worse when your child can easily expose your false justifications: if they can “see” the denied food in the fridge or cupboard, or if they see you playing with your gadget the minute you tell them there’s no battery. 

Think about it: How would you feel when someone in authority – your bosses, the politicians, etc – gave a lame excuse to avoid accountability, and you exposed their lies? 

So, why do the same to our children?

When our children expose our lies, we lose their trust, harm our relationship, and worse yet: model the behavior of lying as a “means” to an end. 

Here are five points I always remind myself: 

1. Be honest and upfront 

As a parent, we need to be clear on the boundaries we want to set. “What if they get angry and throw tantrums?” Well, that’s expected. They are children. Just train yourself to be patient! We are the adults, after all. We should take the high road to set an example in patience in putting up with their rebellious responses. Is it easy? Well, if we want to raise good human beings who contribute to society, it takes effort. Have faith that it is possible. The Prophet ﷺ said, “whoever TRIES to be patient, Allah will MAKE HIM patient” (Al-Bukhari) 

2. Take the time and effort to explain to them 

Treat them with respect, as human beings with the amazing capacity to learn and become a great person someday. When this is shown in your communication, they will eventually learn to appreciate this (even if it hurts in the moment). I get very angry when parents scoff away this idea of talking to toddlers or young children, thinking that “they are just kids, they don’t understand anyway”. It has an inherent element of arrogance, for looking down on others. 

The Prophet ﷺ said: “He will NOT ENTER PARADISE – those whose hearts have (even) an atom’s weight of arrogance/pride: to reject the truth, and to look down and scorn upon other people” (Muslim)

3. Avoid false justifications even if you don’t get exposed 

It’s not about covering your tracks. It’s about the IDENTITY that you want to model for your little ones. As they say, integrity is about “doing the right thing when no one is watching”. Raising honest children requires us to walk the talk!

4. Think Long term 

Remember, the child isn’t a child forever. As the child grows up, develops his faculties of speech and human reasoning, his observations might lead him to gradually learn, subconsciously, that the parents are liars – especially if the child has younger siblings which you continue to deploy this tactic in their eyes. 

5. The Habit of Lying 

As a human being, you do not want to get into the habit of lying, especially to your own children, whom, by right, as a believer in Allah and the Last Day, are the people that should be the people you are best towards them, as per the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ. Don’t think that you can just one day realize that when your children are older, you can just flick the switch and abandon the habit completely. Your child requires nurturing, but so do you.

May Allah make us amongst those who walk the talk in becoming walking examples of honesty and integrity, and inculcate positive akhlaq in our children

Favorite Books I’ve Read in 2020

Alhamdulillah, one of the things I am very grateful for in 2020 is I have finally built a (relatively steady) habit of reading, after years of struggling and growing up from a childhood engrossed in video games and complete disinterest in books. 

It took a bit of habit-shifting and strategic hacks to finally get the job done – more on that in a separate post in the future, insha Allah – and I hope to continue the habit in the future. 

Here are the titles that I have finished reading this year and my summary review and thoughts for my top 10.  

Share your thoughts! Read any of these books? What do you think of them?

“Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if your life depended on it” by Chris Voss

This is definitely my #1. Not interested in books about negotiation? Neither was I! But it was so highly rated I just had to feed my curiosity. And I was blown away.

This book is so cool. The title itself is such a cool phrase. The premise of the book also oozes of cool: an ex-FBI hostage negotiator who aced Harvard Business School, writing a book enlightening us on his colorful experiences negotiating with terrorists, and teaching us the insider tricks to getting it done effectively. And when you put the techniques into practice, it makes you feel even cooler because of how surprisingly effective they are. One of the techniques – Mirroring – was so effective that the author states that it’s almost as if it’s some sort of jedi mind trick. 

A book that actually makes you feel like a jedi. Need I say more? 

The book completely shattered my expectations about negotiation in many different ways. I always thought of negotiation of being about manipulation, assertion and shameless haggling – but in turns out that negotiation is about building trust, connection, and respect: essentially, as the author himself puts, it’s basically “emotional intelligence on steroids”. Interesting, coming from a man who used to negotiate with terrorists!

The concepts are so deeply rooted in human psychology that I found myself using these techniques in many different areas at my workplace, and even in completely unexpected areas of my life: such as parenting and da’wah.

Thirdly, the book has such a strong quality to it from start to finish; you can “feel” the passion of the author in narrating this, that the length and pace feels just right – not too long or too short. Chris Voss has a very witty, snappy style, and he authentically shares his own internal thoughts and misconceptions – even the mistakes that he made – with very effective storytelling, including his first-person perspective as a student or a hostage negotiator for the first time, even calling out some ideas which is expected to seem a bit strange. He also generously shares the experiences of his students in applying those hostage negotiation techniques in real life – from negotiating personal rental contracts with the landlord, to boarding an overbooked flight, to performance appraisal discussions with superiors. 

Get this book, dear padawans. This is the book you have been looking for. 

“Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap.. And Others Don’t” by Jim Collins

The title of this book has been so overused – even at my workplace – that many people perhaps don’t even know its origins. Good to Great brings years of detailed research, uncovering the secrets of how some companies breakthrough their “good” or “meh” barriers and finally make the leap to become great, in comparison with their comparison competitors who remain in the “meh” zone.

What I enjoy about the book so much is how applicable it is in other areas of life, in many different ways. Paraphrasing author Jim Collins (or rather, as the lead researcher in his huge team of researchers that worked behind the scenes to produce this work) himself says, “I am not a business author. I am an author studying human behavior, using business as the study medium”. The book even presents the internal arguments and debates the research team had (even against their boss, Jim Collins himself!), and why they decided to go with what they did in the end, providing an insightful little meta commentary on the thought processes behind the scenes, providing a very convincing insight. 

From the concept of a Level-5 Leader, Confronting the Brutal Facts, the Hedgehog concept, the Flywheel, Culture of Discipline, all the way up to the concluding statements about addressing the question of “Why should I even bother pursuing Greatness?”, there are so many practical applications in the real world that I’m continuously discovering throughout many parts of my professional and personal life.

“The Montessori Toddler: A parent’s guide to raising a curious and responsible human being” by Simone Davis

I confess, this was the first parenting book I actually finished till the end. And I’m glad I did! 

Also I confess, initially I wasn’t too intrigued by the title or the cover: there was almost nothing about it that appealed to me. But as the first parenting book, the tech geek in me did the only thing it knew: get the book with the best review rating. This book had a 4.8/5 rating on Amazon with 5,000+ reviews. 

Okay. “Buy with 1-Click”. 

Yep, it’s good. 

What I particularly like about the book is how well the author presents the respectful perspective that toddlers are excellent students, and how we can effectively coach them and simultaneously engage them to become confident, cooperative, and curious without relying on gadgets or TV to distract them. It presents a wholly different paradigm to addressing toddler’s apparent misbehavior and instead for us to empathize and see it as emotional expression and a yearning to learn, and as a result, make us better mentors for our little ones, especially in handling tantrums (the most valuable lesson for me!). Concepts like “Trust the child” seem so basic yet so rare to hear of in our culture. 

Admittedly, not everything in this book is easy to implement – especially with the whole physical setup and miniature items – but even with the few ideas that we could, it really improved my approach as a father and husband in many different ways. 

Lesson learned: “Don’t judge a book by its cover”

“Heart Therapy: Forty Hadiths in Tazkiyah and soul purification” by Dr. Ali Albargouthi 

A fantastic reference on purification of the soul – one that I am sure I will always go back to, time and time again. The author comprehensively explains the hadith, and includes many powerful quotes from the Qur’an, other hadith, and the righteous predecessors including the companions of the Prophet ﷺ (with the original Arabic texts intact) with some useful commentary in the context of the world we live in today. 

It is packed with content and demands application to really purify our hearts, and even the author himself recommends to read, digest and implement one hadith per week for it to really sink in. As a bonus, the author’s personal podcast channel (hosted by Muslim Central) has him explaining every single hadith, which helps a lot and almost functions like an audiobook narration. It took me a while to complete the book – more than a year – but the journey feels very fulfilling and really paints a holistic world view on the paradigm of how we should approach life as a whole. 

“Outliers: The Story of Success” by Malcolm Gladwell

The origin of the now-famous “10,000 hour rule”, this book came highly recommended by many bibliophiles. After reading it, I can see why: the author presents a lot of whimsical and unexpected ideas in addressing the age-old question: what makes outliers? Is it talent, nurturing and upbringing, or external factors contributing to the unfair advantage (or disadvantage)?

Surprise: all three of them! But the author presents them in very suspenseful fashion, with some wildly unexpected perspectives: from unlocking the mystery of why, statistically speaking, the majority of state star players in sports are born between January and March (hint: it has nothing to do with astrology or horrorscopes, alhamdulillah); to illustrating the extreme cases of unnurtured talent with, from someone with an IQ higher than Einstein but ended up achieving nothing significant in life; to the shocking reason behind why Korean Airlines had a statistically higher accident rate and finally, the surprisingly intuitive reasoning behind understanding the stereotype that “Asians are good at math”. 

The icing on the cake is the epilogue/conclusion of the book, where the author shares his own personal story with his mother and grandmother’s upbringing, excellently wrapping up all the core components of the books nicely. 

One common criticism about the book is that it doesn’t offer much practical real-world advice on “what to do”, and I can see where they are coming from. You need some thinking and reflection to extract the practical applications – and indeed I found quite a few. Which, to the author’s credit, actually feels very empowering in a way that makes you feel smarter for reading it: that by simply changing the paradigm, he respects the readers enough to fill in the blanks and figure it out for themselves.

“Raising Good Humans: A mindful guide to breaking the cycle of reactive parenting and raising kind, confident kids” by Hunter Clarke-Fields

When I first came across the hadith of Anas bin Malik, who was given to the Prophet ﷺ to serve him for ten years since the age of four and testified that “never once did he rebuke or scold me” (Ref: Sahih Al-Bukhari), I always wondered to myself: 

“Wow. Is this humanly achievable? I know how naughty I was as a boy, and I just couldn’t brain the idea: How on Earth can we raise children with discipline and compassion  – especially from the chaotic toddler age – without scolding them or spoiling them? 

Surely this must be a mu’jizah (miracle) of the Prophet!”

Because the hadith never gets very specific about "how" he conducted his day-to-day affairs, I never quite received or found a satisfactory or convincing answer, until I read this book – Raising Good Humans – and a few others, that finally gave me the inspiring realization on how consistent the approaches are with the sunnah of Rasulullah: With the right approach in our day-to-day lives, it is indeed achievable, insha Allah!

 

Fleshing out further the concepts I learnt from “The Montessori Toddler” book, this book really uncovered the mystery of walking the fine line between punishment and praise, respectfully and compassionately raising them as mentors and teachers in an attempt to, well, raise good humans.  

The author does put a lot of emphasis on self-awareness devoid of any specific religion; which is interesting when I reflect: imagine how much MORE effective if we were to practice or implement Islamic principles divinely revealed from our Creator. There’s a lot of opportunity to build up on, insha Allah. 

“Born A Crime: Stories from a South African childhood” by Trevor Noah

I actually bought this book by mistake, and had no intention of reading it. I wasn’t really interested to know about the life of a comedian / talk show host. But since it was in my library anyway, I decided to just give it a shot and check it out for myself. 

And I was pleasantly surprised. 

Sprinkling a lot of hilarious personal stories, shocking real-world facts about the apartheid and systemic racism in South Africa (which we barely know much of), and a lot of passionate, genuine heart (especially with the inspiring story of his mother), and tons of witty commentary, author Trevor Noah makes for a riveting read from start to finish, taking us through a rollercoaster of emotions as we follow his life story. I was particularly amazed at his mother’s dedication, consistency and persistence in sending Trevor for education and church (and his naughty antics to bypass them).

The book did feel uneven at places, shifting back and forth like flashback scenes from a Tarantino flick, and the end seemed to slow down a lot – but made up for a powerfully emotional conclusion and profound life story, peeling off interesting layers and revealing plenty of depth about the man behind the Daily Show. 

“Mindset: The psychology of success” by Carol Dweck

In this book, author Carol Dweck really fleshes out the importance and core distinction of a “Fixed Mindset” versus a “Growth Mindset”. Although it takes a while to take off, with the author repeatedly pounding on the differing character traits of both paradigms, the author illustrates plenty of real-world examples of emphasizing the importance of a growth mindset: from sports, to business, to school, and even in parenting and family dynamics. 

It tends to get a little too in-your-face, but by the end of the book, it effectively instills some great ideas on applying these concepts in our daily lives, including that as a Muslim, in many different aspects: in our prayers, our Qur’an, our da’wah, charity, keeping ties of kinship, and more. 

“Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The surprising science behind why everything you know about success is (mostly) wrong” by Eric Baker

Another whimsical book in the vein of Outliers, really challenges our worldview with “what are the ingredients to achieve success in life?” (of course, from a purely worldly perspective)

The author utilizes a very witty storytelling techniques to keep you engaged, often inserting tons of stories, backed by scientific research to drive his point, only to pull the rug under you completely to present the unexpected counter arguments (also backed by science!). The book brings in interesting perspectives of what we can learn from Batman, to pirates, licensed serial killers, and the hilarious consequence of over-confidence by illustrating the examples of scammers who eventually fooled themselves.

The stories are snappy and short, reinforcing the core ideas well – but because they are relatively shorter, they don’t quite have the mystery or profound impact of Outliers. However, the author provides a lot of consolidating commentary, distilling the lessons clear and well for application. 

“The Storyteller’s Secret: From TED speakers to business legends, why some ideas catch on and others don’t” by Carmine Gallo

I read this book with the intention to learn some techniques to beef up my speech and presentation skills in preparation for my segment in the Mercy Mission event, Ramadan Daily Dose. 

But I was pleasantly surprised to learn so much more. The author brings about how many people throughout history, including those alive in present times, have transformed the lives of others through their stories. How stories can move and inspire in ways that it can become your most valuable asset and competitive advantage, providing insight to understand the role of stories in humankind. 

Which is why the Qur’an and Hadith of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ are filled with amazing stories; because fundamentally this is the best medium to inspire change and transform nations.

Case Study: Prohibition of Alcohol in USA (1920) vs Madinah (626) - Principles of Sustainable Change: Starts with WHY

“Knowing your WHY is not the only way to be successful, but it is the only way to maintain a lasting success. When a WHY goes fuzzy, it becomes much more difficult to maintain the growth, loyalty and inspiration that helped drive the original success.

When a WHY is clear, those who share that belief will be drawn to it and maybe want to take part in bringing it to life. If that belief is amplified it can have the power to rally even more believers to raise their hands and declare, “I want to help.”” 

(Simon Sinek, “Start with Why”)

Did you know? 

In 1920 – only a mere hundred years ago – America constitutionally BANNED alcohol on a national scale in a historical period called "The Prohibition". This decision came about as a result of a long-fought campaign of some organizations and Christian groups, who considered alcohol to be America's "National Curse" - the cause of crime, corruption, social problems, and health and hygiene issued across the country.

But this prohibition only lasted 13 years, with the country being in a state which many considered "worse than ever". 

What happened?

The country was in chaos. The Prohibition resulted in a massive blow on national economy - thousands of jobs lost, entertainment sales and revenue lowered, tax revenue declined, and over $300 million++ expediture required to enforce prohibition. 

Now, this 18th Constitutional Amendment banned the "manufacture, sale, distribution" of alcohol - but not the drinking. So, desperate for alcohol, citizens started brewing their own alcohol at home - bootlegging. An unhealthy toxic process, this resulted in over 1,000 Americans dying every year because of contaminated liquor. 

Due to the increasing 'desperate demand', crime rates greatly increased, paved the way for alcohol smuggling and black market, resulting in the rise of the mafia and organized crime led by crime lords such as Al Capone.

The lucrative and profitable business eventually also led to rampant corruption amongst police force and government officials; this resulted in nationwide chaos of disorder as court and prison systems were stretched to the breaking point.

Compounding the problem sideways, many drinkers eventually switched to opium, marijuana, cocaine, and other dangerous substances which were not as widespread prior to the Prohibition. 

Problems after problems! 

In 1932, Franklin Roosevelt ran for presidency with a presidential campaign promise to "End Prohibition". Guess how that went?

He won! Of course he did… That was what the people wanted! 

The people never really believed in the evil of alcohol. So in 1933, the prohibition was repealed, as the "National Curse" is lifted. The "Prohibition" (1920 - 1933), dubbed the "noble experiment", was deemed as a massive failure in the books of history, with criminal ramifications that echo until this day. It was literally one step forward, two steps back – and after 13 years, even that step forward was cancelled altogether!

Now, contrast this to what happened during the prohibition of alcohol in Madinah, in the year 626, 1300 years before America’s “National Curse” of the Prohibition.

Prior to the coming of Islam, in the period of Jahiliyyah (ignorance), Arabs have always had a strong attachment to intoxicants, especially wine. Since tribal pride was the most important trait of the period of Jahiyliyyah, wine and alcohol would be the primary 'showcase' of their generosity and tribal strength. Companions such as Umar ibn Al-Khattab were alcoholics, before they embraced Islam.

When the message of Islam first came, it didn't ban alcohol outright. In fact, it was done gradually, after the Hijrah to Madinah - 13 years after the First Revelation. First, the Qur’an revealed that “intoxicants had some benefit and some harm, but the harm was greater” (Ref Surah Al-Baqarah 2:219). Later, the Qur’an revealed “do not approach the prayer in a state of drunkenness” (Ref Surah An-Nisa, 4:43). 

Finally, in the 4th year after Hijrah, Allah Revealed the legislation in surah Al-Maidah, verse 5:90 - total prohibition of intoxicants altogether.

So, how did the Arabs react? This nation whose culture was so deeply rooted in alcoholism and intoxicants?

Anas ibn Malik, the companion of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ narrated: 

“I used to serve alcoholic drinks to the people at the residence of (my stepfather) Abu Talha. Then the order of prohibiting Alcoholic drinks was revealed in the Qur’an: 

“O you who believe! Khamr (intoxicants), gambling, and Al-Ansab, and Al-Azlam are an abomination of Shaytan’s handiwork. So AVOID all of them, so that you may be successful!”  (Surah Al-Ma’idah 5:90)

Then the Prophet ﷺ ordered somebody to announce it. (My stepfather) Abu Talha said to me, "Go out and investigate what this voice (this announcement) is." 

I went out and (upon confirmation) said, "This is somebody announcing that alcohol is now prohibited!" 

Abu Talha said to me, "Go and spill it (i.e. the wine)," 

Then, (as I was spilling the wine), I could see alcoholic drinks was FLOWING through the streets of Medina.

Then they neither asked about it (alcoholic drinks) NOR RETURNED to it after the news from that man.”

(Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

Observe what happened here: The people themselves went the extra mile to chuck out all of the alcohol they had IMMEDIATELY without question, to the extent that the streets of Madinah was flowing with wine. 

Aside from a handful of companions struggling to quit (Such as Abu Mihjan ath-Thaqafi and An-Nu’ayman bin Amir), the entire nation quit immediately. 

And they never returned to it.

So, let’s compare the two nations. What makes them so distinctively different. One, a massive failure on a national scale, and the other, an instantaneous sustainable success story. There are four distinct factors: Clear-cut Purpose, Gradual changes, comprehensiveness without ambiguity, and attitudes of the citizens.

1. Sustainable change must come from clear-cut purpose and principles

The first question: What was their WHY? WHY was alcohol prohibited to their societies in the first place?

Let’s look at America. Why did they prohibit alcohol? Their WHY was never clearly established since Day 1.

They executed the prohibition out of political pressure of a few loud, influential groups. But this didn’t necessarily represent the masses. The masses at large didn’t fully embrace WHY alcohol had to be banned in the first place: they weren’t fully onboard with the idea. 

The love of alcohol and demand for it was still deeply ingrained in their hearts. And where there is a desire, there is a will. And where there is a will against the law, the Mafia and drug dealers make a way: opening the floodgates for organized crime in a scale never seen before.

13 years later, with crimes reaching catastrophic heights, the American leaders have lost the plot: what is the point? Eventually, their WHY to stop the prohibition grew so much stronger – national budgets, social concerns, political pressure from the masses – and eventually they pulled the plug. 

Let’s look at what happened in Madinah. Why did they quit alcohol?

Because Allah made it haram. 

That’s it.

It was simple. Because the Muslims of Madinah had a clear WHY – a clear PURPOSE – in their life. And that was to Worship Allah Alone and to obey His commands, even if they go against what we personally love. 

When Allah legislates it to be haram… What was their response? 

We listen and we obey:  وَقَالُوا سَمِعْنَا وَأَطَعْنَا

The second that the legislation was revealed to prohibit that which they loved, they recognized their purpose, and how this tied into their identity and values, hence put aside their self-interests and desires, khalas: that was it. 

For a sustainable change to happen in society, the WHY has to be established – then the HOW and the WHAT. Listen to this interesting statement from Aisyah, the wife of the Prophet ﷺ : 

“If the first thing to be revealed was: 'Do not drink alcoholic drinks.' people would have said, 'We will never abandon alcohol!'

Instead, the first verses revealed were verses explaining matters (of faith) of Paradise and Hellfire. When the people (truly) embraced Islam (and had faith firmly established in their hearts) – then the verses of halal and haram were revealed” (Narrated in Al-Bukhari)

For the first 13 years in the revelation of Islam, the core teachings centered around iman: worship Allah Alone, do not associate partners. It focused on the ultimate destination: the day of judgment, and the eventual endings of Paradise and Hell. Once this faith has been clearly ingrained in their hearts – the WHY being firmly established – then everything else fell into place. 

When the legislation came from Allah to ban something – alcohol – even if it was something they love, they didn’t question anything – Their hearts were polished and conditioned to wholeheartedly accept that this was what the Creator deemed best for them. They weren’t biased to reject the ruling because of their desires, because of their ‘justifications’ or intellectual reasonings to bypass the ruling – “God knows best” was a life principle they truly lived by. 

Madinah never faced any issues of ‘black market’ gangsterism or corrupt officials at all, nor did they face any health backlash from production of bootlegged alcohol – because the demand was completely severed altogether.

2. Gradual changes

Allah recognizes that human nature requires tarbiyah (gradual, step by step, personal development), beginning first with the principles, values and purpose of life (essentially Aqidah).

And out of His Divine wisdom, recognizing the alcohol was such an important aspect of Arabic culture and these laws of human nature, He instituted a 100% effective step-by-step prohibition to get to the end goal of total prohibition. 

Imam Ahmad recorded that Abu Hurayrah said, "There were three stages to prohibiting Khamr (intoxicants). When the Messenger of Allah migrated to Al-Madinah, the people were consuming alcohol and gambling, so they asked the Messenger of Allah about these things, Allah revealed,

“They ask you about alcoholic drink and gambling. Say: "In them is a great sin, and (some) benefit for men.'' (2:219)

The people said, `They (intoxicants and gambling) were not prohibited for us. Allah only said,

"In them is a great sin, and (some) benefit for men." 

So they went on drinking Khamr until one day, one of the emigrants lead his companions in the Maghrib prayer and mixed up the Ayat in his recitation. Thereafter, Allah sent down a tougher statement,

“O you who believe! Approach not the Salah (the prayer) when you are in a drunken state until you know (the meaning of) what you speak” (Surah An-Nisa 4:43)

Then, the people would drink before the time of the prayer so that they would attend the prayer while sober. Then, finally, total prohibition (Musnad Ahmad).

What America did was to completely go “cold turkey” and prohibited it outright (without even establishing the principles in the first place) - hence the nation collapsed

Is it possible to go “cold turkey”, then? 

Yes, exceptions do indeed happen; but for most people, this is a difficult process that may take years of gradual changes. Even some companions such as Abu Mihjan ath-Thaqafi, still continued struggling with alcoholism until the caliphate of Umar ibn Al-Khattab; years after the death of the Prophet ﷺ ! 

Yet on the other hand, there are the exceptionally strong willpower and discipline enough to kick the habit, despite their addictions and deep-rooted long-time habits. One such person was the companion, Umar ibn Al-Khattab. Despite being an alcoholic in his early years in jahiliyyah, once he became a Muslim, he recognized the evils and harms of alcohol, understood the importance of sobriety, and was “pushing” for alcohol to be completely prohibited in the shari’ah altogether. 

Even before any verse of the Qur’an was revealed, Umar made du’aa saying “O Allah, give us a clear ruling on khamr!” When the first phase of the ban occurred (when Allah says, “the harm outweighs the benefits”), Umar made the same du’aa. When the second phase of the prohibition took place (“do not approach the prayer while you aredrunk), Umar continued to ask Allah, “give us a clear ruling!”

Finally, when the total prohibition was revealed in surah al-Maidah 5:90, Umar said, yes, “we abstain, we abstain” (Narrated in Musnad Ahmad, also in At-Tirmidzi and An-Nasa’ee)

3. Comprehensive prohibition: No backdoor for loopholes

When the verse of prohibiting intoxicants was revealed, the Prophet ﷺ further clarified the ruling of Alcohol to include every form of comprehensive prohibition to remove any form of ambiguity. 

Firstly, he clarified the terminology. Although the Qur’an uses the term “khamr” – meaning wine (manufactured from fermented grapes), the Prophet ﷺ clarifies that EVERYTHING that causes drunkenness and intoxication is included under this heading of “khamr”:

 كُلُّ مُسْكِرٍ خَمْرٌ وَكُلُّ مُسْكِرٍ حَرَامٌ 

"Every intoxicant is Khamr and every intoxicant is haram” (Muslim)

And secondly, in case people wanted to get smart that they “drink but don’t get drunk”, he ﷺ further clarified that small quantities – even taking small sips – are also haram!

‏ كُلُّ مُسْكِرٍ حَرَامٌ وَمَا أَسْكَرَ مِنْهُ الْفَرْقُ فَمِلْءُ الْكَفِّ مِنْهُ حَرَامٌ 

Every intoxicant is forbidden; if a large quantities of anything causes intoxication, a handful of it is also forbidden. (Abu Daud)

Thirdly, and most importantly – the Prophet placed an airtight complete total prohibition from every single point in the supply chain, free from any ambiguity or room for loopholes. He ﷺ said:

 “Allah has cursed intoxicants – the one who drinks it, the one who serves it, the one who sells it, the one who purchases it, the one who produces it, the one for whom it is produced, the one who transports it, and the one to whom it is transported to.”

(Narrated in Sunan Abu Dawud, graded “sahih” by Al-Albani)

This is a stark contrast to America’s prohibition, when they banned the "manufacture, sale, distribution" of alcohol. But not the drinking! Meaning: you can still drink it, if you can get your hands on it, somehow. They practically left the backdoor open.

Hello, organized crime. 

4. Citizen’s attitudes: A conducive environment for change

Finally, to quote Simon Sinek from his book, “Start with WHY”:

When a WHY is clear, those who share that belief will be drawn to it and maybe want to take part in bringing it to life. If that belief is amplified it can have the power to rally even more believers to raise their hands and declare, “I want to help.”

In the narration about the prohibition of alcohol in Madinah, notice here that when the verse of prohibition of revealed, the companions immediately sprung to action – to the point where the streets of Madinah were flowing with wine. 

Even if a person did have that attachment of alcohol in his heart, that small hint of resistance to obey, the response of the masses – the environment around him – would have induced a severe peer pressure to blend in. It was a community of upright citizens, ready to go the extra mile to do the right thing. 

In America, legislation only made things difficult. People still wanted to devise clever tricks to get their booze, and boy did they. Those who weren’t quite onboard with the idea, continued to promote the demand for the organized crime to bring in the supply, and the downward spiral of social problems continued escalating towards severe consequences to the country.

I am reminded of similar situation in our country, Malaysia in the movement control order (MCO) throughout Hari Raya. Not so long ago, when the government put strict rulings against crossing borders, many stubborn citizens still attempted to seek loopholes to bypass the roadblocks. And many of them – and their family members – did indeed pay the price. 

If we want the people around us to change, it starts with us.

“Allah will not change the state of a people, until they first change what is in themselves.” (Surah Ar-Ra’d 13:11)

Allahu a'lam - Allah Knows best.

Mastering Q&A: The etiquettes and Art of Answering Questions

Note: Long Article – Est 12-15 minute read

Our very first live podcast discussion with Qalby shares was a fantastic experience for the Barakah Effect team, and we were indeed humbled and grateful for the opportunity to connect with the community, especially with the unexpectedly high attendance turnout. One of the most memorable learning experiences of the session was the Q&A, which surprisingly lasted way longer than we expected – lasting almost a whopping 1 hour! 

In the spirit of continuous improvement, the session got me thinking: how can we further improve our Q&A response? What are some best practices in answering questions?

The following is a list of guidelines and etiquettes I have compiled based on my learning, professional experience, and hands-on experiencing in facilitating Q&A dialogue sessions, as well as being on the side of panelists. 

I try to keep these guidelines practical enough to be used in presentations and open dialogue and engagements, including meetings and technical presentations at the workplace.

It is a work in progress, so do share if you have any more suggestions!

1. Keep it concise and straight to the point. Don’t beat around the bush

2. Summarize back the question 

3. Be honest & direct: Call a spade a spade

4. Respect (and if possible, uplift) the question and the questioner 

5. Empathize with questioner's disagreement, doubt and confusion 

6. Tell them the answer, then the justification (not the other way around. Or else it will seem like you are beating around the bush)

7. Minimize disclaimers and filler words  

8. Refrain from using self-callback phrases like "as I said earlier"…

9. … But do make more references to fellow panelists, building on their points

10. Referrals: Try to give them something they can build on to dig deeper and pique their curiosity

11. The Best Way to Respond to compliments: A clean and simple “thank you”

12. If you don't know, just say "I don't know!" 

13. Control your emotions & keep a clear rational mind

14. Responding to subtexts and “reading between the lines” (maksud tersirat) - Avoid speculating negative intent

15. Just do your best. It's okay to make mistakes

Just as all tools, we don’t necessarily have to use all of them all the time, so what matters most is how we apply hikmah (wisdom) to adjust ourselves according to the situation and context, and improve further as we do more. 

With that being said, bismillah, here we go..

What is your current trajectory? #AtomicHabits

 

“Who you are TODAY is a result of your daily habits”.

Imagine reading this quote 30 days, or 1 year from now.

Let that sink in.

In his excellent book, “Atomic Habits”, author James Clear makes a very interesting point: 

“It doesn’t matter how successful or unsuccessful you are right now. What matters is whether your habits are putting you on the path toward success. You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than with your current results.”

What matters isn’t the RESULTS – what we have achieved, or what have are YET to achieve – but rather, it’s in the EFFORTS and decisions we make (or FAIL to make) in the present moment, that accumulates over time. 

It’s interesting when we reflect these words in the context of the following hadith of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. He ﷺ was asked, “who are the best of people?”

The Prophet ﷺ said, “He who lives a long life, and deeds are good.”

But wait... there’s more! 

He ﷺ was then asked, “who are the WORST?”

He ﷺ said, “he whose life is long, but his deeds are evil” (At-Tirmidzi)

Long life – in and of itself – isn’t necessarily a good or bad thing. It’s what you DO with that time that Allah gives you: that’s what truly matters.

Food for thought for us Malays who love wishing “semoga panjang umur” 😉

When we reflect back on our deeds: how we were last month, last year: How is your trajectory in your deeds: In learning? Serving family members? Personal health, such as eating & exercise? Your righteous deeds, such as prayers, Qur’an, Dzikir solah?

Are we on the path of improvement, stagnation or going downhill?

“Making a choice that is 1 percent better or 1 percent worse seems insignificant in the moment, but over the span of moments that make up a lifetime these choices determine the difference between who you are and who you could be. Success is the product of daily habits—not once-in-a-lifetime transformations.

It is so easy to overestimate the importance of one defining moment and underestimate the value of making small improvements on a daily basis. Too often, we convince ourselves that massive success requires massive action.”

#TheBarakahEffect 

Break the Cycle: Be the Beacon of Optimism your Ummah needs!

Back in my student days, I remember watching a movie that started with an interesting monologue: 

"I don't want to be a product of my environment; I want my environment to be a product of me."

No man is an island. Whether we realize it or not, we have an impact on the people around us – in the same way they have an impact on us!

So, how are YOU impacting your environment around you?

Now in 2021, we live in challenging times amidst the COVID-19 pandemic: dragging on for more than a year, as we in Malaysia once again enter a new episode of MCO. Thousands of jobs – and now thousands of lives – lost. On top of all that, we are witnessing ongoing inhuman oppression against our brothers and sisters in Palestine.

Consequently, there is no shortage of negativity and pessimism ever-present in social and mainstream media. Waves of netizens and keyboard warrior vigilantes taking up arms, complaining, arguing, with endless conjectures, theorizing and speculation, blaming and pointing fingers; ironically fighting negativity with even MORE negativity. When has THAT resolved anything?

So now, let’s take a step back and assess ourselves: How are WE reacting? When we observe our own attitudes at home, and our own social media pages, what impact is our behavior – our Akhlaq – having on those around us?

Our true character is revealed in times of stress.

We can be a part of the problem, or perhaps these times of crisis could be our "hero" moment when we choose to rise and elevate those around us.

It’s easy to join the mob and add in fuel to the fire. But instead, I challenge all of us – you and me – to break the cycle: Let’s awaken that believer within to break that cycle of negativity!

Where the world around us chooses to be sour and magnify the pain, let's become a beacon of positivity, hope and optimism to the people around us.

I am reminded by the beautiful example of our beloved Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. This here is a man who was responsible to manage an entire nation, carry the final message of Revelation of God on the Earth with the accountability to teach his companions to carry out this task after his death, to act as the primary judge (qadhi) AND lawmaker (mufti) of the land.

He ﷺ had to manage the internal strife existing within the communities of the hypocrites and the Jews, in addition to the external threat of the Quraysh and the threat of hostile nations around him.

As a man, he ﷺ lived through tragic death after tragic death, from the loss of his beloved wife Khadijah, his dearest uncle Hamzah, and in fact, having to bury all of his children except for Fatimah. All of these, on top of managing a large family, whilst praying every night in Qiamullail to the extent that his blessed feet would crack!

He ﷺ was a man who, by all accounts, had all the right to be frowning and stressed out all day, every day.

Yet interestingly, the companion Abdullah bin al-Harith said: "I have never seen anyone who smiled more than the Messenger of Allah ﷺ!” (At-Tirmidzi)

Jarir bin Abdillah said, “Rasulullah ﷺ has never refused to admit me since I embraced Islam, and every time he saw me, he would smile.” (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

Amazing!

Everyone is stressed out. It’s HOW you respond to it that defines your true character. Which is why the Prophet also said, “the strong person is not one who overcomes others with his physical strength; but rather, the truly strong one is the one who controls himself when he is in a state of anger.” (Al-Bukhari)

The akhlaq of Rasulullah ﷺ teaches us a very important life lesson: Being positive isn’t to ignore the dire situation around the world; but a CHOICE to elevate those around us.

After all, he ﷺ also said, “a good word is (a form of) sadaqah.” (Al-Bukhari)

He ﷺ also said, that “The most beloved deeds to Allah the Exalted are making a Muslim happy, elevating his sorrow, paying his debt, or relieving his hunger.” (At-Tabarani)

This, my friend, is who we need to be!

Let’s step up and be the shining light your community needs: your family, virtual workplace, and your friends. Use this lockdown as an opportunity to spend quality time with your loved ones, especially in praying in congregation (jama’ah) and seeking knowledge together at home.

Utilize our social media reach to spread beneficial knowledge, reminders and advice and be a part of that positive driving force to prepare our meeting with Allah – because remember, COVID or not, the angel of death is going to come anyway!

For those of us who are separated from our loved ones, make du’a for them – and be optimistic that if we die upon iman, our Prophet ﷺ promised that “you will be with those whom you love!” (Al-Bukhari)

Also, take this opportunity to reach out to your loved ones, your friends, your colleagues, even your bosses. Take the proactive effort to check in on them, ask them how they are, and wish them well.

It’s so ironic that we live in an age where, if we receive people who randomly contact us, we immediately think they're going to sell us something or borrow money from us! Again, let's go against the grain, challenge the paradigm and surprise them!

One person at a time. You can make a difference. The Prophet ﷺ said, “do not consider insignificant any one of our good deeds, even if it is to meet your brother with a cheerful face” (Muslim)

Let us play our part. 

“Allah will not change the state of a people, until they first begin with changing the state of their own selves” (Surah Ar-Ra’d 13:11)

Have Fun with your family: the forgotten #Parenting #family virtues of our Muslim righteous predecessors

 

Abdullah bin Umar said, “I am amazed at a man whom, when he is with his family, is playful like a child; but when others transgress (outside of the home), you will find a true man!”

Zaid bin Thabit is one of the greatest scholars of Qur’an among the companions of our Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. Yet, he wais among the funniest people in his home. But outside the home, he is among the manliest of men (i.e. strict and firm)! ("Syarhus sunnah", Imam Al-Baghawi)

THIS is how the companions used to understand the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ: “the best of you is those who are best towards his family, and I am the best of you”! (ibn Majah) 

Makes sense, right? Of all people in the world, who are the ones most deserving of our kindness, generosity, gentleness & good conduct? 

This is, unfortunately, the opposite of what we observe in many amongst us today. You will find certain people, are very friendly & respectful in treating their clients, bosses, & colleagues, able to put up with all sorts of negative behavior to maintain good professional relationships. 

Yet, towards their own families, their wives or their children, they are harsh, temperamental, impatient, & disrespectful. 

At the end of the day, how you treat the people closest to you will be the closest representation of your true, authentic self: Minus the superficial titles, ranks, and authorities we have in the workplace or society, or the “need” to appease others just to “keep our job” or have a good superficial “reputation” in the sight of others.

 

So my dear fellow dads and mums, let’s go back to our roots. Make good on this lockdown to spend Quality time with our loved ones and those who matter most. When it’s time play and/or learning with our little ones, or meal times and conversations with the family, let’s fully commit ourselves to the role: Be present. No phones, social media or work distractions. 

These are moments which you will regret not spending more time with, when we grow older, or when they pass away. 

May Allah make our families the coolness of our eyes and make US a coolness for them.

How I developed a reading habit, Tip #2: Join a Book Club

 

The key to building positive habits & continuous growth is to join activity groups. That is how I got into the habit of reading only recently in 2020: by joining our company division’s Book Club gathering. 

The premise was simple: Anyone in the virtual gathering can take a few minutes to share any book they want - summary, review, takeaway points. 

It was amazing! I was pleasantly surprised by the positive atmosphere of the gathering: it had an electrifying amount of energy, enthusiasm, and passion shared by the book-readers and fellow audiences alike who participated with an infectious level of encouragement and excitement. A much-needed dose of positivity & a welcome morale boost!

The virtual gathering left me with a feeling of #FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) & wanting to be part of this infectious awesomeness. Determined to contribute, I cranked up my reading habits in preparation for the next gathering, sharing Carmine Gallo’s book, "Storyteller's Secret" and unexpectedly won best sharing.

To keep up the habit momentum, I make it a commitment to share & participate at every available opportunity. 

Since then, reading has become a beloved hobby, and I was able to finish more than 20 non-fiction books, from genres such as Islamic knowledge, parenting, leadership, productivity, management, psychology & health. 

Big takeaway point: If this lazy procrastinating fella can start, so can you.

In his book, “The Power of Habit”, Charles Duhigg references a 1994 Harvard study of other people who had dramatically changed their lives. Often their secret wasn’t momentous upheaval. It was just joining a group that consisted of the type of people they wanted to become.

This is what makes Tadarrus/Quran memorization groups, book gatherings, Boot Camps and even Alcoholics Anonymous in America  so effective: the peer pressure, accountability partners who inquire you upon your absence, encouragement & inspiration from those who have succeeded (& failed but keep persisting to try) inspires us to keep going!

And if you can’t find the right activity groups? START ONE! Be the change that others need 😄👍🏼

#PrayAtHome in Lockdown

 

As we Malaysians enter lockdown and our masjids are closed once again #MCO #pkp, it’s time to re-emphasize and remind the importance of polishing up our solah:

1. The most important deed – inside OR outside of Ramadhan – is the 5-daily prayers. If this fails, Allah won’t even look at our other deeds!

The Prophet ﷺ said, “the first deed for which a person will be brought to account on the Day of Resurrection will be his prayer. If it is complete, then the voluntary (prayers) will also be recorded for him (as an increase). If it is not complete then Allah will say to His angels: ‘Look and see whether you find any voluntary prayers for My slave, and take them to make up what is lacking from his obligatory prayers.’ Then all his deeds will be reckoned in like manner.” (ibn Majah)

Remember, #COVID or no COVID, we will die anyway. We will meet Allah anyway. It’s inevitable. But the good news is, we also have complete guidelines how to succeed: So, prepare accordingly!

2. The most beloved deed to Allah: Prioritize our daily schedule to discipline our families to pray early!

Plan our daily tasks AROUND the #prayer times; not the other way around! What tends to happen is, especially for the men, when we no longer have “deadlines” to show up at the masjids on time, we tend to easily get distracted and drift away from praying early. The Prophet ﷺ said, the BEST of deeds are:

الصَّلاَةُ فِي أَوَّلِ وَقْتِهَا

“Prayers early in the beginning of its respective times” (Abu Daud)

 

3. Hold congregational (jamaah) prayers with those in your household!

Look guys, imagine if your boss were to offer you to get DOUBLE your pay. All you have to do, is find someone else to work together with, and do the EXACT same thing that you would have done alone. You’d be crazy to ignore that offer! 

Yet, solah in jamaah isn’t just double (2x) rewards. It's way more than that! Rasulullah ﷺ said, "Prayer in jamaah is TWENTY-SEVEN times superior to the prayer alone." (Al-Bukhari)

4. Our prayers at home is a means of inviting goodness and barakah from Allah to our homes!

“Verily, Allah will make one’s prayers a means of goodness for the household” (Muslim)