Developing Professional Resilience Tip #10: Empathy.

 

Another important tip to help us develop resilience in handling harsh criticism is a little thing called empathy: to detach yourself from the situation and put yourself in the shoes of the critics. To experience and understand the criticism from their perspective and circumstances and context, devoid of judgment: Not agreeing or disagreeing, just understanding. 

Essentially, it all comes down to what Stephen Covey defines this as the fifth habit in his book, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People": Seek first to understand, then to be understood. 

There could be underlying personal and/or professional reasons behind why they behave the way that they do. Maybe they are struggling with other challenges. Maybe their own competency is falling short. Maybe they themselves are terrible at empathy or anger management. 

It doesn't necessarily justify unprofessional or disrespectful behaviour, but at least when you are able to see it from their perspective, you can objectively understand where they are coming from and acknowledge how difficult it must be for them, and for us too, if we were in their shoes. This gets us into collaborative problem-solving mode, and in fact even allow us to learn the other side of the experience: what NOT to do, if you faced that same situation on the other side one day! 

Of course, this is easier said than done.  Why would I empathize with my supposed tormentor, right? 

What I've learnt is that, if you practice this well, you are a lot more effective to achieve a higher objective in the big picture, beyond ego or personal gratification. 

Back in my junior days, I remember making a technical presentation to a subject matter expert who was very disrespectful and arrogant. Interrupting at every point, antagonizing the meeting participants, and refusing to listen to what we had to say. Even though, ironically, our proposal was actually supporting him and his team - it's just that he was too stubborn to listen! 

It turns out that prior to our meeting, he had been through series of meetings wherein other people refused to listen to him. Objectively speaking, I could see why: he wasn't an easy person to work with, and was notorious in his not-so-pleasant work ethic. In fact, when I shared with my colleague that I will be presenting to this SME, my colleague advised "Faisal, it's Ramadhan, make sure you exercise patience". 

I didn't understand at the time, but after experiencing the meeting, I saw why. With a demeanor like that, naturally people wouldn't want to listen to you, let alone work with you. Which fueled his frustration and arrogance even more! 

Then we realized, the solution is to just let him talk. Even though it was OUR presentation. When he was done and I realised that we were actually in alignment, all I had to do is to re-package the entire presentation to his perspective and how it will fulfill his needs. And voila! He concurred and even supported our proposal offline. 

In the recent workshop which I got bashed, I managed to get some private 1-on1 time to talk to the main person who gave me a hard time. Turns out, at this point of time, he was new to the role, and was struggling with challenges related to our team counterparts. When I could see it from his viewpoint, it changed the way I received his tough feedback. Of course, it still hurts, but at least my rational mind can understand and can bring myself to see the merit of his criticism, and we could eventually find common ground to an agreeable solution. 

Empathy isn't just some lovey dovey concept that HR tosses around to make people feel good. When implemented well, it allows us to gain perspective to our surroundings, give us an insight to make better objective judgment. 

Finally, a Question: What if, after practicing empathy, we find that a person is disrespectful for no other reason that he/she is simply an arrogant jerk? 

Go back to tip #5: that's their problem, not yours!  

9 tips to Develop Professional Resilience to Handle Tough Criticism and Feedback (~5 min read)

 

Earlier this week I attended a meeting which I faced some pretty intense criticism. 

It was tough, but it was a valuable learning experience that really got me to realize:

One of the most important life skills and aspects of professionalism we have to train ourselves is to develop the patience and resilience to handle professional criticism, tough judgment from the mob of netizens, and good 'Ol fashioned "bashing by the chairman"

The professional and business environment can be harsh, and even more so in social media. Therefore, if we don't learn the right mindsets and attitudes to confront these uncomfortable situations, it can be paralyzing when we take criticism too personally and dwell on it.

But how can we develop it? Especially us sensitive Malaysians? 

Based on my learning and experience, here is sharing some personal guidelines, 9 tips and mindsets I try training myself on how to handle harsh criticisms and develop professional resilience:

1. Keep calm and "Procrastinate" your emotional response - If you feel emotionally compromised, due to anger, shame or hopelessness in the moment that can derail your rational mind from being objective, then just refrain yourself from saying anything. Don't allow your emotional self to act or blurt out things that you will regret, feel embarrassed or obliged to apologize later on. Just pretend to be patient and hold yourself together long enough, until you find the private space, to proceed to #2. 

The Prophet said, "Whoever tries to be patient, Allah will make him patient" (Al-Bukhari) 

"Do not say anything for which you will have to apologize for " (ibn Majah) 

2. Embrace and process those hard emotions (it helps to have compassionate and supportive company by your side), take your time, but don't dwell on it too long. Then close that book, and move on for good. 

Whatever undesirable outcome that happened, consider it as a closed chapter in your book that we learn and take lessons from, so don't carry grudges or emotional baggage. That situation was to educate us, so use it to be wiser, not bitter. 

3. Nothing personal: Separate "me" from "my work" - This is important. Always Reframe the criticism to think of it as a critique against your work, and not you as a person. The criticism does not degrade the value your personal self worth. Neither is it a personal declaration of war or hostility against you. 

This was, in fact, a reminder that even Allah consoled His Prophet, Muhammad ﷺ as he endured being mocked by his own tribesfolk throughout his lifetime:

قَدْ نَعْلَمُ إِنَّهُ لَيَحْزُنُكَ الَّذِي يَقُولُونَ فَإِنَّهُمْ لَا يُكَذِّبُونَكَ وَلَٰكِنَّ الظَّالِمِينَ بِآيَاتِ اللَّهِ يَجْحَدُونَ

We know indeed the grief which their words cause you (O Muhammad ﷺ ):

it is not YOU that they deny, rather, it is the Verses (the Quran) of Allah that the oppressors deny. 

(Surah Al-An'aam 6:33) 

After all, it's just judgment against your work, nothing more. Even the best world-class artists, performers, leaders, and scholars, even they were not spared from criticism, either. 

4. Growth mindset - As you keep improving yourself, always consider yourself to be a "work in progress". Any criticism laid against you is only your current "phase". 5 years down the road, you're probably going to look back and consider this moment as a time when "I was young and less experienced" or "in my younger, foolish days" 

5. If others showed you disrespect, arrogance, or hurled personal attacks against you, it's their loss, not yours. Don't retaliate or retort. 

Don't give bullies the satisfaction of getting to your head or getting you upset. 

As long as you don't fight back or react emotionally, the honor is yours (and people will see it, too) 

Imam Ash-Shafi’ee once said,  “Say what you wish in abuse of me, for my silence towards an ignorant foolish person, is indeed an answer. I am not at a loss for a response but rather, it does not befit the lion to answer dogs.” 

خُذِ الْعَفْوَ وَأْمُرْ بِالْعُرْفِ وَأَعْرِضْ عَنِ الْجَاهِلِينَ

"Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the foolish" (Surah Al-A'raf, 7: 199) 

وَعِبَادُ الرَّحْمَٰنِ الَّذِينَ يَمْشُونَ عَلَى الْأَرْضِ هَوْنًا وَإِذَا خَاطَبَهُمُ الْجَاهِلُونَ قَالُوا سَلَامًا

"And the slaves of Ar-Rahman (The Most Merciful) are those who walk on the earth in humility and sedateness, and when the foolish address them (with bad words) they reply back with mild words of gentleness." (Surah Al-Furqan 25:63) 

Keeping the end (akhirah) in mind, any form of disrespect also means them donating their righteous deeds to you on Day of Judgment! 

6. Hold the Fort, and keep the big picture in mind - when you receive harsh criticism, or ridiculous demands (e.g." I want this yesterday"), sometimes the convenient thing to do is to give in and just say "yes". 

But remember, it's not about you. If you have a clear intention, stand your ground and don't just cave in under pressure. 

The submissive "yes" might resolve the discomfort in the moment, but could result in a lot of problems down the road and compromise the bigger picture: your team, your project, or your goals. 

And when things go sour later because we didn't put our foot down, ego starts to creep in: we will be tempted to play victim, blame others, throw others under the bus, or give some lame excuses

If you are unable to make the call, then clearly state it, and own up to the consequences. 

7. Focus on SELF improvement - Drive yourself with the desire to be better, not to beat others. Bury the desire to "prove them wrong" - it has the dangerous risk of turning things personal and escalate into an unhealthy cycle of revenge. 

The Prophet ﷺ said, "glad tidings to the person who busies himself in rectifying his own faults, instead of busying himself hunting the faults of others!" (al-Hakim) 

8. Use humor - Here's what I recently try to adopt: Don't take yourself too seriously! Whenever you can remain composed and confident, strategically use humor wherever you can. But be mindful to use it in a sincere & humble self-deprecating kind of way, not the sarcastic, cynical "what-a-stupid-opinion" way. 

From time to time, I try to slip in the casual "I know, right?", "oof, you got me there" or raise my hands and say "guilty as charged, your honor" 

Not only does this defuse the situation and elevates the atmosphere, but subconsciously communicates a confidence that you are unphased, receptive and welcoming for others to speak up and share their thoughts. 

This isn't easy, of course. I could never do this in my younger days. It requires training to get rid of ego, learn self-awareness and gaining empathy of our surroundings, and of course, trial and error. In fact, if you aren't totally calm and composed, or unsure of how they will react, best not to risk it, or else you may have it backfire completely if you sound pretentious or condescending. 

9. Be nice - Wherever you can, show kindness and generosity to your critic. When the professional setting is finished and the boxing gloves are off, you can immediately have a coffee together and hit it off as friends. Demonstrate, by your actions, that you acknowledge that the criticism is nothing personal, and they got nothing to feel bad about. It's just work. And I'm a big boy. 

So that's it! Ultimately, when we combine these elements, the end product and tip of the iceberg is to develop mental toughness, of which the Prophet ﷺ described:

"True strength isn't to overcome others through wrestling them with your physical strength. Rather, the truly strong person is the one who controls himself when he is in a state of anger" (Al-Bukhari) 

Any others? Share your thoughts! 

"Everlasting Love" - Dr. Ali Albarghouthi, 13th February 2022

 

💎 Some gems, highlights and my favorite takeaway points from the talk:

1. When you are looking for your perfect love, one that grants you security and peace in every way, one that makes you truly really happy and optimistic about future, you are actually looking for the love of Allah, whether we realize it or not. Everything - and everyone - will eventually cease to exist, and the only constant is the love of Allah. Nobody stays. All of us are looking for that love that stays. This is the everlasting love

2. Live with this Principle: "Whatever Allah creates, He does so out of Love: Either because He loves it, or He loves its CONSEQUENCE".
EVERY TIME anything happens to you in life - good or 'bad', or any calamity - remember this point. It takes you out of the burden of responsibility and questioning "why". Just leave it to Allah, and put your trust in Him.

3. Remember that the people that you love - your spouse, your parents, your children, your friends - ultimately they are all from Allah. Ultimately Allah is the source of ALL of your Love, and then some!

Q: Sometimes we feel that worship feels like a burden, like a chore. How do we develop this love for Allah?
A: Anything worth doing in life, it has a price to pay. Whether you are studying, trying to lose weight, trying to get a job - it requires us to exert some effort. But ultimately, it's worth it.
If we recognize that the Love of Allah is our priority, then we will work for it. 
Even some of the righteous predecesors of the past, they admitted, that they were struggling to perform ibadah. But they stuck to it, over time, got used to it, and eventually, began loving it.
This is how we need to reshape our paradigm: Yes, sometimes there is some inconvenience or discomfort; but keep our eyes on the prize, the end in mind, stick to it and eventually you will taste the sweetness of Allah's Love. You will even taste the sweetness of the struggle. But you have to put in the effort to discover it.

Q: How do we love others when we ourselves don't feel loved?
A: If you put in the effort to obey Allah and worship Him, then this is in fact a sign that Allah Loves you.
The fact that you worship Allah - or even trying to do so - is a 100% sign that Allah loves you, even if you feel as if other human beings don't love you.
Secondly: if other people don't love me, that's okay. People are flawed. There are many people who don't love the Prophet Muhammad, in fact even hate him. Until today.

Q: How would you advise those who don't feel like they need the Love of Allah? They feel like their lives are perfectly fine without His Love. "So What?"
A: Whatever it is that is making your life "fine", it won't last. It will fade. It's fragile, finite. Sooner or later, it will go away. If you understand this reality and objectively accept this fact, then you will realize that the smart thing to do is to work towards something eternal; a source of happiness that will never cease. An Everlasting Love: the Love of Allah.

May Allah make us amongst those who Love Him, and among those whom He loves.

#thisislovetsp #fortruelove #everlastinglove #thestraightpath2022