Dealing with your Spouse's Habits

I feel that a very important marriage tip – applicable for everyone already in the club, but especially for the newlyweds and the “soon-to-be-married”s – is the issue of dealing with your spouse’s “habits” or “traits”.
It’s not often people mention this, but it’s a life-saving tip that can really make a difference to make our marriages happier and more meaningful. Or at least save ourselves from a whole ton of drama.

Getting married will mean you will spend the most private hours of your lives together – and that usually means uncovering a skeleton or two on the true nature of your spouse’s “bad habits” or “bad character traits” – habits which you’d never would have known before tying the knot. 
And many a times, these ‘habits’ can be quite a shocker as you “never expected him/her to be like that”
Sometimes, these habits are just annoying, but sometimes they can lead to serious clashes and rifts between the spouse, as they learn to live and cope with the newfound misalignment.

So here are some quick tips which can help :

1. It’s starts with you. You’re not perfect either.
As much as you are discovering the other side of your spouse’s nature, so is your own true nature being unlocked - And you’re no angel, either. So use this as a means to take the firm resolve to change for the better, for the greater good. So don’t startup a shooting range, and if you get feedback, don’t get defensive, don’t get argumentative or antagonizing.

2. Invest in your relationship
The Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said,
“خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِي”
"The best of you is the one who is best to his family (especially to his wives), and I am the best of you to my family." (Sunan ibn Majah, graded hasan)

Make the conscious effort to be the best buddy to your spouse. As the saying goes, “you can only sell to friends” – and a “sincere well-wishing friend” is far more effective, trusted, and beloved than a “nagging spouse”.

Best buddies always accommodate each other, and their feedback will always be appreciated.
A nagging spouse… ehhh…


3. For Allah’s sake, don’t tell others*

Take those gossip temptations and chuck it out the window. Making fun of your spouse or exposing their personal faults is no joke. Likewise, concealing your spouse’s faults is a great deed.

The Prophet said,
"‏ كُلُّ أُمَّتِي مُعَافًى إِلاَّ الْمُجَاهِرِينَ
"All the sins of my followers will be forgiven except those of the Mujahirin (those who commit a sin openly or disclose their sins to the people).” (Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

"‏ لاَ يَسْتُرُ عَبْدٌ عَبْدًا فِي الدُّنْيَا إِلاَّ سَتَرَهُ اللَّهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ ‏"

“The servant (who conceals) the faults of others in this world, Allah would conceal his faults on the Day of Resurrection.” (Narrated by Muslim)

*exceptions may apply, e.g. getting sincere advice


4. Differentiate the habit type

Some habits are haram (e.g. cursing, smoking, revealing clothing, being ‘easy’ with others from opposite gender, pornography), but some are plain annoying or makruh (e.g. perpetually browsing through facebook, whatsapp or the all-important smart phone, not cleaning up the dishes after meals, spending hours on entertainment), and some might be undesirable/unlikeable personal traits which might lead to worse things – e.g. bad temper, procrastinating habit, impunctuality, insensitivity.

Prioritize which ones are the more serious areas of concern, and focus on those. Marriage is a long-term commitment : so work it out systematically, one step at a time, and don’t amp up the drama more than necessary.



5. Don’t be so drama: Be Patient…

They are called “habits”, after all. Change takes time, use wisdom and gentleness. Allah commanded Prophet Moses to speak to Fir’awn (Pharaoh) in a gentle and soft manner (Chapter Ta Ha 20: Verse 43-44).
So if the worst tyrant in the history of mankind should be advised with kindness and gentleness, how about your lifetime partner?
(FYI: no, your spouse is not worse than Fir’awn. Don’t be so drama.)

So speak to each other in the best of manners and with wisdom.

The Prophet ﷺ said

"‏ إِنَّ الرِّفْقَ لاَ يَكُونُ فِي شَىْءٍ إِلاَّ زَانَهُ وَلاَ يُنْزَعُ مِنْ شَىْءٍ إِلاَّ شَانَهُ ‏"

“Whenever gentleness is added to something, it beautifies it; and whenever it (gentleness) is removed from something, it makes it defective”


"‏ مَنْ يُحْرَمِ الرِّفْقَ يُحْرَمِ الْخَيْرَ ‏"‏
“He who is deprived of forebearance and gentleness is, in fact, deprived of all good” (Sahih Muslim)

"‏ إِنَّ اللَّهَ رَفِيقٌ يُحِبُّ الرِّفْقَ وَيُعْطِي عَلَيْهِ مَا لاَ يُعْطِي عَلَى الْعُنْفِ ‏"

“Allah is gentle, likes gentleness, and gives for gentleness what he does not give for harshness.” (Narrated by Abu Dawud, classified sahih by Al-Albani)


6. .. but at the same time, don’t be negligent

If your spouse (or yourself) has serious negative habits, then don’t shrug it off in the name of “keeping the relationship” – if a bad habit needs fixing, fix it. Sure, do it with wisdom, kindness, gentleness, take your time, etc – but fix it, and don’t get yourself “numb” to non-conformances.

Always remember that it is better to acknowledge our mistakes rather than find justifications to make it “okay”. At least acknowledgement will give us the drive to improve.
If you are articulate enough, you can justify anything - but it doesn't necessarily make it correct.


7. Develop together
Getting back to the first point: Work to fix YOUR own weaknesses and shortcomings first, and stay dedicated and focused towards it. It will induce – perhaps even inspire – your spouse to change for the better, and make him/her realize the need for change. And if it doesn’t – at least YOU are now a better husband/father/wife/mother – and if one major player in the management team improves, that’s already a great achievement.

Remember : “Allah will not change the state of a nation until they (first) change what is in themselves” (Chapter ar-Ra’d 13: verse 11) and, that "Whoever starts a good tradition which is followed, then for him is a reward, and the likes of their rewards of whoever follows him, there being nothing diminished from their rewards" (Narrated by At-Tirmidzi, graded sahih)


Marriage is a partnership, a tag-team, a management team that will be the centralized leadership when the little ones will come some day. It requires both parties have that same resolve to work towards righteousness. When Allah commands the nation as a whole to “وَتَعَاوَنُوا عَلَى الْبِرِّ وَالتَّقْوَىٰ ۖ”-  “Help each other towards righteousness” (Chapter Al-Maidah 5: verse 2), it starts with the building blocks of society : the parents.

And that is why, in the first place, as advised by the Prophet, the basis of our marriage compatibility, should be on the basis of our “deen” (our religion and way of life): our values – simply put, if we “answer to the same boss” or “are trying to Please the same One”, that will allow us to focus on the big picture solution and our place in this world.


Hope others will find this useful and spread the word.
May Allah make us amongst those who are best towards their spouse, amin..

An Honourable End, A Great Legacy

إنا لله وإنا إليه راجعون..

Recently, a public figure passed away

I don’t know much about the person, but I do know this : Regardless of which side of the political fence you were on, everyone who has met him or truly knew him, would respect him, if not love him – whether it was in his words, his sincere smile, or humility.

Despite his heavy tasks as leader, he would not compromise his prayers in jamaah or in teaching conducting his religious classes, and despite having the means to access of great wealth, he deliberately chose a modest, humble lifestyle throughout his leadership, and ending on a high by stepping down after the winning the elections, proving through his actions that it was never about personal glory or motives.

But as inspiring as he was in his lifetime, it was even more so touching and inspiring after his death..

The minute the news was out that he passed away, thousands of Facebook walls, WhatsApp groups, were filled with prayers for him – it went “viral” on a completely different level, so much so that this hadith suddenly became extremely popular :

The Prophet Muhammad said, “Allah will not deprive you of knowledge after he has given it to you; rather, Allah will take away (knowledge) through the death of the religious men of knowledge.

Then there will remain the people of ignorance, who, when consulted, will give verdicts according to their opinions, which they will mislead others and go astray."

(Narrated in Sahih Al-Bukhari)

There was such widespread recognition of this person’s status of a person of knowledge, and a feeling of such a great loss to the ummah, and that the people lost someone they genuinely love and respect.  

And the funeral procession certainly showed.

People would drive for hours to attend his funeral to pray for him and follow the procession. Streets were filled with waves of crowds, tens of thousands would come in an event  that can only be described as Kelantan’s streets being “flooded” yet again – not with water, but with people, for a funeral procession.

Now, you have to stop to think about this for a second : there is no worldly benefit or material gain in braving this insane traffic to attend a funeral. This wasn’t a mere act of “public show” to please others: People didn’t pray for a politician – they prayed for a person.

This was an earnest effort to attend the last rites of prayer because prayers is the “least I can do – if I truly loved and respected this man”.

His name, if translated from Arabic, meant “slave to (Allah,) the Most Honourable and the One who Grants all Honour and Glory” – and Allah certainly granted him an honourable passing.

Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal, one of the four great imams of Islamic Jurisprudence, he used to say to the deviants/heretics : “the decisive factor between us and you is the day of funerals” – and truthful were indeed his words, when an estimated 800,000 people attended his funeral in Baghdad (!), whereas for his deviant enemies, only a handful would turn out.

His name will always be associated with the recognition of a “teacher”, and to his favor, this, along with his contributions to the ummah and the prayers of his children, will be a means of continuously earning reward of good deeds even after his departure.

The Prophet Muhammad said, “when the son of Adam dies, all his deeds are cut off, except three : (1) continuing charity, (2) knowledge which others continue to benefit from, and (3) a righteous child who prays for him” (Narrated in Sahih Muslim)

Regardless of which political side of the fence you’re on, as a human being, this was an inspiring passing and legacy, and that we pray that Allah grants us with the same, if not better. 

اللهم اغفر له وارحمه و عافه و اعفعنه..

May Allah forgive his sins, have Mercy on him, pardon him, and admit him into Paradise. And may He grant us all with a good honourable end. Amin

The Prophet said, 

 "‏ إِذَا أَحَبَّ اللَّهُ الْعَبْدَ نَادَى جِبْرِيلَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ فُلاَنًا فَأَحْبِبْهُ‏.‏ فَيُحِبُّهُ جِبْرِيلُ، فَيُنَادِي جِبْرِيلُ فِي أَهْلِ السَّمَاءِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ فُلاَنًا فَأَحِبُّوهُ‏.‏ فَيُحِبُّهُ أَهْلُ السَّمَاءِ، ثُمَّ يُوضَعُ لَهُ الْقَبُولُ فِي الأَرْضِ ‏"

"If Allah loves a person, He calls (the angel) Jibril saying, "Allah loves so and-so; O Jibril! Love him." 

Jibril would love him and make an announcement amongst the inhabitants of the Heaven. 'Allah loves so-and-so, therefore you should love him also,' 

and so all the inhabitants of the Heaven would love him, and then he is granted the Love of the people on the earth."

(Narrated in Al-Bukhari)

The Trials and Tribulations of 2015

For many of us, 2015 kicked off on a “bleak” and sour note – with the severe floods across the country with major losses, another plane tragedy, deaths and severe illnesses amongst loved ones..
It is high time for us to reflect on ourselves to ponder upon one wisdom on why Allah has Decreed such tribulations : so we return to Him in humility.

Allah says in the Qur’an:
وَلَنُذِيقَنَّهُمْ مِنَ الْعَذَابِ الْأَدْنَىٰ دُونَ الْعَذَابِ الْأَكْبَرِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْجِعُونَ
“And verily, We will make them taste the near torment (i.e. the torment in the life of this world: disasters, calamities, etc.) prior to the supreme torment (in the Hereafter),
in order that they may (repent and) return (to Allah).” (Surah As-Sajdah 32:21)

وَلَقَدْ أَرْسَلْنَا إِلَىٰ أُمَمٍ مِنْ قَبْلِكَ فَأَخَذْنَاهُمْ بِالْبَأْسَاءِ وَالضَّرَّاءِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَتَضَرَّعُونَ
“Verily, We sent (Messengers) to many nations before you (O Muhammad). And We seized them with extreme poverty (or loss in wealth) and loss in health with calamities –
so that they might believe with humility.” (Surah Al-An’am 6:42)

Hardships and trials should increase a person’s faith –
It should make us come to the realization that our existence in this world can be short lived, and that we WILL meet Allah to answer for our deeds; and if Allah Decrees our early departure, there is none that can prevent it from happening.
It should drive a person to draw a closer to Allah, making him realize that– no matter how much we have invested in this world – at the end of the day, what matters is our good deeds and our relationship with Allah.
It should make us re-evaluate ourselves and our weaknesses as individuals – for “Every son of Adam continuously commits sins, but the best of sinners are those who repent” (Hadith Narrated by ibn Majah and At-Tirmidzi)
It should make us be more proactive about extending help to others. Ponder on what will happen if these trials were to inflict us directly – who will be there for us? So now, what role have we played to support those in need: by our actions, do we demonstrate we love for others what we love for ourselves?

And that regard, we should look at these hardships as a Blessing – had Allah made us remain in our comfort and ease, perhaps our complacency and heedlessness will make us procrastinate again and drift us away from the Reminder to turn to Him and prepare for our meeting with him.

May Allah make us amongst those who turn to Him in repentance, and may He help those in need, and alleviate the suffering and hardships that they are going through.. Ameen.

فَلَوْلَا إِذْ جَاءَهُمْ بَأْسُنَا تَضَرَّعُوا وَلَٰكِنْ قَسَتْ قُلُوبُهُمْ وَزَيَّنَ لَهُمُ الشَّيْطَانُ مَا كَانُوا يَعْمَلُونَ
“When Our Torment reached them, why then did they not believe with humility? But their hearts became hardened, and Shaitan (Satan) made fair-seeming to them that which they used to do.” (Surah Al-An’am 6:43)

Busy busy busy - Not Good

The past few weeks of being “busy” at work have really taught me how damaging and dangerous a “busy” dunya life can be to our spirituality and our connection with Allah, and how Shaytan plays with your subconscious to drag you under.

You come back late and tired, and all you want to do is relax and crash, to gear yourself up for the next day. You make no provisional time for additional prayers, reciting Qur’an, seeking knowledge, doing da’wah, you compromise on a thing or two, you focus on the few “priority” tasks (family, prayers) to convince yourself that ‘at least you fulfil that’; and the ‘additional stuff’ just have to take a backseat, since “you’re too busy”.

You subconsciously get carried away, with Shaytan beautifying your deeds, and making you complacent as you justify to yourself that work is “ibadah” and hence you shake off the thoughts of guilt, fooling yourself that things will be OK “tomorrow”.

And before you know it, you’re descending a slippery slope that gets gradually harder to come back up.

SubhanAllah! May Allah save us from these pitfalls and may He grant us the iman to resist completency and ignorance, we seek refuge in Him against laziness and forging excuses, and not to be distracted from the “big picture” of our purpose in Life – to prepare the moment we will meet Him.

And may He protect us from making our investment of this dunya overlook or neglect our investment of the Hereafter, and in a meaningful existence of seeking His Pleasure.

اعْلَمُوا أَنَّمَا الْحَيَاةُ الدُّنْيَا لَعِبٌ وَلَهْوٌ وَزِينَةٌ وَتَفَاخُرٌ بَيْنَكُمْ وَتَكَاثُرٌ فِي الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَوْلَادِ ۖ كَمَثَلِ غَيْثٍ أَعْجَبَ الْكُفَّارَ نَبَاتُهُ ثُمَّ يَهِيجُ فَتَرَاهُ مُصْفَرًّا ثُمَّ يَكُونُ حُطَامًا ۖ وَفِي الْآخِرَةِ عَذَابٌ شَدِيدٌ وَمَغْفِرَةٌ مِنَ اللَّـهِ وَرِضْوَانٌ ۚ وَمَا الْحَيَاةُ الدُّنْيَا إِلَّا مَتَاعُ الْغُرُورِ 

“Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion, and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children –
like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the farmers; then it (eventually) dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris (and worthless in your eye).
And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and His Good Pleasure (for the believers).
And this world is nothing, except a deceiving enjoyment.

سَابِقُوا إِلَىٰ مَغْفِرَةٍ مِنْ رَبِّكُمْ وَجَنَّةٍ عَرْضُهَا كَعَرْضِ السَّمَاءِ وَالْأَرْضِ أُعِدَّتْ لِلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا بِاللَّـهِ وَرُسُلِهِ ۚ ذَٰلِكَ فَضْلُ اللَّـهِ يُؤْتِيهِ مَنْ يَشَاءُ ۚ وَاللَّـهُ ذُو الْفَضْلِ الْعَظِيمِ 

(So) Race one with another in hastening towards Forgiveness from your Lord (Allah),
and towards Paradise, the width whereof is as the width of heaven and earth,
prepared for those who believe in Allah and His Messengers.
That is the Grace of Allah which He bestows on whom He Pleases. And Allah is the Owner of Great Bounty.”
(Surah Al-Hadid 57:20-21)

Sometimes, One Deed Makes All the Difference

It’s a brutal reality that in annual performance appraisals, sometimes because of ONE DEED – one small mistake, one misstep, one failure to communicate, and immediately an entire year of hardwork goes down the drain and you failed to meet expectations.

And at the same time – albeit more seldom – there are cases where a single work achievement is so significantly impactful, adds so much value: that people acknowledge it so much to the point that a person will be given super performance ratings, and will virtually overlook all the previous deeds of mediocre performance.

Likewise, in our life, sometimes we may be do deeds – which we don’t realize its significance – but will have a huge impact in the ending in the Hereafter.

The Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

‏ "‏ إِنَّ الْعَبْدَ لَيَتَكَلَّمُ بِالْكَلِمَةِ مِنْ رِضْوَانِ اللَّهِ لاَ يُلْقِي لَهَا بَالاً، يَرْفَعُ اللَّهُ بِهَا دَرَجَاتٍ، وَإِنَّ الْعَبْدَ لَيَتَكَلَّمُ بِالْكَلِمَةِ مِنْ سَخَطِ اللَّهِ لاَ يُلْقِي لَهَا بَالاً يَهْوِي بِهَا فِي جَهَنَّمَ ‏"

“A slave (of Allah) may utter a word which pleases Allah, without giving it much importance, and because of that Allah will raise him to degrees (in Paradise):

(yet also,) a slave (of Allah) may utter a word (carelessly) which displeases Allah, without thinking of its seriousness, and because of that he will be thrown into the Hell-Fire." (Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

Unlike annual performance appraisals, however, when it comes to the ‘spoiler deeds’, there is a major difference:

For annual appraisals, that’s it: what’s done is done - That black spot has left a mark in the eyes of the bosses, the bad result is cast in stone, and redemption is beyond hope.

But for the sinner in the sight of Allah, no matter how evil a state a person is in, the doors of repentance are always open – if only we take the step to sincerely turn to Him. And if we do, all bad records are wiped away clean.

And just like the case of annual performance appraisals, there are some good deeds that can propel us in the highest ranks in Paradise. Perhaps we may do ONE good deed which we consider insignificant – a small deed which may even seem trivial to some. But because of the sincerity we have, the determination, the faith – perhaps that one *small* deed may be the one that tilts the scales of deeds completely and earns us in the highest ranks in Paradise.

After all, the Prophet narrated to us a story of a man who earned the forgiveness of Allah, simply out of the sincere deed and effort of helping a dog in thirst. What matters is the quality of our deeds – not the quantity.

The Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"‏ بَيْنَا رَجُلٌ بِطَرِيقٍ، اشْتَدَّ عَلَيْهِ الْعَطَشُ فَوَجَدَ بِئْرًا فَنَزَلَ فِيهَا فَشَرِبَ، ثُمَّ خَرَجَ، فَإِذَا كَلْبٌ يَلْهَثُ يَأْكُلُ الثَّرَى مِنَ الْعَطَشِ، فَقَالَ الرَّجُلُ لَقَدْ بَلَغَ هَذَا الْكَلْبَ مِنَ الْعَطَشِ مِثْلُ الَّذِي كَانَ بَلَغَ مِنِّي، فَنَزَلَ الْبِئْرَ، فَمَلأَ خُفَّهُ مَاءً، فَسَقَى الْكَلْبَ، فَشَكَرَ اللَّهُ لَهُ، فَغَفَرَ لَهُ ‏"‏‏.‏ قَالُوا يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ وَإِنَّ لَنَا فِي الْبَهَائِمِ لأَجْرًا فَقَالَ ‏"‏ فِي كُلِّ ذَاتِ كَبِدٍ رَطْبَةٍ أَجْرٌ ‏"‏‏

"‏A man felt very thirsty while he was travelling, when he came across a well. He went down the well, quenched his thirst and came out.

Meanwhile he saw a dog panting and licking mud because of excessive thirst. He said to himself, "This dog is suffering from thirst as I did."

So, he went down the well again and filled his shoe with water and watered it.

Allah thanked him for that deed and forgave him (of his sins).

The people said, "O Allah's Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم)! Is there a reward for us in serving the animals?"

He replied: "Yes, there is a reward for serving any animate (living being)."

(Narrated by Al-Bukhari)