Alhamdulillah, Eid and "Raya" season is the time where families and
friends gather, and experience continuous exchange of warm greetings and
awesome food.
But it is in this joyous and celebratory mood that
many of us are constantly presented with series of complex social
challenges: how to avoid shaking hands with non-mahrams of the opposite gender, without offending anyone.
So here we'd like to share some practical tips on evasion techniques
whilst preventing and/or minimising any form of negative or "awkward"
discussions on "why".
And no, having a big beard, big hijab or a
big kopiah doesn't grant you immunity from being offered the hand.
Trust
me, we need technique, my friend.
"What's the big deal? It's just a handshake"
Seems many people don’t know this, so let's establish the rule right
out the bat : touching/shaking hands with the opposite gender who is a
non-mahram (including cousins, and aunties/uncles who are married to
your direct auntiess/uncles [i.e. Those married to your parents'
siblings]) : is Haram (prohibited). Absolutely.
Prophet
Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم ) said:
“For one of you to be stabbed in
the head with an iron needle is better for him, than touching a woman
who is not permissible for him (i.e. a Non-Mahram from the opposite
gender)”
(Narrated by al-Tabaraani in al-Kabeer, 486. Shaykh al-Albaani said in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5045, that this hadeeth is saheeh)
Note: for the full list of who are considered "mahram" (those family
members you can, and should, shake hands with), Refer to surah Nur (24),
Verse 23. Everyone else is “Non-Mahram”.
This one hadith is sufficient to illustrate the severity of the act.
In the spirit of loving for others what we love for ourselves, here’s
some practical tips, especially during the “meet and greet” stage.
*For ease of illustration, “BRO” refers to a person of the same gender,
or a Mahram family member; so for ladies, this term refers to sisters.
PREVENTION:
1) Form a Team
You cannot work alone: You need a mahram partner of the opposite gender
– the best partner would be your spouse : wife/husband. The key here is
to ensure that the ‘partner’ or ‘team member’ engages with any
potential targets, so the targets are distracted long enough from
offering to shake your hand.
Besides the spouse, children are also a
great asset. When that ‘cousin’ wants to shake your hand, get your
child to ‘salam aunty’ quickly, and do something distracting – something
cute, something funny. Buy enough time for you to find another BRO for
you to shake.
Siblings as team mates can work, but are significantly less effective, since you are usually seen as equals and will be approached anyway.
2) Stick together, and be alert of TEAM situation - provide timely intervention and support
Walk in formation, at close proximity. When a man approaches the wife,
you intervene. When a lady offers the hand to the husband, the wife
intervenes. Allahu Akbar.. Gotta love teamwork.
“And help you one another towards righteousness and piety!” (Surah al-Ma’idah 5:2)
3) Be proactive
Assess the situation upfront, identify the group – immediately shake
hands with the nearest BRO. Engage him/her long enough, so you can
proactively identify and shake hands with the next BRO. Ask about
family, food, studies, business, weather, etc.
If you run out of BRO’s, immediately walk behind your TEAM.
Backup plan in awkward absence of BROs, or if TEAM outnumbered -
stealth mode, avoid detection : reach out for your mobile phone, look
busy with a slight frown on the face. Make calls in case of emergency.
4) Quickly eat or drink something
Get your hands wet or slightly sticky/stained with food. “Dirty
hands”/’tangan kotor’ is a universally accepted excuse for not shaking,
whilst maintaining respect. Diplomatic and clean.
5) Don’t stop smiling – even when turning down an offer
Having a cheerful appearance makes it clear that it’s nothing personal.
The Prophet said,
“Do not belittle or consider any act of goodness as being
insignificant, even if it is (as simple as) meeting your brother with a
cheerful face” (Narrated by Muslim)
Sometimes, the hand
will still be offered, and you have to negotiate your way out of
awkwardness. When this occurs, directly acquire TEAM assistance to shake
hand on your behalf.
Of course, when all else fails, turn down the offer and wave.
EXPLAIN THE TRUTH - LATER:
Of course, this is the “end goal” we should strive for - After the
“meet and greet” phase, try to find an opportunity to apologize and
explain.
There’s a strong chance that people genuinely don’t know.
RATIONALE…?
Just keep it simple: We believe in Allah, and His Messenger instructed
us not to do it – so much so that, if we knew how serious it was, we
would rather have an iron needle hammered into our heads. Ever stepped
on a staple and got it stuck on your foot? Hurts, man. Don’t want us to
get hurt this Raya.
Hope that helps, brothers and sisters.
Selamat ber-open house, taqabbalAllahu minna wa minkum=)
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