Screen Time during the Infant Years: What We Learnt

One of the most important lessons learnt experience is regarding screen time and its effect on our son.

In his early infant ages, we would put on DVD's of Islamic lectures (such as Sajid Umar, as shown here). As he got older and learnt names of objects and creatures, we started putting on DVD's of BBC documentaries, such as "Planet Earth", "Human Planet" and "Natures Great Events". Initially, though he was quite engaged by the colorful and interesting visuals, he did not pay that much attention.

Over time, however, perhaps from the development of his senses, we did notice that he would get more and more engaged and gradually more hooked on to it. As time went by, he began requesting for it: saying "Fishy" while pointing towards the TV ("fishy" implying documentary about fish).

We gradually started to expand our content to include several types of non-music nashid, and some videos on YouTube that compiled cartoon visuals but helpfully paired it with Quran Recitation (obviously created for parental distraction purposes - by parents, for parents, perhaps?) and as time went by, it was clear that he was really engaged and enjoying the content. This worked well for us, it seems, at it easily bought us an hour of time. And as any parent can tell you, time is such a valuable and scarce commodity indeed.

But as the weeks passed by, we realized that things weren't going toward a positive direction. He would get increasingly hooked, demanding "fishy" and "batasa" (as in, the "alif ba ta tha" nashid) on a daily basis, and while it was adorable and exciting to see him slowly learning the words and tunes, we observed gradually unpleasant behaviors being developed over time. He would throw up uncompromising tantrums and would only stop if the screen was on. He didn't want to play with the cat, his toy cars, the swimming pool, the balls, nothing - he just wanted the screen.

At that point, we could not really tell if this behavior was a result of the screen time, or a “natural progression” of the development of “cheeky boys” behavior as they grow up.

We found out later that apparently, studies have revealed that screen time can have a negative impact on brain and mental development for infants under 2. While the long term effects of this development have yet to be established, the short term effects were apparent and was really scary: our cheerful, playful and cheeky son had slowly turned into an obnoxious, unpleasant and demanding screen junkie.

We decided to take immediate drastic measures to remove the TV entirely, and (at least for the time being), never use our phones in front of him, except for cases of necessity. 

We knew this would not be easy. We were expecting some tough withdrawal tantrums. Let's be honest: even us parents would also struggle at the thought of withdrawal from our phones! (Gasp 😱)

And with the screens away, this meant that keeping him occupied would require a lot more time, effort, creativity and patience. That limited "me-time" was about to get even more limited.

But we knew what we wanted, and we were willing to endure the short term pain for our son's long term development. 

Remember, parenting is all about the “Long Game”, so fundamentally we always have to reshape our paradigm: This is not “sacrifice”, this is investment.

Brace for impact. Bismillah. 🙈

One night, when he was asleep, I removed the TV and replaced it with his DIY-made race track playing mat for him… as we did in this photo. 

Initially, he was demanding for his TV. But he was also somewhat confused and disoriented. Wait, something was here, right?

To our utmost delight and surprise, something amazing happened. Although there were slight symptoms of initial withdrawal tantrums, it didn't take very long for him to readjust - and just the very next day, by the afternoon, he was back to playing with his toy cars and trucks, annoying our cat with his antics, playing cheeky hide and seek games with Ibu and Abah, climbing places he knows he's not supposed to, and his creative funny side suddenly revealed itself back once again.

And as he did that, we stared at each other in amazement and utter disbelief: our Muawiyah was back. 

The amazing thing is that we also noticed that Muawiyah had a significant, consistent positive change in his mood. It was much happier and healthier - no more demanding millennial.

Apparently, when the screen was present, Muawiyah went on vacation.

But wait a minute... Don’t hold your breath just yet. Is this a “once off” fluke? Could the screen addiction relapse again when he remembers the joy of colorful cartoons enlightening his senses?

Nope. Two, three, four days later. Until today, Alhamdulillah: no more screen junkie. Muawiyah was indeed back!

Lessons learnt: As long as you don't expose the object of desire, the desire won't be present.

This was a very important trial-and-error lesson for us in our parenting journey. Not everything that is categorically "halal" and can potentially bring good, is inherently "good" in every circumstance. Educational Nashid and Qur'an Recitation videos are indeed good in a sense, and served its purpose in a given context, but we have to view the impact in totality, and exercise wisdom in how and when we apply certain things. Educational Nashid and Quran videos will never replace the effectiveness of the human touch of sitting down to read and recite with our children, especially in these formative years, when they interact primarily with emotion rather than language.

As the months passed by, we also learnt a remarkable thing about his personality: because he isn’t raised being engrossed in gadgets and TV’s and not always having his sensory being assaulted with content after content, he can get easily engaged with the simplest of things. He enjoys looking at boats, airplanes (even static pictures in a book or on stickers), he loves playing with the same toy trains and police cars he played with when he was 6 months old, he finds creative little ways to play with us (more on that in another article, “Creative Little Fella”). And even until this day, he enjoys playing with the simple cardboard-crafted stuff that we make for him – with the added bonus of “we time” through the crafting process together, a benefit you won’t get were you to purchase a Transformers action figure at Toys R Us.

All in all, this was a challenging lesson for us, but Alhamdulillah we are glad we learnt it in and performed our “course correction” intervention in time, and we hope that may this be a beneficial lesson to others as well.

BarakAllahu fikum

#frominfanttolittleman  #raisingMuawiyah
#parentingreflections

Golongan-golongan yang Didoakan Para Malaikat

💡1. Penuntut ilmu dan penyebar ilmu yang mengajarkan kebaikan

عَنْ أَبِي أُمَامَةَ الْبَاهِلِيِّ، قَالَ ذُكِرَ لِرَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم رَجُلاَنِ أَحَدُهُمَا عَابِدٌ وَالآخَرُ عَالِمٌ فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏"‏ فَضْلُ الْعَالِمِ عَلَى الْعَابِدِ كَفَضْلِي عَلَى أَدْنَاكُمْ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ ثُمَّ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏"‏ إِنَّ اللَّهَ وَمَلاَئِكَتَهُ وَأَهْلَ السَّمَوَاتِ وَالأَرْضِ حَتَّى النَّمْلَةَ فِي جُحْرِهَا وَحَتَّى الْحُوتَ لَيُصَلُّونَ عَلَى مُعَلِّمِ النَّاسِ الْخَيْرَ ‏"‏
Daripada Abu Umamah al-Bahili, bahawasanya dua orang lelaki telah disebut kepada Rasulullah ﷺ - seorang Abid (yang kuat ibadah) dan seorang alim (orang berilmu), maka Rasulullah ﷺ bersabda, 

"Keutamaan seorang alim berbanding seorang Abid adalah laksana keutamaan diriku berbanding dengan serendah-rendah di kalangan kamu.
Sesungguhnya Allah dan para malaikat-Nya dan seluruh penghuni langit dan bumi - Sehinggalah semut di dalam lubangnya dan ikan (di lautan) - berselawat (mendoakan kebaikan) atas seseorang berilmu yang mengajarkan kebaikan kepada manusia"
(HR at Tirmidzi, Hasan)

Rasulullah ﷺ bersabda :
"‏ مَنْ سَلَكَ طَرِيقًا يَطْلُبُ فِيهِ عِلْمًا سَلَكَ اللَّهُ بِهِ طَرِيقًا مِنْ طُرُقِ الْجَنَّةِ وَإِنَّ الْمَلاَئِكَةَ لَتَضَعُ أَجْنِحَتَهَا رِضًا لِطَالِبِ الْعِلْمِ وَإِنَّ الْعَالِمَ لَيَسْتَغْفِرُ لَهُ مَنْ فِي السَّمَوَاتِ وَمَنْ فِي الأَرْضِ وَالْحِيتَانُ فِي جَوْفِ الْمَاءِ وَإِنَّ فَضْلَ الْعَالِمِ عَلَى الْعَابِدِ كَفَضْلِ الْقَمَرِ لَيْلَةَ الْبَدْرِ عَلَى سَائِرِ الْكَوَاكِبِ وَإِنَّ الْعُلَمَاءَ وَرَثَةُ الأَنْبِيَاءِ وَإِنَّ الأَنْبِيَاءَ لَمْ يُوَرِّثُوا دِينَارًا وَلاَ دِرْهَمًا وَرَّثُوا الْعِلْمَ فَمَنْ أَخَذَهُ أَخَذَ بِحَظٍّ وَافِرٍ ‏"

Barangsiapa yang mengambil Jalan untuk menuntut ilmu, maka Allah akan meletakkannya atas Jalan ke syurga.
Dan sesungguhnya, para malaikat menurunkan sayap mereka sebagai tanda  redha terhadap penuntut ilmu.
Dan sesungguhnya, segala yang terdapat di langit dan bumi beristighfar (memohon ampun) untuk mereka yang menuntut ilmu - sehinggakan ikan di dasar lautan.
Dan sesungguhnya, keutamaan (fadhilat) seorang yang berilmu itu adalah seperti keutamaan bulan purnama berbanding bintang-bintang di langit.
Dan sesungguhnya, ulama (orang-orang berilmu) itu adalah pewaris para Nabi - mereka tidak lah mewariskan (harta) dinar atau dirham, sebaliknya mereka mewariskan ilmu semata-mata. Barangsiapa yang mengambil daripada warisannya, telah mengambil bahagian yang amat lumayan.
(HR At-Tirmidzi, Ibnu Majah, Abu Daud, dinilai Sahih oleh Al-Albani)

⏰2. Mereka yang tetap duduk di tempat solatnya - sama ada menunggu solat atau duduk di tempat sama selepas selesai solat

Rasulullah ﷺ bersabda
إِنَّ الْمَلاَئِكَةَ تُصَلِّي عَلَى أَحَدِكُمْ مَا دَامَ فِي مَجْلِسِهِ تَقُولُ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لَهُ اللَّهُمَّ ارْحَمْهُ مَا لَمْ يُحْدِثْ وَأَحَدُكُمْ فِي صَلاَةٍ مَا كَانَتِ الصَّلاَةُ تَحْبِسُهُ
Sesunggunya para malaikat sentiasa berselawat ke atasmu, selagi mana kamu tetap duduk di tempat solat  dan tidak berhadath (yakni, terbatal wudhu-nya) atau meninggalkan tempat solatnya. Mereka mendoakan:
"Semoga Allah mengampuninya, Semoga Allah merahmatinya"
(HR Al-Bukhari dan Muslim)

🥇3. Jemaah saff pertama dalam solat jemaah

كَانَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَتَخَلَّلُ الصَّفَّ مِنْ نَاحِيَةٍ إِلَى نَاحِيَةٍ يَمْسَحُ صُدُورَنَا وَمَنَاكِبَنَا وَيَقُولُ ‏"‏ لاَ تَخْتَلِفُوا فَتَخْتَلِفَ قُلُوبُكُمْ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ وَكَانَ يَقُولُ ‏"‏ إِنَّ اللَّهَ وَمَلاَئِكَتَهُ يُصَلُّونَ عَلَى الصُّفُوفِ الأُوَلِ ‏"‏ ‏.‏
Rasulullah ﷺ bersabda
"Sesungguhnya Allah dan para malaikat-Nya berselawat (mendoakan kebaikan untuk mereka yang berada) di saff-saff pertama"
(HR Ibnu Majah, Abu Daud, dinilai Sahih oleh Al-Albani)

👥4. Mereka yang menyambungkan dan merapatkan saff

إِنَّ اللَّهَ وَمَلاَئِكَتَهُ يُصَلُّونَ عَلَى الَّذِينَ يَصِلُونَ الصُّفُوفَ وَمَنْ سَدَّ فُرْجَةً رَفَعَهُ اللَّهُ بِهَا دَرَجَةً
Sesungguhnya, Allah dan para malaikat-Nya mendoakan mereka yang menyambungkan saff dalam solat,
Dan Barangsiapa menutupi satu celah dalam saff, maka Allah akan mengangkatnya satu darjat (di sisi-Nya)
(HR Ibnu Majah, hasan)

Sifat saff malaikat

أَلاَ تَصُفُّونَ كَمَا تَصُفُّ الْمَلاَئِكَةُ عِنْدَ رَبِّهَا ‏"‏ ‏.‏ فَقُلْنَا يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ وَكَيْفَ تَصُفُّ الْمَلاَئِكَةُ عِنْدَ رَبِّهَا قَالَ ‏"‏ يُتِمُّونَ الصُّفُوفَ الأُوَلَ وَيَتَرَاصُّونَ فِي الصَّفِّ
Rasulullah ﷺ bersabda, "tidakkah kalian ingin mendirikan saff sebagaimana para malaikat mendirikan saff di sisi Rabb (Tuhan) mereka?"
Para sahabat berkata, "Wahai Rasulullah! Bagaimanakah para malaikat mendirikan saff mereka?"
Baginda menjawab, "mereka melengkapkan saff pertama dan merapatkan saff mereka"
(Muslim)

🗣️5. Orang yang berselawat atas Nabi

مَا مِنْ مُسْلِمٍ يُصَلِّي عَلَىَّ إِلاَّ صَلَّتْ عَلَيْهِ الْمَلاَئِكَةُ مَا صَلَّى عَلَىَّ فَلْيُقِلَّ الْعَبْدُ مِنْ ذَلِكَ أَوْ لِيُكْثِرْ
Tiada seorang Muslim yang berselawat ke atasku, kecuali para malaikat akan berselawat ke atasnya, selama mana dia berselawat ke atasku. Maka lakukanlah demikian, sama ada sedikit atau banyak.
(HR Ibnu Majah, hasan)

💰6. Mereka yang berbelanja (infaq) di Jalan Allah

Rasulullah ﷺ bersabda,
مَا مِنْ يَوْمٍ يُصْبِحُ الْعِبَادُ فِيهِ إِلاَّ مَلَكَانِ يَنْزِلاَنِ فَيَقُولُ أَحَدُهُمَا اللَّهُمَّ أَعْطِ مُنْفِقًا خَلَفًا ‏.‏ وَيَقُولُ الآخَرُ اللَّهُمَّ أَعْطِ مُمْسِكًا تَلَفًا
Pada setiap pagi, semua hamba Allah akan didatangi oleh dua malaikat. Salah seorang akan berdoa "Ya Allah! Kurniakanlah (lagi rezeki) terhadap mereka yang berinfaq (di Jalan-Mu)!"
Manakala malaikat lagi seorang akan berdoa, "Ya Allah! Bawakanlah kehancuran terhadap mereka yang menahan (daripada berinfaq di Jalan-Mu)!"
(Al-Bukhari dan Muslim)

Para ulamak mengatakan: mencakup kedua-dua, infaq wajib dan sunat.

🍽️7. Orang yang bersahur

Yakni, mereka yang bangun untuk makan/minum pada sepertiga malam terakhir, atas niat puasa

إنَّ اللهَ وملائكتَه يُصَلُّونَ على المتسحِّرينَ
"Sesungguhnya Allah dan para malaikat-Nya berselawat untuk orang yang bersahur" 

(HR Ibnu Hibban)

👀8. Mereka yang menziarahi dan menjenguk orang Sakit

عَنْ عَلِيٍّ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ يَقُولُ ‏ "‏ مَنْ أَتَى أَخَاهُ الْمُسْلِمَ عَائِدًا مَشَى فِي خِرَافَةِ الْجَنَّةِ حَتَّى يَجْلِسَ فَإِذَا جَلَسَ غَمَرَتْهُ الرَّحْمَةُ فَإِنْ كَانَ غُدْوَةً صَلَّى عَلَيْهِ سَبْعُونَ أَلْفَ مَلَكٍ حَتَّى يُمْسِيَ وَإِنْ كَانَ مَسَاءً صَلَّى عَلَيْهِ سَبْعُونَ أَلْفَ مَلَكٍ حَتَّى يُصْبِحَ ‏"‏
" Barangsiapa yang menziarahi saudara Muslimnya, dia akan peroleh petikan buah-buahan syurga sehingga dia duduk, dan apabila dia duduk, dia akan diselubungi dengan rahmat (Allah).
Sekiranya dia pergi ziarah pada waktu pagi, tujuh puluh ribu malaikat akan berselawat untuknya sehingga waktu petang, dan sekiranya dia pergi ziarah pada waktu petang, maka tujuh puluh malaikat akan berselawatnya sehingga waktu pagi"
(HR At-Tirmidzi, Abu Daud, Ibnu Majah)

Malaikat mengaminkan apabila mendoakan kebaikan untuk orang yang Sakit atau meninggal dunia

إِذَا حَضَرْتُمُ الْمَرِيضَ أَوِ الْمَيِّتَ فَقُولُوا خَيْرًا فَإِنَّ الْمَلاَئِكَةَ يُؤَمِّنُونَ عَلَى مَا تَقُولُونَ
Apabila kalian menghadiri orang yang Sakit atau meninggal dunia, maka katakanlah (perkara) baik (tentang mereka), kerana sesungguhnya, para malaikat meng-amin-kan apa yang kamu katakan
(HR Muslim)

🤲🏽9. Yang mendoakan untuk orang lain tanpa pengetahuan mereka

مَنْ دَعَا لأَخِيهِ بِظَهْرِ الْغَيْبِ قَالَ الْمَلَكُ الْمُوَكَّلُ بِهِ آمِينَ وَلَكَ بِمِثْلٍ
"Barangsiapa yang mendoakan untuk saudaranya secara sembunyi (tanpa pengetahuannya), akan ada malaikat yang ditugaskan untuk mendoakan: "Amin, dan Semoga dikurniakan yang sama bagi kamu juga" (HR Muslim)

Keutamaan mendoakan Muslim secara sembunyi, kerana ianya lebih ikhlas

Imam An-Nawawi dalam menjelaskan Hadith ini, berkata:

و كان بعض السلف إذا أراد أن يدعو لنفسه يدعوا لأخيه المسلم بتلك الدعوة لأنها تستجاب ويخسل له مثلها
Sebahagian daripada para salaf, apabila mereka menginginkan sesuatu untuk diri mereka sendiri, mereka akan mendoakannya untuk saudara muslim dengan apa yang diinginkannya itu, kerana ianya mustajab dan akan dikurniakan yang sama bagi dirinya juga.

❤️10. Orang yang beriman dan bertaubat

الَّذِينَ يَحْمِلُونَ الْعَرْشَ وَمَنْ حَوْلَهُ يُسَبِّحُونَ بِحَمْدِ رَبِّهِمْ وَيُؤْمِنُونَ بِهِ وَيَسْتَغْفِرُونَ لِلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا رَبَّنَا وَسِعْتَ كُلَّ شَيْءٍ رَّحْمَةً وَعِلْمًا فَاغْفِرْ لِلَّذِينَ تَابُوا وَاتَّبَعُوا سَبِيلَكَ وَقِهِمْ عَذَابَ الْجَحِيمِ

Malaikat yang memikul Arasy dan malaika 

yang berada di sekelilingnya, bertasbih memuji TuhanNya; dan beriman kepadaNya; serta mereka memohon ampun bagi orang-orang yang beriman (dengan berdoa merayu): 

"Wahai Tuhan kami! RahmatMu dan IlmuMu meliputi segala-galanya; maka ampunilah orang-orang yang bertaubat serta menurut jalanMu, dan peliharalah mereka dari azab neraka.

رَبَّنَا وَأَدْخِلْهُمْ جَنَّاتِ عَدْنٍ الَّتِي وَعَدتَّهُمْ وَمَن صَلَحَ مِنْ آبَائِهِمْ وَأَزْوَاجِهِمْ وَذُرِّيَّاتِهِمْ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ الْعَزِيزُ الْحَكِيمُ

"Wahai Tuhan kami! Dan masukkanlah mereka ke dalam Syurga "Adn" yang Engkau telah janjikan kepada mereka; dan (masukkanlah bersama-sama mereka): orang-orang yang layak di antara ibu bapa mereka, dan isteri-isteri mereka, serta keturunan mereka. Sesungguhnya Engkaulah jua Yang Maha Kuasa, lagi Maha Bijaksana.

وَقِهِمُ السَّيِّئَاتِ وَمَن تَقِ السَّيِّئَاتِ يَوْمَئِذٍ فَقَدْ رَحِمْتَهُ وَذَٰلِكَ هُوَ الْفَوْزُ الْعَظِيمُ

"Dan peliharalah mereka dari (balasan) kejahatan-kejahatan (yang dilakukannya); dan (sebenarnya) sesiapa yang Engkau pelihara pada hari itu dari terkena (balasan) kejahatan-kejahatan (yang dilakukannya) maka sesungguhnya Engkau telah mengurniakan rahmat kepadanya; dan yang demikian itulah kemenangan yang besar (nilainya)".

(Surah Ghafir, ayat 7-9)

اللهم اجعلنا منهم 🤲🏽

Treating Children with “Respect”: Building the Foundations of Our Relationship

We love these cute AirAsia fridge magnets. But Muawiyah gets really annoyed when he sees them on the fridge. To him, these are toys – trucks and planes – and they should be on the floor, not hung up on the refrigerator. Whenever he sees them, he will take them all down and line them up with the rest of this toy cars, trucks and planes. Okay buddy, we understand.

Taking cues from the guidance per the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, the parenting approach we chose to take in our dealings with Muawiyah was, as much as practicable, to be, respectful and encouraging to our son. Our long-term goal is to create that loving mentoring figure who he is comfortable sharing his thoughts, feelings and struggles and will reach out to us in the time of need. Some might call this being your child’s “friend”, in a sense.

On the opposite end of the spectrum though, there is another school of thought with regards to this matter. I recall having been to an Islamic parenting course before and one of the speakers brought up that we should have a very rough and firm, no-nonsense approach; after all, it’s a harsh world out there and we need to make MEN out of these boys. In fact I very clearly remember the words along the lines of:

“no, as parents we should NOT befriend them. I am not your friend. I am your mother and you need to listen to me”.

Whoa. That was intense.

I can see where she was coming from, and while I respect and empathize with the approach and the reasoning behind them, I also see glaring flaws and potential undesirable long-term ramifications for such conduct.

For me, personally I would prefer to take a more coach-like approach built upon trust – and this begins with respect. These are the underlying thoughts why we consciously decide to take this approach:

1. The Need for Connection

The way I see it is, human beings need close personal connections and bonds. People need others they can talk to, to share their thoughts and feelings with in a safe environment without being rebuked. And if the parents aren’t going to step up to be those people to their child, then trust me, someone else will: at best, it would be a “best friend” with a good upbringing. At worst, it could be rebellious attention-seeking problem maker, or the “Mr. Nice Guy” sensitive boyfriend.

2. Lessons from Surah Yusuf: Interaction of little Yusuf and his father Ya’qub

There was an interesting life lesson I learnt during tafser class of Surah Yusuf. The story begins with Yusuf, who was 6 years old at the time, told his father about experiencing a very unusual dream. (Refer surah Yusuf, 12:4). Of all people in the world he knew, the one person he chose to share it with was his father. Kids, that age, when they come across something thrilling or mind-blowing, would usually share it with their friends, peers, or brothers – he had twelve of them, after all, and he could have told it to any one of them! But no – his father was his conversant of choice. This by itself shows the trusting relationship that Yusuf had with his father, indirectly signifying his father Ya’qub’s parenting approach to build that connection that led to that moment.

I recall also a lesson from Sajid Umar highlighting that the ayah begins with “iz” (meaning, “when”) – indicating that talking to his father is a habit that Yusuf always does – not a once-off. The response by his father Ya’qub in the preceding ayah signifies the genuine attentiveness he brings in his interactions with his young child – he never scoffed his child for telling him a ‘trivial tale’ or fantasy about his dreams. He listened attentively and provided genuine sincere advice. Though these points are more related to communication, it also is a showcase of the fruits resultant from an underlying two-way respect in a parent-child relationship.

3. Children need more than breadwinners

While growing up, I was very close friends with several individuals who were raised in very wealthy families. One of them, was raised in a very well-off household: his parents showered him with gifts, good provisions, and solid financial support all the way up to university, and they were decent, honest folks. In fact, I remember I was even somewhat envious of him when I first knew him back then.

But I remember very clearly him telling me about his upbringing:

“I would love to tell my parents that appreciate all these wonderful things. But at the end of the day, I want more than someone who pays my bills and gives me things. I want a friend. Someone who understands me. Someone to talk to”.

Although he had abundant physical nourishment and a very comfortable life, he always felt emotionally neglected. Those were really touching words, and though was 16 years ago since I heard these words, I remember telling myself: if I ever was going to be a parent someday, this is something I need to be mindful of, and avoid at all costs.

4. What was the Sunnah approach?

Most importantly, we need to refer it back directly to the best of examples – Prophet Muhammad ﷺ himself. A few weeks back I compiled an article titled “Mercy to the Little Ones: How The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ Treated Children”. Though it definitely wasn’t exhaustive – as I am certain that there are more narrations I have left out or am not aware of – it was very clear that the Prophet ﷺ treated children with mercy, kindness, optimism – even a little bit of silly playfulness – and more importantly: respect. And it is with these hadith that form the principles of how we chose to raise our Little Man, with the recognition that Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was the best example for mankind to follow in all his actions.

While kindness, playfulness and compassion is fairly common, the topic of “Respect” towards children has a special place of priority for us, as it is a thing of rarity and short supply in the typical Asian parenting culture.

Some would define this approach as “Respectful Parenting”, but we don’t box ourselves up to such definitions. If anything, I would prefer calling it “Sunnah parenting”, in reference to our core principles and values.

One hadith that brings this context is as follows:

عَنْ سَهْلِ بْنِ سَعْدٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم أُتِيَ بِشَرَابٍ، وَعَنْ يَمِينِهِ غُلاَمٌ وَعَنْ يَسَارِهِ أَشْيَاخٌ، فَقَالَ لِلْغُلاَمِ ‏ "‏ أَتَأْذَنُ لِي أَنْ أُعْطِيَ هَؤُلاَءِ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَقَالَ الْغُلاَمُ لاَ، وَاللَّهِ لاَ أُوثِرُ بِنَصِيبِي مِنْكَ أَحَدًا‏.‏ فَتَلَّهُ فِي يَدِهِ‏.

Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d: A drink (of milk and water) was brought to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) while a boy was sitting on his right side and old men were sitting on his left side. He asked the boy, "Will you allow me to give it to these (people)?" 
The boy said, "No, by Allah, I will not allow anyone to take my right from you! " 
Then the Prophet put the bowl in the boy's hand.

(Narrated by Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

There are so many amazing lessons in leadership here, but the thing that strikes me most is how much respect the Prophet ﷺ showed towards a child in the presence of elders: To inquire AND grant the child’s permission, even though it is against what the Prophet ﷺ himself wanted.

This is something almost completely unheard of in the society that many of us were raised in, where children are given very little respect. Most of the time children have no say in any matter and are just told to “get in line” and “stop whining”, and hence by our actions disallowing them of any form of autonomy.

If we pay extra attention to the details of his conduct, we can find that this respect has a lot more depth to it. At the most basic, one level of respect is that we at least communicate to them, let them talk it through, provide their feedback but eventually pep talk them into accepting the inevitability of the decision we’ve already made.

One higher level of respect is to actually give them a choice. And there are two sub-levels to this. The first, (arguably less ethical) is to give them the ‘illusion’ of choice – and talk to them as if they had a say, but manipulate and talk your way into ‘steering’ the fatalistic decision that you’ve already made your mind up in the first place. It may sound less ethical, but at least the child will have a feeling of respect that at least he is heard and that his point of view does indeed matter.

So notice this hadith here that the Prophet ﷺ is demonstrating an even higher level of respect: for a leader to delegate actual autonomy, be denied of your choice, and comply with what you want.

AND… to be denied by none other than a child!
Now of course, this autonomy is certainly not absolute; in the context of this hadith, it is simply a matter of table manners” (adab/etiquettes of eating). The principle here is that parents and educators need to exercise hikmah (wisdom) in addressing- but at least, try your level best, in the “less important” areas, empower them with some autonomy and decision-making where you are able to.

In future posts insha Allah we will share other examples on HOW exactly do we translate this “respectful approach” into practical action, especially during these infant years.

#frominfanttolittleman #parentingreflections #sunnah #raisingMuawiyah

From Infant to Little Man: Reflections and Sharing of Raising Muawiyah

This February 2020, our little Muawiyah turns 2 years old. Alhamdulillah it has been such a great blessing from Allah and a wonderful learning experience raising and caring for this beautiful gift which Allah bestowed upon us after 8 years of marriage. In “graduating” from this infant phase, we decided to write and compile a few articles to share our reflections and experiences – and some advance plans – in raising the Little Man throughout these 2 years.

Our intention of putting this stuff out there twofold: firstly, as students and first-timers (i.e. noobs) in this field of parenting, we still have a lot to learn from other, more experienced parents out there, so we would love to hear any insights, suggestions, feedback, or second views from others – especially as we move into his toddler phase. 

Secondly, as these articles represent first-hand experience applying the theoretical parenting knowledge we have been learning from Islamic and contemporary Western sources, we would like to share them in hopes that others will find benefit in them, perhaps even enhance them and take it many steps further (and if so, we’d love to hear from you too!).
Some of the articles we had in mind are as follows:

1. Treating our Child with Respect
2. Our Approach to Prohibitions, Restrictions, and Rejections
3. Muawiyah, Masjid, and Me - Experience in our Daily Masjid Excursions
4. “Creative Little Fella”
5. Nurturing good habits
6. Constant Love and Affection (But Avoid Spoiling Them!)
7. Cat-Lover Boi: Developing EQ
8. Addressing “How to Develop A Passion towards the Quran? The Sunnah? The Deen?”
9. Screen Time: What We Learnt
10. “Be A Man”: the Crucial Role of the Husband, especially in the early months
11. “You will Raise Your Child in the same way you were raised?”: identifying Cultural Blind Spots
12. Life In Miri
13. “I Am Going To Miss This”: Enjoying the moments (and everything in between)
14. “Going Through A Phase” – A continuous work in progress
15. Handling the Feelings of ‘guilt’ and inadequacy as a parent

Looking forward to it! 


رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
“Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes (Qurratu A’yun), 
and make us leaders to the Muttaqun (those who have consciousness and fear of Allah)” (Al-Furqan 25:74)

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ made the following du'aa for Muawiyah (bin Abi Sufyan):

اللَّهُمَّ اجْعَلْهُ هَادِيًا مَهْدِيًّا وَاهْدِ بِهِ
"O Allah, make him a person who guides (others), 
one who is guided, 
and guide (others) by him!" 
(Narrated by At-Tirmidzi)

Rilek Brader: Diffusing Conflicts and Disarming Hostile Situations

SITUATION: A senior "otai" colleague suddenly sent a furious e-mail, questioning why our project (initiated in 2019) has been delayed and has no progress. In his frustration, instructed his team member to instruct another fellow boss to pressure our team to perform, although this senior colleague actually sits nearby and could have just asked me in person. The e-mail was CC-ed to other bosses, triggering alarms, raising eyebrows, turning up the heat, and possibly exploding into all-out conflict, resulting in a chain of defensive e-mail responses, before finally placing me in the loop. 

TASK: Now that I have been dragged into this hot conversation, on behalf of the team, I have to figure out how to diffuse the situation so we can move forward without jeopardizing our current project plans. 

ACTIONS TAKEN:
1. Keep calm, do not respond on impulse. Make a nice cup of coffee, analyze the trailing emails, project history and team members to assess the situation. What actually happened is, the project was deliberately rescheduled to start this year (hence no progress in 2019), BUT here's the thing: the communication of the decision was not cascaded to him - so he was under the impression that our team "did nothing". In an unrelated incident, upon further "offline" investigation, it turns out that this senior colleague was recently pressured by his boss to deliver an unnecessarily difficult KPI and hence made our project an "easy target" to push. 

2. OK. Faham tuan. Context understood. Next action: meet the senior colleague face to face on good faith to clear the air, explain to him what happened, what was done, and what is being planned next, then focused the discussion opening up his suggestions on possible alternative solutions to get the project executed faster, and what we need from his team to get it done. We nod in agreement, we end the conversation with a smile. De-escalation successful. 

3. I discuss the internally with our team and we identified the issues, if it was actually feasible, and what it takes to "get it done". To seal the deal, I sent an e-mail to explain everything that was discussed, and although the incidents that led to these moments were not my fault per se, I parked my ego aside, and apologized on behalf of our team for the miscommunication (as per this screenshot photo). 

RESULTS: 
Crisis defused. We understand each other's issues and move forward with a positive collaborative spirit, life moves on. 
الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ الَّذِي بِنِعْمَتِهِ تَتِمُّ الصَّالِحَاتُ


WHAT I LEARNT FROM THIS:

1. Do not get angry. Control your emotions.
2. Do not get angry. Control your emotions.
3. Do not get angry. Control your emotions.
4. Face to face is always the best communication medium. Electronic media can lead to a lot of miscommunication
5. When we take the effort to understand each other, dig up the root cause of the issues and show our earnest efforts to collaborate on good faith towards a win-win outcome, even the toughest of persons can be disarmed. 
6. Focus on finding a solution. Not escalating the severity of the problem. 
7. If we or our team genuinely made mistakes, no need to get defensive; being defensive can inadvertently incite further challenge, resulting in even more defensiveness, and raise more tough questions, rinse and repeat, finally triggering a snowball effect across a slipper slope of conflict escalation. Just swallow our pride, make our professional apology, and move on. 
8. Let past mistakes serve as a lesson; not an excuse to bash others.

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ أَنَّ رَجُلاً، قَالَ لِلنَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم أَوْصِنِي‏.‏ قَالَ ‏"‏ لاَ تَغْضَبْ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَرَدَّدَ مِرَارًا، قَالَ ‏"‏ لاَ تَغْضَبْ ‏"‏‏.‏
A man said to the Prophet (ﷺ) , "Advise me! "The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Do not get angry." 
The man asked (the same question) again and again, and in each case, the Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Do not get angry."
(Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

The Prophet ﷺ said, 
لَيْسَ الشَّدِيدُ بِالصُّرَعَةِ إِنَّمَا الشَّدِيدُ الَّذِي يَمْلِكُ نَفْسَهُ عِنْدَ الْغَضَبِ
"The strong person is not one who wrestles well and overcomes others with his physical strength; but the (truly) strong person is one who controls himself when he is angry"
(Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

إِنَّ الْمُسْلِمَ إِذَا كَانَ مُخَالِطًا النَّاسَ وَيَصْبِرُ عَلَى أَذَاهُمْ خَيْرٌ مِنَ الْمُسْلِمِ الَّذِي لاَ يُخَالِطُ النَّاسَ وَلاَ يَصْبِرُ عَلَى أَذَاهُمْ
"Verily, the Muslim who mixes with other people and is patient with the harm they inflict upon him, is better than the Muslim who does not mix with others and is not patient with the harm they inflict"
(Narrated by At-Tirmidzi) 

وَقُل لِّعِبَادِي يَقُولُوا الَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ إِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ يَنزَغُ بَيْنَهُمْ إِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ كَانَ لِلْإِنسَانِ عَدُوًّا مُّبِينًا

And say to My slaves that they should (only) say those words that are the best. (Because) Shaitan (Satan) verily, sows disagreements among them. Surely, Shaitan (Satan) is to man a plain enemy.
(Surah Al-Isra, 53)