Caring for our Mental Health: Open up to someone you trust, and most importantly… ALLOW others to help and console us #whiteflag

 

Perhaps due to our upbringing or nurturing from our external environment, many of us tend to keep to ourselves, sometimes even subconsciously blocking out other people, including our closest family members, from consoling us. We prefer hiding our internal suffering, and instead telling them we are “fine” and “okay”, unaware that this constantly erodes our mental and emotional health. 

The Root cause we keep to ourselves is out of fear. Perhaps, we fear one or several of the following:

1. Betrayal: Being abused or taken advantage of - maybe we have been traumatized by past experiences of expressing ourselves to others, that we are a "loser", a "cry baby", or being laughed at. Maybe we have been betrayed by our loved ones or those we trust, and "learnt our lesson" – thus it is safer to keep it locked up inside.

2. Being perceived as weak - maybe we were nurtured or raised in an environment that tells us to "stop whining and shut up", or that we were being "ungrateful", or got scolded because the listening party claims that he "is going through worse!". Or perhaps we have defined ourselves by being perceived as "independent" or being a "Strong person" - and we fear our superficial image being shattered if we begin revealing what's really under the hood. We worry that if we open up to our children, we are no longer that “strong mum” or “cool dad”,  or that no longer a “superman” to our wife.

“Because we want to be accepted, we mind our manners, try not to offend and conceal our flaws and weaknesses. Men usually try to convey an impression of competence while keeping a lid on how needy or possessive they can be. They might try to portray themselves as sensitive, but few will actually show their vulnerability; to do so would be to admit they can be hurt, and in their eyes that is equivalent to being weak. “ 

(Dr. Mark Goulston, "Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior")

3. Being a burden to others - instead of perceiving our expression as a means of reaching out and getting help, we look at it pessimistically thinking we are dragging other people down with our "sorry stories" and causing unnecessary pain to their lives. 

4. Isolation - we fear that we are a "freak". It's much easier to dismiss it and claim that our issues are “private" and close the door (when in fact many others are going through the same, too!) 

5. Hypocrisy & lack of remorse – maybe because we have been harsh to others for expressing their feelings in the past, or that we have been particularly insensitive about others’ suffering or mental illnesses. We made fun of them, and now that we might be going through what they are going through, we prefer to continue putting up the act as a defensive mechanism, so we don’t have to taste our own bitter medicine of embodying that very thing we made fun of.

6. Dishonor: Facing a "rude awakening" of uncomfortable truths - perhaps we fear that by accepting other people's gestures of kindness, we have to ‘face the fact’ that are now seen as a feeble old man, weak or incapable. 

It is because of these fears that our relationships – even within our closest family members such as our parents, spouses or siblings – tend to be very superficial and emotionally unfulfilling, despite spending more time with them indoors throughout COVID lockdowns. Especially with the modern advent of gadgets to distract us or make us look like we are busy or occupied. 

The truth is, much of these fears are exaggerated and a result of overthinking from our anxiety. Practically speaking, we may have to be selective WHO we begin with, as opening up to emotionally immature individuals can easily backfire. But trust me: Once we start emotionally connecting with others who reciprocate this gesture, its amazing! 

Psst, here's a secret: allowing others to make us feel better, helps them as much as it helps us too. 

But look, let’s get real here: Opening up isn’t going to be easy. 

Taking the first baby step is going to be extremely uncomfortable, and a huge wall of fear to climb, especially for us MEN who always put on the tough guy act. It is going to take immense courage. 

But as Nelson Mandela said, “I learned that courage isn’t the ABSENCE of fear – but rather, the TRIUMPH over it.”

Share this message if it could help a loved one, and help you be the person that he/she needs

“Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think. When we’re fueled by the fear of what other people think or that gremlin that’s constantly whispering “You’re not good enough” in our ear, it’s tough to show up. 

We end up hustling for our worthiness rather than standing in it.”

(Brene Brown, author of “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead”) 

Non-judgmental listening: A life-changing skill we can develop to aiding the mental health of people around us

 

Last year, I subscribed to a course on building mental/emotional resilience. In one of the exercises, we performed a classroom exercise called the “7-7 technique”, where we were paired up with a partner (someone we have never knew before) for 7 minutes each, to share our biggest frustrations, pains, and stresses.

Here's an interesting point - The facilitator highlighted, that key ingredient to making sure this exercise is successful is: "Don't become friends"

Wait, what?

The facilitator explained, "if we are 'friends', then we won't allow the other person to truly speak their hearts out. Every time they share something with us, we would tend to respond all the time, giving feedback after feedback, dishing out your own unsolicited "advice" and unwanted "opinions"."

It makes perfect sense. The point of the exercise was to train us to develop the skill of non-judgmental listening. 

The biggest weakness we have that prevent us from becoming good listeners with our friends and family members is that we often like to interrupt then and provide our input with our rapid-fire shotgun responses. Either because:

1. We are inclined to immediately provide our input in the interest to 'protect' or 'console' our friends or loved ones;

2. We subconsciously judge them because of what we THINK we know about their personality, circumstances, and behavior, hence we tend to dismiss their feelings or provide immature judgment; 

3. We interject with some jokes or elements of humor to elevate the situation (not knowing that it might have actually made it worse by making it seem like you are belittling or trivializing the matter); 

4. We take things very personally and get overly defensive very quickly when they express themselves; or 

5. We lack restraint and can't hold it in. Just like every good old-fashioned conversation about politics, we just have to share our opinions, personal experiences and "two cents". 

Our shotgun feedbacks not only rob us of being effective listeners, but subconsciously prevent the speaker from expressing the full extent of their emotions and in fact risk creating an unsafe environment to share their thoughts - hence risk them bottling up their negativity and further eroding their emotional and mental health, while losing their trust in us as confidants. 

What we learnt from this class exercise was that just sharing our feelings had a cathartic effect of immediate relief!

And this was the big takeaway I got from the session: In these times of anxiety and distress, we can all play our part in by reaching out, developing and practicing this skill of non-judgmental listening amongst our family, friends, and colleagues. 

We might think that we lack in qualifications as a certified counsellor, but the truth is, simply being a “safe place” for others to vent out their frustrations, that by itself can be a huge feeling of relief.

In his book "Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior", Board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Mark Goulston writes:

“Talking it out EASES the sense of isolation; you feel more a part of the world instead of apart from it. In addition, expressing yourself is a way of purging emotions. A horrible event leaves a toxic residue, and the act of describing it to another person serves as a syringe to draw out the accumulated poison. If you don’t get rid of that poison, you will have to use defense mechanisms such as denial and repression to disconnect from the horror. The poison will accumulate until it pollutes your body, mind and soul, with potentially disastrous consequences.” (End Quote)

Here's the catch, though: Non-judgmental listening isn’t as easy as it sounds. This requires a lot of patience: especially if we start putting on our judgmental caps before our caps of empathy and compassion. Sometimes, what you are about to hear will make you upset, easy, or frustrated. 

Be patient as well if you receive poor responsiveness. It may take some time before they really reveal what it inside. It can be daunting and very difficult to open up for those who are not used to speaking our hearts and minds, especially in an environment where we are just called off and told to “suck it up”, “just be grateful”, or “you think you had it tough?! I’m going through far worse!”

As human beings, sometimes we need to earn that emotional and psychological trust first – even if they are own closest family members. Besides, at times, even professional psychotherapists sometimes require multiple visits before their patient finally opens up.

Like all skills, non-judgmental listening requires repeated practice for you to develop and get better at it. The Prophet ﷺ said, “whoever tries to be patient, Allah will MAKE him patient” (Al-Bukhari)

Let’s all develop our listening skills and play our part to uplift those around us!

"Satisfying": Five Reflections of Our Hajj Journey @ 2015 (1436AH)

Alhamdulillah - all Praises and Thanks to Allah - Who enabled for us to compete our Hajj when we were 31 years of age.

For many years I have been withholding a lot of these thoughts, as I wanted to keep them secret between us and Allah - and I feared I would fall into riyaa or arrogance (kibr). 

Yet now, in hindsight, looking back 6 years later, reading up my personal journal entries and thoughts, these are things which I wish previous pilgrims (hujjaj) would have shared to inspire us. I would have loved for some personal advice and thoughts from "abang2 & kakak2" who were privileged with performing hajj early. 

Here is my chance to BE that person. 

In the spirit of naseehah and loving for others what I would love for myself, I decided to share these thoughts with the hopes that it can help others in the future. May Allah keep me sincere in my intentions and free from riyaa.

Without exaggeration or hesitation, our Hajj trip was the single best experience of our lives. 

If there was one word I can use to describe Hajj, it would be: SATISFYING. 

Satisfying in every, holistic sense of the word. And here are five thoughts that I would like to share why I chose that word:

1. Fulfilling our fifth pillar in Islam

Our Hajj journey actually started way back in 2012: when we signed up for a hajj package, but only received our Hajj visas at the last minute and hence didn’t make it to Makkah in time. In 2013 and 2014, we signed up but again didn’t get a chance. After three years of confronting disappointment and discouragement, it was only in 2015 (1436 AH) when, QaddarAllah, Allah had opened the way for us to perform our Hajj.

And I will never forget that immensely satisfying relief on the calm walk back to Makkah from Mina on the 13th of Dzulhijjah that year, as we completed the Hajj rituals: 

We have just completed our fifth pillar in Islam. Life can finally START. 

Rasululllah ﷺ said: 

مَنْ حَجَّ لِلَّهِ فَلَمْ يَرْفُثْ وَلَمْ يَفْسُقْ رَجَعَ كَيَوْمِ وَلَدَتْهُ أُمُّهُ

“Whoever performs Hajj for Allah's pleasure and does not have sexual relations with his wife, and does not do evil or sins then he returns from Hajj as pure and free from sins as on the day on which his mother gave birth to him." (Al-Bukhari)

I remember listening to a lecture about Hajj, wherein the speaker Ismail Davids said, “that very state that you are in: wearing two humble pieces of cloth, being shaved as if it were your own Aqiqah”, you are having a firsthand experience of what it is to be a newborn baby. Masha Allah what an amazing thought!

And this was an interesting paradigm, because it contradicts how our culture typically perceives Hajj. As we discussed the recent episode of The Barakah Effect podcast, people typically associate Hajj with “old age”. That they will perform hajj when they are old, repent, and khalas: wait for death.

But when you perform hajj when you’re young, it has a different, impactful spiritual effect: Now you want to make sure you maintain steadfast so you don’t let all of that good work go to waste!

2. A worthy investment 

I remember a valuable advice shared by my mother. She once shared that when she went for Hajj in 2001, she was embarrassed to admit to her colleague that she took the most expensive hajj package at the time. When she finally told him, he said,

“Zai, if you are going to save money for something, it might as well be for your hajj”.

Simple, yet profound life advice: If you’re going to save up to spend, it might as well be for the sake of Allah. 

That advice stuck to me, after all these years.

For years, I resisted the urge to succumb to peer pressure to buy a house, purchase a flashy new car on loan, or even start in any financial investment. Hajj in my youth was priority number one. I remember taking out huge chunks of my monthly paycheck into my Tabung Haji account for many months. We wanted to invest in a comfortable hajj package that would enable us to have total peace of mind in our worship. 

يُرِيدُ اللَّـهُ بِكُمُ الْيُسْرَ وَلَا يُرِيدُ بِكُمُ الْعُسْرَ

“Allah wants ease for you, and He does not want difficulty for you” (Al-Baqarah 2:185)

After all, let’s be honest… who were we kidding: We were city people who aren’t used to hardships. 

Besides, as many people would tell you: no matter how expensive or luxurious your hajj package is, you will always have to endure some form of hardship, one way or another. 

And look, we’ll be honest. It wasn't cheap. The package that we selected, combined with mandatory Tabung Haji costs, logistics, etc cost us roughly around RM80,000. 

But Alhamdulillah, in hindsight, the fact that Allah kept “postponing” our Hajj trip for four years enabled me to save up more money for a considerably comfortable package, without having to borrow a single cent from anyone.

And although on one hand, it was “expensive”, when all is said and done, I felt an immense feeling of satisfaction that I could spend a huge chunk of my savings for something other than material fulfillment or my own personal pleasure. Instead, I had flushed out my savings for the sake of Allah to fulfill my fifth pillar ofIslam.

It always seems heavy before the act. But looking back, it was the best 80,000 I have ever spent. 

When I returned home to Malaysia, I remember thinking to myself:

NOW I can think about buying that house. 

3. Healthy young man

Although we were physically healthy* and among the youngest in our Hajj group, I have to admit, Hajj was very physically demanding. 

*Okay, I used the term “healthy” very loosely as I was overweight at the time, with a BMI of 30+, and had problems with frequent gout attacks. “Somewhat healthy” lah 🤣. 

There were days in which my daily step count totalled 40,000 steps. There were situations in which I experienced intense moments of physical pain, emotional drain and mental fatigue which I felt like passing out and almost getting trampled over. 

Yet at the same time, I felt immensely satisfied that I got through these situations while Allah had given me the youthful strength to endure them.

The Prophet ﷺ said,

"The feet of the son of Adam shall not move from before his Lord on the Day of Judgement, until he is questioned about five things: About his life and what he did with it, about his youth and what he wore it out in, about his wealth and how he earned it, and spent it upon, and what he did with what he knew." (At-Tirmidzi)

4. The Sunnah the better

Now at this point, perhaps you might be wondering: why is this guy going through so much hardship? How do those 60-, 70-, 80-year old uncles and aunties do it? Is this Faisal fella so weak?

Fair enough.

The reason is, we made some choices throughout our hajj that made it slightly more difficult, because of our insistence in following the sunnah. And for good reason. The Prophet ﷺ said,

خذوا عني مناسككم

“Take from me, your rituals for hajj” (Al-Baihaqi)

I remember thinking, because this hajj might be the one and only shot we will ever have, we are going to go all out following the sunnah, as close as we can. 

If an act was wajib, we were going to put in the extra mile to make it happen in the best way! In fact, even if an act of hajj is “just sunnah”, we are not going to skip it: we were going to find a way to get it done. What this meant, in practice, was that our hajj plan didn’t necessarily go in accordance with the rest of the pilgrims in our hajj package, which we opted to take separate paths. 

And this undoubtedly made our hajj more challenging, which pushed us to our limits - and in many ways, a lot of our experience may differ with what other Malaysian jamaah typically go through.

At the time, some of these choices may have got us into a lot of difficulties which, in theory, we could have avoided to make it much easier. We walked past the same roads that, only 2-3 hours after us, would experience a brutal stampede that resulted in the death of more than 700 pilgrims.

But now, six years later in hindsight, it was the best choice we could have done, and for that, I am happy that we made those choices. I am 100% satisfied that we exhausted all of our efforts to fulfill every aspect of sunnah in hajj. 

5. Better relationship with my BFF wifey

Umar ibn Al-Khattab said, you don’t truly know a person until you have travelled with them, done business with them, or experience living with them as a neighbor. 

Shared hardship tends to expose the best (or worst) out of us, and indeed Hajj is one of those experiences. And as my mother shared with me, numerous indeed are stories of actual couples who got divorced after being together in hajj - subhanAllah!

But that was not the case for us, Alhamdulillah. 

One of the best outcomes of the hajj was how it strengthened the relationship with the wifey. It was she who did a ton of research to help plan our Hajj route; she was the one who would fill my ears with words of encouragement and reassurance, lifting my spirits when things got challenging.

I feel that the shared hardship strengthened our relationship, and simultaneously cultivating another important aspect: trust. It was an outcome far better and meaningful than your typical honeymoon! 

I remember making a conscious decision with the wifey: Let’s go to Hajj while we are still young, and don’t yet have children. Little would we have known that, in spite of being delayed 3 years from our initial intent of hajj, we still were not granted with children by 2015. 

Little would we know that it would be 2018 - eight years after our marriage - when we would have our first child, Muawiyah.

And I would like optimistically think that, perhaps, it was those shared moments together in 2015 that trained us to be better parents.

CLOSING THOUGHTS: WAS OUR HAJJ ACCEPTED?

When all is said and done, this will perhaps be the greatest concern of them all: Was our hajj accepted?

On one hand, we will never know, until we meet Allah. On the other hand, this is a concern that every believer should have, regardless of their deeds. When Prophet Ibrahim was constructing the ka’bah with his son, Prophet Ismail, the du’aa they made was:

رَبَّنَا تَقَبَّلْ مِنَّا ۖ إِنَّكَ أَنْتَ السَّمِيعُ الْعَلِيمُ

“O Our Lord! Accept from us! Verily, you are the All-Hearing, All-Knowing!” (Al-Baqarah 2:127)

Even though they were doing one of the greatest acts of worship of constructing the ka’bah. And mind you, this was not just ANY house of worship, mind you: but the place of worship that millions of pilgrims would visit every year, until the day of judgment. An OBVIOUS act of righteousness. Yet they too feared that perhaps their deed would not be accepted, hence they made this du’aa.

When A’isya recited the verse from surah al-mu’minun, وَالَّذِينَ يُؤْتُونَ مَآ ءاتَواْ وَّقُلُوبُهُمْ (And those who give that which they give with their hearts full of fear), her curiosity led her to wonder: “why were they so scared?” Hence she asked the Prophet,

“Are these the ones who (commit sins such as) theft, commit Zina and drink alcohol?”

The Prophet replied, “No, O daughter of As-Siddiq, they are the ones who pray and fast and give in charity, while fearing that it will not be accepted from them: It is those who hasten in the good deeds!” (At-Tirmidzi)

The constant worry and fear that our deeds will not be accepted: that is what should keep us away from complacency, motivate us to keep moving forward and keep trying our best.

Reflecting back on our hajj: One one hand, we are grateful to Allah to have given us the capability to have fulfilled many of the physical “sunnah” acts of Hajj, but on the other hand, I know for a fact that there were so many things that I wish I could have done better or done things differently. 

But that is all behind us, and we only ask that Allah accept all of our deeds and keep it purely for His Sake. 

May Allah open up the doors for our ummah to perform hajj once again and grant you all a Hajj Mabrur.

How I developed a reading habit Tip #3: Habit Replacement with Social Media / YouTube #powerofhabit #atomichabits

 

“How do you find time to read?”

Here is my strategy: By replacing all my social media habits with reading e-books instead. Every time I feel bored or restless and have the urge to check out social media throughout the day, I open my Kindle app/device instead to read an e-book.

This is actually an application of The Habit Loop, as mentioned by Charles Duhigg in his book, “The Power of Habit”:
“First, there is a cue, a trigger that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and which habit to use. Then there is the routine, which can be physical or mental or emotional. Finally, there is a reward, which helps your brain figure out if this particular loop is worth remembering for the future: THE HABIT LOOP.
Over time, this loop—cue, routine, reward; cue, routine, reward—becomes more and more automatic. The cue and reward become intertwined until a powerful sense of anticipation and craving emerges.” (End Quote)

Planting a new habit - into your already busy daily schedule - can seem daunting. So, all you have to do is swap activities with your existing personal cues.

As of 2019 and 2020, the average daily social media usage of internet users worldwide amounted to 145 minutes per day (Tankovska, 2021). What if you could swap that with reading. Imagine how much you can get out of 2 hours of reading every day!

The trick to understanding this is to realize our own personal triggers (i.e. cues) that lead us to falling into our bad habits. For me, personally, that trigger is boredom and restlessness: I feel the need to keep engaged by going into quick bursts of dopamine excitement and gratification. Hence, I would open social media or YouTube.

What I realized was that social media is like a quicksand trap when it comes to free time: once you get into it, it just sucks you in further down the rabbit hole. Even if it doesn’t suck you in deep, those little short bursts stack up: 2 minutes here, 3 minutes there, scattered throughout the day can easily stack up to an hour.

Thus, the best thing to do is don’t even step into that trap. Instead, recognize your triggers, and change the "Action" routine. Instead of social media, I open the Kindle e-book app on my phone, or the Kindle e-reader device to do some quick reading, then get back at whatever it is I was engaged in.

Here’s the thing about reading: just like social media, small bursts of time begin stacking up. Couple of paragraphs here, One page here, half a page there.
And just like social media, if you made the right selection of books, sometimes you make surprising discoveries that fill you with the urge to “know more” and dig deeper into the rabbit hole. Before you know it, in a few weeks’ time? Boom. 200 pages done. Book finished. Next.
Food for thought:
إِنَّ الْحَسَنَاتِ يُذْهِبْنَ السَّيِّئَاتِ
“Verily, the good deeds erase the evil deeds!” (Surah Hud 11:114)

The third major component of the Habit Loop is “Reward”.
Stay tuned for Tip #4: Make it Satisfying!

Books I have Read in 2021 (First Half)

Alhamdulillah. Continuing the growth habit I developed in 2020 since the lockdown, these are the books that I have finished reading so far in 2021. 

My goals of reading are focused on implementation and acting on knowledge, so I chose non-fiction books on topics which I feel were most important towards in my personal and professional spheres: most notably as input and content ideas for The Barakah Effect podcast, and upgrading my professional competency to effectively keep up with the steep learning curve of the new, intimidating challenges of my new role at work as manager. 

Read any of these titles? Any of your favorites made this list?

Any other good stuff you recommend out there? 

اَللَّهُمَّ اِنْفَعْنِي بِمَا عَلَّمْتَنِي, وَعَلِّمْنِي مَا يَنْفَعُنِي, وَارْزُقْنِي عِلْمًا يَنْفَعُنِي

"“O Allah! Grant me benefit in what you have taught me, and teach me useful knowledge and provide me with knowledge that will benefit me.”

Boredom?? "Kesiannya..." #Parenting

 

Before I became a parent, I always wondered to myself, how do I keep my child occupied and engaged without gadgets and screen time? What if he gets bored to death and starts to trigger widespread chaos? 

What I didn't expect, was that many parenting authors actually ENCOURAGE Boredom!

"It’s good for children to feel bored! In Simplicity Parenting, author and counselor-therapist Kim Payne characterizes boredom as a “gift,” describing it as the precursor to creativity. 

In my own experience, I’ve found this to be true again and again. When my daughters were little, we gave them a lot of unstructured time for play, from which grew a bounty of skits, forts, drawings, puppets, and elaborate worlds for their stuffed animals. 

What do we say when our children complain of being bored? I recommend Payne’s single, flatline response: “Something to do is right around the corner.” 

Don’t rescue them and don’t entertain them. They’ll find something to do. When all of your friends are signing up their preschoolers for soccer and tumbling, you might worry that simplifying your schedule to allow time for free play will put your kids at a disadvantage. Don’t. Time for children’s play without guidance and purpose is no less than developmentally vital.

("Raising Good Humans", Hunter Clarke-Fields) 

In the book "The Montessori Toddler", author Simone Davies talks about how Boredom can provide a rich and inviting area for artistic creativity:

"Allow boredom. When we have unscheduled time in our day to sit without anything planned (and without technology to entertain us), our child has a chance to be bored. Their mind can wander and daydream, they can come up with new ideas, and they can make new connections. When the mind is bored, it seeks stimulation and becomes increasingly creative." 

Now of course, this shouldn't be taken to the other extreme of absolving ourselves from the responsibility of spending quality time with them. Rather, the way I see it, it trains us that allowing more space for them to let their mind wander provides a fertile ground for unstructured play to be more mentally independent, instead of being dependent upon the screen and entertainment. And not to worry about keeping them engaged. 

When we first implemented this approach since Muawiyah was 2 years old, as the months pass by and his speech was being further developed, we observed that his imaginative storytelling started expanding in pleasantly surprising directions, which facilitates the development of his social and conversational skills. 

Naturally, we play along with his imaginary "shark-filled river", make-belief hospital (which we need to "scan" before entering, "Sebab ada COVID-19), and bird-family - where I am big bird, he is little bird and ibu is mama bird - and together create all manner of interesting storylines (complete with plot twists, too!). Toys no longer become the main subject, but simply tools to facilitate his adventurous mind. 

Over time, I also noticed that he becomes less demanding to spend time with him, as he awakens his inner introvert and appreciate his private me-time to figure things out by himself. 

Getting used to Boredom is, in fact, something that we adults should try to do for ourselves too. In a distraction-filled world where our days are practically glued to screens (especially those of us working from home!), we can all benefit greatly from appreciating periods of digital detox, of peace and quiet for deep thought and remembrance of God. 

Food for thought. Have a great weekend, folks. BarakAllah feekum 😊