Nurturing Grit and Resilience in our children

 

This video was taken while Little Man was sliding down a very steep hill at our local park yesterday (without the mother, of course. Save her the heart attack 🤣)

This was actually his second attempt going down the hill. The first attempt, he fell down his bike because he panicked and wobbled the handles when he was cruising at high speed. But after the fall, he picked himself up and immediately was craving for round 2. Like a boss. 

Reflecting back 

1. Trust in his abilities - 

Put ourselves in our child's shoes: How would you feel when others insist that "you won't make it"? 

When he FIRST expressed his intention to glide downhill and said "Muawiyah nak go FAST!" I'll be honest.. I didn't think he could do it. It looked very risky and could hurt himself if he fell. But I also wanted him to challenge his comfort zone. So I asked, in the most casual tone, "are you sure? That looks so dangerous!" but he insisted. Weighing it out, I thought that this would be a great learning opportunity either way, for him to own up to his own decisions and discover the natural consequences of his choices. And because we weren't too far from home, we knew we could quickly get help if we needed it. So Bismillah, let's give it a go. 

I projected in a similar theoretical scenario in the future: how would we react when he makes a major life decision? About marriage, studies, career?

How would we feel when we are told, "you won't make it", "you're not good enough" 

2. Minimize verbal instructions - 

In my opinion, nagging can be the single most counter-productive thing you can do for your child at the playground. Excessive instructions can overwhelm the child, bring a lot of psychological stress, induce unnecessary fear or cause the child to doubt in his abilities. 

Throughout his downhill cruise, I was actually very worried throughout.. But I tried to keep it cool while remaining mindful in case something happens. 

Best case, they succeed and you celebrate with them! Worst case, they fall. And when they do.. 

3. When they fall: Support and encourage, don't scold or sympathize - and NEVER laugh at them. 

When kids suffer difficult situations like falling down, they immediately looked to the supervising adult and observe our reactions. 

Our reaction in that split second can determine how our child will respond in moments of Adversity. Do we want to make them feel battered, traumatised, or humiliated? 

Or do we want them to pick themselves up and try again? 

Hint: it isn't by giving them another "I-told-you-so" lecture. 

When Muawiyah fell down on his first try, another uncle passing by just stared at Muawiyah, with a shocked look of concern on his face. 

Based on past experience, I knew, that in that moment, if I was to show excessive concern or sympathy, he could cry and feel demotivated from trying again. 

My response was to walk up to him, sit down beside him, assess the damage, and calmly ask, "wow, that was really fast. Did it hurt? Are you okay?" 

For a moment, he was a bit confused, then searched his body for any signs of injury. We cleaned the dirt and grass from his hands, feet and clothes, and said "jom kita baca doa (let's make du'aa), you'll feel better insha Allah then we can try again okay?"

Then I put my hand where it hurt, and recited:

بسم الله الذي لا يضر مع اسمه شيء في الأرض ولا في السماء وهو السميع العليم 

Half-way Through reading it, he continued reciting and completing the du'aa himself, with a subtle visible smile coming back to his face. 

(At that moment, I knew he was okay 😁)

Then he rushed to get up, said "feel better!", then picked up his bike in eagerness to try again, like a boss. 

After the first failed attempt, I was hesitant to allow him.. But reminding myself on point #1, he believed in himself, and as a father, I need to believe in him! 

4. Teach them when they are calm - during the moments when their emotional sides are flaring up when they are crying or emotional, their rational minds pretty much shut down from receiving information or learning new things. What we want to do is teach them when they feel better again. While Muawiyah was pushing his bike up the hill in preparation for round 2, we talked about what happened and debriefed the first attempt.. "tadi Muawiyah fell down" Then he began curiously asking "Kenapa Muawiyah falll down?" 

Then I described "when Muawiyah was scared, Muawiyah turn left and right macam tu, then Muawiyah fall down". 

Then the solution: "next time, when Muawiyah feel scared, Muawiyah don't turn left and right okay. Just put your feet down and brake slowly okay, like this" (demonstrate) 

This video was that second attempt, as he effectively applies his "brakes" this time around! 

5. Be present, in mind and soul - I noticed that the moment I begin focusing on my phone while he is playing, I immediately sense him feeling disinterested from trying again, sometimes even "bored" and wanting to go home.

Children can feel when we aren't "with them". It's important we provide them with the psychological comfort that they feel that they are supported and we got their back.  

6. Nurturing Trust - As a parent, the most satisfying part is when they grow in our presence. Not to solve their problems for them. But instead, to give them the confidence and assurance that we can be a trustworthy pillar of support to be there for them, as they challenge their limits and grow. 

You can apply that same principle in any sphere of coaching: Leadership, teaching, mentoring. 

The key to developing grit and a growth mindset in our organizations isn't to "dumb things down" or deliberately make things easy. But rather, it is done by creating an atmosphere that others feel psychologically safe environment to try out new things and challenge their limits, knowing that they are supported, and are not being penalized or traumatized if they don't (yet) succeed in their attempts.

"Abah dah kena COVID19!"

 

Muawiyah threw this ball at me and said,

"Abah dah kena COVID19" 🤣

Apparently, watching the covid news reports every day with the virus molecule in the background had planted the idea that "this is what COVID-19 looks like".

If this was the effect of a 2-minute report over dinner, imagine what else our children subconsciously pick up through our interactions with them every day.

Teaching our children hifz (memorization) of the Qur'an: what we have learnt (so far)

 

One of the things we made a clear intention to focus on our child was to instill a practice of memorizing Qur’an, even in infancy. We were deeply inspired by many others who achieved great feats at such a young age, and we wanted to try for ourselves. 

Our challenge was, aside from the general encouragement and theoretical resources available, there were very few practical guides out there how to do so for toddlers below the age of 5 who could not yet read alphabets.

So here is a summary of 6 main lessons of what we have implemented and learnt so far in our Hifz journey, based on our efforts with our 3-year old little man, Muawiyah.

Feel free to share (and suggest more!) if you find this beneficial.

1. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Then repeat again.

My wife insisted that we keep reciting to him, even while he was 1-year old and could not comprehend speech. For the longest time, I didn’t think that we had much effect. Until one fine day when he was just before the age of 2, while he was playing with his toys in his bathtub by himself, he suddenly said out of nowhere:

 تَبَّتْ يَدَا أَبِي لَهَبٍ وَتَبَّ

We couldn’t believe our ears! Of all the things we recite, he recites that one first. It was then we realized it with our own ears: Children’s minds absorb like a sponge - even if it doesn't seem like it! They are always learning, subconsciously. 

Caveat: Just like a sponge, they can absorb a lot, very quickly. But just as a sponge doesn't hold water for very long, they can lose their memorization very quickly too!

The Prophet ﷺ said, “the parable of one who knows the Qur'an by heart is as the parable of an owner of hobbled camel. If he remains vigilant, he will retain it; and if he neglects it, it will go away." (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

If this was true for us adults, how much more important is it to repeat for our dear little ones, who do not yet appreciate the importance and beauty of the Qur’an!

At the end of the day, there is no secret sauce. The key to memorization is repetition. Again, and again, and again.  

As 3-year olds cannot read yet, their learning is almost entirely seeing and listening. So, make sure they really get a healthy dose of Qur'an in their daily life! 

2. Make it fun and satisfying! 

I remember coming across a study about habits, that the key to habits isn’t JUST about repetition. The key is the emotion behind the repetitions: that’s what makes it stick (or repelled!)

When we train our toddlers to memorize Qur’an, we need to try and associate that with positive emotions and feelings. 

After all, even for us adults, part of the reason people sometimes shy away from learning Qur'an is that the experience is often associated with "spotting mistakes" or “being punished”, which makes people very uncomfortable. 

At a toddler's age, we cannot afford to allow them to associate negative emotions with Qur’an. 

In practice, this means: do not make quran "a chore". Show enjoyment as you Recite together.

As much as possible, I try to prioritize positive reinforcement over accuracy. “Catch them doing things right”, as some parenting coaches would say. Celebrate the little wins: Whenever they recite a new ayah, they got a Qalqalah right, finished a surah, seal it with positive vibes like “yay!”, “well done!”, high fives and visible happiness. 

As toddlers still in development of their speech faculties, we need to bear with patience as they make mistakes in pronunciation. We don’t have to keep correcting them (as this sometimes also creates negative experience of frustration), just keep repeating as they mature their speech – eventually they begin figuring out the nuances in our makhraj, and as they grow emotionally mature, we can learn correcting them more directly bit by bit. 

Also, as we steer them away from music and need to fill in that void of our natural fitrah to love listening to beautiful sounds, try to also recite with nice melody, and get children used to listening to some beautiful Recitations from famous Qari. 

Let’s get them to love Mishary, Sudais, Al-Hudhaifi and Al-Ghamidi instead of K-Pop!

3. Create memorable moments and memories of their memorization with us

Contrary to popular perception, memorizing Qur’an doesn’t have to be like sitting down in front of the mushaf, facing the Qiblah, etc. In fact, as far as I can recall, I have never memorized in that manner with Muawiyah. We will always recite together while doing an activity, mostly everyday stuff.

About twice a week, I will take him out for a walk immediately after he wakes up, while repeating the same surahs. The intent here is to raise him with notable memories that he would recite Qur'an with his father while talking a morning walk. 

But beyond that, we recite Qur'an while he plays his trucks, airplanes, Lego and other toys to create a positive association of happy childhood memories with the sounds of the book of Allah. 

It’s interesting to observe that sometimes it might seem like they aren’t playing attention amidst their imaginative dialogue, rumbling and tumbling – but you will be surprised at how active their subconscious memories are, that it still actively registers things even without them putting mindful effort into it. Many times we were caught by surprise by some random ayah that he just recites out of nowhere – turns out he WAS listening to us!

4. Focus on efforts, not results 

Will Muawiyah remember these moments when he grows up? Will he still retain these memorization when he is 7 years old? 

I have no idea. This isn't our place to judge. Our place is to put in the work. 

The beautiful thing is, as Muslims we know that none of our efforts will be wasted, if we do our best (ref: surah Al-Kahf, ayah 30). Even if we don't see the reward here, we will surely see it in the Hereafter!

So, don’t get caught up about KPI's (“must memorize so-and-so juz by so-and-so age) or peer pressure of other children achieving such. It’s not about showing off your children’s achievements as a trophy for other parents; rather, it’s about earning the pleasure of Allah and leaving behind a positive legacy even after we die, insha Allah!

Just keep teaching, repeating. Trust the process, and insha Allah the results will come. 

And for the record: Yes, it can feel mundane, repeating the same basic surah again and again. But let's not forget that firstly, the Prophet ﷺ said, "Allah will not get tired until you get tired" (Al-Bukhari)

Secondly, you will receive ten rewards of every letter recited, anyway! 

5. Make it satisfying for us too! 

To supplement our own connection with the book of Allah, what we can do is to learn the Tafsir for these basic surah so that as you repeat them, you can do tadabbur (reflection) as your are repeating it with your child. The more you recite, the more meaningful it can get!

6. Nurturing Love of the Qur'an starts with the parents 

Parents often wonder: “How do we build the love for Qur’an in our children?”

The way I see it, it always boils down to this: If we want to instill in our children the Love for anything, WE need to love it first. 

There is no secret backdoor. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, it all comes back to the tried and true clichés: Lead by example. Actions speak louder than words. 

Let your passion for the Qur’an be infectious. 

There is nothing quite as satisfying and beautiful as witnessing our child recite Qur’an. The most heartwarming moments of our daily life are those moments that whenever Muawiyah is sitting by himself in a good mood, he murmurs passages of the Qur'an. 

He doesn't sing nursery rhymes, children's songs, or some theme and tagline from a random cartoon. 

Quran is his nursery rhyme. 

I expect it will not be easy to sustain as he grows up and gets more and more exposed to other stuff in different environments (one word: cartoons), but if these recent develops are any indication, we take a lot of comfort and assurance from Allah, knowing that it is indeed achievable, if we put in the conscious effort to sustain, and improve upon it – insha Allah.

That’s it from us! Hope these tips will be helpful. 

Please share your experience and your tips! 

And if you have any advice for us in the years to come.

May Allah make us and our children amongst the People of Qur’an

Allahumma barik

Sustainability Mindset: Continuous improvement, not disrespect

 

We should always plant the sincere intention to improve and do BETTER than the environment that we were in. And this applies in any social context: parenting, organizations, teams, even friendships.

And we do so, not out of disrespect to the previous generations, our parents, "forefathers", teachers or leadership. Rather, we do so out of the desire to improve.

Sometimes, the tendency is to view "rectification" as taboo, as it inherently means we are subconsciously highlighting their mistakes and therefore disrespecting them. It would be easier to "respect tradition" and continue on the same thing… even if they are obviously wrong or outdated.

But instead, we should change our outlook: We approach it with the positive thoughts that our predecessors were merely doing their best, given the limitations that they had and what was relevant during their era. They make mistakes, just as we do. 

In fact, our intention is to improve and build upon the work they have done, by respecting and complementing any great contributions, actively acknowledging we are prone to making mistakes too!

For example, if we see company documents, guidelines or current ways of working are outdated or have glaring errors, we don't have to judge or disrespect them for being negligent, incompetent or “a failure”. Just be professional about it: Objectively identify the shortcomings, rectify whatever we can and move on! 

If we are in a position to set the tone in our environment, seize the opportunity to be the change that we want to see. Don’t fall into the trap of intending tit-for-tat and repeating the “doom loop” out of a sense of revenge. When will the organization ever change?

Besides, if we are sincere, wouldn't we want our succeeding generations to have a mindset of rectification and sustainability? Wouldn't we eventually be "forefathers" too? And when we do, wouldn’t we love to see our contributions blossom into something greater?

I would want to create a great working environment, with the hopes that when my colleagues become leaders, they could make it even better.

Even in parenting: I want to give my son the best childhood that he can get, but at the same time, I also know I'm not perfect, so who am I trying to fool? So, respectfully, if there are areas you can do better when you become a husband and father someday, yes please do - tafaddhol, Muawiyah! 

And if we speak about organizations - or even families, as a small piece of a larger picture of the community - we should think big picture: It's not about us. It's about supporting something and advancing a cause bigger than ourselves.

And that mindset the Qur'an teaches us:

"Verily! Allah will not change the state of a people, until they first change what is in themselves" (Surah Ar-Ra'd 13:11)

Our #Parenting Response to Injuries and Accidents

This picture was taken a split second before Muawiyah fell into the bushes down below, after swinging out his arms to make fun of me telling him to “be careful, Little Man!”.

How we respond to our child’s experiences in handling accidents, injuries and falls? 

I noticed that whenever accidents happen, children instinctively turn to adults and observe the adult’s response. Before I became a parent myself, I often wondered, what is the best way to respond?

Making mistakes and falling are part and parcel of life, especially in the process of learning. Whether we realize it or not, our response in these unexpected incidents – of multiple incidents spread across the course of their childhood – plays a vital role in teaching them important life lessons in shaping their personalities and attitudes that carry well into their adulthood.

I realized that the typical response of parents is either one of three: attack, sympathize or ignore. So, which one works best?

Turns out that, all three responses have major flaws to them. 

There is a fourth, option which works best (well, at least in my understanding): Listen & Encourage. Be present, investigate, listen, treat if necessary, and encourage them to get up like a champ.

Let’s break down the 4 approaches:

1. Attack – As the phrase “insult to injury”, this one adds salt to the wound by scolding the child for their mistake. This response can potentially leave them traumatized and emotionally scarred, shaping them to conceal their faults, fear asking for help, or worse yet, resort to “trying things out” (i.e. misbehaving) in our absence. They could be raised in their childhood thinking they are defective, menace, or a “problem child” that inflicts pain to their parents, teachers and guardians. 

The consequences almost sound criminal, right? Unfortunately, many parents do this upon instinct in the heat of the moment, in our frustration when they don’t listen to us. We lecture them, reiterating statements such as “I told you…”, “why don’t you listen to me”, or the biggest offender of all: “what is wrong with you?!” or “why are you so naughty?!”

2. Sympathize – Upon accident, we immediately express concerns with deep sympathy and (often times) panic with exaggerated concerns or bombarding them with excessive questioning (e.g. “tell me where it hurts! Show me!”). Interestingly, this makes the child cry even more. I personally have witnessed many instances where children fall, look confused, but the second that mom starts panicking, the child bursts into tears!

Firstly, sometimes our panicked response itself creates a traumatizing sense of anxiety in the child. They aren’t crying because of the pain, but because of the flood of anxiety, confusion, and physical pain start mixing up, pushing them into tears.

Secondly, although on one hand, this response does clearly demonstrate our love and concern for their safety and well-being, our exaggerated response may also have the inadvertent negative consequences of depriving the child from developing grit and resilience: to keep trying if they fail, and that “it is okay to make mistakes”.

Ever heard the Malay expression that "tak nak mak ayah risau?" (I don't want Mom and Dad to be concerned)

Because our over-protective response of panic paints this as a tragedy that should be avoided, the emotionally sensitive child may not want to cause grief or worry to their parents, and therefore they may learn to avoid taking risks, so they don’t disappoint their parents, who they might care deeply for.

We have to be aware that Children are intelligent enough to adapt to fulfill their emotional needs, so our extra concern might shape their behavior in other subconscious ways: the child may use accidents as an opportunity to deliberately gain closeness to their parents. It feels good to be cared for, right? Perhaps, if I get hurt, I can get some sympathy and a free hug!

3. Ignore – nothing much to this one. Just turn away, as if nothing happened. Dismiss the pain, or tell them “it’s nothing” or that “it’s okay”. In a nasty turn of events, this is sometimes done in combo with option #1 above by attacking them, telling them to “suck it up”, “stop being such a cry baby” or that “boys shouldn’t cry”. 

Needless to say, this kind of response would leave the child feeling unloved or not cared for. What it *can* potentially do, is allow the child to learn resilience by themselves. However, without the ‘safety net’ of emotional security in the form of loving attention from their parents, after multiple tragedies, the child may end up feeling abandoned and alone, and therefore the fear of isolation could suppress the child’s ability to develop resilience. 

4. Listen & encourage – Be present, investigate, listen, treat if necessary, and encourage them to get up like a champ. 

In this method, the parent plays close attention to the child, making it clear that we are there for them. Because we are unaware of the extent of the incident, or the injury, the parent pays close attention to the emotional and physical state of the child, if there are any pain signals that demand attention, or if they are just minor falls which are a part of the learning process.

Most of the time, my first verbal response would be to ask, in the most casual and friendly tone “you alright, Little Man?” and wait for his feedback. 90% of the time, he will pick himself back up, start smiling, and resume his adventures.

But if he still pauses, I follow up with another casual “does it hurt? Ada luka ke?”. If he cries, give him a hug until he calms down, before (or if it looks severe, hug him WHILE simultaneously) we look for any signs of injury.

And if everything is fine again, we keep moving forward with an encouraging “oh, that didn’t work” or “let’s try that again!”

We teach the child to learn the natural consequences of their actions, develop grit by learning from mistakes and, through our actions, subconsciously teach them that we love them and want what is best for them!

Our response in this usually-2-minute-scenario might seem like a “small matter” - but imagine how many times children make mistakes throughout their childhood (or even, in a day!).

So, what behavior are we shaping in our children?

What do you think? Disagree with anything I said above? Pls comment and share: Would love to hear from you!