Nurturing Grit and Resilience in our children

 

This video was taken while Little Man was sliding down a very steep hill at our local park yesterday (without the mother, of course. Save her the heart attack 🤣)

This was actually his second attempt going down the hill. The first attempt, he fell down his bike because he panicked and wobbled the handles when he was cruising at high speed. But after the fall, he picked himself up and immediately was craving for round 2. Like a boss. 

Reflecting back 

1. Trust in his abilities - 

Put ourselves in our child's shoes: How would you feel when others insist that "you won't make it"? 

When he FIRST expressed his intention to glide downhill and said "Muawiyah nak go FAST!" I'll be honest.. I didn't think he could do it. It looked very risky and could hurt himself if he fell. But I also wanted him to challenge his comfort zone. So I asked, in the most casual tone, "are you sure? That looks so dangerous!" but he insisted. Weighing it out, I thought that this would be a great learning opportunity either way, for him to own up to his own decisions and discover the natural consequences of his choices. And because we weren't too far from home, we knew we could quickly get help if we needed it. So Bismillah, let's give it a go. 

I projected in a similar theoretical scenario in the future: how would we react when he makes a major life decision? About marriage, studies, career?

How would we feel when we are told, "you won't make it", "you're not good enough" 

2. Minimize verbal instructions - 

In my opinion, nagging can be the single most counter-productive thing you can do for your child at the playground. Excessive instructions can overwhelm the child, bring a lot of psychological stress, induce unnecessary fear or cause the child to doubt in his abilities. 

Throughout his downhill cruise, I was actually very worried throughout.. But I tried to keep it cool while remaining mindful in case something happens. 

Best case, they succeed and you celebrate with them! Worst case, they fall. And when they do.. 

3. When they fall: Support and encourage, don't scold or sympathize - and NEVER laugh at them. 

When kids suffer difficult situations like falling down, they immediately looked to the supervising adult and observe our reactions. 

Our reaction in that split second can determine how our child will respond in moments of Adversity. Do we want to make them feel battered, traumatised, or humiliated? 

Or do we want them to pick themselves up and try again? 

Hint: it isn't by giving them another "I-told-you-so" lecture. 

When Muawiyah fell down on his first try, another uncle passing by just stared at Muawiyah, with a shocked look of concern on his face. 

Based on past experience, I knew, that in that moment, if I was to show excessive concern or sympathy, he could cry and feel demotivated from trying again. 

My response was to walk up to him, sit down beside him, assess the damage, and calmly ask, "wow, that was really fast. Did it hurt? Are you okay?" 

For a moment, he was a bit confused, then searched his body for any signs of injury. We cleaned the dirt and grass from his hands, feet and clothes, and said "jom kita baca doa (let's make du'aa), you'll feel better insha Allah then we can try again okay?"

Then I put my hand where it hurt, and recited:

بسم الله الذي لا يضر مع اسمه شيء في الأرض ولا في السماء وهو السميع العليم 

Half-way Through reading it, he continued reciting and completing the du'aa himself, with a subtle visible smile coming back to his face. 

(At that moment, I knew he was okay 😁)

Then he rushed to get up, said "feel better!", then picked up his bike in eagerness to try again, like a boss. 

After the first failed attempt, I was hesitant to allow him.. But reminding myself on point #1, he believed in himself, and as a father, I need to believe in him! 

4. Teach them when they are calm - during the moments when their emotional sides are flaring up when they are crying or emotional, their rational minds pretty much shut down from receiving information or learning new things. What we want to do is teach them when they feel better again. While Muawiyah was pushing his bike up the hill in preparation for round 2, we talked about what happened and debriefed the first attempt.. "tadi Muawiyah fell down" Then he began curiously asking "Kenapa Muawiyah falll down?" 

Then I described "when Muawiyah was scared, Muawiyah turn left and right macam tu, then Muawiyah fall down". 

Then the solution: "next time, when Muawiyah feel scared, Muawiyah don't turn left and right okay. Just put your feet down and brake slowly okay, like this" (demonstrate) 

This video was that second attempt, as he effectively applies his "brakes" this time around! 

5. Be present, in mind and soul - I noticed that the moment I begin focusing on my phone while he is playing, I immediately sense him feeling disinterested from trying again, sometimes even "bored" and wanting to go home.

Children can feel when we aren't "with them". It's important we provide them with the psychological comfort that they feel that they are supported and we got their back.  

6. Nurturing Trust - As a parent, the most satisfying part is when they grow in our presence. Not to solve their problems for them. But instead, to give them the confidence and assurance that we can be a trustworthy pillar of support to be there for them, as they challenge their limits and grow. 

You can apply that same principle in any sphere of coaching: Leadership, teaching, mentoring. 

The key to developing grit and a growth mindset in our organizations isn't to "dumb things down" or deliberately make things easy. But rather, it is done by creating an atmosphere that others feel psychologically safe environment to try out new things and challenge their limits, knowing that they are supported, and are not being penalized or traumatized if they don't (yet) succeed in their attempts.