HONOURING, NOT DISRESPECT: The “continuous improvement” paradigm of correcting mistakes

 

As my father was growing up, his grandmother used to teach him and the family to recite “Bismillah, Masha Allah” seven times every day.

However, in recent years, as he went to hadith class, he learnt that this practice was based on a baril (i.e. fabricated / false) hadith, and it had no authentic basis in the shari’ah.

His response?

“Well, that was what she knew at the time. In those days, knowledge was limited. Malays didn’t know Arabic. Most of us don’t even know what hadith is. Whatever books that we had, that was it. Buku Kuning (’the yellow book’) - that was everything to us.

Now, as we grow older, with more people studying abroad and with the accessibility of the internet, more authentic knowledge is made available… we learn, we improve lah.”

Masha Allah, what a wonderful mindset!

Instead of getting defensive about his Opah’s teachings, my dad had a perfectly objective explanation, whilst at the same time one that showed her love and respect, while focusing on improvement.

It’s a common challenge we all face, not only in religion, but also at the workplace: When we attain knowledge of something, we finally know what is the “right” thing to do (i.e. what the “standards”, regulations and guidelines say, what the Qur’an and authentic hadith instruct), or that we learn that certain practices that we have been doing might not be correct, when we try to convey that to others, we face a lot of backlash and pushback. Sometimes even hate.

The common perception is that when we try to share constructive feedback to correct certain practices, it is often seen as a form of disrespect.
“Are you saying that all this time, I am wrong? Are you saying your predecessors and forefathers are wrong? Who do you think you are?”

Naturally, when faced with this kind of defensive backlash, our knee-jerk reaction tendency is to fight back. Counter defensiveness with more defensiveness. Fight fire with fire.

… But when has that ever solved anything? We’re only perpetuating the cycle of hate and widening the gap, instead of getting them to listen and bridge our understanding to improve.

Learning from my father’s approach, I learn this important rule: If we want to bring about change, what we should try to convey are words that empathy and wisdom. Be firm, but kind. Above all, exercise patience.

Dear uncle, dear aunty, dear management team: We aren’t disrespecting the decisions that you made, neither are we saying that our predecessors are “wrong”. 

Whatever our predecessors and forefathers knew, implemented, and taught back then - that was all the knowledge that was available to them. Perhaps, back then, back then, resources were limited. They did it to the best of their ability. And just like us today, they might also make mistakes in their day. And if they were sincere, they would want their successors - their future generations like you and I - to build upon the foundations that they have built and improve them further. Let’s honour their work by enhancing it.

It’s okay to be wrong. Just correct ourselves and move on.

Besides, eventually, I will also be a predecessor to the generations after me. I know for a fact that I make mistakes - and I don’t just want them to copy-paste my mistakes. Lessons never learnt?

At the workplace, this is the negotiation strategy we try to inculcate when we bring ideas that seem a little out of the box that might expose certain practices and get challenged. And from what I’ve observed so far, when we explain it in this way, people are very accepting and receptive.

And if they reject us?

Well, our job is only to convey. So let's convey it in the best way possible: with ihsan. Leave the rest to Allah.

“It takes a Village” - Nurturing Jamaah and Building Communities

Just dropped off wifey & the kids here. Honestly, I’m super happy that these sisters are organizing such an awesome event. 

If you type in Google, “it takes a village”, google will automatically finish the sentence for you:

“to raise a child”

As Wikipedia will tell you, "it takes a village to raise a child" is a proverb that means that an entire community of people must provide for and interact positively with children for those children to experience and grow in a safe and healthy environment.

I love the subtle pretext behind how the organizers placed the big-picture intention of the event: “Let’s help each other raise our children together”. It’s not just a one-off gathering, but the long-term goals of building a future, together. 

As parents concerned about raising righteous children, we always worry about their future: How can we raise our children in the context of this modern world with all the problematic modernisms fitan around us? How can we shield them from the negative influence of those nightmare -isms that pollute the minds of our youth, like secularism, aethism, and liberalism, in addition to abundant, easily accessible nightmares in society such as pornography, zina, and drugs? How can we effectively raise polite, kind, compassionate, generous, honest children amidst a society that is moving farther and farther away from these values? What options do we have to provide our children with entertainment that is halal, fun, exciting, and educationally, boosts their personal development, without having to depend on gadgets all the time? How can we provide religious education to our children without having to be forceful and overbearing? 

The good news is, we don’t have to tackle these issues alone. Collectively, we can complement each other to be the solution our ummah needs. 

We can leverage our strengths, unique talents and abilities to help others - just as they, too, might provide their niche skills to contribute to our families, and perhaps make up for our own personal individual shortcomings. 

Through my wifey, I learned that this group of sisters did a lot of great stuff together. Through these little gatherings and simple activities, they stuck together. One of the mums there, started off as a casual participant and eventually became one of the speakers for the event.

In this group, they can provide homeschooling sessions for each other’s children (each leveraging from their own areas of expertise), share suggestions on fun places and activities to take the kids, recommendations on books, even ideas for the mommies on self-care and good courses for personal development. Even though we live in Miri, I still felt the “tempias” benefits of her associating themselves with them. 

All of this culminates in one important objective: building a jamaah. A community of like-minded individuals, based on shared principles and values, actively collaborating to heed the call of Allah: 

وَتَعَاوَنُوا۟ عَلَى ٱلْبِرِّ وَٱلتَّقْوَىٰ 

“Cooperate with one another in goodness and righteousness” (Al-Maidah 5:2)

Personally, I have always believed that this is the solution for providing sustainable positive changes in the ummah: Building relationships and forming communities, and help provide solutions for each other for the common struggles we all face. This was our intent when we started off The Barakah Effect - and continues to be our long-term goal.

As you build this relationship over time, through those relationships, many great outcomes can come out of it. 

We get to know each other. Develop. Learn from each other. Help keep each other on track, when one of our comrades slip off the rails. Feel a sense of belonging when we know others struggle just as we do; and simultaneously get inspiration and ideas from others who have found some solutions. 

Not gonna lie, as a parent, I’m thinking long-term. I do often wonder: How are my children going to find a good person to marry and raise a family together? I feel that, as we build communities, friends we trust, those who we are confident that they put in the effort to raise their children in the best upbringing, this gives us peace of mind to help “nominate” good candidates for our little ones. 

These days, with the advent of technology & modern transportation, we can revive the spirit of “neighborhood” without necessarily being physically close to each other. 

I have witnessed firsthand how powerful these relationships are. Especially when organizers of ilm classes and courses put in the active effort for the students and volunteers to mingle - many of those relationships blossom into great things. On the other hand, just like corporate organizations, those that fail to foster collaborative relationships and only focus on individualism will suffer in the long run. As human beings, we are all fragile. We drift apart. 

For context, our entire team at The Barakah Effect got to know each other purely through networking form Islamic classes. I didn’t know any of them through school, university, or work - we were total strangers who met through islamic circles of knowledge, courses and conferences. All of us bonded on the same premise: We were regular laypersons, each with our own personal history we aren’t proud of, but are now focusing on the common ground, purpose and values, to live by principles of the Qur’an and Sunnah and attain success in the Hereafter. By getting to know each other, by fostering that relationship and trust, we built a podcast together. It is through this, we develop a learning platform to force each other to learn, connect with other amazing like-minded individuals and organizations, while simultaneously add value and help others along the way.

APPLYING THIS WHERE YOU ARE

Generally, we can replicate this sort of jamaah initiative and constant work wherever we are. Start small. Just a few families - simple programs like storytelling, sharing what we learnt in class. Gather to to recite or memorize portions of the Qur’an. Potluck and bring your food. Spend time doing activities together. 

We hear people talk about networking for business or career opportunities. How about we switch things up and instead, we set our intentions and goals to be actively networking in order to build communities for our future generations. 

Here’s hoping events like these continue. 

May Allah grant us the strength to play our roles to contribute to building communities of righteous believers who help each other attain success in dunya and akhirah

Perkongsian: Pengaruh housemate “geng masjid” saya

 

Rasulullah ﷺ bersabda, salah satu antara 7 golongan yang akan mendapat naungan pada Hari Kiamat adalah

وَرَجُلٌ قَلْبُهُ مُعَلَّقٌ فِي الْمَسَاجِدِ

“Seorang yang hatinya selalu terikat pada masjid” (HR Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

Saya pernah jumpa orang macam ni. Ok lah.. at least, saya rasa lah, dia orang macam ni.

Orang tersebut adalah ex-housemate saya (nama dirahsiakan. Untuk penulisan ni, kita panggil dia “abang Jep”). Sewaktu mula-mula sekali start bekerja di Miri pada tahun 2008, kami menyewa rumah bersama.

Waktu tu, saya lain. Masih merokok. Janggut belum ada lagi. Solat pun masih tunggang langgang. Tak reti pegi masjid kecuali solat jumaat, terawih dan solat raya. Tapi kawan ni, housemate saya abang Jep - sangat rajin pergi masjid setiap hari, walaupun pada waktu tersebut, dia tiada kereta sendiri. Subuh, Maghrib, Isha: setiap hari beliau akan pinjam kereta housemate; kalau takde kereta, dia tetap juga akan jalan dari rumah ke masjid, jarak dalam 1km.
Ya, walaupun waktu subuh 😱.

Lama-kelamaan dia start pinjam kereta saya untuk ke masjid, walaupun saya sendiri tak pegi. Lawak gak, masa tu saya rasa seronok dan agak bangga, sebab kononnya housemate guna kereta saya untuk tujuan ibadah. Padahal sendiri tak pegi 😆. Dah tahu fadilat solat jemaah 27x ganda, housemet dah pegi masjid bawak kereta aku, tapi still jugak solat sorang2 kat bilik. Fail.

Satu hari, masa tengah main videogame Xbox saya - rasanya pada waktu maghrib - Abang Jep cakap, “eh.. jom la bro. Ikut i pegi masjid. Nanti balik karang u sambung la main”

Betul jugak. Pegi kejap je, pastu sambung.

Ok lah. Jom.

Rasa2nya, tulah first time saya solat fardhu di masjid di luar Ramadan. Rasa macam.. best pulak. Takde la susah sangat. Sempoi je. Solat 5 minit, pastu balik. Setel. Balik tu, main lah game puas2.

Tapi semenjak hari tersebut, tercetuslah rasa semangat untuk teruskan tabiat ini setiap hari. Satu tabiat harian yang  saya cuba kekalkan dengan istiqamah sehingga hari ini: Hampir 15 tahun kemudian. Dan saya harap, terus kekal sehingga nafas terakhir. 

Saya doakan semoga Allah mengurniakan juga pahala kepadanya setiap kali saya pergi solat fardu di masjid, kerana Nabi ﷺ bersabda,

مَنْ دَعَا إِلَى هُدًى، كَانَ لَهُ مِنَ الْأَجْرِ مِثْلُ أُجُورِ مَنْ تَبِعَهُ، لَا يَنْقُصُ ذَلِكَ مِنْ أُجُورِهِمْ شَيْئًا

“Barangsiapa yang menyeru (seseorang) kepada hidayah, baginya ganjaran sepertimana ganjaran orang yang mengikutinya tanpa mengurangi sedikitpun daripada ganjaran mereka (yang melakukan).” [HR Muslim (2674)]

WALAUPUN TRAVEL…

Yang saya rasa amat kagum dengan sikap dia.. Dia akan tetap istiqamah untuk solat di masjid walaupun musafir untuk business travel. Saya pernah ikut dia travel. Dia sanggup pilih hotel murah - hotel 3 bintang yang buruk - asalkan walking distance dengan masjid. Kalau ikut kita lah… 1,001 alasan. “Rilek ah bro.. musafir baa”. Tapi dia, tetap nak juga solat subuh di masjid. Masha Allah.. Ini betul2 real cinta masjid, bang. First time saya jumpa orang macam ni.

Disebabkan pengaruh beliau ini juga, skarang, semua tempat saya musafir, saya akan usaha cari masjid. Dah jadi macam adventure, bila holiday, kita test masjid di negeri2 lain. Ini semua berkat pengaruh abang Jep.

CINTA QUR’AN

Dia jugalah antara orang pertama saya jumpa yang cintakan Al-Qur’an. Saya ingat first time saya ikut dia solat subuh pada hari Jumaat. Muka dia sangat happy dan excited bawak saya. dia kata, “masjid ni special bro. Tiap2 minggu hari jumaat, dia akan baca surah sajadah dan al-insan.. ikut sunnah Nabi. Memang best”.

Masa tu, saya tak faham.. “tu yang best? Surah panjang2 ni?” Masa tu, tak appreciate. Kita suka imam yang baca Al-Kauthar dengan Al-Ikhlas. Tak erti rasa kemanisan ikut Sunnah Nabi ﷺ (Kalau tak ikut, memang tak rasa la kan). 

Bertahun2 kemudian, selepas dah hafal dan belajar tafsir surah2 tersebut.. baru saya rasa.. wow.. memang best. Dan Abang Jep lah antara orang pertama saya jumpa yang menonjolkan perasaan cinta nya. Legend. 

ASAL USUL CINTA MASJID?

Lepas kami dah mula jadi geng masjid sebumbung, saya pernah interview dia.. nak belajar sikit “origin story” dia.. mana asal usul semangat istiqamah dia untuk solat di masjid? Adakah ilham datang dari diri sendiri? Atau ada ahli keluarga yang didik dia?

Dia kata, sejak dia kecil, bapa dia yang rajin bawa dia pergi ke surau untuk setiap solat fardhu. Jadi, bila dah besar - masa universiti, masa dah kerja, umur 30-an, dah ada anak 3 orang - habit dah lekat. Dah jadi kebiasaan. Mesti solat kat masjid. Kalau tak pegi masjid, rasa lain macam.

Wow.. ini lah kesan tarbiyah seorang bapa. Dan disebabkan beliaulah, saya rasa semangat dan tergerak hati untuk bawa anak saya Muawiyah ke masjid setiap hari sejak umurnya 2 tahun. Dan saya berharap juga, kalaulah Muawiyah rajin solat di masjid selepas dia baligh, moga2 abang Jep & bapanya juga dapat pahala free.

KAWAN BAIK

Sahabat2 sekalian. Ini lah kesan pengaruh bila kita ada sahabat yang baik. Nabi ﷺ bersabda,

مَثَلُ الجَلِيسِ الصَّالِحِ وَالسَّوْءِ، كَحَامِلِ المِسْكِ وَنَافِخِ الكِيرِ، فَحَامِلُ المِسْكِ: إِمَّا أَنْ يُحْذِيَكَ، وَإِمَّا أَنْ تَبْتَاعَ مِنْهُ، وَإِمَّا أَنْ تَجِدَ مِنْهُ رِيحًا طَيِّبَةً، وَنَافِخُ الكِيرِ: إِمَّا أَنْ يُحْرِقَ ثِيَابَكَ، وَإِمَّا أَنْ تَجِدَ رِيحًا خَبِيثَةً

“Perumpamaan teman yang baik dan teman yang buruk adalah seperti seorang penjual minyak wangi dan seorang tukang besi. Adapun penjual minyak wangi, mungkin akan memberi kamu (minyak wangi tersebut), atau kamu membeli daripadanya, atau kamu mendapat bau yang harum daripadanya - sekadar berada di sekelilingnya.

Sedangkan tukang besi pula, boleh jadi akan membakar bajumu. Atau paling kurang, kamu mendapatkan bau yang busuk bila berada dengannya.”

(HR Al-Bukhari (5534) dan Muslim (2628))

Saya amat bersyukur kerana Allah takdirkan saya stay dengan abang Jep. Antara semua manusia di dunia ni, Allah takdirkan kami report duty pada hari yang sama, di tempat berjauhan dari keluarga, dan tinggal satu rumah bersama. Walaupun kami housemate untuk jangkamasa kurang dari setahun, tapi terasa impak dan kesian besar dalam hidup saya. Allahumma barik. 

Jujur saya cakap, ada juga rasa jeles demi Allah.. bestnya, dia dapat pahala free free je, setiap kali saya pegi masjid. Alangkah baiknya kalau aku pun dapat bagi pengaruh yang baik yang berkekalan untuk sahabat2ku! Tapi yalah.. jangan angan2 je. Nak pahala, kena la usaha. Ajak je kawan kita. Kalau diorg buat tak tahu, ajak lagi. Kadang2 kita ni cepat sangat putus asa. Saya bersyukur la abang Jep tak putus asa dengan saya.

Kita semua ada sahabat2 yang perlukan dorongan. Jadi lah seorang sahabat seperti abang Jep.

Imam Syafi'ee pernah berkata:
“Jika engkau mempunyai teman yang selalu membantumu dalam rangka ketaatan kepada Allah, maka peganglah dia erat-erat, jangan pernah kau lepaskannya. Kerana mencari teman yang baik itu susah, tetapi melepaskannya sangat mudah sekali…”
(Ruj: Sifat As-Safwah)

Semoga menjadi contoh teladan yang baik agar dijadikan ibrah untuk kita semua, dan semoga Allah jadikan kita semua istiqamah dalam beribadah kepada-Nya dengan cara yang Dia paling Cintai.. 🤲🏽

One of my favorite Parenting Advice: How to Deal with Emotional outbursts & tantrums

 

One of the most practical parenting tip I learnt was something I learnt from the book "The Montessori Toddler: A parent's guide to raising a curious and responsible human being", by Simone Davies - about learning and to deal with tantrums and any emotional outbursts such as intense pain or waking up from a nightmare:

"The first thing to do is to help them calm down."

That's it. When they are in emo mode, "all the reasoning in the world or explanations will fall on deaf ears. We need to first help them close the lid by giving them support to calm down."

Sounds, so basic, right? 

It’s so simple but so effective. 

And so, so difficult to implement. Much easier said than done.

In our recent airplane ride, while Muawiyah was sleeping beside me, he suddenly woke up started shouting in pain.

As any parent would have experienced, having our children cry out loud in an airplane is an incredibly awkward and vulnerable situation to be in. Not only did he wake me up from my sleep, he was disturbing other passengers. So much internal dialogue going on in our heads as we feel more and more conscious of ourselves: 

"what's going on?! What can I do? It’s just us, and unlike the home which we have the flexibility to change our environment, here in the plane boxed up in this congested tight space. I got nowhere to go, with so many passengers. What will they think?"

Putting into practice what I’ve learnt from the book, I simply gave him a gentle hug and pat him on the back, trying to control myself: No telling him to keep quiet, no bombarding him with excessive questions like "what's wrong" or "where does it hurt?"

Trust the process. 

After a couple of intense, long minutes, he eventually calmed himself and explained that he felt “ticklish” at his feet. He was experiencing numbness in his feet, because of his awkward sleeping position.

Now, if you’ve experienced numbness before, you know what’s coming next: the second phase - the ticklish phase - that’s a lot more shocking, annoying and difficult to handle. 

Boom. 2nd wave kicks in. 

He screamed at the top of his lungs and started thrashing around in pain, almost like a scene of a possessed little girl in a Hollywood horror movie. 

At this point, my patience was tested to the limit. At that moment, I felt like telling him to keep quiet, or try to shut his mouth. But I have to keep reminding myself, "be patient, stay calm, he needs you now. This will be over in 3 minutes. Trust the process."

True enough: after some of the longest 3 minutes of my life, he eventually started to calm down. Gradually, his tone of voice changed. He started initiating conversations, talking about random fun stuff, and before long, he was cracking jokes and back to his usual, cheeky self. In fact, even happier than he was before. 

On a human level, we can see why this simple approach works, even for adults. If we keep yelling at someone who just remains calm and unphased, eventually our rational selves will be wondering, "what's wrong with me?"

Quote:

"We are saying it’s okay for them to melt down. Rather than trying to get the tantrum to stop as soon as possible, allow them to express all their feelings safely until they are calm, and show that we are there to help if they need us. And, once they are calm, we can help them make amends if needed." 

This approach - calming them down - is different from the standard "Biar je" technique of ignoring them and letting them cool down by themselves. But that will just leave them feeling abandoned. Maybe even betrayed. 

How would you feel when you wanted to complain or express yourself to your loved ones, but they just turned away and ignored you? 

Quoting the book:

"Ignoring the tantrum directs our child’s feelings at us instead of at the problem that upset them. It creates a conflict just when they need connection. Calm and kind acceptance encourages them to express their feelings.

Over time, they will find healthier forms of expression, but they will not be scared to share their feelings with us because they will know that we are capable of being kind and calm even when they have feelings that are big and scary." 

And that's what I love about this "help them calm down" approach: not only does it help resolve emotional outbursts in a healthy way, but handled well, it turns in an opportunity for building trust and connection. 

This has been my go-to approach for every tantrum and outburst for the past 3 years, and it has never failed me. If it did ever fail, it's because I was the one who lost my cool and yelled at him, and escalated the situation into a power struggle. Bad move. Can't fight fire with fire. Or, flex my parenting authority to impose it upon him. These approaches It might have worked at the time as a quick fix, but it has negative long term ramifications for the child. What we want to develop is a sense of cooperation and trust, as we grow up together. 

But the key to getting this help-them-calm-down approach to work, is being patient at the first strike: when the tantrum hits. This is the most difficult time when emotions are at its peak and we most overwhelmed - this is when we need to remain calm & stand our ground. This is why the Prophet ﷺ said:

إِنَّمَا الصَّبْرُ عِنْدَ الصَّدْمَةِ الأُولَى ‏

"Verily, true patience is at the first strike of a calamity." (Al-Bukhari, Muslim) 

May Allah grant us Sabr to handle our children and raise them to be the coolness of our eyes, in dunya and akhirah 

POCS sharing & conversation with the team - QTS6, 10 January 2023

 

Every 2 years, our organization issues out an Organizational Cultural Survey to their 40,000+ staff to gauge the overall morale and effectiveness throughout the company.

This time around, in 2022, they did something different: they allowed every layer of management to view the results within their own respective teams, albeit anonymously. In fact, the goal was to go one step further: have a conversation with your teams and identify what we can do together.

Quite a few leaders were taken aback by these results - I heard some even remarked that they felt quite “demoralized” at the surprisingly poor results. Some even felt a bit frustrated or offended, as the feedback seemed as if it was aimed at them, in particular. 

But to me, professionally speaking, I loved this concept. I saw it as a fantastic opportunity. An opportunity to have an open dialogue & conversation with the team and practice psychological safety: to provide a safe space to voice out their grievances which they have kept bottled up. For them to practice their own courage to act, speak up, and own up to their criticism and feedback, instead of just throw anonymous potshots behind a virtual wall like people today do at Twitter. 

Boy, was it a conversation to remember.

At times, it did feel a little bit uneasy as we hear a lot of unpleasant perspectives being brought to light. A colleague even remarked “I cannot stand this negative atmosphere”. 

But to me, as ‘negative’ as it may have seemed, I saw it differently. As a leader, it was a chance for me to implement the Good-to-Great quality to Confront the Brutal Facts. To fight that ever-present dislike towards constructive feedback - to own up to the harsh reality and improve. I openly told them, “if you have any constructive criticism towards me, also, I would love to hear it. Don’t worry, I’ll take it professionally. I’m a big boy”

Of course, this process was easier said than done: throughout the conversation, I had to refrain myself and always remind myself to be patient and remain calm. This is a time to listen and seek clarification: not to defend or respond. At times, it was tempting to respond with a “clarification” or explaining an answer, but that would defeat the purpose and potentially discourage the team from voicing out what they truly feel. Let them speak, validate their perspective and emotions (without necessarily agreeing or disagreeing with them), seek clarification to understand their points of view, and take it as food for thought for developing empathy and to reflect for future improvement. 

But most importantly, it wasn’t just a townhall mob to talk talk talk; we needed to make sure we had clear actions that we can work on to improve. The idea was stimulate the group to go into problem-solving mode: gear the conversation towards one about how WE can take action within what is in our control. Within those elements where we felt our organization needs to improve, what can WE do within our own scope and sphere of influence? For example, if we feel the organization and its leaders need to improve on: 

- Action Taking - what are WE doing to listen to our clients, colleagues and superiors, to ask for their feedback and put it into action?

- Transparency - how good are WE at reporting our own work progress, sharing our knowledge to others, and keeping the team updated? How good at we at admitting our own mistakes and demonstrating our commitment towards rectifying our shortcomings?

- Challenge Status Quo - Are we ourselves resistant to change, in accepting new challenges and open to try doing things differently? Or, do we also have a subconscious, stubborn tendency to stick with old ways of working?

If these are the leadership qualities we want to see, then these are the very same qualities that we need to instill in ourselves first - right here, right now. We are creatures of habit: what you do consistently, you will continue doing when you rise up the ranks. And it’s not like you can just flip a switch just because your responsibility goes up. If you fail to be transparent and listen to feedback today, what makes you think you can magically change when you become a leader? 

Your actions today is an evidence of your future self. 

Our team is part of a team, which is part of a larger team, which is part of a larger team - which eventually makes up the organization as a whole. If we take the ownership to improve ourselves first, imagine if every small team like ours, thought in the same way. 

Let’s be the change that we want to see.

Do we need to use child locks? Is there a better way?

 

About a year ago, our 4-year old Muawiyah learnt how to open the car door by himself. When the wifey, his mother, saw this, she was surprised.. 

“oh no! He knows how to open the door on his own!”

I said, “yeah, I taught him.”

I'll never forget the shock on her face: 

“YOU taught him how to open the car door? WHY?!”

Let me explain 🤓.. 

Before we had children of our own, I observed how some families struggle with keeping their children (I.e. Boys 😂) at bay. Some are so feisty that they will open the car doors midway and the parents have no choice but to use child locks. 

Fair enough… I can see the safety concerns and considerations behind it. 

But from an observer what that also does is that it subconsciously communicates to our children that “I can’t trust you with safety”. That “as long as you have this capability, you are a risk to yourself and your family”. 

So, I often wondered: what if there's a better, more respectful way? 

What if we TAUGHT our toddler children how to open doors by themselves? What if we could educate them about safety, make them understand the consequences of opening car doors on the move, and empower them to make the right choices, without having to resort to locking mechanisms that trap them inside - and subsequently, send a clear message that we trust them? 

My logic was, if we raise them with the habit of sitting in their car seats, then they can’t really reach out for the door handles anyway. So why don’t we take the proactive approach: WE be the people who teach and trust them, before they develop that curiosity and “test” for themselves? Especially in the presence of other cheeky kids?

Now that I had a boi of my own, I could put that hypothesis to the test, myself. I taught him in detail: how to unlock, lock the doors, open the door, close it by himself. 

But most importantly, it wasn't a free rein to unleash chaos. I gave him the Uncle Ben speech: “With great power, comes great responsibility”, customized for 3-year olds. 

I would talk to him, have a conversation like an adult, on why safety is important. How it can cause accidents, harm to others, to ourselves, and I outright told him about how there are lots of bad people out there, and if we don’t protect ourselves then they might hurt us. 

Conversations would play out something like this:

Muawiyah: “If Muawiyah open the door, Muawiyah can fall outside and die?”

Abah: “That’s right, Muawiyah, you might get hurt. Remember the last time you fell from your bicycle? Did that hurt? (Yupp..). Sakit kan? If car hit you is even more painful. You might break something, and might even die. ”

“And then the ambulance will come fast? And then Abah sad?” 

“Yes Abah will be very sad. Ibu and Abah will cry”

“Oh.” (pauses in deep thought. Then creates new stories) 

“And then Abah bring Muawiyah to Van Jenazah?” 

(Depending on his mood, either he will start going into contemplation, or he will start continuing his imagination story until somehow it evolves into being about a submarine that’s “fast like Sonic” that can fly)

The result? To date, for the past year or so, he NEVER opened the door during unsafe scenarios. 

In fact, for most times, in the first few weeks, he would remind ME to lock the doors - and if I didn’t, he would lock his own. Many times, he would remind me on safety:

“Abah, be careful at the bump okay?”

“Abah, you forgot your seatbelt!”

“Abah, don’t rush to the masjid okay?”

That's so awesome! I learnt also we should condition our response: If our child rushes to correct us, we need to embrace these opportunities to lead by example to model good akhlaq, and simultaneously encourage their air ma'ruf nahi munkar, and their sincere concerns for us. 

"Oh yeah! Thank you, Muawiyah!"

I believe Little gestures like these go a long way towards shaping their character. Masha Allah, it's nice to see how, when we educate them with care, they end up showing care for us too. 

Caveat: I did, however, make an observation. Maybe this approach might only work 100% if children are accustomed to the habit of sitting in car seats. Car seats provide elevation for them, which they can see the road and pretty much everything we adults see, too. And that makes a world of difference, to keep them engaged! I noticed, that the very few times that we didn't have a car seat and Muawiyah sat on the passenger seats, he gets very bored and restless. 

And once they start getting restless... heh.

Anyhow, that's our experience, which hopefully provides some useful insight for other parents. 

Would love to hear from other fellow parents: Do you struggle with keeping your kids in the car? Do you need to use the child locks? What did you need to resort to?

Your Hero's Journey: Perhaps your worst challenges could be the necessary stepping stone for a greater success

 

When Yusuf was oppressively sold into slavery, purchased by a man from Egypt, Allah says: 

ۚ وَكَذَٰلِكَ مَكَّنَّا لِيُوسُفَ فِي الْأَرْضِ

“And thus, that is how We established Yusuf in the land” (Surah Yusuf, 12:21)

Let's ponder upon Allah’s words here, in the context of Yusuf’s story: Wait a minute, what do you mean “established” Yusuf? Didn’t he just become commodity of human trafficking, got sold into child slavery, here, as a 7-year old? Didn’t the story just take another plunge to another tragedy - from the frying pan into the fire? 

In fact, as we know later in the story, it’s in this very same household that the wife of his master would attempt to seduce him, and despite proven his innocence, would be unjustly imprisoned for many many years. 

From solitary confinement at the bottom of a well in the middle of a desert, to slavery: isn’t much of an improvement, let alone an “establishment”, right?

How do we reconcile this?

Now, let’s fast forward the story. In the end, Yusuf himself was appointed as Al-‘Aziz, the one in charge of the resources of Egypt. Basically, he got the job of his Master.

How did he get there? This Egyptian man who bought Yusuf as a slave, was in fact al-‘Aziz. And it was the Qadar of Allah this man had the intention to raise Yusuf as if he was his own child, and told his wife to raise him in the best upbringing. And for the remainder of his childhood, it was in that household that Yusuf was raised and grew up in this environment of leadership, giving him the gradual exposure of managing and leading. 

And yes, those other incidents happened - being seduced, thrown into prison - but it was through those very same incidents that became the necessary mechanisms for him to be established. It was in prison that he met his companion who got his dream by Yusuf, and it was this companion who was released from prison and got an occupation as a servant to the King. And years later, the King of Egypt experienced a strange dream in which no one among his knowledgeable royal advisors could interpret. 

Hmm.. I wonder who’s pretty good at interpreting dreams? 

King’s servant be like: “Hey, your Majesty, I think know a guy”

That’s how Yusuf got established. 

How did all of this chain of events begin? By this very moment. This tragedy of being oppressively sold into slavery.

Sometimes the darkest moments in our lives – the worst of tragedies and calamities – though unpleasant and tragic, they could be what transforms us to become the people we need to be. The death of a loved one, the loss of our jobs, being rejected from others, getting stabbed in the back by people you trust. Yet, they could be the rude awakening that slaps us away from our heedlessness, into finally taking action to make a change. 

That's why fictional hero stories use tragedies as a plot device all the time. Just ask Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker. 

Don’t look at that tragedy as your downfall – rather, it could be the triggering moments of your hero’s journey – IF you take the right choices to allow it to be your triumphant moments.

We have a choice to view crisis as an opportunity. An opportunity to turn adversity to advantage. Tribulations into triumph. Obstacles into establishment. 

وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُمْ حَتَّىٰ نَعْلَمَ ٱلْمُجَـٰهِدِينَ مِنكُمْ وَٱلصَّـٰبِرِينَ وَنَبْلُوَا۟ أَخْبَارَكُمْ ٣١

“We will certainly test you (believers) until We prove those of you who (truly) struggle and remain steadfast; 

and We shall reveal your true colours.” (Surah Muhammad 47:31)

What will people say about you when you go?

 

I recall a time when one of our leaders left the organization for retirement. During his farewell, it was a quite the grand party with a pretty impressive crowd: endless video testimonials of his greatness, his qualities, his contributions and how people were grateful were to have had the honour of working with him. 

But as time passed by, I began hearing different sides of the story. As I began having conversations with people across different departments, I started hearing remarks reminiscing about their stressful and frustrating experiences working with him: “it was so difficult to work with him”, “he gave us such a hard time”. Some even went as far as to remark how it was a “relief” that he finally left, and that since then, it has rekindled their joy of working. One person even expressed to me that “everyone knows how he really was”. 

Are these “offline conversations” a truer reflection of that person? Was it necessary for him to burn bridges as a price to pay to strive for greatness and success? 

Well, what is “success”, then? Where do you place “people” in the wake of your resume of “achievements”?

I recall this quote: “People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.”

What will people say about us when we go? When we retire, when we die: How will we be remembered? Will people only remember the superficial aspects of our life, which will be forgotten almost immediately? What efforts have we consciously done – or are doing right now – to invest in others for their trust, respect, or love? 

A funeral procession passed in front of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ and the people praised the deceased man and spoke highly of him. In response, the Prophet ﷺ said, "وَجَبَتْ" - "confirmed".

Then another funeral procession passed by and the people condemned this deceased man and spoke ill of him. The Prophet ﷺ said, وَجَبَتْ "confirmed"

The people asked the Prophet, "O Messenger of Allah! You said it has been affirmed for both?"

He ﷺ said,

شَهَادَةُ الْقَوْمِ، الْمُؤْمِنُونَ شُهَدَاءُ اللَّهِ فِي الأَرْضِ

"The testimony of the people (is accepted), for the believers are the witnesses of Allah on Earth." (Al-Bukhari)

This hadith puts the concerns into perspective: Testimonials of righteous people matter. 

Which is quite sobering, if you give it some thought. People of righteousness won’t be spitting out fake testimonials as a show. And the lesson here is that it’s not about putting on a superficial facade of righteousness. It’s about what they sincerely feel about you. 

And that is why, among the du’aa made by Prophet Ibrahim was,

وَاجْعَل لِّى لِسَانَ صِدْقٍ فِى الاٌّخِرِينَ 

“And grant me an honorable mention in later generations.” (Surah Ash-Shu’ara 26:84)

In commentary of this ayah, ibn Kathir says this means, “cause me to be remembered in a good manner after my death, so that I will be spoken of and taken as a good example.”

An Arab poet said,

“O son of Adam, when you came into this world, you were crying and people around you were smiling in happiness.

Live your live such that, when you leave this world, you are smiling in happiness, and people around you are crying”

May Allah grant us an honorable mention after we depart