One of the most practical parenting tip I learnt was something I learnt from the book "The Montessori Toddler: A parent's guide to raising a curious and responsible human being", by Simone Davies - about learning and to deal with tantrums and any emotional outbursts such as intense pain or waking up from a nightmare:
"The first thing to do is to help them calm down."
That's it. When they are in emo mode, "all the reasoning in the world or explanations will fall on deaf ears. We need to first help them close the lid by giving them support to calm down."
Sounds, so basic, right?
It’s so simple but so effective.
And so, so difficult to implement. Much easier said than done.
In our recent airplane ride, while Muawiyah was sleeping beside me, he suddenly woke up started shouting in pain.
As any parent would have experienced, having our children cry out loud in an airplane is an incredibly awkward and vulnerable situation to be in. Not only did he wake me up from my sleep, he was disturbing other passengers. So much internal dialogue going on in our heads as we feel more and more conscious of ourselves:
"what's going on?! What can I do? It’s just us, and unlike the home which we have the flexibility to change our environment, here in the plane boxed up in this congested tight space. I got nowhere to go, with so many passengers. What will they think?"
Putting into practice what I’ve learnt from the book, I simply gave him a gentle hug and pat him on the back, trying to control myself: No telling him to keep quiet, no bombarding him with excessive questions like "what's wrong" or "where does it hurt?"
Trust the process.
After a couple of intense, long minutes, he eventually calmed himself and explained that he felt “ticklish” at his feet. He was experiencing numbness in his feet, because of his awkward sleeping position.
Now, if you’ve experienced numbness before, you know what’s coming next: the second phase - the ticklish phase - that’s a lot more shocking, annoying and difficult to handle.
Boom. 2nd wave kicks in.
He screamed at the top of his lungs and started thrashing around in pain, almost like a scene of a possessed little girl in a Hollywood horror movie.
At this point, my patience was tested to the limit. At that moment, I felt like telling him to keep quiet, or try to shut his mouth. But I have to keep reminding myself, "be patient, stay calm, he needs you now. This will be over in 3 minutes. Trust the process."
True enough: after some of the longest 3 minutes of my life, he eventually started to calm down. Gradually, his tone of voice changed. He started initiating conversations, talking about random fun stuff, and before long, he was cracking jokes and back to his usual, cheeky self. In fact, even happier than he was before.
On a human level, we can see why this simple approach works, even for adults. If we keep yelling at someone who just remains calm and unphased, eventually our rational selves will be wondering, "what's wrong with me?"
Quote:
"We are saying it’s okay for them to melt down. Rather than trying to get the tantrum to stop as soon as possible, allow them to express all their feelings safely until they are calm, and show that we are there to help if they need us. And, once they are calm, we can help them make amends if needed."
This approach - calming them down - is different from the standard "Biar je" technique of ignoring them and letting them cool down by themselves. But that will just leave them feeling abandoned. Maybe even betrayed.
How would you feel when you wanted to complain or express yourself to your loved ones, but they just turned away and ignored you?
Quoting the book:
"Ignoring the tantrum directs our child’s feelings at us instead of at the problem that upset them. It creates a conflict just when they need connection. Calm and kind acceptance encourages them to express their feelings.
Over time, they will find healthier forms of expression, but they will not be scared to share their feelings with us because they will know that we are capable of being kind and calm even when they have feelings that are big and scary."
And that's what I love about this "help them calm down" approach: not only does it help resolve emotional outbursts in a healthy way, but handled well, it turns in an opportunity for building trust and connection.
This has been my go-to approach for every tantrum and outburst for the past 3 years, and it has never failed me. If it did ever fail, it's because I was the one who lost my cool and yelled at him, and escalated the situation into a power struggle. Bad move. Can't fight fire with fire. Or, flex my parenting authority to impose it upon him. These approaches It might have worked at the time as a quick fix, but it has negative long term ramifications for the child. What we want to develop is a sense of cooperation and trust, as we grow up together.
But the key to getting this help-them-calm-down approach to work, is being patient at the first strike: when the tantrum hits. This is the most difficult time when emotions are at its peak and we most overwhelmed - this is when we need to remain calm & stand our ground. This is why the Prophet ﷺ said:
إِنَّمَا الصَّبْرُ عِنْدَ الصَّدْمَةِ الأُولَى
"Verily, true patience is at the first strike of a calamity." (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)
May Allah grant us Sabr to handle our children and raise them to be the coolness of our eyes, in dunya and akhirah
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