Mastering Q&A - What I observed & learned from Rashdan

 

This week, I've had the pleasure of attending three separate Q&A sessions handled and answered by Rashdan, GM head of Technical Excellence OE & Skill Group Advisor. In all three sessions, I bombarded him with questions (something he remembers quote fondly), and in my view, he handled all of them really well, answering them professionally with class & cool. 

Handling open Q&A is a very difficult task, especially when leaders are confronted with an emotional crowd, a difficult situation such as a reorganisation and/or disgruntled employees. 

I've always thought of Q&A sessions as the factor that tips the scales of leadership engagement session effectiveness. If done well, it can help bridge understanding, create an atmosphere of trust, and ultimately inspire collaboration. If handled poorly, it will just create resentment and bottled-up frustration, widening the gap between leadership and the rest, or end up in frustrated people regretting to ask questions anymore. 

Observing his approach, here are some things I learned :

1. Open & transparent

This is what I appreciate most about his answers that make him standout: Transparency & generosity. He doesn't just give out dismissive "standard management answers" or "taichi" answers that just hand-off responsibility to absent parties. 

He comes prepared. He generously gives out glimpses of "what happens behind the scenes", always sharing a "sneak peak of what's to come", revealing thought processes & considerations of why certain decisions are done the way that they are. 

In doing so, it paints a much more holistic picture and provides deep, valuable insight, bridging the understanding and appreciation with leadership. 

While we may not necessarily "agree" with everything, we can ultimately appreciate & respect the well-meaning intentions, and can get behind to support. 

2. Respectful listening & psychological safety

I hope more leaders, teachers and parents develop this. Throughout his Q&A, he never gives condescending remarks or dismisses the question, rather, he listens till the end and shows appreciation for the question(s). 

Inviting, respectful and inclusive. 

3. Empathy: show, don't tell. 

Sometimes we hear people who say "I hear you, but.." - then proceed to make statements that makes us wonder if they even bothered to listen.

Not this guy, though. He recognises the frustration of the questioners, summarizes them to demonstrate his understanding, relates to them, then provides insight to directly address the concerns. 

4. Keep it cool 😎 - Develop emotional control 

This is really quite remarkable. Throughout the entire session, somehow, he consistently maintains a demeanor of calmness and cheerfulness, almost never losing that smile, or showing signs of annoyance or anger. 

So, not only does he handle Q&A like a boss, but he leaves the session coming off as just that bit more likeable, in the process. 

What sorcery is this 🤣

Overcoming the Aversion and Anxiety of “Networking”: My 2-Pronged Strategy

Do you dislike “networking”? 

I know I sure did - in the past. 

But these days, I learned to change my perception to see it differently, approach it in a more human and organic way, and kind of get better at it. 

In the recent DEAS 2023 conference, I had the opportunity to meet many new awesome people from many different backgrounds. And I had a great time doing it (never thought I’d see the day). 

So, why DO we dislike networking? We all know in our rational minds that building relationships is good for us, on many levels. Isn’t it just another form of relationship-building? 

The truth is, looking back, I actually enjoy meeting people. What I didn’t particularly enjoy about the (perceived) notion of “networking”, boils down to 3 elements: insincerity, pretentiousness, and social anxiety. 

I didn’t like the idea of it being a transactional exercise: getting to know people because you want something from them, or linking with people as a utility to serve a personal agenda, i.e. “What can I get from getting to know you?” - When people exchange business cards solely with the mindset of WIIFM: What’s in it for me?

What I disliked most about it was the discrimination that came with the WIIFM approach. To be selective of whom you interact with, on the basis of a utalitarian and materialistic mindset: ‘if you are a nobody, you aren't “worthy” of my card or my time’. In this same vein, I hated the narcissistic idea of people only initiate conversations with “famous” people just to get a selfie, post on their instagram, to use it to boost some likes. 

Plus, I didn’t like (what I perceived to be) inauthentic facade. This idea that you have to pretend to be someone else, to blend in. It felt so inauthentic and disingenuous. 

And of course, finally: the social anxiety. Growing up as an introvert, I used to get really anxious at the thought of mingling with strangers. What if I run out of things to say? What if people discover that I’m just this talentless, boring fella who they just “wasted” their business card and their time? 

It’s just so much easier stay in my social comfort zone!

The key to overcoming the aversion and anxiety of networking is answering this: How can we build relationships without being manipulative, while remaining true to our authentic selves AND get over the anxiety?

For me, there are many, but it all basically boils down to two main strategies: Mindset shift, and conversational technique. 

1. Mindset shift: Be a student. 

Be someone who is genuinely interested to learn about others - Ditch the transactional WIIFM thought. Don’t seek “what I can gain from them”. Instead, ask “what i can learn?” 

Your purpose of building connection is to learn and expand your knowledge of others. Not solely to obtain potential clients, future job potential, testimonials, or build “cables” to call in favors in the future. 

The core mindset here is to acknowledge that everyone has fascinating stories to tell. Your job is to give them a platform to share so you can uncover those gems. Take an interest to know about them - what they do, where they’re from, what brought them here, 

This reminds me of a beautiful piece of advice related by the legendary Muslim Tabi’ee scholar, Hasan Al-Basri about being humble: 

“True Humility is for you to leave your home, and believe that every single Muslim that you see is BETTER than you” (Ref: Minhaj Al-Qasidin, ibn Al-Jawzi)

This mindset of humility allows us to stay grounded, because we genuinely believe that other people must have some quality that is better than us - perhaps we just don’t know it yet!

When you approach conversations with this mindset, you naturally become a better listener. You’re not just pretending to listen, you really do want to take an interest to learn more. Their stories open up new perspectives, and eventually become your stories, too.

With this mindset, you won't be discriminating who “deserves” your attention, or pretend to be something that you’re not. 

In the occasional event that you DO establish relationships that unravel a great opportunity - such as an awesome client or your future career trajectory - then consider that a bonus, and not the main objective.

1. Conversational Strategy: Active Listening

To me, active listening is the superpower behind any interaction - especially when meeting new people. 

The key behind first-time networking conversations is to shine the spotlight on them, let them be the star of the conversation. ‘Ataa bin Abi Rabah, another Muslim scholar from the tabi’ee used to say:

“A young man came to me to inform me something (of knowledge), therefore I kept silent and listened, being fully attentive, as if I have never heard of it before, even though I have actually known about that matter before this man was even born” (Siyar A’lam An-Nubula 5/86)

Because of point #1 (your genuine interest to learn), it should be reflected by your words an actions by displaying a keen interest and a sense of wonder - “wow”, “fascinating”, “that’s so interesting”, “tell me more”. 

As they talk and reveal more stuff, pick up something you know a little bit about - or even at least have some degree of interest: a place, a subject, a hobby, children. Something you heard about, but you weren’t sure: Then hone in on that. Ask questions and allow them to correct you. Do these enough times, it eventually involves into a legit thrilling conversation and journey of discovery.

This achieves two things: Firstly, it takes of the mental pressure and anxiety for you to come up with things to say and risk sounding uninteresting. Secondly, by showing your interest, it removes THEIR anxiety, knowing they aren't just talking to themselves! This not only encourages them to share more, but generates a positive experience of your interaction. 

But… what if they dominate the conversation? What if you wind up stuck with a conversational narcissist? “When do I get to say something?”

Well, if we applied the mindset in #1 above, it shouldnt matter. We are here to learn, after all! 

What do you think? Do you still have an aversion and anxiety in networking? What are some strategies that you use?

6 Tips for Effective Discussion Facilitation - DEAS 2023

 

@Digital Energy Asia Summit (DEAS) 2023: 7-8 June, KL Convention Centre

Panel Discussion - “Process Safety and Cyber Security: Convergence towards Asset Protection” 

Alhamdulillah, I have been granted the opportunity to contribute as moderator of the plenary discussion at the DEAS 2023 conference. 

Being a moderator for a discussion in front of a live audience is always anxiety-inducing tough work, especially when we need to facilitate topics we aren’t very familiar with, such as what I had to handle in this case. 

Here are sometips and strategies I implemented to improve and enhance my role towards becoming an effective moderator: 

1. Preparation, preparation, preparation - I’m not an impromptu guy, and I never come to a panel session unprepared. Get the panelists’ bio, get help from subject matter experts to prepare the scripts and questions in advance (focusing on specific target panelists we point them to), inform the panelists before the event, spend some extra get to know the panelists so they are comfortable talking to you. Get a feel of the conference context: Come early to assess the venue and setup, listen to the other panel discussions and paper presentations, gauge the audience and presenters. And last but not least: rehearse!

2. Always have the audience in mind - “if you want to impress people, make things complicated. If you want to help people, keep it simple”. As a rule, I always keep things simple and grounded so people have actionable takeaway points. Always use practical real-world analogy which laymen can relate to, while keep a the tone of an excited, curious student. My favorite approach is, “Enlighten me: I always thought that (provide layman perspective here)”. 

Finally, minimize the use of complex terms and jargons. The mark of a true expert is the ability to keep it simple. In Einstein’s words: “if you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough”.

3. Be ready to adjust and pivot - this is perhaps the most anxiety-inducing aspect of being a panel moderator. To me, the essence is point #1: be prepared. Once you’re very familiar with the core structure, overall message, and panelists' expertise and backgrounds, then you’ll have enough confidence and agility to shift things around as the discussion progresses.

4. Active Listening - To be a good moderator, we need to be more than just the “guy in between questions” who waits for the previous panelist to finish their points before moving to the next. A great moderator is able to relate the discussion points being raised, string the points together, make good callbacks and references, and form a cohesive message from what was discussed. And the only way we can achieve this is through Listening. Listen attentively, look out for interesting little threads that you can pick out, complement, magnify and relate, or seek clarification. 

And if you can’t find anything interesting? Just move on to the next question in the script!

5. Add levity and humor - Look at the title. Process Safety and Cyber Security: Convergence towards Asset Protection. Sounds dry, right? With very technical subjects like this, especially for a session lasting over 1 hour long, there’s always a risk of the discussion dragging on, and losing people’s interest. So, I always look for ways to interject some light-hearted banter and remarks to keep things engaging, exciting and add a degree of unpredictability, for that good ol’ dose of dopamine. 

6. Complement, don’t dominate - It’s always important to keep in mind, that the key is to make the panelists the star of the show, not the moderator. The real input should come from the experts - our primary role is to help retain audience attention by keeping the discussion alive and engaging. I’ve witnessed some forums where the moderator steals the show - and while that may sometimes look impressive, it is also a bit frustrating, when that dominance overshadows the panel of experts and sucks away their time & opportunity to share knowledge. 

Hope that helps!

What do you think? Any other ideas and strategies for effective discussion facilitation I should know of? Do share! 

When kids point out our mistakes: How do we respond? Tatkala ditegur anak2 #ParentingThoughts

 

“Abah, you forgot to put on your seatbelt!” 

“Hey, Ibu, you hurt me!”

“Abah, you didn’t wash your hands!”

“Hey Abah, you did it wrong! That’s not right”

“Abah, I heard you said (insert forbidden word here)!”

Kids just love to prove us wrong. They love hunting for our mistakes, scouting for errors, and critiquing our actions. Sometimes it can feel like they are these annoying little hunters, waiting for the opportune moment to pounce and ambush us. 

Why do they do this? Perhaps there is something inherently satisfying and empowering about being able to prove our parents wrong. Gotta admit, I used to have that attitude with my own parents too. Hey, it takes a thief to catch a thief, right? 😆 

What is our response - as parents - when they point out our mistakes? 

Typically, our immediate knee-jerk reaction in the moment, would either deny them, shoot them down, deflect blame back at them, become defensive, or get aggressive (or a mix of the above):

“yes, I know, OK!”; “I’m your father, I know better than you! What do you know?!”

“no I didn’t!”; 

“hek elehh… habis tu engkau tu?!”, “hey YOU also do that!”, 

“hey, it wasn’t my fault: YOU got in my way!”

Sound familiar? 

Is this the BEST way to handle these situations, though?

What we should remember is, every parental interaction is an opportunity to teach and educate. How we respond - when they point out our mistakes - is actually teaching THEM how THEY should respond if they receive those kind remarks from others in the outside world: at school, at university, and eventually their workplace. In fact, more directly, it teaches them how they would respond when WE point out THEIR mistakes! 

Situations like these open up opportunities for us to teach them: what is the correct attitude to receiving feedback, advice, reminders, or warnings. We teach them how to regulate our emotions, how to control our ego, and how to take these moments as learning opportunities to improve. 

And if we fail to demonstrate a good example in ourselves, how can we expect them to learn? Where else can they pick up good examples to learn from mistakes, if it’s not from us?  

Those kneejerk emo reactions aren’t very helpful besides feeding our ego just for the sake of winning arguments. Our children will get confused, as they receive mixed messages about whether something is right or wrong, especialy if our actions don’t quite match up to our words. Eventually, they will learn that “there’s no point to pointing out their mistakes. Just keep shut up, keep quiet, keep to myself to save myself the stress of my father’s backlash”. They will no longer feel motivated to give feedback or have the desire to improve others. Malas lah nak tegur, asyik kena sound. 

But beyond that, it subconsciously leaves a destructive legacy in our wake: If we become unnecessarily defensive, aggressive, egoistic, and be in denial, then that’s exactly what they will emulate when they go to school or the workplace.

So, what is the best thing to do when they point out our flaws or mistakes?

From what I’ve learnt, these are the best ways to respond:

1. Listen intently 👂🏼

2. Thank them 🤝🏼

3. Acknowledge our mistakes ✅

4. Acknowledge their efforts, and validate them if they were correct 🎁 (Few things are more enjoyable to a child than to hear the words “you’re right!” from the parent!)

5. Apologize and validate their emotions, if we need to 🙏🏼

6. Use the appropriate tone & emotions 💞 - Keep a friendly and welcoming tone when your mistakes are corrected, and sound genuinely remorseful if you accidentally hurt them or their feelings

In practice, it’s usually quite simple. Usually a 5-second phrase is all it takes:

💡 “Oh yeah, you’re right! Thanks, Muawyiah!” (while smiling in optimism)

💡 “Ohhh sorry my bag accidentally hit your face! Abah didn’t notice that” (squat down and assess the damage)

Not only does this immediately defuse the tension, but it teaches them to have a positive and receptive learning attitude. By acknowledging your mistakes and demonstrating to them that you are human, too and that you too make mistakes, you become more relatable and someone easier to emulate and immitate, rather than an imposing figure of authority who’s just barking instructions. 

Do this enough times, and it also helps them build their self-confidence and self-esteem in the long run, as we allow them to rectify our actions. Human beings have a need be heard and have our correctness validated. When their criticism is approved, they feel a sense of growth. And hopefully, inspire them too with the growth mindset - that we, too, are learning as adults. We don’t have all the answers!

Responding this way is easier said than done, of course. It can be a bit difficult in particularly stressful situations when you’re convinced that you’re right. But what I learnt was, this acknowledgement approach is practically the quickest way to de-escalate a situation, and move on. It’s a quick burst of intense sabr, followed by a very positive aftermath.

What I’ve also learnt is that this is a huge bonus in the long game of parenting: when you generously give in and let them win these little battles, they become less selfish and are more likely to give in, when you need them to: It eventually sets you up to win more battles later, as they will gladly concede their opinions!

But above all: You encourage them to keep up this attitude, because we want them to learn that it’s beneficial for others in society. 

As parents, as leaders, WE need to set the tone to shape this attitude to be a healthy, functional member of society, with long-term goals in mind. To shape them to become active members of community who steps up with the courage and ownership to encourage others to perform good (amr bil ma’ruf), and warn others from evil and crime (nahi anil munkar), in order to inculcate in them the characteristics of the best nation, as described by Allah: 

كُنتُمْ خَيْرَ أُمَّةٍ أُخْرِجَتْ لِلنَّاسِ تَأْمُرُونَ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ وَتَنْهَوْنَ عَنِ ٱلْمُنكَرِ وَتُؤْمِنُونَ بِٱللَّهِ 

“You are the best of nations that was brought forth for mankind, as you command towards the good, and forbid others from evil, and you have iman in Allah” (Surah Ali Imran, 3:110)

This is the essence of supplication that we are encouraged to make - to lead the righteous: 

يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍۢ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

“Oh our Lord, grant from our wives and offspring those who will be coolness of our eyes, and MAKE US A LEADER of the Righteous ones!” (Surah Al-Furqan 25:74)

Little things like these can go a long way. May Allah make us amongst those who humbly accept contrstructive feedback & positively Terima “teguran” anak2 😄