“Abah, you forgot to put on your seatbelt!”
“Hey, Ibu, you hurt me!”
“Abah, you didn’t wash your hands!”
“Hey Abah, you did it wrong! That’s not right”
“Abah, I heard you said (insert forbidden word here)!”
Kids just love to prove us wrong. They love hunting for our mistakes, scouting for errors, and critiquing our actions. Sometimes it can feel like they are these annoying little hunters, waiting for the opportune moment to pounce and ambush us.
Why do they do this? Perhaps there is something inherently satisfying and empowering about being able to prove our parents wrong. Gotta admit, I used to have that attitude with my own parents too. Hey, it takes a thief to catch a thief, right? 😆
What is our response - as parents - when they point out our mistakes?
Typically, our immediate knee-jerk reaction in the moment, would either deny them, shoot them down, deflect blame back at them, become defensive, or get aggressive (or a mix of the above):
“yes, I know, OK!”; “I’m your father, I know better than you! What do you know?!”
“no I didn’t!”;
“hek elehh… habis tu engkau tu?!”, “hey YOU also do that!”,
“hey, it wasn’t my fault: YOU got in my way!”
Sound familiar?
Is this the BEST way to handle these situations, though?
What we should remember is, every parental interaction is an opportunity to teach and educate. How we respond - when they point out our mistakes - is actually teaching THEM how THEY should respond if they receive those kind remarks from others in the outside world: at school, at university, and eventually their workplace. In fact, more directly, it teaches them how they would respond when WE point out THEIR mistakes!
Situations like these open up opportunities for us to teach them: what is the correct attitude to receiving feedback, advice, reminders, or warnings. We teach them how to regulate our emotions, how to control our ego, and how to take these moments as learning opportunities to improve.
And if we fail to demonstrate a good example in ourselves, how can we expect them to learn? Where else can they pick up good examples to learn from mistakes, if it’s not from us?
Those kneejerk emo reactions aren’t very helpful besides feeding our ego just for the sake of winning arguments. Our children will get confused, as they receive mixed messages about whether something is right or wrong, especialy if our actions don’t quite match up to our words. Eventually, they will learn that “there’s no point to pointing out their mistakes. Just keep shut up, keep quiet, keep to myself to save myself the stress of my father’s backlash”. They will no longer feel motivated to give feedback or have the desire to improve others. Malas lah nak tegur, asyik kena sound.
But beyond that, it subconsciously leaves a destructive legacy in our wake: If we become unnecessarily defensive, aggressive, egoistic, and be in denial, then that’s exactly what they will emulate when they go to school or the workplace.
So, what is the best thing to do when they point out our flaws or mistakes?
From what I’ve learnt, these are the best ways to respond:
1. Listen intently 👂🏼
2. Thank them 🤝🏼
3. Acknowledge our mistakes ✅
4. Acknowledge their efforts, and validate them if they were correct 🎁 (Few things are more enjoyable to a child than to hear the words “you’re right!” from the parent!)
5. Apologize and validate their emotions, if we need to 🙏🏼
6. Use the appropriate tone & emotions 💞 - Keep a friendly and welcoming tone when your mistakes are corrected, and sound genuinely remorseful if you accidentally hurt them or their feelings
In practice, it’s usually quite simple. Usually a 5-second phrase is all it takes:
💡 “Oh yeah, you’re right! Thanks, Muawyiah!” (while smiling in optimism)
💡 “Ohhh sorry my bag accidentally hit your face! Abah didn’t notice that” (squat down and assess the damage)
Not only does this immediately defuse the tension, but it teaches them to have a positive and receptive learning attitude. By acknowledging your mistakes and demonstrating to them that you are human, too and that you too make mistakes, you become more relatable and someone easier to emulate and immitate, rather than an imposing figure of authority who’s just barking instructions.
Do this enough times, and it also helps them build their self-confidence and self-esteem in the long run, as we allow them to rectify our actions. Human beings have a need be heard and have our correctness validated. When their criticism is approved, they feel a sense of growth. And hopefully, inspire them too with the growth mindset - that we, too, are learning as adults. We don’t have all the answers!
Responding this way is easier said than done, of course. It can be a bit difficult in particularly stressful situations when you’re convinced that you’re right. But what I learnt was, this acknowledgement approach is practically the quickest way to de-escalate a situation, and move on. It’s a quick burst of intense sabr, followed by a very positive aftermath.
What I’ve also learnt is that this is a huge bonus in the long game of parenting: when you generously give in and let them win these little battles, they become less selfish and are more likely to give in, when you need them to: It eventually sets you up to win more battles later, as they will gladly concede their opinions!
But above all: You encourage them to keep up this attitude, because we want them to learn that it’s beneficial for others in society.
As parents, as leaders, WE need to set the tone to shape this attitude to be a healthy, functional member of society, with long-term goals in mind. To shape them to become active members of community who steps up with the courage and ownership to encourage others to perform good (amr bil ma’ruf), and warn others from evil and crime (nahi anil munkar), in order to inculcate in them the characteristics of the best nation, as described by Allah:
كُنتُمْ خَيْرَ أُمَّةٍ أُخْرِجَتْ لِلنَّاسِ تَأْمُرُونَ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ وَتَنْهَوْنَ عَنِ ٱلْمُنكَرِ وَتُؤْمِنُونَ بِٱللَّهِ
“You are the best of nations that was brought forth for mankind, as you command towards the good, and forbid others from evil, and you have iman in Allah” (Surah Ali Imran, 3:110)
This is the essence of supplication that we are encouraged to make - to lead the righteous:
يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍۢ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
“Oh our Lord, grant from our wives and offspring those who will be coolness of our eyes, and MAKE US A LEADER of the Righteous ones!” (Surah Al-Furqan 25:74)
Little things like these can go a long way. May Allah make us amongst those who humbly accept contrstructive feedback & positively Terima “teguran” anak2 😄
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