Merciful Parenting

In my recent Miri – KL flight, I sat on the same row with a Dutch family: mom, dad, a 2-year old daughter, and a 4-year old son (well ok, turning 4 ‘tomorrow’).

It was a delightful observation seeing how these parents interact with their children. Firstly, I noticed they would give full-time attention to their children – they would talk to them like adults, they would converse, ask questions. Even when their children played games on the iPad, they would interact and pretend to “learn how to play” the game from the kids.

But at no point in time, did the parents just ignore the kids and do their ‘own thing’: play the iPad, fiddle with their smartphones, read the newspaper, talk about politics, etc.. nope. Full time attention. They were all like best friends on a ride.

And they – especially the mother – would constantly smile, say positive things of encouragement to them all the time – I never heard them rebuke or scold them.

Whenever the children threw a tantrum or started to misbehave; depending on the level of seriousness, the parents will either (1) stare at the child and reason/negotiate with them, or (2) stop smiling and just ignore them. Because the kids are not used to their mommy not smiling, this will drive them nuts, and eventually they will ‘pujuk’/negotiate to restore the status back to normal.

But the parents never raised their voice, say negative things, or flare up against the kid. Sure, the tantrums would sometimes be annoying to people and it does take a while to cool down, but it eventually got the job done.

And when 4-year old Tim introduced himself to me, surprisingly, it wasn’t me who initiated the conversation.

And when I studied in Australia, I recalled many parents adopting this style.

Us Asians are so used to scolding the kids, constantly telling them “don’t do this”, negative expressions (e.g. “I don’t know what to do with you”), so used to doing our own thing and ignoring the little ones, only giving them gadgets so they just run off and leave us in peace.

And when they become teens they alienate themselves because we didn’t invest the effort to be their best friends, in their important years..?

Ajeeb.. We say “Buangkan yang keruh, ambil yang jernih” (Leave off the bad aspects, and take the good aspects of other cultures), yet how surprising it is, that we emulate ‘Mat Salleh’ in our dressing, our slangs, our entertainment, our culture and superstititions, yet we don’t emulate them in upbringing of their children.

Granted, this was only a 2-hour plane ride, but it was an enlightening experience, observing the family. It gave a little snapshot on - perhaps - what would be the sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (sallAllahu alayhi wasallam) when it comes to parenting styles.

Take heed, ayuhal Muslimun! Raise our future leaders well!

Anas ibn Malik said, “I served the Prophet for ten years (i.e. since I was four years old until I was fourteen), and never once did said to me, "Uf" (a minor harsh word denoting impatience, raising his voice) and never did he blame me by saying, "Why did you do so or why didn't you do so?"

(Sahih Al-Bukhari, Book 73, Hadith 64)

The Prophet Muhammad said,

“Whoever is not merciful and compassionate towards the young among us, and does not recognize the honour of the elderly among us, he is not from us” (Narrated in Tirdmizi, Book 27 Hadith 2044, graded hasan)

A few desert Arabs once came to the Prophet and said: “Do you kiss your children?”

He said: “Yes.”

Thereupon they said: “By Allah but we do not kiss our children!”

Thereupon the Prophet said: “Then what can I do if Allah has deprived you (i.e. your heart) of mercy and compassion?”

(Sahih Muslim, Book 30, Hadith 5735)

In another narration, he responded

“Those who do not show compassion and mercy (to others), will not be shown compassion and mercy (by Allah)”

(Sahih Al-Bukhari, Book 73, Hadith 42)