Request Nicely, Don't Snatch

(old draft writeup in 2020 - reposted in 2024)

“Muawiyah, can you give Abah those Car Keys?”
“Thank you, Little Man!”

Extending the topic of “respect”, this is a little parenting tip which I’ve never heard or read anywhere else, so I thought I’d put it out there. When your little one starts grabbing or picking up things they are not supposed to (e.g. mobile phone, glass, spoonful of food, or in this case, car keys), don’t panic, don’t snatch, don’t scold, just keep composed ask them nicely to return it to us.

As parents we tend resort to the knee-jerk reaction of grabbing/snatching back the item from the baby, out of fear of danger or damage. But after giving it a lot of thought, I felt that if we do this repeatedly all the time, it starts subconsciously planting the idea that the child is prevented from feeding his/her curiosity and learning, perhaps even inadvertently grow up with the thoughts that their parents do not trust them to handle things with care, therefore damaging their self-esteem and sense of worth in the long run.

Rather, what we trained ourselves to do instead is to ask him back for it nicely. A typical script would be “Muawiyah, can you give that to Abah, please?” 

And once he gives it, we say a generous and cheerful “Thank you – you’re such a good boy!”.

Interestingly, in hindsight now that he is 2, we found that throughout his infant age we applied this practice, 95% of the time he gives it away without protest or second thoughts. The other 5% usually applies to things he has a serious curiosity or playful attachment to (which, most of the time, are harmless items such as his own toys).

This approach was a particularly “Eureka!” discovery for us, because aside from the momentary public interactions we have with other fellow parents, we have never really this method put into practice to infants this age. When Muawiyah could start physically gripping things about the age of 4 months old and when I first thought of this idea back then, I had no idea how effective it would be and how far it would work, given the baby’s underdeveloped communication skills at this age. I wondered, even if it did work, would it be a fluke? So we tried to practice this on a consistent basis.

Now, this takes a lot of repeated training and patience – sometimes it’s easier to snatch it away and remove the hazard altogether, immediately and just save ourselves the potential heart attack. And indeed, in the beginning it was met with mixed results, prompting us to think that perhaps it “might not work”. But here is where I need to remind myself: don't chicken out. Let’s double down on this and be patient. Parenting is about the “Long Game” here. Not quick wins and easy solutions.

Always consider restraining ourselves and taking the short term risk: sure, there may be times when some items might be damaged, but there is greater benefit in shaping their personality by reinforcing their self-esteem and showing, by our actions, our trust in them to do the right thing.

Are there exceptions to the rule? Definitely! Indeed, in situations where it involves clear imminent harm or serious hygiene issues, then a hard “no” is unavoidable: you can’t just sit and watch if the child starts swinging a knife. In public places or other people's homes, a potential broken glass would definitely prompt more seriousness! So this is where another consideration is to be very mindful not to allow dangerous/harmful objects to be within reach of the infant in the first place, so you don’t end up having exposed yourself to the dilemma. As a default, let the ‘snatching intervention’ be the exception, not the rule, and make a clear distinction in our reaction with the intention of educating them where you “draw the line” on what is non-negotiable or unacceptable. At the age of 1+ year, they won’t be able to discern right and wrong, or even “why” should one do the right thing in the first place. Rather, what they can pick up is our emotions and our reactions towards them.

Speaking of emotions, the cheerful “Thank you” at the end is one of the key components of this approach to “seal the deal”, as a means of positive reinforcement, PLUS also to inculcate the spirit of sharing and giving to others. One particularly interesting observation of our Muawiyah was that even at the young age of 6 months, saying “Thank you” will induce a big smile on his face (unfortunately, the smile reaction gradually went away as he grew up). This eventually developed into the habit of wanting to feed and share with us his food, which we entertain too.

Allahumma barik.

#frominfanttolittleman  #raisingMuawiyah
#parentingreflections #sunnah #respect

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