Who You Truly Are: How you treat the people closest to you

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, 

“The best of you is the best to his family; and I am the best of you” (At-Tirmidzi)

It’s one thing to have a good character at the masjid, or at the workplace. Because people only interact with you for a limited duration or a limited window. 

But how you spend your time in your private moments - in the comfort of your own homes - now this reveals who you TRULY are. 

There is a very famous story about Umar bin Al-Khattab who wanted to appoint someone as a governor, and was asking, who can vouch for him?

A man stood up and said, “I will vouch for him, O' Ameer al-Mu 'mineen!” 

Umar asked, "Are you his neighbor?" He said, "No." He than" asked, 

"Did you mix with him for a day and come to know his character?" He said, "No." He asked next: 

"Did you travel with him, for traveling and being away from home reveal a man's true character?" He said, "No." 

Umar said: “So have you had (monetary) dealings with him involving dirhams and deenars, which will indicate his piety?”

The man said: ‘No.’

'Umar said, "Perhaps you just saw him in the-mosque, standing, sitting and praying?" He said, "Yes." 

Umar said: “Then you do not know him. Go away.”

Then he said to the man (who bore witness): “Bring me someone who knows you.” (Reported by Al-Bayhaqi)

Umar shows a very deep wisdom here. Don’t judge a man by what you see at the masjid. In fact, even a person you meet at the workplace is a limited interaction and a small snapshot of a person’s true character. It’s only when you travelled with someone, had business transactions with him, you live beside him as a neighbor, you really mix with him throughout the day, when you go through hardships and observe them in their private moments and how they spend their time, only then you can see aspects of their true character. 

But your role as a FAMILY MAN, especially in marriage – wherein we spend our most private lives and in fact the majority of our lives “behind closed doors” – has an even greater effect to expose your true self.

The true litmus test of any truly good person is when that person’s private persona is far better than what perceive on the surface in public.

With this in mind, there are two major hadith that really reinforce this for me: 

1. Hadith of Anas – Ten years serving the prophet, as a child.

2. Hadith by Ummu Salamah: the death of Abu Salamah

#1: Hadith of Anas

Anas ibn Malik narrated: I served the Prophet (ﷺ) in Madinah for ten years. I was a little boy. Every task assigned to me in which I did not fulfill accordingly, NEVER ONCE did he say to me any harsh words, nor did question me: “Why did you do this? or Why did you not do this?” (Abu Daud)

 

When I first came across this hadith, I always wondered to myself:

“Wow. Is this humanly achievable? Anas was only four years old – a toddler – when he first served the Prophet ﷺ fulltime. Observing my 3-year old son, and knowing how naughty I was as a boy, and I just couldn’t brain the idea: How on Earth can we raise children with discipline and compassion  – especially from the chaotic toddler age – without scolding them or spoiling them?”

But this really shows us the character of the Prophet. He was the BUSIEST person on the planet. You think your life is stressed, and you’re using that as an excuse to lash out at your children, well then how stressful do you think the Prophet’s life is? Dealing with hypocrites who are causing divisions amongst his followers, with the Quraysh invading him, with the Jews who could betray him at any time, all of this on top of his responsibility of leading an entire nation, to educate them about the final revelation as the last prophet of mankind. 

You think your job is tough, it’s NOTHING compared the Prophet. 

And yet Anas never got scolded by him. For TEN YEARS. How long can YOU GO without scolding your children? 1 week? 1 month? 

This really shows a compassionate and patient side of the Prophet; a side of him that us parents should

#2: Hadith by Ummu Salamah – the death of Abu Salamah

When she received news of the death of Abu Salamah, her husband, Ummu Salamah was instructed by the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ to say :

إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ اللَّهُمَّ أْجُرْنِي فِي مُصِيبَتِي وَأَخْلِفْ لِي خَيْرًا مِنْهَا

“Verily, to Allah we belong, and to Allah (Alone) we shall return –

Oh Allah, reward me for (being patient) in my calamity, and compensate/replace me with something better than it (what I have lost)”

 

Upon hearing this reaction, Ummu Salamah started to question: “and who is there amongst the Muslims who is better than Abu Salamah – whose household is amongst the first to emigrate to the Messenger of Allah ﷺ?

So (upon making the du’aa), Allah had replaced him with Rasulullah – the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ himself – as my husband. So Allah gave me better in exchange than him (Abu Salamah)” (Muslim)

 

I want to bring to our attention the Legendary response of Ummu Salamah : “And who is better than Abu Salamah?!”

She was convinced that her husband was the best husband ever – and despite being taught the du’aa by the Prophet himself, she started questioning in her mind: is there any way that someone can be better than Abu Salamah?

This person – Abu Salamah (radhiAllahu anhu) – is a true legend. 

My dear brothers, fellow husbands: If we were to die, would your wife perhaps think the same? Or perhaps they would think “FINALLY!”, “freedom!” or that “anyone is better than that guy!”?

The Prophet ﷺ said,

أَكْمَلُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ إِيمَانًا أَحْسَنُهُمْ خُلُقًا وَخِيَارُكُمْ خِيَارُكُمْ لِنِسَائِهِمْ خُلُقًا

“The most perfect of believers are those who are best in their character – and the best of you are those who are best in character to their wives” (At-Tirmizi, ibn Majah)

Your wives represent those who are closest to you: who know you most intimately in your most private moments; in comparison to your colleagues, friends or even other family members who mostly know you in very limited contexts and environments. They have witnessed and thus know your true colors in situations of stress, anger, deprivation, exhaustion, and so much more. 

For a wife to be convinced that, in spite of knowing the true sides of that person, she still thinks highly of her husband, tells you something really substantial about that person – that there are sides to that person which are better than what you see on the surface, and that is the mark of a genuinely good person. A true man. Legend. The Man.

Remember: how you treat the people closest to you, is the true showcase of who you truly are as a person. The best of you are best towards his family.