“Hi, Little Sis” - managing our firstborns as they confront their insecurities and face an existential crisis with a new younger sibling

 

"Muawiyah must be excited to be a big bro!"

Well, kinda 😅. 

During one of ibu's antenatal checkups a couple of months back, we brought our 4-year old Muawiyah with us.In the midst of the scanning and consultation, Muawiyah displayed tantrums, unexplained agitated behaviors, and just generally clingy behavior.

Observing this, the Doctor told us, “yup. This tantrum is expected. In fact, its only going to get worse. The closer you get to the birth date, he'll throw even more tantrums and get even MORE clingy.”

I am actually very grateful for giving that short heads up foreshadowing the “bad news” coming up ahead. It allows us to brace for impact and prepare ourselves for the incoming challenges, as Jim Collins calls it in his best-selling book "Good to Great", this is what the Good-to-Great characteristic of "Confront the Brutal Facts" is all about.

As second-time parents, we will face the unique challenge where our firstborn will face an existential crisis. As he sees mummy’s tummy growing, scans of a younger sibling, changes of furniture at home, disappearing for a prolonged duration at the hospital, and eventually receiving a new younger sibling at home, slowly, these questions began popping up in his head:

🥺 Are they going to start shifting all that love and attention - all of which was previously 100% mine - to this new person? Who's going to keep me company? Will I even matter?
🤔 Why are people coming in just to see my younger sis? What’s the big deal?
😥 Why is Ibu suddenly so tired and less responsive to my requests to play or read books? Is it because of this little fella!? Is she the reason why my mum is always so tired and in pain?

As “ridiculous” as these thoughts might seem to us grown ups, I feel that as a parent, we shouldn’t belittle or scoff away their feelings of insecurity, or simply expect them to be mature enough to understand (especially if they are still toddlers). Our job is to empathize with what our children are going through, put ourselves in their shoes, and to give them the assurance, through our words and our actions, that we still love and respect them, and that wasn’t going to change with a new addition.

It's important that when we receive our “bundle of joy”, we don't neglect or discard the previous bundle! Because unlike how the phrase goes, this isn't a “bundle” - these are human beings with emotions. Human beings that we hope will be our future leader, and an embodiment of a legacy of righteous deeds after we depart from this world.

Immediately when we returned from the hospital, the next morning, his ibu spent time reading books with him and has been doing that every day. I arranged play dates with him, occasional surprise gifts, and go out to spend quality time together.

As expected, big brother has mixed feelings about his younger sis, and his behaviours do find some strange extremes ever since his sister’s arrival - from being demanding, to unreasonably saying “no” to all our instructions, to being overly protective of his sister, not allowing anyone to touch or even see her. All of which are embodiment of seeking some degree of control over this ‘helpless’ situation.

Instead of viewing them as “competition”, or being perceived as a threat to his sister - which can build momentum to stimulate sibling rivalry down the line - we wanted to make sure we try our best to create an inclusive environment, to train and raise him in such a way that he would JOIN us in welcoming and nurturing our newest family member. As much as possible, we try to encourage him to greet her, stroke her gently, and hold her if he wants, and refrain ourselves from just imposing him with restrictions and “don’ts” all the time (easier said than done!).

All this to make sure we also create the best experience that we can for the mother, as she cares for the little one, and heals from the birth.

With all that being said, these are my thoughts of what paternity leave is about: To utilize this time to step up as a father, upping our stakeholder management as we start off and continue driving the family relationships on the right foot.

Like the whole experience of parenting, it’s an ongoing process - but it’s about embracing the journey and making the best out of these moments. May Allah make our family members the coolness of our eyes and unite us in Jannatul Firdaus

The Prophet ﷺ said,

خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِي
“The best of you are the best towards his family, and I am the best of you towards his family” (Ibn Majah)