Birds of a Feather Flock Together: A Lesson from Surah Al-Kahf

 

The first story from the Surah Al-Kahf (in ayat 9 to 25) narrates about a group of young men who chose to disassociate themselves from the idol-worshipping practices of their people. 

But here’s the interesting part: they didn’t know each other. They were not friends prior to that. It was their principles that brought them together.

As ibn Kathir points out in his Tafsir: 

“None of them knew the others, but they were brought together by the One Who instilled faith in their hearts..

When the people went out to attend this gathering, these young men went out with their fathers and their people, and when they saw their people's actions with clear insight, they realized that the prostrations and sacrifices the people were offering to their idols should only be dedicated to Allah, Who created the heavens and the earth. 

Each of them started to withdraw from his people and keep aloof from them. The first one of them to move away on his own went and sat in the shade of a tree, then another came and sat with him, then another came and sat with them, then four more followed suit one by one.” (End quote)

They were brought together and united by a common cause. This is as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said,

الأَرْوَاحُ جُنُودٌ مُجَنَّدَةٌ فَمَا تَعَارَفَ مِنْهَا ائْتَلَفَ وَمَا تَنَاكَرَ مِنْهَا اخْتَلَفَ

“Souls are like recruited soldiers. Those that recognize one another will come together, 

and those that do not recognize one another will turn away from each other” (Muslim)

Once they found their peer group, they stuck together and sought refuge in the cave where they found strength in each other to adhere to their principles and collaborate in righteousness, free from the oppression of their people. 

An important life lesson for us to actively seek out communities who serve our greater purpose. 

And chuck away those who don't. 

#YouAreTheSumofYourBestFriends #Peers #LessonsFromAlKahf #SurahAlKahf #Friday

#TheBarakahEffect 

You are the Sum of your Best Friends

 

The Terman study followed over a thousand people from youth until death. Here’s what the researchers had to say about whom to hang out with: 

“The groups you associate with often determine the type of person you become. For people who want improved health, association with other healthy people is usually the strongest and most direct path of change.”

In his book, “The Power of Habit”, Charles Duhigg references a 1994 Harvard study of other people who had dramatically changed their lives. Often their secret wasn’t momentous upheaval. It was just joining a group that consisted of the type of people they wanted to become.

So choose these groups wisely. 

(Excerpt from “Barking Up The Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success is [Mostly] Wrong” by Eric Baker)

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

الرَّجُلُ عَلَى دِينِ خَلِيلِهِ فَلْيَنْظُرْ أَحَدُكُمْ مَنْ يُخَالِلُ

“A man follows the religion of his close friend; so let everyone be mindful of whom he takes as his close friend.” (Abu Daud, At-Tirmidzi)

مَثَلُ الْجَلِيسِ الصَّالِحِ وَالْجَلِيسِ السَّوْءِ كَمَثَلِ صَاحِبِ الْمِسْكِ، وَكِيرِ الْحَدَّادِ، لاَ يَعْدَمُكَ مِنْ صَاحِبِ الْمِسْكِ إِمَّا تَشْتَرِيهِ، أَوْ تَجِدُ رِيحَهُ، وَكِيرُ الْحَدَّادِ يُحْرِقُ بَدَنَكَ أَوْ ثَوْبَكَ أَوْ تَجِدُ مِنْهُ رِيحًا خَبِيثَةً

"The example of a good companion (who sits with you) in comparison with a bad one, is like that of the seller of perfume and the blacksmith; 

From the first (seller of perfume) you would either buy musk or enjoy its good smell (by simply being in his company); 

while (hanging out with) the blacksmith would either burn your clothes or your house, or you get a bad nasty smell from being in his company." (Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

The "Sorry" habit in online meetings

I don’t get it… Why do we keep saying “sorry” when we unmute our Mic and speak up during online meetings – even if we are positively contributing? It’s not like it’s a crime to speak 🙊

Funny thing is, this “sorry” habit is infectious – when people keep saying this, I find myself also saying “sorry” when I unmute (while being confused at this unnecessary gesture 😂)

Maybe it’s because we feel guilty at interrupting people’s speech. What I find strange, though, is that we don’t even apologize if we speak up in face to face meetings. 

In fact, we’re quite happy to interrupt others in face to face meetings. 

Must be an online thing. Perhaps we feel we are interrupting someone’s podcast 🎤.

Anyone have a better explanation for this bizarre phenomenon?

Abu Mihjan Ath-Thaqafi: The Inspiring Story of the Companion who struggled with alcoholism

Abu Mihjan was one of the companions of the Prophet ﷺ (radhiAllahu anhum), who was suffering from an addiction to drinking wine. He was brought and flogged, then brought and flogged again, but he did not allow this problem to relieve him of his duty to strive for the cause of Islam. 

During the caliphate of Umar, in the Battle of al-Qaadisiyyah against the Persians, Abu Mihjan sought to participate as a soldier, seeking martyrdom (syahadah) on the battlefield. In al-Qaadisiyyah he was brought to the commander of the army, Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqas, for having drunk wine. However, Sa’d detained him so that the Muslims ranks would be purified from the presence of such a person.  

This detention was a harsh punishment which caused Abu Mihjan a great deal of anguish. When he heard the sounds of swords and spears, and the neighing of the horses, and he knew that the fighting had commenced, and the gates of Paradise were open, he was filled with longing for martyrdom.  

He called to the wife of Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqas saying, “Let me go and I promise Allah that if I come back safe and sound, I will put my own feet in the chains, and if I am killed, then you will get rid of me!” 

She felt sorry for him, so she released him to participate in the battle, and he leapt onto a horse belonging to Sa’d which was called al-Balqa’. Then he picked up a spear and set off (covering himself so that he would not be recognized). 

In the battlefield, he did not attack any group of enemy soldier, except that he obliterated them. As the general of the war, Sa’d, who was observing and supervising the battle, was surprised and remarked, “This is the running of al-Balqa’ (my horse), and the style of attack is that of Abu Mihjan, but Abu Mihjan is in chains.”  

When the battle was over, Abu Mihjan went back and put his feet in the chains. The wife of Sa’d told him this wonderful story, so Sa’d admired this man and his care for Islam and his longing for fighting in the cause of Allah, so he himself went to Abu Mihjan, released the chains with his own hands and said, 

“Get up, for by Allah I will never flog you for drinking wine again.” 

Abu Mihjan said, “By Allah, I will never drink it again.” 

(Extracted from IslamQA “The story of Abu Mihjan”: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/26273/the-story-of-abu-mihjan-may-allaah-be-pleased-with-him

See al-Isaabah fi Tamyeez al-Sahaabah, 4/173-174; al-Bidaayah wa’l-Nihaayah, 9/632-633)

Here are ten amazing lessons we can derive from this story

1. Our sins hold us back from realizing our true potential

Abu Mihjan was a beast in battle. This was the talent that Allah blessed him with to add value to the nation. Yet, because of his sinful habit of drinking, he was withheld from allowing his full potential to be unleashed. 

Allah has granted all of us with unique talents, skills, and abilities. We just have to seek it, nurture it, and put it to good use for the sake of Allah. Yet, we must be careful: it could be that, because of our sins – some of which we may consider ‘irrelevant’ – it holds us back from unleashing our true potential. All of that talent and potential could be rendered meaningless due to our stubbornness to repent and change. 

2. Recognizing talent in other (even if they are sinners) 

When Saad bin Abi Waqqas saw this man fight in battle, he immediately recognized that it was Abu Mihjan’s signature fighting style. As the general, Sa’ad knew and recognized the potential in this great man, and he knew that this guy can definitely tip the scales in the favor of his army were he to be present. But he held Abu Mihjan back in chains as a matter of principle, nothing personal. 

Leaders and bosses need to recognize the specific talents of their subordinates and team members, even if they may have ‘other’ traits which may appear to be unfavorable or unlikeable. And at the same time, when it’s a matter of principle, there are lines that you just cannot cross and have to be dealt with accordingly – for example, a person who violated company Codes of Conduct have to be treated accordingly, no matter how much of a “high flyer” that person might be.  

3. Owning up to our shortcomings

Abu Mihjan knew that it was his drinking habit that held him back, and so he made a deal with the wife of Sa’ad, to put him back in chains if he were to return, because he knew he deserved it, and it was nothing personal. 

If we have certain shortcomings in ourselves, especially if we hear of it from constructive criticism, just own up to it, accept the consequences, and try our level best to rectify it. No need to get defensive, get personal, or launch a counter-attack.

The first step to rectifying a problem is to recognize it exists in the first place.

4. Struggles in Kicking the habit: the path to repentance

The Battle of Qadisiyyah happened in the 14th year of Hijrah. This was many years after the prohibition of khamar (alcohol) in Islamic legislation during the time of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ - and despite all these years knowing it is already Haram, Abu Mihjan still struggles to quit. He was still drinking by the time the Prophet passed away!

Before the coming of Islam, many of the companions of the Prophet ﷺ were themselves involved in alcohol, adultery, gambling, idol worship, and all sorts of other sinful deeds. And many of them, such as Umar, had the strength and conviction in iman to abandon them immediately when they embraced Islam. But for some, such as Abu Mihjan, it was a lot more difficult. But by the end of this battle, he managed to kick the habit. 

The lesson? 

#1: You CAN kick the habit. If you fail and fall back to your old ways, then stand up again. Keep trying. Fail again? No problem. Keep trying. As the Prophet ﷺ said, “Allah will not get tired until you get tired” (Al-Bukhari). 

#2: Every sinner has a future. Every righteous person has a past. 

Don’t be quick to look down upon person who is committing sins or place negative labels on them. Perhaps that individual is struggling to quit and is regretful of his/her actions. Yes, they are still accountable for their sins (such as the case of Abu Mihjan who was still punished, in spite of being recognized for his qualities), but perhaps they can change. We don’t know the outcome of their story yet. As long as they have a pulse, they still have a chance to repent. 

Every one of us has our own shortcomings, and there are no exceptions. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Every son of Adam continuously commits sins – and the best of sinners are those who repent” (ibn Majah).

5. Prevention is Better than Cure: Old Habits Die hard

As we previously mentioned, although many companions were successful at going “cold turkey” to abandon their old sinful habits, some, such as Abu Mihjan, faced a huge struggle to kick the habit: because it has become so ingrained. 

Just like any other sinful acts, such as smoking or pornography, quitting habits is hard. And the longer or deeper you have been involved in a bad habit, the more difficult it is to pull out: especially if it has settled in as an addiction. It might start off as “trying” something, and though it may feel uncomfortable at first, once you start getting that kick, deriving that pleasure from the deed, it becomes a slippery slope of escalation, from habit to addiction. 

Is it possible to quit, if you are deep into addiction? Sure. But it’s very difficult, and so many people fail. 

It is so much easier to refrain from ever starting in the first place, when you never felt the "pleasure" of the dirty deed or bad habits. 

We can also apply this rule in parenting and raising children, on how we limit what they are exposed to, especially in our screens. Control what you expose them to, particularly those which can potentially develop an unhealthy habit or addiction. Don’t give them a harder time to quit when they grow up!

6. Eagerness towards Righteous deeds

Despite struggling with alcoholism and being publicly known for that, Abu Mihjan did not feel shame, humiliated, depressed or sorry for himself. Where there was an opportunity to do righteous deeds, he rose to the occasion, and didn’t allow this public perception to deter him from righteous deeds. 

When we are guilty of sinning, shaitan plants seeds of despair and hopelessness to prevent us from doing good deeds, in the form of self-condemnation, so that our low self-esteem will paralyze us from taking action. 

“Oh bro, you’re such a terrible person for your sins, and now you want to give da’wah? You’re such a hypocrite!”

Don’t give in to his tricks! As mentioned earlier, every single one of us – even the best among us – are guilty of committing sins, some of which is only Known to Allah. Don’t let that hold us back from other good deeds! 

7. Honoring Commitments

One thing that stood out for me in the story was, when Abu Mihjan returned, he actually chained himself back, as per his commitment to the wife of Sa’ad who released him. 

He fought so courageously that he contributed to the victory of the army. He didn’t just “let himself get martyred”, if you know what I mean. He gave it 100%.

Despite his heroic exploits, he didn’t return home as a pompous champion or the “man of the match”. He went back and chained himself, staying true to his word. 

Lesson: Don’t get blinded by our achievements. Honour the commitments or the debts that we have made (e.g. Student loans)

8. What triggers change?

Despite the firm legislation of alcohol being haram, suffering the consequences of flogging and chaining, Abu Mihjan still couldn’t quit. Finally, when he went to the battlefield, was victorious, and returned, it was the remarks from Saad: “I will never flog you again”, that finally led to Abu Mihjan declaring, “I will never drink again”. 

When we want to help people to change – or kick their bad habits – perhaps our approach in the past has not been effective. Yet. Keep trying, and vary your methods and approach in accordance to your wisdom. You never know which one sticks. 

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got”

9. Role of the wife: the people behind the scenes

And who was responsible to trigger this sequence of events? The wife of Sa’ad. 

Let that thought sink in. 

This one goes for the wives, mothers, fathers, teachers, mentors, good companions, and all of the great people behind the scenes who played a part to shape who we are: your contributions matter. The people may not recognize your contributions, or even know your names, but Allah knows. And Allah will reward them full-time, even if they are not physically in the proverbial battlefield. 

The Prophet ﷺ said, "He who prepares a mujahid (fighter) for struggle/war in the Path of Allah, has in fact fought (i.e. is entitled to the same reward as the fighter)” (Al-Bukhari).

10. Power of repentance

For a huge portion of his life, Abu Mihjan was struggling with alcoholism. But because he repented, his life isn’t defined by that. 

Now, 1400 years later as we his story, it was not the story of “Abu Mihjan the alcoholic”, the narrative is of “Abu Mihjan, the Hero of the battle of Qadisiyyah, and the hero of his battle against alcohol”

Food for thought. So, what is the narrative that defines your life?

“Copy Paste Doa” vs “Berdoa”

Bila kita lihat orang berkongsi khabar berita di WhatsApp atau media sosial tentang kejadian yang disunnahkan untuk kita berdoa – seperti pengumuman orang meninggal, baru kahwin, atau baru dapat cahaya mata – pastikan kita benar-benar BERDOA kepada Allah secara lisan. 

Yang penting adalah kita ikhlas mohon kepada Allah, bukan sekadar copy paste atau tampal sticker semata-mata untuk memperlihatkan yang diri kita prihatin.  

Bahkan kalau nak ikutkan, kalau kita berdoa terus kepada Allah dengan sembunyi tanpa copy paste pun lagi bagus sebenarnya. Dari sudut praktikal, dalam group WhatsApp, kadangkala mesej asal dah tenggelam bila terlalu ramai copy paste. Sedar-sedar, tengok group wasap, kita pun heran… apahal semua dok “inna lillah” ni.. siapa yang meninggal sebenarnya? Bayangkan orang baru pulang setelah musafir atau balik dari offshore… beratus-ratus mesej nak baca.. habis tenggelam, matlamat tak tercapai. 

Dari sudut agama pula, berdoa secara sembunyi pula lebih baik kerana Nabi ﷺ bersabda: 

دَعْوَةُ الْمَرْءِ الْمُسْلِمِ لأَخِيهِ بِظَهْرِ الْغَيْبِ مُسْتَجَابَةٌ، عِنْدَ رَأْسِهِ مَلَكٌ مُوَكَّلٌ كُلَّمَا دَعَا لأَخِيهِ بِخَيْرٍ، قَالَ الْمَلَكُ الْمُوَكَّلُ بِهِ: آمِينَ وَلَكَ بِمِثْلٍ

“Doa seseorang muslim untuk saudaranya secara sembunyi (tanpa pengetahuannya) adalah mustajab. 

Di kepalanya (yang berdoa) terdapat malaikat yang diwakilkan kepadanya, setiap kali dia berdoa kepada saudaranya dengan kebaikan maka malaikat yang diwakilkan itu akan berkata: 

“Amin, dan bagi engkau seperti itu juga (sama seperti apa yang didoakan itu)”. (HR Muslim)

Imam An-Nawawi menulis dalam kitabnya, Al-Azkar, hal.16 :

ﺍﻋﻠﻢ ﺃﻥ ﺍﻷﺫﻛﺎﺭ ﺍﻟﻤﺸﺮﻭﻋﺔ ﻓﻲ ﺍﻟﺼﻼﺓ ﻭﻏﻴﺮﻫﺎ ﻭﺍﺟﺒﺔً ﻛﺎﻧﺖ ﺃﻭ ﻣﺴﺘﺤﺒﺔً ﻻ ﻳُﺤﺴﺐُ ﺷﻲﺀٌ ﻣﻨﻬﺎ ﻭﻻ ﻳُﻌﺘﺪّ ﺑﻪ ﺣﺘﻰ ﻳﺘﻠﻔَّﻆَ ﺑﻪ ﺑﺤﻴﺚُ ﻳُﺴﻤﻊ ﻧﻔﺴﻪ ﺇﺫﺍ ﻛﺎﻥ ﺻﺤﻴﺢ ﺍﻟﺴﻤﻊ ﻻ ﻋﺎﺭﺽ ﻟﻪ 

“Ketahuilah bahawa zikir yang disyariatkan dalam solat dan selainnya, baik yang wajib ataupun sunnah, TIDAK DIHITUNG dan tidak dikira, 

kecuali ianya diucapkan/dilafazkan dengan lisan sehingga ia dapat mendengar yang diucapkannya sendiri apabila pendengarannya sihat dan dalam keadaan normal (yakni, bukan dalam keadaan bising)”.

The Performance Appraisal writeup dilemma: As a Muslim, how do we balance between “showcasing our contributions” versus “showing off” (riyaa/kibr)?

 

A recent discussion that was triggered between a few group of friends: when it comes to year end performance: 

How do we do our writeups in such a way that we can clearly highlight our contributions, without coming off as self-centered, arrogant or just plain “showing off”? Where do we draw the line between humility and giving justice to our efforts?

There is a time and place for everything. As Muslims, it is in the DNA of our religion to be humble. Among many authentic hadith regarding this, one of them is one in which the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

إنَّ لِكُلِّ دينٍ خُلُقًا، وخُلُقُ الإسلامِ الحياءُ

“Verily, in every religion, there is a (primary) characteristic: and the characteristic of Islam is that of modesty/humility” (Narrated by Ibn Majah, Muwatta Malik)

And by default, this should be our demeanor. However, there are some contexts, where it is a necessity or a greater benefit to mention our qualities, such as employment and performance reviews. 

Consider the case of Prophet Yusuf (Joseph) alayhissalam, when he offered himself to the King be appointed as the Minister (Al-Aziz) when he said:

قَالَ اجْعَلْنِي عَلَىٰ خَزَائِنِ الْأَرْضِ ۖ إِنِّي حَفِيظٌ عَلِيمٌ

"Appoint me me over the storehouses of the land; Indeed, I am a knowledgeable guardian". (Surah Yusuf, 12:55)

In his request, Yusuf clearly mentioned his qualities to the king – hafidz (guardian), aleem (knowledgeable, competent for the job). Was Yusuf bragging or boasting?

As we know from the story of Yusuf, he was among the most humble and modest of people. But in this circumstance, he knew, from the King’s dream that there was impending crisis (a seven-year drought), and Egypt could end up in some dire consequences if its resources were managed in wrong hands. Since he knew he had what it takes, he showed the ownership to step up and offer himself to resolve the problem.

If he remained “humble” about his qualities/qualifications, the King may not recognize why Yusuf was worthy to handle such a job! It was a necessity to highlight his credentials to demonstrate that he was up to the task.

Think about it this way: can you imagine the value of a “humble” CV / resume? How attractive is that? Imagine, going on Linked In and stumbling across someone’s CV that says Educational Qualifications & work experience = “Nothing much lahh”.

So now, answering the question at hand. When it comes to performance reviews, we SHOULD highlight our contributions to our superior. In fact, don’t pull your punches or hold back!

 

One of the ways we can rethink this paradigm is to see it from the perspective of the employer/ your superiors: 

1. Imagine them asking this question: What did you do to earn that paycheck? Why should we keep you, if there are better people out there, especially under these tough conditions? What benefit does the organization gain with your presence?

2. They may not be aware of your contributions and what value you are adding. They have other subordinates – your colleagues – to evaluate, and as human beings we have limitations. They need your help to surface out what you have done. 

3. If you don’t highlight your contributions well, the organization might accidentally “reward” the ones who are not deserving of good performance ratings, which is also a form of injustice/oppression. Consider the bell curve distribution: the organization/department/team has a quota on the number of high/average/low performers. When the actual high performers go lower, the non-performers go up! Highlighting your contributions is, in fact, fulfilling your part of the equation when it comes to justice (al-adl) to ensure that everyone’s performance is objectively evaluated. 

But of course, it must be done within mindful limits: We still practice being “humble” in a sense that we do not do our performance writeup with arrogance, such as looking down on other colleagues, or in denying their contributions or collaborative efforts with us. Keep it honest, transparent and straight, without exaggerating, with clear justifications to back your claims. 

It is also worth reminding ourselves that we shouldn’t do a half-hearted submission just because “we won’t get bonus anyway”, due to our business’ financial performance this year due to COVID-19. Performance appraisal isn’t just about our personal compensation. On an organizational scale, it is about managing and optimizing its most important resources: its people. And at an individual capacity, it is about fulfilling our responsibilities with justice and excellence (adl and ihsaan), because that is our amanah with Allah. 

And when we’ve done our best, put our trust in Allah, knowing that whatever the outcome is for the best. 

  فَإِذَا عَزَمْتَ فَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّـهِ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّـهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُتَوَكِّلِينَ  

Then when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him). (Ali Imran 3:159)

All the best, everyone! BarakAllahu fikum

“Go ask your mum” – Dodgy parenting techniques

Any of you guilty of doing this? 

Child: “Abah, nak (insert unfavorable request here)?”

Dad: “Go ask Ibu”

It’s a sneaky little trick that many of us are guilty of. Resorting to this evasive “taichi” maneuver to when our children ask for something that we are reluctant to give: toys, ice cream, chocolate, smartphone, screen time, etcetera. (Dads do this a lot 😅) 

Why do we do this dodgy taichi stunt?

Parents typically resort to taichi to avoid the responsibility and consequences of making decisions, such as potentially face the wrath of our unhappy child when his request gets rejected. 

And see right there, that’s the fundamental problem: the intention is not in the child’s best interest, or to resolve the child’s problem. We do it to resolve OUR problem – of convenience. “Malas nak layan dia bising”. 

Crisis avoidance. But by doing so, we create more problems on the back end. 

When we deflect the decision-making responsibility to our spouse, who will probably say no, you are subconsciously planting a bias in your children’s minds. You see, the child might not recognize the dad (or the mum) is dodging responsibility; he simply thinks that the other parent IS the approving authority, and because of that, when that one parent keeps rejecting the requests, it subconsciously builds resentment against that parent who keeps rejecting. 

“Oh, mom is no fun”. “Abah is so restrictive”. 

And sometimes out of our guilt, in an attempt to “improve” the child’s opinion of us,  we overcompensate in ways which are unhealthy.

But it doesn’t stop there. Never underestimate your children’s intelligence. In fact, as parents we need to respect them for that, and incorporate that into our approach as part of our parenting wisdom. 

Haven’t you observed their persistence in learning how to walk? Sure, they fall down, they get annoyed, they will even burst out in frustration in a while – but they will keep trying. 

Children are smart and they will figure out loopholes. Even though they may be at an age where they can’t quite grasp the religious, moral, or health reasonings behind the prohibitions, they are intelligent enough to learn to overcome obstacles. Discover social “cheat codes” and hacks.. Bypass Red tapes to get what they want. 

Eventually, they start drawing patterns and figuring out which authority WILL easily grant his “unlikeable” requests instead – e.g. the grandparents, the other parent, or aunties. 

We indirectly train them to be lobbyists – politicking to get their way around. Not a good start.

The solution? Work as a team. 

As a family raising our children, especially as parents, we need to have a conscious, solid consistency in our approach working as a single unit. Whatever you decide that should be avoided or reduced, agree upon them and work together. 

If you are staying with your parents or extended families, have clearing conversations with them and get their cooperation and support to understand and empathize your conscious parenting choices, and why you decided them. Sure, they may disagree, but at least you understand and can take ownership of the risks and take the appropriate mitigation action. 

Finally: If the child comes up with an uneasy request, have the courage to own up to saying no. Teach your child the discipline to acknowledge non-negotiable boundaries, and to be firm and decisive upon what you have set. 

What are we teaching our children if we keep dodging responsibility? How will stick up to oppression and tyrants if we can’t even say “no” to our child? How will our children learn to stick up for themselves if their own parents don’t?

If you encounter genuinely difficult requests, just tell the child you need to discuss this further with mum; but as much as possible, try to make it an exception, not the rule, so you don’t indirectly teach your children to be indecisive all the time. Instead, what you want to teach them is that, firstly, you are deciding together as a team. 

Secondly, humility: as much as you are their parent, guardian, teacher and mentor, there are situations that you don’t have all the answers all the time. And there is no shame in that!

Abu Darda, the righteous companion of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, he used to say, “to admit that that ‘I do not know’ is half of knowledge.” [Jaami’ Bayaanil ‘Ilm Wa Fadhlih, 1/54]

Got any experience with dodgy taichi maneuvers? How did you overcome them? 

p/s My sincere apologies to taichi enthusiasts out there; I mean this term figuratively as a symbolic gesture of “passing the watermelon”, you know? Seriously, I got nothing against the taichi physical activity. In fact, I think it’s pretty awesome, to be honest. Another topic for another day. 

#CoolnessOfOurEyes

#theBarakahEffect

"Afflictions that struck Earlier Nations": Reflections and Wisdoms, with respect to Current Times #COVID19 #TakdeAirKatSelangorLagi

Ponder the following:

How has our attitude been in facing these calamities? 

What will be our state when – or rather, if – things to back to “normal”?

Do we have a ‘win-win’ outlook?

How well have we utilized the other blessings that we already DO have?

Here are some points to ponder from Tafsir ibn Kathir of Surah Al-A’raf, ayah 94-95:

وَمَآ أَرْسَلْنَا فِى قَرْيَةٍ مِّن نَّبِىٍّ إِلاَ أَخَذْنَا أَهْلَهَا بِالْبَأْسَآءِ وَالضَّرَّآءِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَضَّرَّعُونَ - ثُمَّ بَدَّلْنَا مَكَانَ السَّيِّئَةِ الْحَسَنَةَ حَتَّى عَفَواْ وَّقَالُواْ قَدْ مَسَّ ءَابَاءَنَا الضَّرَّآءُ وَالسَّرَّآءُ فَأَخَذْنَـهُمْ بَغْتَةً وَهُمْ لاَ يَشْعُرُونَ

94. And We sent no Prophet unto any town (and they denied him), but We seized its people with Ba'sa' (physical sickness and ailments) and Darra' (poverty and shame), so that they might humble themselves (to Allah).

95. Then We changed the evil for the good, until they `Afaw (increased), and said: "Our fathers were touched with evil and with good.'' So We seized them all of a sudden while they were unaware. (Surah Al-A’raf 7:94-95)

In his Tafsir, Ibnu Kathir said: 

" Allah mentions that He inflicted these nations with adversities, with the following wisdom:

﴿لَعَلَّهُمْ يَضَّرَّعُونَ﴾

“So that they might humble themselves” 

(meaning): Supplicate, humble themselves and invoke Allah, that He might remove the afflictions that they suffered from. 

This Ayah indicates that Allah sent down severe afflictions to them so that they might invoke Him, but they did not do what He ordered them. 

Therefore, He changed the affliction into prosperity to test them,

ثُمَّ بَدَّلْنَا مَكَانَ السَّيِّئَةِ الْحَسَنَةَ

“Then We changed the evil for the good” 

Therefore, Allah changed the hardship into prosperity, disease and sickness into health and well-being, and poverty into richness in provision, so that they might be thankful to Allah for this, but they did not do any of that. Allah's statement,

حَتَّى عَفَواْ

“until they were given increase in numbers, wealth and offspring.” Allah said next,

وَّقَالُواْ قَدْ مَسَّ ءَابَاءَنَا الضَّرَّآءُ وَالسَّرَّآءُ فَأَخَذْنَـهُمْ بَغْتَةً وَهُمْ لاَ يَشْعُرُونَ

“. . and they said: "Our fathers were touched with evil and with good.'' So We seized them all of a sudden while they were unaware.” 

He tested them with this (afflictions) and that (ease and abundance) so that they may humble themselves and repent to Him. However, they failed both tests, for neither this nor that compelled them to change their ways. 

They said, "We suffered sickness and poverty, but prosperity came afterwards, just as like our forefathers in earlier times.'' "Therefore,'' they said, "it is a cycle where we sometimes suffer a hardship and at other times, we enjoy a bounty.'' 

However, they did not comprehend Allah's wisdom, nor the fact that He is testing them in both cases. 

On the contrary, the believers are grateful to Allah in good times and practice patience in hard times. In the Sahih, the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ says,

«عَجَبًا لِلْمُؤْمِنِ لَا يَقْضِي اللهُ لَهُ قَضَاءً إِلَّا كَانَ خَيْرًا لَهُ، وَإِنْ أَصَابَتْهُ ضَرَّاءُ صَبَرَ فَكَانَ خَيْرًا لَهُ، وَإِنْ أَصَابَتْهُ سَرَّاءُ شَكَرَ فَكَانَ خَيْرًا لَه»

“Amazing are the matters of the believer, for everything that Allah decrees for him is good for him. If calamity strikes him, he is patient, and this is good for him, 

if he is given ease and prosperity, he is grateful for it and this is good for him.” (Muslim)

The believer, therefore, is aware of the test behind the afflictions whether it may be prosperity or adversity that Allah sends to him, as well as the blessings. Similarly, in another Hadith,

لَايَزَالُ الْبَلَاءُ بِالْمُؤْمِنِ حَتَّى يَخْرُجَ نَقِيًّا مِنْ ذُنُوبِهِ،وَالْمُنَافِق مِثْله كَمَثَلِ الْحِمَارِ لَا يَدْرِي فِيمَ رَبَطَهُ أَهْلُهُ وَلَا فِيمَ أَرْسَلُوه

“The believer will continue to be tested by afflictions until he ends up pure from sins (on account of their patience). 

And the parable of the hypocrite is that of a donkey, it does not know why its owners tied it or released it.” 

Allah said next,

فَأَخَذْنَـهُمْ بَغْتَةً وَهُمْ لاَ يَشْعُرُونَ

“So We seized them all of a sudden while they were unaware.”

meaning, We struck them with punishment all of a sudden, while they were unaware.” A Hadith describes sudden death,

«مَوْتُ الْفَجْأَةِ رَحْمَةٌ لِلْمُؤْمِنِ وَأَخْذَةُ أَسَفٍ لِلْكَافِر»

“Sudden death is a mercy for the believer, but a sorrowful punishment for the disbeliever.”

(End quote, Tafsir Ibn Kathir)

The solution? 

In the next ayah 7:96, the solutions are spelled out. 

Through our iman and taqwa, by implementing the associated acts of Tawheed (worshipping Allah Alone), which covers all acts of righteous deeds such as repentance (tawbah), supplications (du’aa), putting our trust (tawakkul) in Allah, sadaqah, dzikr, solah and others, Allah will grant us a mean and a way out. 

On a practical level, perhaps one may be wondering: What are the implications of this ayah? Does that mean that having iman and taqwa, it will start raining money? Problems solved on the spot?

Nope, even better than that: Allah grants us with His barakah (blessings). Allah says:

وَلَوْ أَنَّ أَهْلَ الْقُرَى ءَامَنُواْ وَاتَّقَوْاْ لَفَتَحْنَا عَلَيْهِم بَرَكَـتٍ مِّنَ السَّمَآءِ وَالاٌّرْضِ

“And if the people of the towns had believed and had Taqwa, certainly, We should have opened for them (the doors of) barakah (blessings) from the heaven and the earth..” (Surah Al-A’raf, 96)

Which begs the question: But what is barakah? Ibn Al-Qayyim said,

قال ابن القيم: البركة: كثرة الخير ودوامُه، 

“Barakah is abundance of goodness and being permanent / ever-lasting”

By having iman and taqwa, Allah will grant a special “value” in the blessings that He grants us. 

What this means in practice is, for example, these are just some benefits we obtain when we are granted with barakah in our:

💵Wealth: we will be able to sustain ourselves and have more practical benefits and value, and will make us content with less. We will have less “value leakages” spending on unnecessary things 

⏳Time: we will be able to achieve higher productivity of positive things, in addition to being more motivated and focused to abstain from doing things that waste them

 

👥Family: they will be a source of happiness and comfort for us (especially needed when we are spending so much time together at home)

🍞Food: we will be sufficiently nourished and satisfied with little, and are able to accommodate for more with the same. 

🌡️Health: to be protected from harmful diseases, to be able to achieve productive, positive achievements and tasks with our bodies

And if problems – challenges and adversities – do indeed happen, we can be assured that we go through them with the blessings of Allah. And the “Worst case”? We die in a state of submission. 

And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

Freeletics Level 100 ✨🎖️💪🏼

 

Alhamdulillah, recently achieved Level 100 in the bodyweight app, Freeletics. So, this is what online gamers must feel when they reached their character’s level cap 😂

Boy what a journey it has been, masha Allah. I have been using Freeletics since 2017: Back then, I was 90+kg with a BMI of 34, which was unflatteringly categorized as “obese” bordering on “very obese”. I could barely do five pushups. 

A handstand pushup? Pistol squat? No way. A pull-up seemed “impossible”. I was convinced that I had “poor metabolism”.

But since Freeletics offered tailor-made workouts based on our current levels of fitness, using purely bodyweight workouts, most of which don’t require any equipment (and hence no excuses), I thought, okay, let’s give it a shot. I decided to put in the work, without making a big fuss out of it or expecting much at all. I felt I was just an impostor “trying out” these workouts. 

After putting in the work consistently on average of 4 times a week – even in Ramadhan – alhamdulillah, the results slowly came in, and now I am part of the “normal” fraternity of the BMI club, and the pullup is my favorite exercise. 

So, reflecting back, I realized: Oh, bro…“poor metabolism” was just an excuse. A manifestation of lack of knowledge, effort and consistency. 

Big changes begin with small, consistent habits. All it takes is the willpower to fight through the excuses, persevere through the mundane/boring, endure through the discomfort, trust in the process, and don’t get complacent. 

Apps like Freeletics essentially helps instill habits by allowing us to take away the stress of “figuring out what to do”, takes away the excuses of “no equipment/no gym” or “CMCO what to do bro?”. And by having a tailor made routine to suit your level of fitness (whether beginner or advanced), it also removes the excuse of being “too difficult”. If you don’t do it, it’s all on you. 

The only excuse left is “I don’t have time”. And in the words of Tim Ferriss, if you “don’t have time”, you don’t have “priorities”. 

If it’s important, you’ll find a way. If it’s not important, you’ll find an excuse. 

Have a great, healthy, productive, safe weekend!

#TheBarakahEffect

Positive Discipline Tools: Summary

1. Win children over, instead of using your power to win over children.

2. Provide opportunities for children to develop and practice the Significant Seven perceptions and skills to increase their sense of self-worth:

a. Strong perceptions of personal capabilities: “I am capable”.

b. Strong perceptions of significance in primary relationships: “I contribute in meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed”.

c. Strong perceptions of personal power or influence over life: “I can influence what happens to me”.

d. Strong intrapersonal skills: ability to understand personal emotions and use that understanding to develop self-discipline and self-control.

e. Strong interpersonal skills: ability to work with others and develop friendships through communicating, cooperating, negotiating, sharing, empathizing and listening.

f. Strong systemic skills: ability to respond to the limits and consequences of everyday life with responsibility, adaptability, flexibility and integrity.

g. Strong judgmental skills: ability to use wisdom and to evaluate situations according to appropriate values.

3. Stop “telling” and start “asking” in ways that invite children to participate in problem solving.

4. Use the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation: Express understanding for child’s feelings; show empathy without condoning; share your feelings and perceptions; invite the child to focus on a solution.

5. Remember that the FEELING behind what you do or say is more important than what you do or say.

6. Involve children in brainstorming the chores that need to be done and a plan for doing them.

7. Avoid pampering so children can develop a belief in their own capabilities.

8. Teach and practice that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.

9. Teach and practice the three R’s of Recovery from Mistakes: Recognize, Reconcile, Resolve.

10. Make sure the message of love gets through.

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

“Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders to the people of taqwa”

(Al-Furqan 25:74)

Level 5 Leadership

 

What do you think is the #1 characteristic of great leaders with a proven track record of sustainable success? #Level5Leadership #GoodToGreat

In this book "Good to Great", author Jim Collins and his team embark on a research to study what they identified as eleven “Good-to-great companies” and studied in detail what they did differently to achieve the sustainable change that made them arrive at their greatness, when compared to other “pretty good” companies.

All good-to-great companies had the presence of what the author coins as “Level-5 leadership” – the presence of awesome leaders that drove the team towards greatness.

Pop quiz: what do you think is the number one most prominent distinguishing characteristic of Level-5 Leaders?

Is it: Visionary? Charismatic? Empathy? Resilience? Confidence? Accountability?

Brace yourselves: The number one characteristic of Level-5 leaders is that they are HUMBLE.

Wait, what? Humility? Good-to-great CEOs? Who would have thought? 🤔

Quoting from the book:
“Those who worked with or wrote about the good-to-great leaders continually used words like quiet, humble, modest, reserved, shy, gracious, mild-mannered, self-effacing, understated, did not believe his own clippings and so forth.
The good-to-great leaders never wanted to become larger-than-life heroes. They never aspired to be put on a pedestal or become unreachable icons. They were seemingly ordinary people quietly producing extra-ordinary results.”

But here’s my favorite part: the difference in attitude of good-to-great leaders versus comparison leaders, with respect to “who gets the credit” for success and failures.
“(Good-to-great leaders) refuse to take credit for their company’s success, instead attributing good fortune to having great colleagues, successors and predecessors.
Level 5 leaders look out the window to apportion credit to factors OUTSIDE themselves when things go well (and if they cannot find a specific person or event to give credit to, they credit good luck). At the same time, they look in the mirror to apportion RESPONSIBILITY: never blaming bad luck when things go poorly”

Wow. Amazing. What’s more amazing is how familiar it sounds to the phrase, “Everything good is from Allah, and everything wrong I may have said or done is from my own shortcomings”.

What is interesting is that the opposite was true for the comparison leaders i.e. of the non good-to-great companies: whom, I quote, “were typically egocentric rock star CEO’s, did just the opposite: They’d look out the inward for something or someone outside themselves to blame for poor results, but would preen in front of the mirror and credit themselves when things went well.
In contrast to the very “i”-centric style of the comparison leaders, we were struck by how the good-to-great leaders didn’t talk about themselves. During interviews with the good-to-great leaders, they’d talk about the company and the contributions of other executives as long as we’d like, but would deflect discussion about their own contributions”.

Last but not least, an important disclaimer:
“It is very important to grasp that Level 5 Leadership is not just about humility and modesty. It is equally about ferocious resolve, an almost stoic determination to do whatever needs to be done to make the company great.
Level 5 leaders are fanatically driven, infected with an incurable need to produce results. They will sell the mills or fire their brother, if that’s what it takes to make the company great. They are a study in duality: modest and willful, humble and fearless.

Conclusion:
Humility + Will = Level 5”

Now, interesting when we reflect that, with respect to the teachings of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. He said:

وَمَا تَوَاضَعَ أَحَدٌ لِلَّهِ إِلاَّ رَفَعَهُ اللَّهُ
“The one who shows humility, Allah will elevate him” (Muslim)

الْحَيَاءُ لاَ يَأْتِي إِلاَّ بِخَيْرٍ
“Al-Haya (modesty, shyness, humbleness) does not bring in anything except good” (Al-Bukhari)

وَمَا كَانَ الْحَيَاءُ فِي شَيْءٍ إِلاَّ زَانَهُ
“Whenever modesty is present in something, it beautifies it” (At-Tirmidzi)

إنَّ لِكُلِّ دينٍ خُلُقًا، وخُلُقُ الإسلامِ الحياءُ
“Verily, in every religion, there is a (primary) characteristic: and the characteristic of Islam is that of modesty” (Narrated by Ibn Majah, Muwatta Malik)

In fact, the Prophet ﷺ was an exemplar of Level-5 Leadership. You see, on one hand, as the companion Abu Said Al-Khudri narrated, the Prophet ﷺ had even more shyness and modesty than a veiled virgin girl. (Al-Bukhari).

But when the occasion calls for it, he would show ferocious resolve to be at the front lines in defense of his people.
قَالَ الْبَرَاءُ كُنَّا وَاللَّهِ إِذَا احْمَرَّ الْبَأْسُ نَتَّقِي بِهِ وَإِنَّ الشُّجَاعَ مِنَّا لَلَّذِي يُحَاذِي بِهِ ‏.‏ يَعْنِي النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم
Anas reported: the 'Prophet was the best, and most generous, and the most brave amongst the people. Once the people of Madinah got terrified at night, so they went in the direction of the noise (that terrified them). Before they could find out what it was, they saw the Prophet (ﷺ) as he was coming back from the source. He was riding an unsaddled horse belonging to Abu Talha with a sword was hanging by his neck, and he was saying, "Do not fear! Do not fear!” (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

And when it comes to justice, he will not hesitate to act with justice, even if it against his own daughter if she was caught:
فَإِنَّمَا أَهْلَكَ النَّاسَ قَبْلَكُمْ أَنَّهُمْ كَانُوا إِذَا سَرَقَ فِيهِمُ الشَّرِيفُ تَرَكُوهُ، وَإِذَا سَرَقَ فِيهِمِ الضَّعِيفُ أَقَامُوا عَلَيْهِ الْحَدَّ، وَالَّذِي نَفْسُ مُحَمَّدٍ بِيَدِهِ، لَوْ أَنَّ فَاطِمَةَ بِنْتَ مُحَمَّدٍ سَرَقَتْ لَقَطَعْتُ يَدَهَا
“The nations prior to you were destroyed because if a noble amongst them stole, they used to excuse him, and if a poor person amongst them stole, they would apply (Allah's) Legal Punishment to him.
I Swear, by Him in Whose Hand Muhammad's soul is, if Fatima, the daughter of Muhammad was guilty of theft, I would cut her hand!” (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

Food for thought in cultivating our future leaders..

#TheBarakahEffect