Any of you guilty of doing this?
Child: “Abah, nak (insert unfavorable request here)?”
Dad: “Go ask Ibu”
It’s a sneaky little trick that many of us are guilty of. Resorting to this evasive “taichi” maneuver to when our children ask for something that we are reluctant to give: toys, ice cream, chocolate, smartphone, screen time, etcetera. (Dads do this a lot 😅)
Why do we do this dodgy taichi stunt?
Parents typically resort to taichi to avoid the responsibility and consequences of making decisions, such as potentially face the wrath of our unhappy child when his request gets rejected.
And see right there, that’s the fundamental problem: the intention is not in the child’s best interest, or to resolve the child’s problem. We do it to resolve OUR problem – of convenience. “Malas nak layan dia bising”.
Crisis avoidance. But by doing so, we create more problems on the back end.
When we deflect the decision-making responsibility to our spouse, who will probably say no, you are subconsciously planting a bias in your children’s minds. You see, the child might not recognize the dad (or the mum) is dodging responsibility; he simply thinks that the other parent IS the approving authority, and because of that, when that one parent keeps rejecting the requests, it subconsciously builds resentment against that parent who keeps rejecting.
“Oh, mom is no fun”. “Abah is so restrictive”.
And sometimes out of our guilt, in an attempt to “improve” the child’s opinion of us, we overcompensate in ways which are unhealthy.
But it doesn’t stop there. Never underestimate your children’s intelligence. In fact, as parents we need to respect them for that, and incorporate that into our approach as part of our parenting wisdom.
Haven’t you observed their persistence in learning how to walk? Sure, they fall down, they get annoyed, they will even burst out in frustration in a while – but they will keep trying.
Children are smart and they will figure out loopholes. Even though they may be at an age where they can’t quite grasp the religious, moral, or health reasonings behind the prohibitions, they are intelligent enough to learn to overcome obstacles. Discover social “cheat codes” and hacks.. Bypass Red tapes to get what they want.
Eventually, they start drawing patterns and figuring out which authority WILL easily grant his “unlikeable” requests instead – e.g. the grandparents, the other parent, or aunties.
We indirectly train them to be lobbyists – politicking to get their way around. Not a good start.
The solution? Work as a team.
As a family raising our children, especially as parents, we need to have a conscious, solid consistency in our approach working as a single unit. Whatever you decide that should be avoided or reduced, agree upon them and work together.
If you are staying with your parents or extended families, have clearing conversations with them and get their cooperation and support to understand and empathize your conscious parenting choices, and why you decided them. Sure, they may disagree, but at least you understand and can take ownership of the risks and take the appropriate mitigation action.
Finally: If the child comes up with an uneasy request, have the courage to own up to saying no. Teach your child the discipline to acknowledge non-negotiable boundaries, and to be firm and decisive upon what you have set.
What are we teaching our children if we keep dodging responsibility? How will stick up to oppression and tyrants if we can’t even say “no” to our child? How will our children learn to stick up for themselves if their own parents don’t?
If you encounter genuinely difficult requests, just tell the child you need to discuss this further with mum; but as much as possible, try to make it an exception, not the rule, so you don’t indirectly teach your children to be indecisive all the time. Instead, what you want to teach them is that, firstly, you are deciding together as a team.
Secondly, humility: as much as you are their parent, guardian, teacher and mentor, there are situations that you don’t have all the answers all the time. And there is no shame in that!
Abu Darda, the righteous companion of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, he used to say, “to admit that that ‘I do not know’ is half of knowledge.” [Jaami’ Bayaanil ‘Ilm Wa Fadhlih, 1/54]
Got any experience with dodgy taichi maneuvers? How did you overcome them?
p/s My sincere apologies to taichi enthusiasts out there; I mean this term figuratively as a symbolic gesture of “passing the watermelon”, you know? Seriously, I got nothing against the taichi physical activity. In fact, I think it’s pretty awesome, to be honest. Another topic for another day.
#CoolnessOfOurEyes
#theBarakahEffect
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