Admitting our Past Faults, Mistakes and Shortcomings

 

In the recent Community of Practice (COP) session between Process Engineers, I shared some lessons learnt of one of our major engineering in-house studies we did. When I flashed this overall project timeline, I asked the COP quorum, what is your first impression when you look at this timeline?

“3 years! OMG: It took you so long!”

Exactly.

“Korang ni buat engineering study ke, buat rumah ni?”

Reflecting back at this unacceptably long duration, it made me come to a brutally rude awakening: this kind of performance is why our clients lose trust in us. This is why many of our internal clients always prefer outsourcing than doing things in-house - track records like this. 

By our actions, we are fundamentally opposing one of our Cultural Beliefs: Nurture Trust.

Now, looking back, it seems like we had many justifiable excuses on why we were late: multiple simultaneous jobs, shortage of engineering and forecast data from other ongoing teams, prioritization of other urgent tasks, lack of disciplined, formalized tracking, constantly changing client info, etcetera.

But if we are being really honest with ourselves, and taking it back to our first Cultural Bellief of “Results Matter”, at the end of the day, as far as Results go, the bottom line: It's just too long. 

If our contractors did the same, we would not consider it tolerable or acceptable, and we would have probably declared them to be “non-performing”.

This was a difficult bitter pill to swallow, especially because this project was our baby, and if I were to look at the deliverables alone, I am actually very proud of what we accomplished 100% in-house. I personally gained so much learning and competency development from the work, especially from the awesome contribution of my team members, Florence and May Yun. 

But I learnt that if we want to gain true wisdom from our experiences, we can only extract holistic life lessons when we are willing to admit our faults and learn from them.  

Justifications and excuses don’t solve anything. They only give us a false peace of mind to wipe away the uncomfortable feelings of accountability. “Bagi sedap hati”. 

For me, this project was a major lesson in one often overlooked aspect of integrity: consistency in high standards. “Would we accept if our contractors were to deliver with this performance?” 

Why, when it comes to our contractors, we place strict requirements to overperform, but when it comes to our own deliverables,  such as failing to submit reports or get them approved on time, why do we tolerate mediocre performance? 

Why is it, when it comes to our own tasks, we sneakily “shift the goal post”, but when they fail to meet deadlines, we bring out the sledgehammer, refuse to pay them, and unleash our client fury upon them? 

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said,

فَإِنَّمَا أَهْلَكَ النَّاسَ قَبْلَكُمْ أَنَّهُمْ كَانُوا إِذَا سَرَقَ فِيهِمُ الشَّرِيفُ تَرَكُوهُ، وَإِذَا سَرَقَ فِيهِمِ الضَّعِيفُ أَقَامُوا عَلَيْهِ الْحَدَّ، وَالَّذِي نَفْسُ مُحَمَّدٍ بِيَدِهِ، لَوْ أَنَّ فَاطِمَةَ بِنْتَ مُحَمَّدٍ سَرَقَتْ لَقَطَعْتُ يَدَهَا

“The nations prior to you were destroyed because if a noble person amongst them stole, they would excuse him, 

and if a poor person amongst them stole, they would apply the Legal Punishment to him. 

I Swear, by Him in Whose Hand Muhammad's soul is, if Fatima, the daughter of Muhammad was caught stealing, I would cut her hand!” (Narrated by Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Integrity is about more than “not accepting bribes” and “being truthful to what time you punch in”. It’s about your consistency to the values and principles you ascribe to, and taking responsibility for them without blaming external factors. 

Finally, what I learnt also is that for an organization to thrive towards sustainable continuous improvement, it needs to allow a safe, trusting environment to share lessons learnt of past failures and mistakes without being penalized, so as to note create a culture of learning, not that of finger-pointing, and sweeping the issues under the proverbial rug.

At the end of the day, we make mistakes, sure – just admit them, learn from them, move on and share: To practice generosity, swallow our pride to authentically share these lessons with others, so we do not get stung twice.

Who Was Muhammad ﷺ? #LoveForTheProphet #CintaRasul #SpreadTheLove

 

In his magazine “Noor Al-Islam”, the late Professor Hasan Ali said that a Brahmin (non-Muslim) colleague of his once told him: “I recognize and believe that the Messenger of Islam is the greatest man in history.”

Professor Hasan Ali asked him: “Why do you consider him as the greatest man?” He replied:

“No man possessed the excellent characteristics and ethics that he possessed all that he possessed all at one time. He was a king under whom the entire peninsula was united, yet he was humble and believed that all dominion belonged to God Alone.

Great riches would come to him and yet he lived in a state of poverty and asceticism; fire would not be lit in his house for many days and he would stay hungry. He was a great leader since he was able to lead only a few hundred into battle against thousands, and yet would decisively defeat them. He loved peace agreements and would agree to them with a firm heart, even though he had thousands of his brave and courageous Companions by his side, each one of whom by his conviction could confront a thousand enemies alone while not feeling the least bit intimidated.

Yet the Prophet was kind-hearted, merciful, and did not want to shed a drop of blood, and rather preferred peace. He was deeply concerned about the affairs of his family, household, or of the poor and needy. He was keen to disseminate Islam among all those who has gone astray, whether far or near.

In general, he was a man concerned with the betterment and well-being of mankind, yet he did not indulge in amassing worldly fortune as many leaders do. He busied himself with the worship of God and loved doing deeds which Pleased Him. He never avenged himself on account of personal reasons. He even prayed for his enemies’ well being and would warn them of the punishment of God.

He was an ascetic regarding worldly affairs and would worship God throughout the night. He was the brave and courageous soldier who himself fought with the sword and conquered nations for the sake of God. He slept on a mat of hay and a pillow filled with coarse fibers.

People crowned him as the Sultan of the Arabs and King of the Arabian Peninsula, yet his family lived a simple life, for even after they received great fortunes, the riches were piled in the Mosque for distribution. Once, his daughter Fatimah complained to him about how the strenuous work that she did at the grinding stone and by transporting the water vessels which had left marks on her body, yet he still did not grant her a portion of the gained wealth, but instead taught her a few words and supplications.

His companion Umar came to his house and looked in his room and saw nothing but a straw mat that the Prophet was sitting on, which had left imprints on his body (due to how coarse and uncomfortable it was). The only provisions in the house were a handful of barley and a water skin that hung on the wall – this is all the Messenger of God owned (personally), at a time when half the Arabs were under his control.

When Umar saw this, he could not control himself and cried. The Messenger of God ﷺ said, “Why are you weeping, O Umar?” He replied, “Why shouldn’t I weep, when Khosrau and Caesar enjoy themselves in this world, and yet the Messenger of God ﷺ only owns what I see!?”

He responded: “O Umar, wouldn’t it please you that this (worldly riches) are a share of Khosrau and Caesar in this life, and will be for us alone in the hereafter?”

When the Prophet examined his troops prior to the conquest of Makkah, Abu Sufyan, an enemy of Islam at the time, stood beside Al-Abbas, the uncle of the Prophet ﷺ, and they looked at the banners of the Muslim army. The vast number of Muslims amazed Abu Sufyan for they advanced towards Makkah like a torrent of water. No one could stop them, and nothing stood in their way! Abu Sufyan then said to Al-Abbas: “O Abbas, your nephew has become a great King!”

Al-Abbas responded by saying, “This is not kingship. Rather, this is prophethood, and the Messengership of Islam”.
A’dee at-Ta’ee, the son of Ha’tim at-Ta’ee, who was the paragon of generosity, was present in a gathering of the Prophet ﷺ whilst A’dee was still a Christian. When he saw how the Companions honored and respected the Prophet ﷺ, he was confused – was he a Prophet or a king? He asked himself, “Is he a king or a Messenger of the Messengers of God?”

While he waspondering over this, a poor destitute woman came to the Prophet ﷺ and said, “I wish to tell you a secret”. He said to her: “in which road in Madinah do you want me to meet you?”

The Prophet ﷺ left with the poor woman and assisted her to take care of her needs. When A’dee saw the humbleness of the Prophet ﷺ, he realized the truth and discarded the crosses that he was wearing, and became a Muslim”
(quoted from the book, "Muhammad: The Messenger of Allah" by Abdurrahman al-Sheha, See Muneer Sulaiman An-Nadawi, Ar-Risalah Al-Muhammadiyyah 114-115)

لَقَدْ كَانَ لَكُمْ فِي رَسُولِ اللَّـهِ أُسْوَةٌ حَسَنَةٌ لِمَنْ كَانَ يَرْجُو اللَّـهَ وَالْيَوْمَ الْآخِرَ وَذَكَرَ اللَّـهَ كَثِيرًا
“Verily in the Messenger of Allah you have an excellent example to follow – for the one who hopes in Allah and the Last Day” (Surah Al-Ahzab 33:21)

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said,

لاَ يُؤْمِنُ أَحَدُكُمْ حَتَّى أَكُونَ أَحَبَّ إِلَيْهِ مِنْ وَالِدِهِ وَوَلَدِهِ وَالنَّاسِ أَجْمَعِينَ
“None of you have (perfect) iman, until you love me more than your own father, your own children, and the whole of mankind” (Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

Anas bin Malik narrated: A man asked the Prophet (ﷺ) about the Hour (i.e. Day of Judgment) saying, "When will the Hour be?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "What have you prepared for it?" The man said, "Nothing, except that I love Allah and His Apostle."
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “‏"‏ أَنْتَ مَعَ مَنْ أَحْبَبْتَ”
"You will be with those whom you love."

Anas bin Malik said, “We had never been so glad as we were on hearing that saying of the Prophet (i.e., "You will be with those whom you love.")!
Therefore, I love the Prophet, Abu Bakr and `Umar, and I hope that I will be with them because of my love for them though my deeds are not similar to them” (Narrated by Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

#TheBarakahEffect

Attaining Protection from Allah #COVID-19 #AllahJagaKita

With the recent spike of #COVID19 cases in our country – reaching an all-time high at a 4-digits in recent days, may Allah protect us – it’s appropriate to remind us on the advice given by the Prophet ﷺ to his cousin, Abdullah ibn Abbas, on some practical advice on HOW we can attain the Protection of Allah and remain calm in these times of global crisis: 

احْفَظْ اللَّهَ يَحْفَظْك

“Protect (the rights of) Allah, and Allah will protect you”

Simple, but deep advice. 

Ibn Rajab Al-Hanbali said, “it is understood to mean being mindful of the limits set by Allah, being mindful of His Rights, what He has ordered and what He has prohibited” (Noor)

When it comes to the Rights of Allah upon us, when it comes to our daily lives, the #1 priority for a Muslim to be mindful of and guard is the 5-daily prayer, as Allah explicitly instructs us:

حَافِظُوا عَلَى الصَّلَوَاتِ وَالصَّلَاةِ الْوُسْطَىٰ وَقُومُوا لِلَّـهِ قَانِتِينَ

“Guard strictly the (five obligatory) prayers, especially the middle prayer ('Asr). And stand before Allah with obedience” (2:238)

The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) was asked: Which of the actions is best? He replied: 

الصَّلاَةُ فِي أَوَّلِ وَقْتِهَا

“Performing prayer early in its period.” (Abu Daud)

In practice, guarding the Rights of Allah also means: fulfilling our other obligations (e.g. towards our family, our jobs), abstaining from the haram, sincere repentance from the sins we have committed, and striving to perform as many righteous deeds as possible, including charity, da’wah, and others. 

Many of us, when we face situations of difficulty, will immediately turn to the physical means to protect ourselves - SOP, staying at home, and so on. 

Which is all good, Alhamdulillah, but how many of us immediately turn into self-introspection and put in extra effort to improve ourselves, knowing with confidence that this is a means to earn Allah’s Protection?

Remember the words of Allah:

وَمَنْ يَتَّقِ اللَّـهَ يَجْعَلْ لَهُ مَخْرَجًا ﴿٢﴾ وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ ۚ وَمَنْ يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّـهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ 

And whosoever has taqwa of Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will Grant a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). (2) And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. (Surah At-Talaq 65:2-3)

Now, what does it mean to earn the Protection of Allah?

Ibn Rajab states: “Allah protects the servant in more than one way. First, He guards and protects the person’s worldly interests and needs, such as protecting his body, wife, children and wealth.

In fact, it is even said that due to a person’s righteousness, his children and even grandchildren are protected and guarded by Allah" - as understood in the third story of Musa and Khidr in surah Al-Kahf.

One time, Sa’eed ibn Al-Musayyab said to his son, “O my son, I increase in my prayers for your sake, hoping that you will be preserved due to it.” Then he recited the verse, 

وَكَانَ أَبُوهُمَا صَالِحًا

“And their father was a righteous man” (Surah Al-Kahf 18:82)

The rest of the hadith talks about profound lessons in Qadr (predestination):

إذَا سَأَلْت فَاسْأَلْ اللَّهَ، وَإِذَا اسْتَعَنْت فَاسْتَعِنْ بِاَللَّهِ، وَاعْلَمْ أَنَّ الْأُمَّةَ لَوْ اجْتَمَعَتْ عَلَى أَنْ يَنْفَعُوك بِشَيْءٍ لَمْ يَنْفَعُوك إلَّا بِشَيْءٍ قَدْ كَتَبَهُ اللَّهُ لَك، وَإِنْ اجْتَمَعُوا عَلَى أَنْ يَضُرُّوك بِشَيْءٍ لَمْ يَضُرُّوك إلَّا بِشَيْءٍ قَدْ كَتَبَهُ اللَّهُ عَلَيْك؛ رُفِعَتْ الْأَقْلَامُ، وَجَفَّتْ الصُّحُفُ

“If you ask, then ask Allah [alone]; 

and if you seek help, then seek help from Allah [alone]. 

And know that if the nation were to gather together to benefit you with anything, they would not benefit you except with what Allah had already prescribed for you. 

And if they were to gather together to harm you with anything, they would not harm you except with what Allah had already prescribed against you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.”

(Compiled in hadith #19 under Imam An-Nawawi’s 40 Hadith, narrated by At-Tirmidzi who graded it hasan sahih)

Allah is in control over all affairs, including every atom of the coronavirus spreading in the world as we speak. Had He willed, he could immediately let it disappear in an instant. 

Yet, He, Ar-Rahman, Ar-Raheem (the Most Compassionate, Most Merciful), Al-Aziz, Al-Qadir, (All-Powerful), Al-Hakeem (All-Wise) willed for these things to occur for wisdoms known only to Him. 

If you have guarded His Rights and lived a life of righteousness, then rest assured, no matter what the outcome will be what is best for you in the long run: if not in this dunya, definitely in the Hereafter. 

Trials like our times present an opportunity of reflection and introspection for those who are in relative ease, who still have their good health intact: to be more proactive about changing ourselves, before our time is too late.

In another narration also compiled in Hadith #19, the Prophet ﷺ said:

تَعَرَّفْ إلَى اللَّهِ فِي الرَّخَاءِ يَعْرِفُك فِي الشِّدَّةِ

“Get to know Allah in times of Ease, and He will Know you in times of difficulty” (Musnad Ahmad)

May Allah keep us steadfast in His obedience and guarding in His Rights, and in turn, Protect us in this dunya and the hereafter.

“Alhamdulillah, this is awesome” – Reframing challenges into achievements

Convincing this little man to take a bath isn’t easy 😅. It has been a daily challenge of negotiation, battle of wits through a lot of cheeky excuses as procrastination tactics (which admittedly, I used to do when I was small too!), and at times, requiring us to endure through some screaming, kicking, and everything in between.

But the minute you got him there to show up in the tub/shower/mini-pool (whatever we agreed to settled for in our win-win negotiation agreement) it’s an awesome feeling. Then we have fun.

And at this point, I say, “Alhamdulillah, this is nice”. Another achievement in my books.

This was a little positive mental health technique I learnt: appreciate and celebrate the little wins in our lives. Quoting Kurt Vonnegut: “I Urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point: “if this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is”.

But instead of using this phrase verbatim, what I do instead is to swap that phrase with “Alhamdulillah". The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
مَا أَنْعَمَ اللَّهُ عَلَى عَبْدٍ نِعْمَةً فَقَالَ الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ إِلَّا كَانَ الَّذِي أَعْطَاهُ أَفْضَلَ مِمَّا أَخَذَ
“Whenever Allah bestows a blessing upon a slave, and he says: 'Al-hamdu Lillah (all praise is to Allah),'
He gives what is better than what he received (the blessing)." (Ibnu Majah)

The key here is to lower the entry bar as low as possible: Build appreciation for the smallest things we encounter in our daily lives which we sometimes take for granted.
Make your bed? Alhamdulillah, that was awesome!
Had a good coffee this morning? Alhamdulillah that was lovely!
Woke up to the sound of your crying infant? Alhamdulillah, so blessed to have her around!
Had a productive meeting? Alhamdulillah that felt great!
The possibilities are endless.

If you are grateful for the small things, it is infinitely easier to be grateful for the big things.

But being grateful for positive things alone is only half of the equation, though. If we want to build a strong gratitude attitude in all aspects of life, we need to somehow hack our minds and convince ourselves to embrace the tough challenges, and we can do this by reframing challenges into achievements.

If we know we are to face challenges – no matter how big or small they are – instead of hating it, we should keep our eyes on the prize: look forward to the victorious feeling of accomplishment that you get when you’re done. That gratifying “Alhamdulillah” that waits for us on the other side.

When we do tough workouts, it’s not the tough painful exercises that excite us (looking at you, burpees and deadlifts). What excites us is that awesome feeling of achievement when we get at the end, when we are done. The sweat-drenched soreness that reminds us that we have defeated our previous limitations, destroyed our excuses, persevered through the pain, and have gone one step forward to becoming “a better me”.

In that same way, whenever I know I am about to go through the tough negotiation to convince Muawiyah to take a shower, instead of approaching it with a sense of dread or frustration, I remember the end result: look forward to that awesome sense of achievement when he's in the shower.

Sometimes, the only difference between a problem and an achievement is your perception.

It takes some training to get into the hang of it – but if you keep at it, you can turn unexpected "trials" into little wins. Trust in the process, insha Allah. The Prophet ﷺ said,
وَمَنْ يَتَصَبَّرْ يُصَبِّرْهُ اللَّهُ
"Whomever tries to be patient, Allah will make him patient" (Al-Bukhari)

What challenges can you reframe into mini-achievements?

#TheBarakahEffect  #parenting #HowToDad

Got plans this weekend? #StayAtHome #eMCO

 

Being #StuckAtHome isn’t an excuse to become a couch potato to kill time by binge-watching, social media and video games all day.

Time is the single most important resource that you will ever have in your lives.
All of the most important assets and achievements you will ever have: your wealth, your knowledge, your relationships, and all your righteous deeds – are the result of how you spent that time to grow and retain them in the first place.

Waste a bit of cash? Have some financial challenges? Use your TIME to find ways to recover them.

Gone off the rails with regards to your personal health? No problem; as long as you’re of normal health it’s proven that all you need are disciplined few weeks of healthy clean living to implement a good diet/exercise/sleep plan and your health can bounce back very quickly, masha Allah. Allah granted us with strong, versatile bodies:, alhamdulillah – all you need is your TIME and effort.

But unlike health and wealth, time that you waste can NEVER be recovered.

If you spend 2 hours watching a movie, watching five episodes of Stranger Things on Netflix, “just browsing” Instagram, or “just another round of PUBG”, that’s valuable capital gone forever, even if you cry tears of blood.
In fact, the time it takes for you to cry those tears of blood will also never come back.

That time is gone forever, written in your book of deeds, waiting to be presented to your Lord when you meet him on the Day of Judgment. So you really have to be honest and ask yourself: was that time well-spent?
Ibn Al-Qayyim said,
ضياع العمر أسوأ من الموت، فإن الموت يقطعك عن الدنيا، وضياع العمر يقطعك عن الآخرة!
“Wasting time is worse than death. Death separates you from this world, whereas wasting time separates you from Allah!”

Make use of our capital while we still have them. Prophet Muhammad Rasulullah (ﷺ) said,
نِعْمَتَانِ مَغْبُونٌ فِيهِمَا كَثِيرٌ مِنَ النَّاسِ، الصِّحَّةُ وَالْفَرَاغُ ‏
“Two blessings which most of mankind are cheated (i.e. fail to capitalize or make full use of when they still have them): good health and free time” (Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

The term “Maghbun” which is translated as “cheated” in this context is usually used in the case of a business man who has capital and money, but because of poor management of funds, oversight, mistakes, he feels like he is “still okay”, but then he checks back and suddenly all that capital is gone.

So the businessman is cheated, deceived by what he thought he had!

The Prophet ﷺ here is saying, majority of mankind, when they have health and free time, they take it for granted and don’t truly benefit them. But when Allah takes away one of these two, people go into regretful, “wishful thinking” mode: “If only I had free time…”, “if I was healthy and strong, just watch me”.

But guess what happens when they get back their health and their free time?

Don’t be like majority of people. You better than that, my friend.
Don’t be cheated. Utilize your capital wisely. If you fail to plan how you use that capital, you plan to fail.

So yeah, anyway, about this weekend: Got plans?

#TheBarakahEffect

Comforting your own soul when Allah does not (seem to) Respond to your du'aa (supplications) 😔

 

Ever caught in situations where you are continuously asking Allah for something – yet it appears that it has not been granted to you?
Ever felt that frustration as if your du’aa – apparently – seems to have no effect?

Ibn Al-Jawzi also felt the same. In his book Sayyid al-Khatir, he mentions:

"I was once in a situation of distress, so I constantly made du'aa to Allah to relieve me from my distress, and to bless me with relief and freedom. Yet, the response seemed to be delayed - so my soul started getting agitated and restless..

I told my soul, "Woe to you! Consider your situation! Are you a slave or are you a king? Are you one who is controlled (by Allah), or are YOU the controller?
Do you not know that this world is the place of trials and tests?
And if you ask for something and it is not responded to, and you are impatient at this, then where is the test?!
After all, are not all trials and tests merely the opposite of our own goals and desires?
If only you were to understand this responsibility, then that which is difficult will appear easy for you, and the unbearable will become light."

After my soul pondered this, it calmed down a bit.

I then told my soul, "I also have a second answer: and that is that are you asking (Allah) your wishes and desires, but neglecting to ask yourself what is obligated to do?
This is the essence of ignorance, for it is appropriate for you to do the opposite, since you are a servant, and the intelligent servant strives to fulfil the rights of his master, knowing that it is not an obligation for the master to grant any desire."

After I told it this, it achieved more peace.

Then, I told my soul, "I have yet a third response, and that this is that YOU yourself have delayed the response, as you have blocked its path with your sins. So if only you were to open the path, the response would be quickened.
Do you not know the cause of peace is taqwa? Have you not heard the statement of Allah:

وَمَنْ يَتَّقِ اللَّـهَ يَجْعَلْ لَهُ مَخْرَجًا﴿٢﴾ وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ
"And whoever fears Allah, He will provide a way out for him.
And He shall Provide for him from sources that he never could imagine?" (Surah at-Talaq 2-3)

Have you not understood that the opposite also applies (that if you are immersed in your sins, your matter will be made difficult)?
Woe to the intoxicant of thoughtlessness that is stronger than all other intoxicants, and prevents the water that is required from reaching the garden of one’s goals!

I then said to my soul, “I have yet a fourth response, and that is that you are asking for something for which you do not know the consequences of. In fact, it might be harmful for you.
Your example is that of a child, stricken with fever, and asking for sweets. The one in charge of you is more aware of your betterment than you are. Has not Allah said,

وَعَسَىٰ أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُم
"And perhaps, it may be that you hate something, yet it is good for you” (Surah Al-Baqarah 216)

After the truth became clear to my soul, it settled down in contentment.

I then said to to my soul, “I have a final – fifth – response, and that is that:
this wish of yours will decrease your reward (with Allah), and lower your status. Therefore, the prevention of the response is actually increasing of your good (in the Hereafter). If you were only to ask what benefits your Hereafter, it would be better for you.

Therefore, understand all that I have told you”.

My soul then replied, “I have been grazing in the gardens of your response, and the understanding (that you have given me) has caused me to be ecstatic with joy!”

(ibn al-Jawzi, "Sayyid al-Khatir”)

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said,
يُسْتَجَابُ لأَحَدِكُمْ مَا لَمْ يَعْجَلْ يَقُولُ دَعَوْتُ فَلَمْ يُسْتَجَبْ لِه
“The Du’aa of every single one of you will surely be granted – as long as he does not say ‘I have made du’aa and yet it has not been responded to!’” (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِي عَنِّي فَإِنِّي قَرِيبٌ ۖ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ الدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ ۖ فَلْيَسْتَجِيبُوا لِي وَلْيُؤْمِنُوا بِي لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْشُدُونَ
And when My slaves ask you concerning Me, (tell them) I am indeed Near (to them);
I respond to the du’aa of the one who makes du’aa (to Me)
So let them respond to Me, and have iman (believe) in Me, so they may be guided
(Surah Al-Baqarah, verse 168) 

Gratitude Towards Others

“We must find the time to stop and thank the people who made a difference in our lives” (John F Kennedy)

Here’s the truth: None of our achievements or successes are of our own individual efforts alone. 

None of them. From your academic intelligence, to your job, your life achievements, parenting, personal capabilities, etiquettes and mannerisms, religious inclinations and everything in between. All of these are the sum of many underlying factors, circumstances and people who directly and indirectly played a role to shape who we are and what we achieve: from our parents, our teachers, our spouses, friends, colleagues, bosses. Even our rivals and adversaries. 

The choice we have to consciously make is, are we ready to acknowledge, recognize, and show some gratitude for them. And if we choose not to be grateful out of our ego or fear of looking “weak”, it is in fact an expression ingratitude against our Creator, Who destined these great individuals to play their role in our lives. This is why Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, 

مَنْ لاَ يَشْكُرِ النَّاسَ لاَ يَشْكُرِ اللَّهَ

"Whoever is not grateful to other people, he is not grateful to Allah." 

(Narrated by Abu Daud and At-Tirmidzi who graded it hasan sahih)

In another narration, the Prophet emphasizes further that to be ungrateful to others in a leading cause to enter Hellfire:

أُرِيتُ النَّارَ فَإِذَا أَكْثَرُ أَهْلِهَا النِّسَاءُ يَكْفُرْنَ ‏"‏‏.‏ قِيلَ أَيَكْفُرْنَ بِاللَّهِ قَالَ ‏"‏ يَكْفُرْنَ الْعَشِيرَ، وَيَكْفُرْنَ الإِحْسَانَ، لَوْ أَحْسَنْتَ إِلَى إِحْدَاهُنَّ الدَّهْرَ ثُمَّ رَأَتْ مِنْكَ شَيْئًا قَالَتْ مَا رَأَيْتُ مِنْكَ خَيْرًا قَطُّ ‏"

"I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." 

It was asked, "Are they ungrateful to Allah?” 

He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) towards them, but when he sees something in you (that upsets or angers her), she says, “I have never received any good from you!” (Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

Two simple means of expressing gratitude for others:

1. Acknowledge and recognize them. Just pick up the phone and express your thanks. This is so simple, yet so few people actually do. Sure, people of sincerity never expect your gratitude, but when you take the initiative to reach out and express this earnest gesture, it leaves behind an immensely positive impact to strengthen your relationship, and act as a positive reinforcement for the person to keep up the great work. 

The best of this is to say the phrase “JazakAllahu khayran” as taught by our Prophet  ﷺ:

مَنْ صُنِعَ إِلَيْهِ مَعْرُوفٌ فَقَالَ لِفَاعِلِهِ جَزَاكَ اللَّهُ خَيْرًا فَقَدْ أَبْلَغَ فِي الثَّنَاءِ

"Whoever some good was done to him, and he says: JazakAllahu khayran, 'May Allah reward you in goodness', then he has done the most that he can of praise." (At-Tirmidzi)

There is a subtle power behind this simple phrase. It is an acknowledgement that, “no matter how much I thank you, my words can never do justice to the kindness that you have done for me, nor can my personal weakness and limitation of understanding the impact of your contributions. Therefore instead, I ask Allah – the All-Knowing, Most-Powerful, All-Seeing, All-Knowing, All-Rich and Lord of the Universe – to repay it.” 

2. Supplicate (make du’aa) for them in their absence. The Prophet ﷺ said, 

وَمَنْ صَنَعَ إِلَيْكُمْ مَعْرُوفًا فَكَافِئُوهُ فَإِنْ لَمْ تَجِدُوا مَا تُكَافِئُونَهُ فَادْعُوا لَهُ حَتَّى تَرَوْا أَنَّكُمْ قَدْ كَافَأْتُمُوهُ‏

“If anyone does an act of kindness for you, repay him; but if you have not the means to do so, pray (make du'aa) for him until you feel that you have compensated him. (Narrated by Abu Daud, graded sahih by Al-Albani)

دَعْوَةُ الْمَرْءِ الْمُسْلِمِ لأَخِيهِ بِظَهْرِ الْغَيْبِ مُسْتَجَابَةٌ، عِنْدَ رَأْسِهِ مَلَكٌ مُوَكَّلٌ كُلَّمَا دَعَا لأَخِيهِ بِخَيْرٍ، قَالَ الْمَلَكُ الْمُوَكَّلُ بِهِ: آمِينَ وَلَكَ بِمِثْلٍ

“The du’aa (supplication) of a Muslim for his brother at his back (in his absence) is mustajab (responded to);

As long as He is making a du’aa of goodness for his brother, an angel commissioned (by Allah) will be by his side, and (will also make du’aa) and say:

“Ameen, and May it be granted for you too!” 

(Narrated by Muslim)

Some examples of how our righteous predecessors of the past used to practice this aspect of gratitude:

- Umm Dardaa said: “Abu Dardaa had three hundred and sixty close friends (beloved) for the sake of Allaah, he would supplicate for them in the prayer.” 

- Imaam Abu Haneefah (rahimahullaah) said: “There has not been a single prayer I have prayed since the death of (my shaykh) Hammad, except that in every prayer, I seek forgiveness for him along with my parents, and indeed I seek forgiveness for whoever I learnt knowledge from – or for whom I taught knowledge to.” 

- Ishaaq bin Raahawaih (rahimahullaah) said: “Seldom will a night pass except that in it I supplicate for whoever wrote (knowledge) from us and for whoever we wrote from.” 

- Al-Khateeb al-Baghdadi mentioned: Abu Hamdoon used to have a page on which was written (the names of) three hundred of his friends, and he used to supplicate for them every night. 

- Abu Dardaa (radhiyallaahu ‘anhu) said: “Indeed I seek forgiveness for seventy of my brothers in my prostration, I name them by the names of their fathers.”

"Dah la PKPB, Air pulak takde" - Patience during hardships of a Waterless Quarantine in Selangor + KL

 

Qadhi Shurayh said: “Whenever I am afflicted with any affliction, calamity or difficulty, I praise Allah four times: 

1. I praise Allah that the hardship was not greater than it is: it could always be worse;

2. I praise Him when He gives me patience to withstand the hardship;

3. I praise Him for guiding me to say the statement ‘inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un’ إِنَّا لِلَّـهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ (Verily, to Him we belong and to Him we shall return – surah al-Baqarah 2:156); and

4. I praise Him for not making that affliction affect my religion” (Siyar a’laam an-nubula)

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

مَا يُصِيبُ الْمُسْلِمَ مِنْ نَصَبٍ وَلاَ وَصَبٍ وَلاَ هَمٍّ وَلاَ حُزْنٍ وَلاَ أَذًى وَلاَ غَمٍّ حَتَّى الشَّوْكَةِ يُشَاكُهَا، إِلاَّ كَفَّرَ اللَّهُ بِهَا مِنْ خَطَايَاهُ

"Never does fatigue, disease, sorrow, sadness, hurt, or distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick of a thorn, except that Allah forgives some of his sins (on account of his patience)." (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

عَجَبًا لأَمْرِ الْمُؤْمِنِ إِنَّ أَمْرَهُ كُلَّهُ خَيْرٌ وَلَيْسَ ذَاكَ لأَحَدٍ إِلاَّ لِلْمُؤْمِنِ إِنْ أَصَابَتْهُ سَرَّاءُ شَكَرَ فَكَانَ خَيْرًا لَهُ وَإِنْ أَصَابَتْهُ ضَرَّاءُ صَبَرَ فَكَانَ خَيْرًا لَهُ

“Amazing are the affairs of the believer! There is good for him in everything, and this applies only to a believer.

If goodness/prosperity attends him, he is thankful to Allah, and it is good for him,

And if affliction/adversity befalls him, he is patient, and that is (also) good for him” (Muslim)

May Allah grant us patience and facilitate #AirSelangor to restore our water supply

#theBarakahEffect

Feeling the Monday Blues as we kickoff the work week?

 

Fantastic! Attached here are some hard facts of employee retrenchment in the oil and gas industry alone, from all the major big players all over the world: ever increasing as we speak. 

In America alone, over 40 million Americans are unemployed because of the pandemic. That’s more than the entire population of our country. All jobless.

Hopefully, for those of us who still do have jobs (like myself), this harsh reality check can help knock some sense and sincere gratitude to  and motivate us to strive to do even better and excel at work. 

I remind myself this: None of us are indispensable. If Allah had willed, he could have replaced me with someone else. Someone who is smarter and willing to work more than me. Yet I still have the privilege to be here.

Stop whining and be grateful. 

وَإِذْ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمْ لَئِنْ شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ ۖ وَلَئِنْ كَفَرْتُمْ إِنَّ عَذَابِي لَشَدِيدٌ

And (remember) when your Lord proclaimed: "If you give thanks (by accepting Faith and worshipping none but Allah), I will give you more (of My Blessings), but if you are thankless (i.e. disbelievers), verily! My Punishment is indeed severe." (Surah Ibrahim, 14:7)

I remind because I care. 

May Allah make us amongst the grateful and patient; and may He ease and facilitate all the affairs for the difficulties around the world today.

 

#BersyukurMasihAdaKerja #Alhamdulilllah

#theBarakahEffect

Keeping our good deeds a secret

 

Are we habitually publicizing / showing off our good deeds on social media? 

An inspiring story: Ali bin Husayn, (the grandson of Ali bin Abi Talib also known as Zainul Abidin, he beauty of worshippers) had kept a huge secret which was only 'exposed' after his death.

When Ali passed away and they washed his janazah, they suddenly discovered that he had these visible black marks on his back – when people saw this, they were surprised! They said, “this is the back of a person who carries huge loads – but as far as we are aware, he never worked as someone who did that!”.

But after his death, only then people started to realize that suddenly a hundred homes of widows and orphans in Madinah have been deprived from food. 

It turns out that all this time, every night, Ali bin Husayn has been secretly packaging and carrying food as charity to deliver to these houses in the middle of the night, and no one had idea who delivered it to them. 

So now we know.

SubhanAllah. He struggled his utmost level best to keep his charity a secret – and only after his death Allah makes his deed known to people, the inspiring selfless act of charity and demonstration of generosity, and Allah grants so much barakah to it that we are speaking about this contribution 1300 years later. 

What can we learn from this?

Don’t worry about the results or the impact of your righteous deeds, or whether people will acknowledge you, show you gratitude or give you the credit that's due. Don't worry about how many "likes", shares, or re-tweets you get. Instead, worry about how sincere you are: Leave the rest to Allah. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said,

من استطاع منكم أن يكونَ له خَبيءٌ من عملٍ صالحٍ فلْيفْعلْ

“Whomever amongst you can keep his good deeds a secret, then let him do so”

(Narrated by ibnu Abi Shaybah & al-Khatib in Tarikh Al-Baghdadi; graded sahih by Al-Albani)

When we keep our good deeds a secret, we have that extra layer of assurance that we did it with true ikhlas (sincerity), knowing that there is no room for riyaa (ostentation) and being praised by others. 

That is why our righteous predecessors (salfus-soleh) would put extra effort into making sure their good deeds remain a secret. So much so that they would pray qiyamullayl / tahajjud and their own wives will not even notice: one of them went the extra mile to wake up, pray, pretend to go back to sleep and then wake up his wife – to “leave no evidence” behind. 

A stark contrast to what many of us do today in social media, that like to “hint” – or even downright unashamedly SHOW – our righteous deeds. Let’s fix this habit and instead strive to #BeSecretlyAwesome between us and Allah. 

Who cares if you get thousands of likes? The only ONE “like” that matters is Allah. The Prophet ﷺ said,

إِذَا أَحَبَّ اللَّهُ عَبْدًا نَادَى جِبْرِيلَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ فُلاَنًا، فَأَحِبَّهُ‏.‏ فَيُحِبُّهُ جِبْرِيلُ، فَيُنَادِي جِبْرِيلُ فِي أَهْلِ السَّمَاءِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ فُلاَنًا، فَأَحِبُّوهُ‏.‏ فَيُحِبُّهُ أَهْلُ السَّمَاءِ، ثُمَّ يُوضَعُ لَهُ الْقَبُولُ فِي أَهْلِ الأَرْضِ

"If Allah loves a person, He calls Jibreel and announces: 'Allah loves so and so; O Jibreel, love him.' 

Jibreel would love him, and then Jibreel would make an announcement among the residents of the Heaven, 'Allah loves so-and-so, therefore, you should love him also.' 

So, all the residents of the Heavens would love him and then he is granted the pleasure of the people of the earth." (Narrated by Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

Done some awesome deeds lately? Force yourself to fight of the temptation to tell anyone (not even the wifey). Sshh… Keep it a secret. I dare you.

#theBarakahEffect

”Should we just stick to the SOPs – wear masks, practice physical distancing, and stay at home as much as possible to stay safe – or should we just put our trust in Allah?”

A man once asked a similar question to Prophet Muhammad ﷺ:

يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَعْقِلُهَا وَأَتَوَكَّلُ أَوْ أُطْلِقُهَا وَأَتَوَكَّلُ قَالَ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ اعْقِلْهَا وَتَوَكَّلْ

 “O Messenger of Allah, should I tie my camel and trust in Allah, or should I leave her untied and trust in Allah?” 

The Prophet ﷺ said, “Tie her, and then put your trust in Allah.” (Narrated by At-Tirmidzi)

The first part of the equation of tawakkul (putting our trust in Allah) is for us to put in our effort, to the best of our efforts and our ability. If you don’t practice this part, then in actual fact you haven’t truly practiced tawakkul. It is “tawaakul” (fake tawakkul. Or rather, Pseudo-tawakkul, if you fancy). 

When Umar was khalifah, he noticed a group of people who were not working, they were just kind of sitting around and living their lives begging and hoping for charity. And Umar asked what are you doing? They said, “we are the mutawakkilun” (people who put their trust in Allah) and he responded something to the effect of “you guys are just being lazy. This isn’t tawakkul. Get up and work.”

Okay, so back to answering the question at hand:

Adhere to the SOP’s and instructions of those in authority who issue in our best interests of public safety, so that we can all play our part in breaking the chain of infectious viruses. 

Then put your trust in Allah. 

Kaman gais. We've done a great job before. We can do it again. If we all play our part, we all have the capacity to save lives, bi idznillah.

وَمَنْ أَحْيَاهَا فَكَأَنَّمَا أَحْيَا النَّاسَ جَمِيعًا

“..and if anyone saved one life, it would be as if he saved the life of all mankind.” (Surah Al-Maidah, 5:32)

The Miracle Method to resolve conflicts and misunderstanding: Just Pick Up the phone and call

 

When was the last time you were involved in a Cold War? What did you do to resolve it?

You know what I’m talking about: the kind of “unseen” conflicts that we Malaysians get into almost all the time because we hate confrontation and avoid difficult conversations. The kind where we smile through our teeth as if everything is fine and we “redha je”, but in fact we are actually deeply unhappy inside, though unable to speak up out of fear or to live up to the ever-present need to not upset anyone and look like “the good guy”. 

The problem is, behind the scenes, this unhappiness manifests in the form of backbiting, politicking, name-calling, subconscious evasive manners when we meet the other party, and of course, the infamous PhD syndrome: envy, a.k.a. “perasaan-hasad-dengki”.

Perhaps more appropriately, we should call it the “cold shoulder” war.

There have been many incidents throughout my professional and personal life where I was inadvertently roped into these cold war conflicts without realizing it. Misunderstanding between family members, negative judgment against bosses, subordinates, fellow colleagues, other departments – sometimes admittedly because of my own shortcomings, but sometimes triggered from the silliest, most trivial causes but gets blown out of proportion: made even worse through social media. Unfortunately, it even happens between ustadzs and very educated and respected people.

And many times, I realized the solution is quite simple: all it takes is just for one person to pick up the phone and call. 

It’s so ridiculously simple and effective, yet few people do – because of the preconceived judgment we have of the other party. Because of our ego, we get locked into a prolonged stalemate of strained relationships.

You see my friends, when you take the first step to touch base and come to a mutual understanding of each party’s perception and needs, many times you will be pleasantly surprised and realize that they are actually very decent and reasonable people. We earn their trust as people who are genuinely seeking to find a resolution. And as human beings, it’s almost impossible not to reciprocate an act of personal honesty and integrity.

But this can only take place if you give the other party the benefit of doubt, put aside your misconceptions, swallow your ego and take the first step. 

One time I remember our team received a pretty lousy performance rating by our superior. As the whole team was disgruntled and demoralized, some beginning to harbor ill-thoughts of our boss, I just went up to his office, reached out to him face to face to initiate a casual conversation and neutrally asked, “is something wrong?” It turns out that he himself was struggling at his job, admitted that he made a mistake in setting “higher standards”, and did not have a solid strategy to defend our performance appraisals. 

That conversation turned from “we are frustrated” to a collaborative “how can we help?”. It opened up a productive conversation to iron things out and come up with strategies to improve.

The following year, our team was the highest performers in the department. All of it started with an ice-breaking conversation.  

Similar incidents happened in my own personal life: all it took to clear the air was a simple phone call. Many times, an uneasy situation of misunderstanding tends to create a negative perception towards the other party and therefore lock ourselves into this cognitive bias against them, blowing matters out of proportion in our heads – hence triggering the cold war. And as long as we don’t break the cycle and start to communicate, we tend to “spy on them” without empathy, therefore forming signs that create new “assumptions” to reinforce our negative judgment against them. This is basically the was-was of shaytan; that is why Allah tells us:

وَقُلْ لِعِبَادِي يَقُولُوا الَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ ۚ إِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ يَنْزَغُ بَيْنَهُمْ 

“And say to My slaves (i.e. the true believers of Islamic Monotheism) that they should (only) say those words that are the best. (Because) Shaitan (Satan) verily, sows disagreements among them.” (Surah Al-Isra, 17:53)

If you take the initiative, pick up the phone and call, will it be successful all the time? Not necessarily. Sometimes, the relationship might still be strained. In fact, sometimes, the other party might still just “pretend” to be nice, but continuing to harbor ill-feelings against you. Sometimes they might ignore you and continue the hostility altogether. 

But at least you’ve taken the high road and done your part; it isn’t your responsibility to judge what is in their hearts. And practically speaking, even if the hostility continues, you understand the minefield a little bit more: you can be just that little bit wiser to navigate the problem better in the future. Which is still a win! As they say, “there is no failure. Only feedback”. 

Have a difficult situation in your personal or professional life? 

Pick up the phone and personally call them. Better yet, video call them. I dare you.

📢 Pesanan kepada Bakal “in-house” Imam: Ulangkaji Hafalan Al-Qur’an 📖

Kepada para bapa, suami-suami, abang-abang yang tinggal di Selangor, Kuala Lumpur, Sabah serta tempat-tempat lain yang dikenakan arahan PKPB.. Tahniah: anda bakal melanjutkan semula tugasan anda lagi sekali sebagai imam di rumah, walhamdulillah! 🎖️

Ambiklah peluang keemasan ni untuk ulangkaji, mantapkan dan menambahkan hafalan Al-Qur'an.. bagi semangat nak perdengarkan Kalam Allah kat rumah.
Kasi la variety sket kat orang rumah dan anak-anak daripada asyik-asyik “قُلْ هُوَ اللَّـهُ أَحَدٌ” dgn “إِنَّا أَعْطَيْنَاكَ الْكَوْثَرَ” je.

Kalau ada ramai lelaki kat rumah, boleh delegate.. maghrib awak baca surah ni, isyak saya baca surah tu. Nice. Mak-mak, kakak-kakak, boleh tolong ulangkaji skali. Masha Allah.. kan cantik tu famili kerjasama.. "وَتَعَاوَنُوا عَلَى الْبِرِّ وَالتَّقْوَىٰ" - Dan tolong-menolonglah kalian ke arah kebaikan dan taqwa (Al-Maidah, 5:2)

Kalau silap baca, kantoi2 sikit, alah biasa lah… betulkan je lah. Mantapkan lagi. ni lah time nak improve, bang.
Bila lagi ada chance nak tegur abah. Hihi.
Abah pulak, bila lagi ada chance nak tabahkan diri dan beranikan diri untuk ditegur.

Jangan pulak sengaja dok bilik solat sorang2 senyap2 sebab takut. Kononnya sebab “nak solat awal”.. hek eleh… Sudah laa, kawan dah tau dah taktik mengelat.
(It takes a thief to catch a thief 😅).

Solat jemaah tu lumayan, bang. Kalau boss janji bagi gaji double, semua confirm nak. Tapi solat jemaah, Allah bukan setakat bagi double. Ish... Sikit sangat tu. Allah bagi 27 kali ganda, bang!

Ok gentlemen.. start your engines, #NoExcuses

Rasulullah ﷺ bersabda:
تَعَاهَدُوا الْقُرْآنَ فَوَالَّذِي نَفْسِي بِيَدِهِ لَهُوَ أَشَدُّ تَفَصِّيًا مِنَ الإِبِلِ فِي عُقُلِهَا ‏
“Peliharalah Al-Qur’an! Kerana (aku bersumpah) demi Tuhan yang jiwaku ada di tangan-Nya, sesungguhnya, Al-Qur’an itu lebih laju terlepas (yakni hilang dari ingatan) daripada unta apabila dilepaskan dari ikatannya” (HR Al-Bukhari)

صَلاَةُ الْجَمَاعَةِ تَفْضُلُ صَلاَةَ الْفَذِّ بِسَبْعٍ وَعِشْرِينَ دَرَجَةً
"Solat berjemaah itu lebih afdhal daripada solat bersendirian sebanyak dua puluh tujuh darjat" (HR Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

#theBarakahEffect

Handling our child's tantrums

“Muawiyah, don't cry, ok?” 

“Muawiyah, tak nak cry in the car tau!"

"Big Boys don't cry!"

Ever heard these words being said to kids?

These are words that I often here some of my family members tell my 2-year old son. And I can understand where many of them are coming from: Muawiyah’s tantrums can be quite epic, explosive, and a bit painful to bear at times. 

However, I respectfully disagree with this approach. In fact, as far as I can recall, I have never instructed him to stop crying. 

My approach: I allow him to vent it out until he calms down. But the key is: to remain present with him, keep him safe from harming himself and others, until he calms down. No scolding, no distractions, no bribes, no turning away, no emotional signs of frustration: just being present with the poor little fella, to calm him down. And once he's calm, then the negotiations can start and we can figure out a solution moving forward: teach, educate, advise. 

"Calm" is when the negotiation starts. You can't have a good civilised conversation when people are upset and emotional. BTW yes, this definitely applies for adults too. 

This is a technique I try to adopt from the book “Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids”. 

There is a very conscious, deliberate reason behind this approach: the key here is to change the paradigm, and to think of tantrums as "parental bonding opportunity" instead of "crisis management". 

I want to raise my son with the emotional safety to know that he can express himself, and that his Abah is there for him and willing to love him, even if he gives his Abah a hard time in the most difficult moments. My long-term goal for doing so is to nurture a beautiful father-and-son relationship that Prophet Yusuf had with his father, Prophet Ya’qub (alayhimassalam) as Allah beautifully described in Surah Yusuf, ayah 4: as parents that are his trusted “go-to” channels to share their thoughts, emotions, experiences, and strange encounters. 

This relationship isn’t an overnight transformation. It requires years of deliberate, mindful parenting choices we make in the formative years. Toddlers are biologically immature, by definition: they do not have their prefrontal cortex properly developed towards rational decision making and regulating their emotions. 

With that in mind, behavioral change needs to be modelled by action, not through series of academic lectures and talks (which admittedly, doesn’t even work for us adults sometimes!). If we want them to recognize that we are a safe place to share their emotions and thoughts, then we need to give them the space to do so. If we want to teach them kindness, respect and forbearance in putting up with others, then we have to model it in ourselves.

Shooting their feelings down, telling them not to cry, or to slap labels such as "boys don't cry" is to downplay and suppress their emotions, which can only make things worse in the long run: either those feelings eventually go nuclear, push them into low self-esteem and risk of depression, or at the least, the most common symptom today is that they grow up feeling they have “no one to talk to”. 

(And when they become teenagers? Oh hello Mr. Sensitive. Oh Hello, Mr. “dealer” who “understands me”). 

After all, if we want our children to communicate to us, then we can’t just expect “feel-good” conversations all the time, every day, and then dismiss them when they express their uncomfortable emotions. That’s just selfish.  We need to learn empathetic, non-judgmental listening if we want to open up a two-way path built upon mutual cooperation, love and respect, in hopes they will develop to choose the right decisions: not merely shoved in their throats. 

I do need to say though that this isn’t “easy”: as parents, we need to actively train ourselves to muster the patience of handling the loud screaming, the kicking, the refusal to cooperate, and all that jazz. It’s a learning process and I struggle with it until this day and I’ve made my share of mistakes that I wish I handled differently. But Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal, that’s all behind us, and those serve as lessons and wisdoms that can make us better parents. 

The way I see it, this skill is like working out, akin to progressive overload in the gym: your limits are tested, exceeded, and you have to endure some pain. But if you remain steadfast, don't quit, keep it at it, you get stronger and can take harder beating next time. 

The important thing is we keep trying and improving, in hopes that our child reciprocates and follow in our footsteps.

Love to hear from the rest! 

How do you handle your children's tantrums? Anyone disagree with this approach or have better alternatives? 

😱“You Appointed a former slave to govern the affairs of Makkah?!”

When he was the khalifah, Umar bin Al-Khattab asked the governor of Makkah – when you are out of the city, who do you appoint in your place to handle the affairs?

The governor of Makkah said, “I deputized one man. He is one of our freed slaves.”

Surprised, Umar asked, “you appointed a former slave to govern the affairs of Makkah?”

Now, bear in mind the context: firstly, slaves are the lowest classes of people in the society, and usually do not have privilege of access to knowledge of the wealthy society; how will one expect them to have the basic competencies of leadership to govern a city? Secondly, coming from a heavily tribal society that would glorify their lineage over anything else, back in the days of jahiliyyah before Islam, it was unthinkable to have a non-Quraysh, let alone an outsider and former slave, to govern the affairs of the Holy City of Makkah, that houses the Ka’bah – the direction of prayer of all the Muslims in the world. Leadership of this place isn’t just something you appoint recklessly: it is usually reserved for the elite of the elite. 

Needless to say, to delegate the task of governing Makkah to a former slave, was indeed surprising. 

And so to Umar’s question, the governor replied, “O Amirul Mu’mineen – he is a learned man. He memorized the Qur’an, he learned the fara’id, and he is knowledgeable in the shari’ah.”

Umar replied,“SubhanAllah (Glory be to Allah)! Allah uplifts people with the Qur’an, and He humiliates people with the Qur’an.”

Amazing! Consider the following:

1. The month of Ramadhan was the best of the 12 months because it was the month in which it was revealed. Allah says شَهْرُ رَمَضَانَ الَّذِي أُنْزِلَ فِيهِ الْقُرْآنُ "The month of Ramadhan, in which the Qur'an was revealed" (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:185)

2. Specifically in the month of Ramadhan, one particular night stands out - Laylatul Qadar, its virtuous of which is a better than a thousand months. Why? Because it was the night in which the Qur'an was first revealed to Prophet Muhammad. إِنَّا أَنْزَلْنَاهُ فِي لَيْلَةٍ مُبَارَكَةٍ ۚ  “Verily we have revealed (the Qur’an) in a blessed night” (Surah Ad-Dukhkhan, 44:3)

3. Allah granted the honour of the rights to be imam to those most knowledgeable in Qur'an, regardless of their age or race. The Prophet ﷺ said, "وَلْيَؤُمَّكُمْ أَكْثَرُكُمْ قُرْآنًا" – “let the one amongst you who knows the most Qur'an lead the prayer.” So much so that Amr bin Salama led his entire tribe in prayer as the imam, even though he was only six years old (Al-Bukhari)

4. The best of mankind. Last but not least - and the most important message to us here - is this. The Prophet ﷺ said, 

خَيْرُكُمْ مَنْ تَعَلَّمَ الْقُرْآنَ وَعَلَّمَهُ

"The best of you are those who learn the Qur'an and teach it (to others)" (Al-Bukhari, Muslim)

Raw honesty 🍯

"Yeah, we decided NOT to engage them because they are too slow”

In a recent meeting, this was the feedback given by a colleague regarding another department. 

Oh, wait a minute. He was referring to my department. 

It was a brutally honest slap in the face, one that is typically responded to with defensiveness, excuses and justifications. I simply said, “I know right. We’re working on it!” Give me another chance! 

We had a good laugh 😂..  Then moved on towards a solution. 

I appreciated the raw honesty that was voiced out here. At the end of the day, perception plays such an important role, and this is what “Nurture Trust” is about: to behave professionally in a way that instils confidence to others who work with us. If we don’t take an active effort to create positive experiences for managing the expectations of our customers – even if they are within the same organization – then all of that hard work might have been meaningless, no matter how intelligent, analytical, or grandiose your work deliverables are. 

This also reminds me that we should toughen ourselves up to be receptive of honest feedback. There is no need to get defensive, shift blame or return the insults like a bunch of kindergarten boys. We need more well-intentioned feedback if we want our organizations to improve and thrive – and we can play our part by welcoming them with open arms, not shooting them down for preserving our ego. 

Raw honesty is awesome. By the way, did you notice that, if you were to remove the letters “s” and “t”, “Raw Honesty” becomes “Raw honey” 🍯, which is also pretty awesome? 😎 (Sorry, I just had to 🤭)

May Allah always grant us with friends, families, colleagues, subordinates and bosses who are always willing to hold us accountable, and give us honest direct advice to keep us in check out of their care and sincere well wishes for us. 

Ever heard people complain that “I’ve told them, but they refuse to listen!” I only invite them to ask themselves this: When you are on the receiving end, are YOU listening with an open heart? 

We can’t change the world, but we can change ourselves

إِنَّ اللَّـهَ لَا يُغَيِّرُ مَا بِقَوْمٍ حَتَّىٰ يُغَيِّرُوا مَا بِأَنْفُسِهِمْ

“Verily, Allah will not change the state of a people until they (first) change what is within themselves” (Ar-Ra’d 13:11)

But yeah, you got me partner. We’ll try to speed up. #BroCuba

 

Received any brutal feedback lately? How did you respond? Love to hear it!

#TheBarakahEffect

🤔 Why Do We Give Excuses?

Excusitis: Derived from the word "Excuse". It is tendency/Disease/Regular behavior of making excuse for every poor performance. In simpler words, giving excuses for everything and trying to back their faults. (Urban Dictionary)

Ever wondered why do we habitually feel the need to give excuses when it comes to executing our tasks, or facing challenges and setbacks in life? 

It comes down to two reasons: Defence and Deflection.

1. DEFENCE. We give excuses as psychological defence in order to protect ourselves from discomfort of negative emotions (such as fear, low confidence, hatred, getting rebuked, looking weak or even boredom). When we have external factors to blame, it grants us a scapegoat: therefore, it gives us a false sense of comfort to pat ourselves on the back, for attributing other factors masking your own weaknesses and shortcomings. The danger of this is that it can easily lead to arrogance; by constant blaming the faults of others as excuses behind the lack of one’s success, it gives them a feeling of self-superiority. 

Interestingly, emotional protection it is also the same reason why we procrastinate (not necessarily because of laziness!). When we have to do something difficult outside of our comfort zone, if we hate our task/our job or we don’t know how to do it, we have to confront feelings of emotional discomfort: of feeling helpless, incompetence and face the possibility of failure. Hence we delay them in order to avoid these iffy feelings. But when the deadlines are near, the discomfort of failing the deadline becomes more severe: hence we rush to complete it under pressure!

2. DEFLECTION: Another big reason for giving excuses is so we can remove the accountability of taking action or getting started. When we blame the environment, the leaders, lack of support, lacking in knowledge, or that we have “poor memory/metabolism/willpower”, we surrender, succumb to defeat and we convince ourselves: What to do? 

As they say in Hokkien: “Bopien worrr” (No choice lah!). Another New Year’s resolution bites the dust. 

In tafsir ibn kathir, of surah at-taubah #94 regarding the verses of the hypocrites that attempted to give  excuses for not participating in war, ibn kathir said: “The hypocrites will swear to the believers to apologize, so that the believers turn away from them without admonishing them” 

When our excuses are accepted (e.g. by our leader, our parents, the other party, or even ourselves who set those goals or resolutions), we think that "okay I'm off the hook" and therefore are no longer responsible or accountable. 

The danger of this is that once we have arrived at that point, since we feel that we have a “justifiable excuse”, we no longer feel guilt: sometimes necessary motivational components to drive us to act. In fact, guilt is a necessary component of taubah (repentance) to rectify ourselves. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, “النَّدَمُ تَوْبَةٌ”: The feeling of Guilt is repentance (narrated by ibnu Majah, graded hasan).

A further underlying cause refusal to change: a stubborn insistence to remain in one’s comfort zone. In her book “Mindset”, this is what author Carol Dweck defines as “the fixed mindset”. When a person is now convinced of his powerlessness to rectify the situation, he therefore uses the excuse to resist change, in order to protect himself from the feelings of 

• Vulnerability

• Weakness & shortcomings 

• Fear of the unknown – not knowing what to do next

• Inferiority from asking help from other people

The solution?

Discipline. We need to inculcate the willpower to take responsibility, own up to the situation and do the right thing confront the brutal facts, resist the temptations to give excuses, embrace our own flaws and fight through the discomfort, and move forward towards improvement. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said,

الْمُؤْمِنُ الْقَوِيُّ خَيْرٌ وَأَحَبُّ إِلَى اللَّهِ مِنَ الْمُؤْمِنِ الضَّعِيفِ وَفِي كُلٍّ خَيْرٌ احْرِصْ عَلَى مَا يَنْفَعُكَ وَاسْتَعِنْ بِاللَّهِ وَلاَ تَعْجِزْ 

“A strong believer is better and is more lovable to Allah than a weak believer, and there is good in every believer. Strive for that which benefits you, and seek help from Allah and do not give up or lose heart” (Muslim)

“If it’s important to you, you’ll find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse.”

#TheBarakahEffect

Reaching Out to Those in Difficulty

In these brutal days of the pandemic, many people are going through immense challenges in their lives. Many people I personally know of have lost their jobs and are struggling to make ends meet.

What I suggest we should be doing right now is to reach out to them and check in on them.

I mean, how do often to we call people just to have a chat and catch up with them? It’s so sad that these days, despite massive friends on virtual circles and social media platforms, our relationships have been so superficial and utilitarian in nature, that whenever I proactively greet someone and ask them how they are, they will instinctively ask, “how can I help you?” Almost as if they are implying that, the only reason they are contacted is because someone wants something from them!

When I invite them for lunch, they get suspicious. If I invite them out to coffee, even worse. “Okay, so did this guy get into some sales or MLM thingy?”

But here’s the thing: when I say I just want to check in and just have a conversation on how they are, they are almost always pleasantly surprised.

When I know a colleague is about to lose their job / leave the organization, I will proactively reach out to them and have a conversation with them. It can make a whole world of difference and elevate their mood.

But here’s the thing I learnt: we need to set the tone of the discussion to be that one of optimism, not false hope.
Don’t say things such as, “don’t worry, you will find a better job after this insha Allah”. False hope or expectations can lead to disappointment, which can eventually spiral into depression, if not put into check. Sure, we might make them feel good in the moment, we might even feel like hero of the day. But in the long run it could cause more harm than good.

As counter-intuitive as it sounds, we can acknowledge how difficult the situation is. “Yeah.. life is tough. This is the reality – none of us are indispensable. Even I don’t have job security!”

What this enables us to do is accept the reality and move forward from there. Let’s work for a solution. Now we can steer the conversation to an exciting world of opportunity and possibility.

What I try to do, I will give some advice and suggestions on the practical options that I know of – online courses to learn new skills or diversify our income sources, additional certifications we can obtain to “boost” our marketability, communities that can aid them, or awesome religious classes they can attend and elevate their lives, now that they have more free time.

If you do this well enough, it can be a powerful self-empowering method for the person to have the courage and motivation to take one step forward. And sometimes that step can change their lives!

What if you yourself are suffering? Sure, why not! Take the high road to initiate and practice generosity. Use this desperate situation to connect with them at an even deeper level, and work together as a team towards a common cause. Pain shared is pain halved, not doubled! And when you reach out, it's almost guaranteed that the kindness will be reciprocated and have a positive snowball effect.

So my friends, if you know of those who are struggling, have lost (or about to lose) their job, pick up the phone and call. Sometimes that alone – even without any offer of help – it can make a whole world of a difference.
Let’s take this opportunity to be people of compassion and naseehah, who care of the welfare of others. The Prophet ﷺ said:
الرَّاحِمُونَ يَرْحَمُهُمُ الرَّحْمَنُ ارْحَمُوا أَهْلَ الأَرْضِ يَرْحَمْكُمْ مَنْ فِي السَّمَاءِ
"Those who are Merciful and Compassionate: Ar-Rahman (The Most Compassionate One) will have mercy on them.
Show compassion to the inhabitants of the earth, He Who is in the heaven will show compassion to you." (Abu Daud)

#TheBarakahEffect