“Muawiyah, don't cry, ok?”
“Muawiyah, tak nak cry in the car tau!"
"Big Boys don't cry!"
Ever heard these words being said to kids?
These are words that I often here some of my family members tell my 2-year old son. And I can understand where many of them are coming from: Muawiyah’s tantrums can be quite epic, explosive, and a bit painful to bear at times.
However, I respectfully disagree with this approach. In fact, as far as I can recall, I have never instructed him to stop crying.
My approach: I allow him to vent it out until he calms down. But the key is: to remain present with him, keep him safe from harming himself and others, until he calms down. No scolding, no distractions, no bribes, no turning away, no emotional signs of frustration: just being present with the poor little fella, to calm him down. And once he's calm, then the negotiations can start and we can figure out a solution moving forward: teach, educate, advise.
"Calm" is when the negotiation starts. You can't have a good civilised conversation when people are upset and emotional. BTW yes, this definitely applies for adults too.
This is a technique I try to adopt from the book “Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids”.
There is a very conscious, deliberate reason behind this approach: the key here is to change the paradigm, and to think of tantrums as "parental bonding opportunity" instead of "crisis management".
I want to raise my son with the emotional safety to know that he can express himself, and that his Abah is there for him and willing to love him, even if he gives his Abah a hard time in the most difficult moments. My long-term goal for doing so is to nurture a beautiful father-and-son relationship that Prophet Yusuf had with his father, Prophet Ya’qub (alayhimassalam) as Allah beautifully described in Surah Yusuf, ayah 4: as parents that are his trusted “go-to” channels to share their thoughts, emotions, experiences, and strange encounters.
This relationship isn’t an overnight transformation. It requires years of deliberate, mindful parenting choices we make in the formative years. Toddlers are biologically immature, by definition: they do not have their prefrontal cortex properly developed towards rational decision making and regulating their emotions.
With that in mind, behavioral change needs to be modelled by action, not through series of academic lectures and talks (which admittedly, doesn’t even work for us adults sometimes!). If we want them to recognize that we are a safe place to share their emotions and thoughts, then we need to give them the space to do so. If we want to teach them kindness, respect and forbearance in putting up with others, then we have to model it in ourselves.
Shooting their feelings down, telling them not to cry, or to slap labels such as "boys don't cry" is to downplay and suppress their emotions, which can only make things worse in the long run: either those feelings eventually go nuclear, push them into low self-esteem and risk of depression, or at the least, the most common symptom today is that they grow up feeling they have “no one to talk to”.
(And when they become teenagers? Oh hello Mr. Sensitive. Oh Hello, Mr. “dealer” who “understands me”).
After all, if we want our children to communicate to us, then we can’t just expect “feel-good” conversations all the time, every day, and then dismiss them when they express their uncomfortable emotions. That’s just selfish. We need to learn empathetic, non-judgmental listening if we want to open up a two-way path built upon mutual cooperation, love and respect, in hopes they will develop to choose the right decisions: not merely shoved in their throats.
I do need to say though that this isn’t “easy”: as parents, we need to actively train ourselves to muster the patience of handling the loud screaming, the kicking, the refusal to cooperate, and all that jazz. It’s a learning process and I struggle with it until this day and I’ve made my share of mistakes that I wish I handled differently. But Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal, that’s all behind us, and those serve as lessons and wisdoms that can make us better parents.
The way I see it, this skill is like working out, akin to progressive overload in the gym: your limits are tested, exceeded, and you have to endure some pain. But if you remain steadfast, don't quit, keep it at it, you get stronger and can take harder beating next time.
The important thing is we keep trying and improving, in hopes that our child reciprocates and follow in our footsteps.
Love to hear from the rest!
How do you handle your children's tantrums? Anyone disagree with this approach or have better alternatives?
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